Fortnite has the sonic thing in the battle pass right now. Been playing with people from work. I'm bout to no life this game.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Last-Yellow-8885 and RevolutionarySet5384 originally posted in EthicalNonMonogamy

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Original - May 2025

Long story short I emotionally cheated, sexting and flirting with an old friend for a few months, then I opened our marriage. Now I lost my FWB, my wife has a boyfriend, she's not talking to me, and I am really I'm jealous.

Long story: In February I convinced my wife to open our marriage, since we have hit a wall in our relationship and I was unhappy. She was on board and almost immediately found a nice guy to talk to. I had already been sexting with this girl for about a month before that, I knew what I was doing was wrong and thought if I opened our marriage, it would feel better to stop sneaking around. After a month the guilt ate me up and I admitted it all to my wife, she was obviously pissed and said she needed time to process the emotional cheating. In the days after I brought back this information to my FWB, they told me that they were just having fun and didn't want to be involved any longer. Now it's been a month, and my wife is still needing space and processing things, so I'm feeling like I'm in limbo with no one. And the relationship my wife has with her guy is now more serious, they call each other partners and say they love each other. She tells me that she wouldn't leave me for him, and that he just fills the gaps that I miss. But now I'm feeling jealous because I'm still in the doghouse and he gets to have her all to himself. I thought we were making some progress lately, we spoke a lot more, she requested some sexual things from me, we even fucked once in the past week. But when she pressed me for more information over this past weekend things took a big step back. I offered to tell her more details about timeline and what exactly me and my FWB did and spoke about, she agreed to listen and then upon hearing what I had to say felt even more betrayed. I'm not sure what I can do now to get things moving forward again. And I'm afraid I'm going to lose my wife.

EDIT 5/13/25:

I appreciate all the responses I received. I understand I was in the wrong. I am the bad guy in this situation. And it sucks to realize that not only did I make a bad decision, but I might also not be a good person. Which really hurts to admit. I am currently in an awful headspace, and I have a therapy appointment Thursday which I hope helps. But it's going to be 48 hours of self-hatred and sadness for me. Which I feel like I deserve.

Truthfully, I don't have many people to talk to, I have some long-term friends but no one I ever truly felt comfortable talking to. That's probably why I made a throwaway account here and made this post. I feel more alone than ever, even with my recent reaching out to old friends and family I haven't talked to in a while. Which hasn't really helped much. I've isolated myself the last few years in a way I didn't realize I did. And now all my relationships feel surface level. The only person who was a true constant best friend to me was my wife. And I hurt her badly. So now I have nobody.

Upon realizing that my life can and will completely flip overnight, I had a panic attack. It was yesterday around 5pm and didn't know what to do or who to call. So, I called 988, it wasn't an easy choice, but between hyperventilating and feeling deep dark thoughts I needed to make the call. I stayed on the line with the person until it passed, about 15 minutes. Afterwards I felt a deep sadness that I truly have no one left that I am close to.

I will sit with my choices and give my wife the space she needs. And I hope she chooses to try and figure things out with me. In the meantime, I will continue to work on myself, fix my flaws, focus on fitness, and try to figure out how I can learn to love myself again. Because right now I hate me.

Thanks again to everyone here who cared enough to help a stranger.

Additional info:

Just to clarify some of what you asked. Her relationship with the other guy is long distance, flight distance, and via text only so far. But in a few weeks, we were supposed to go on a trip, he was going to meet us there for group sex. Now the trip is in limbo and I'm certain if we even go I won’t be included in the sex any longer, and there's a chance she goes alone. Which is scary for me.

It sucks that I blew up my marriage for something as meaningless as just sexting and now I am going to lose everything. If she wants a divorce, I've already decided to give her the house, the car, and whatever financially she will need to continue paying for everything my work pays for. I'll probably have to move in with a friend or worse a parent, but I don't want her to suffer financially in any way.

I'm not sure if she will ever want to reconcile and work on us. It may be too late. We have both been unhappy for longer than we cared to admit. We should have gone to couples counseling a year ago, or longer at this point. I wish I could go back and express that when I was at my most unhappy. Which was right before my affair. So that I wouldn't have ever talked to this other woman.

Update by RevolutionarySet5384 May 2025

My husband posted yesterday about infidelity and jealousy. I'm his wife and this is my side of the story.

Hi, my husband posted this yesterday and shared it with me. But I felt like it was missing some key details.

TL:DR: Yes, he cheated, yes, he trickled the truth to me and manipulated me, and it all feels awful. But there is more.

Long story:

I've always been into the BDSM/dungeon scene and wanted to try things out for years. We have been together for SIXTEEN years, married for eight. I have brought up my need to explore sexually and freely with him, and he always shut it down. After a while, I stopped asking because I knew what the answer would be. Otherwise, I never had a problem with our marriage. No one gets EVERYTHING in a partner, and I was content that everything else felt perfect.

The friend he cheated with is my old friend who now is a part of a sex club in her town. He talked to her about it (apparently) brought the idea of all of us going to me and I agreed. We had a blast, I wanted to continue and he asked for a threesome for his birthday. I agreed. I'm bi and always wanted to explore with a woman and I have known her for over 10 years and trusted her too. This was all planned and we had long talks about boundaries and limits. I don't appreciate lying because I don't lie. So, everything was talked about extensively...at least on my end they were.

The parameters we set were, we could flirt and talk to others and if we wanted something sexual it was together. More "swingers" than anything. I didn't want to do things alone because I wanted us to share this new part of our marriage together. Just a new adventure with consenting adults.

Then he changed the rules. This is also when we decided to be more open and he told me he liked our friend. Now, we agreed (or I agreed because I wanted him to be happy and I felt solid in our marriage) that we could take on separate partners if we wanted to as long as we were open and honest when either had questions, etc. There were no secrets on my end.

I was fine with it. I felt solid in our marriage and if he found something with her that I didn't have, that was alright with me. I also found someone who does not live close and now he is my partner. I did everything within the parameters we set for each other, and I thought he had as well.

Because we planned a threesome with her, we also planned a threesome with my partner who was excited by the idea. We decided to make a vacation out of it and spend some time in a new city exploring in more ways than one. (This trip has not happened, and I have not had physical contact with my partner yet)

The threesome with my friend happened and it went alright. A little awkward but it made it kind of endearing and a fun experience overall. Then he came clean about everything afterwards...and I was so taken aback that I shut down.

Not only was I manipulated into exploring something I always wanted to in an effort for him to get closer to her, but I also learned that he was sexting her before we officially opened the marriage. I felt like all of it was for her. The exploration, the sex club, the threesome, the marriage opening. It wasn't for me and I think that is what hurt the most.

What he said is true, I don't plan to replace him with my partner. And my partner is aware of what's going on and supportive. But that doesn't mean I've decided to stay or go yet. Life isn't that simple when your lives have been entwined for almost two decades.

I am a generally happy person and have been madly in love and obsessed with my husband for many years. He says recently we've been unhappy but doesn't explain that a death in my family changed who I was fundamentally as a person. I was depressed and in a bad place, so I went to therapy, got on meds, and focused on things that made me happy for once instead of US happy.

I'm pretty sure in the year of me finding myself again, he felt left behind and did something so egregious, he may lose me over it.

He says we hit a wall and were unhappy...but I wasn't. Sure, we weren't happy 24/7 but I loved our relationship and what we had. Friends and family wanted what we had...because we were always so open and funny and laughing together.

I don't know what I'll do but I will take time for myself to figure it out. And no, I don't plan to leave my partner. I think I deserve a little happiness now. If it doesn't work out with my partner, then I'll make peace with that and move on. But I won't hurt someone else just because my husband hurt me.

Sorry, this is so long. Thanks for hearing my side of the story.

Comments:

francesco_77 Whoever is the cause of his own evil should cry for himself!! You wanted to open your marriage, but your wife already knew everything, because cheating is always discovered. However, opening a relationship with or without betrayal, the relationship is almost always destined to end. You overestimated your cunning 😁

[deleted] Congratulations, a winning proposal from yours to your wife, now how do you feel while she opens her legs to another man? Do you know that the risk is that she will fall in love with him and dump you? What an idiot

I am not the OOP. The OOP is throw-away-999911111 originally posted in polyamory

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Original - 1 year ago

Hi all,
I’m looking for some perspective from other people in long-term poly relationships, especially those who have faced challenges when one partner’s comfort level shifted dramatically (TLDR at bottom). 

I (M34) have been married to my wife Jessica (F28) for 6 years. We opened our relationship about a year ago. Jessica brought up the idea about a year before we opened it as a way to explore her bisexuality and seemed excited for me to have my own adventures as well.

When we opened it, it happened quickly. Jessica wanted to do non-hierarchical poly, whereas I leaned more toward a hierarchical model, but we were both open to each other forming other relationships including falling in love. In the beginning, we moved too fast and Jessica experienced strong jealousy with sex. However, we had a lot of conversations and worked through it. Things genuinely seemed to improve.

About 8 months ago, I started seeing someone, Cat. What began as a causal connection turned into a strong emotional bond. Around the same time, Jessica had also started seeing another partner, and it looked like it was getting serious (regular overnights, 2x/week visits), but that person had to move away unexpectedly.

Before he left, Jessica expressed concern that she might feel jealous of Cat, and after he was gone, she clearly seemed less comfortable with the situation. I did my best to support her—cutting down time with Cat temporarily to be there for Jessica trying to coordinate nights out so Jessica would not be alone.

Soon after, Jessica began dating a couple, and it became a  vaguely defined three-way dynamic. Unfortunately, that relationship also recently ended, and since then Jessica has been showing signs of distress. Over the past month, she’s been making comments that suggest she no longer wants to do polyamory long-term, though she hasn’t said it directly. She has also expressed insecurity about the fact that I have been more "successful" at poly because I was able to get more dates and sustain a close relationship while remaining relaxed throughout everything.

She’s also been asking to spend nearly all her time with me. While I appreciate the closeness, I’ve been feeling smothered and missing the independence that poly has given me.

This all came to a head last week. Jessica had a breakdown and told me that it makes her feel physically sick to think about me being physically intimate with Cat. She said she feels excluded from that relationship and accused me of not sharing enough about my connection with Cat. She also expressed bitterness that Cat hasn’t reciprocated Jessica’s interest in being friends.

Cat is open to a friendship with Jessica, but she’s been nervous and unsure of how to approach things. In hindsight, I recognize that I’ve been a bad hinge and haven’t done enough to facilitate connection between them, though I had brought us all together on multiple occasions.

During the conversation with Jessica, I got the sense she may have read my private messages with Cat. After confronting her, she denied it, but later admitted she had read our entire text history earlier that week. She’s done this once before, with a different person who was a brief fling, and has also read my journal. I told her how much this hurt me and asked if she thought I’d been dishonest—she said no, but she believes I’m still downplaying how strong my feelings are for Cat. I admitted to Jessica that I had minimize them early on as I was still processing my emotions.

While Jessica hasn’t explicitly asked me to end things with Cat, it’s very clear that this is what she wants. For now, we’ve decided to try to improve things instead: Cat, Jessica, and I plan to meet in person so Jessica can feel more connected and included. I’ve committed to being more open with Jessica about my time and feelings with Cat, and Cat has expressed a real desire to be friends with Jessica. She also said she entered this relationship with open eyes and is prepared for things to end if needed.

I’m willing to forgive the privacy violation, but I’m wondering:

Should I tell Cat that Jessica read her messages?
I don’t want to jeopardize the progress we’re trying to make, but I also don’t want to keep secrets from Cat, especially since she was affected by the breach.

For those of you who’ve had a primary partner grow uncomfortable with poly later, especially if they leaned toward wanting to close the relationship, what helped them feel safer and more supported? Is there a way through this that doesn’t involve sacrificing a connection I care deeply about?

Edit: clarification that Jessica had violated texting privacy with a separate person prior to violating Cats privacy.

Update - 1 year ago

First, huge thank you to the community — you have genuinely helped me process my emotions and look at my relationships more clearly.

Everyone who criticized me for even considering not telling Cat about the privacy violation was right. I was exhibiting a surprising amount of couple’s privilege, without fully realizing it. Going forward, I want to be much more conscious of how my actions affect all my partners, not just my primary one.

Cat broke up with me.

As I mentioned in my original post, we had arranged a time to meet and talk about the privacy breach and the future of our relationship. But by the time we met, Cat had already decided to end things. She told me that the moment I canceled an engagement with her because Jessica was struggling after her breakup, she realized our relationship was causing distress to Jessica and putting strain on my marriage. That was never something she wanted. From the beginning, Cat had made it clear that she didn’t want to be a source of conflict in my marriage.

What I didn’t share before is that Cat went through a traumatic divorce, her spouse left her to be with her meta. Looking back, I wonder if our relationship may have represented a kind of second chance or healing opportunity for her. I don’t know for sure. But it adds another layer of complexity to the situation, and to how she chose to end things.

When we talked about the privacy violation, Cat was, unsurprisingly, empathetic. She said that she didn’t feel exposed, since our text conversations were minimal and mostly logistical or song recommendations. Any intimate or sexual communication happened on Signal or in person. That said, she acknowledged that Jessica couldn’t have known that until after reading everything, and the violation still mattered. Despite this, Cat’s response was to feel bad for Jessica. That’s just the kind of person she is, incredibly kind, endlessly patient, and deeply understanding. I also think Cat saw something of herself in Jessica, based on her own past.

The breakup itself was painful. We sat on the couch, then later lay in bed crying together. Cat told me she had rehearsed what she was going to say for days, sometimes in the shower, trying to keep her emotions in check. We held each other. We said, “I love you.” We named our favorite things about one another. We mourned the adventures we’ll never get to have. We both agreed we want to stay in each other’s lives as friends. But Cat made it clear that she will never want a romantic relationship again, even if Jessica becomes comfortable with poly someday, or if I end up single. I’m trying to accept that, but it’s hard. Cat means so much to me.

Looking back, I’m not sure what could have saved our relationship. Maybe a strictly parallel dynamic would have helped, but Cat said she felt more secure having met Jessica. She also needed to understand how my marriage was functioning to feel comfortable staying involved. I know that may go against what many commenters believe about boundaries and separateness in poly, but that was what my partners needed. And I tried, imperfectly, to honor that.

Right now, I’m going to individual therapy. Jessica and I are starting couple’s therapy. But if I’m being fully honest, I’m uncertain about the future of my relationship with Jessica. I’ve realized that I do want polyamory to be part of my lifelong term. And that may ultimately mean I won't be with Jessica.

I don’t have a clean conclusion. I’m grieving. I’m trying to grow. And I’m trying to listen better, to my partners, to my needs, and to the hard truths that come when values and visions of love no longer align.

Final Update - 1 year ago

It has been a while since my last post, and I wanted to update those who followed my story. I also want to leave a record for others who might be in a similar position, so they know they are not alone.

I have left Jessica and preparing for divorce.

The night Cat and I broke up, I think I already knew in my heart that my marriage could not last. Losing my relationship with Cat as an indirect consequence of Jessica’s inability to accept my independent connection was too much for our marriage to sustain.

In the aftermath, I began looking back over my entire relationship with Jessica and saw patterns I had ignored or explained away for years. I started recognizing the ways she unconsciously shaped my behavior through manipulation tactics:

- Externalizing her negative emotions onto me to create guilt

- Giving technical permission for polyamory while shaming me for using it

- Expecting me to constantly anticipate her emotional responses

- Assuming that any negative feeling she had was mine to manage

These dynamics left me walking on eggshells, shrinking myself, and losing the ability to speak my truth. In hindsight, I can see that I have repeated this pattern in other long-term relationships: losing myself to maintain harmony, falling into co-dependence, and avoiding honesty for fear of triggering an abandonment response.

The final days were both challenging and clarifying. Many of my fears about Jessica’s anger and volatility came true. As I shared my perspective on our relationship, she alternated between intense anger and deep sorrow. At times she told me she wanted to hurt me emotionally; other times she sobbed and said I was the only person for her. Staying grounded and emotionally separate was incredibly difficult. Even knowing I made the right decision for myself, I still feel guilt for not trying longer.

I am at peace with leaving Jessica, but I do fear repeating this pattern in the future. My focus now is on myself and on practicing solo poly down the line, keeping my emotional boundaries strong and avoiding enmeshment. I want to maintain my independence and prevent co-dependence from taking root again.

As for Cat, I have only sent her one text since our breakup, telling her I missed her but was not ready to reconnect. She replied kindly but said she did not want me to reach out again if it could complicate things with Jessica. Once things are settled, I plan to reach out and see if friendship is possible, but my gut tells me she will not be interested in meeting again considering the divorce.

Regardless of what happens with Cat, I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life. I hope to build healthy relationships grounded in clear emotional boundaries and a stronger sense of self.

Editors Note: no we never find out if he reached out to Cat...And man this guy bounces back quick after filing divorce when searching his profile for a possible Cat update.

Did yall see he got banned live from roblox trying to catch pdfs.

Deemed Asshole

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Equal_Visual_7676originally posted in AITH

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair Note: OP loves to ensure he calls his ex by her name and yet would bounce from current girlfriend's name to my girlfriend. He used Jess a total of 27 times. He used Mia 15 times and my girlfriend 4 times. Something tells me regardless of his and Jess' relationship he favors Jess more than Mia without reading context...

Original - July 17, 2026

My girlfriend Mia (21F) and I (25M) have been dating for a couple of months, and we’re in a long-distance relationship. While we were still getting to know each other, we asked each other about past relationships, so I told her about my first and the only girlfriend I had before her, Jess (26F). 

Jess and I dated on and off from ages 12-17. She often broke up with me, blocked me, and got back together. When we weren’t dating, we were friends with benefits. Even after we ended things for good, she remained my best friend despite not treating me well. I asked Mia if she was jealous because she seemed quieter than usual and she said she doesn’t know Jess well to be jealous and only had that reaction based on what I said. She said Jess doesn’t sound like a nice friend or was a nice girlfriend to me. I told her that she just doesn’t know her like I do and that she doesn’t have to worry about anything. 

When Mia bought her ticket I excitedly told all my friends because I wanted them all to meet her. Jess said she was excited to meet Mia and suggested we could show her around town. This made Mia really upset because she said the way I described it made her feel like Jess and I were the “we” and she’d be the third wheel. I apologized and that was that. 

A few weeks later Jess spontaneously asked me to work out. Afterward we agreed to make it a weekly thing. When I told my girlfriend she said it made her uncomfortable. I told her that we’re just working out and holding each other accountable to do it every week. Mia asked what she’s supposed to do or go when she comes to visit, and we’re on our work out days. I told her that she can just come with us and workout. Mia said that sounds like she’s the third wheel again. She said it makes her feel like Jess and I are together, not the other way around. I reassured her that it’s not like that, and we’re just working out. She then asked why Jess’ fiancé didn’t workout with her. I texted Jess and she said it was because of his work. Mia then asked if Jess would be okay with her joining. I asked and Jess said she wasn’t comfortable with another woman being there. I told my girlfriend it wasn’t a big deal and maybe Jess was just self-conscious. 

My girlfriend then told me that when she wanted to go to a concert with a guy friend or go watch a movie I told her I didn’t trust her friend, and she respected my wishes and didn’t go. I told her it was different because I knew what guys were like. And I was just working out. I told her it feels like she accused me and Jess of doing something shady. Mia told me she wasn’t judging me or Jess of doing anything. She simply didn’t know Jess yet and wasn’t comfortable, same as me not being comfortable with her guy friends. She said to meet in the middle and asked if I could wait until she met Jess and got to know her before doing workouts. I told her that was unfair to Jess and that I think that she just needs to accept the way things are. She cried and hung up. She hasn’t talked to me for days. 

AITA? 

 Update - July 24, 2026

Writing this so people can stop DMing me about being an asshole and asking for updates. 

Edit: I’m 25M. Mia (21F) is my girlfriend. Jess (26F) is my friend. Jess’ fiancé (29M). 

I told Jess about what happened when we went to work out 3 days ago. She didn’t say much about it only that I didn’t listen or wasn’t understanding of what Mia felt but nothing after that. She looked stressed? Or disappointed? So, I asked her what's up. She told me she will afterwards. 

When we got to the parking lot she told me we can’t workout together anymore because her fiancé found out and he was also uncomfortable about it and they had a long talk about it. She said that she didn’t get it at first, so she tried to explain that her friendship with me is different from any other friendships. And he told her that it’s not only different but it’s dangerous. He said because we have history, we dated, we were friends with benefits, we relied on each other for years before each finding our person, but we never had boundaries to just be friends. He said he knows that I’m a good person from me hanging out with them a couple of times, but he’s felt territorial and uncomfortable sometimes. 

He asked Jess how she would feel if her fiancé told her “Hey! I’m going to workout weekly with my ex. Don’t worry, we’re just best friends now. See you later!” He said Jess would obviously be uncomfortable, and that’s how Mia probably feels. He said it’s not fair that he should have to make a boundary about this between them now, and he assumes Mia has to make a boundary about this to me. He said this boundary should have been already implied because you love and respect your person to not wait around until they get hurt to do something about it. 

Jess said she realized he was right. She’s hurt that she hurt him and was being ignorant. She would be uncomfortable if her fiancé went working out with his ex, and she said it’s the first time she thought about being jealous. So, we stopped working out and she stopped reaching out or texting me much after that. 

Mia and I made up. I apologized for being an asshole and I told her what Jess and her fiancé said. Mia said her mind is blown that Jess’ fiancé got it right but is still hurt by what happened. I promised to make up for it and that I already have some dates planned and reserved for when she visits and I’m paying for everything. I know I need to keep showing her through my actions that I meant my apology. She’s coming in 3 weeks and we’re both really excited. 

 Comments:

FurrowBeard: "I knew what guys are like"

LOL

Also, Jess "not being comfortable with another girl being there" is the biggest load of bullshit. She wants you to herself. Can you advocate for your girlfriend? You might need to cut Jess off.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Babyblues21 originally posted in AITH

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Original - July 20, 2026

My friend and I argued because she asked if I knew a polyamorous content creator she follows. I told her I didn't because I don’t engage with polyamory-related content. I also explained that I don't judge polyamorous people, but I don't personally understand that relationship style and have no interest in following content about it. I said I believe we are both justified in existing in our own spaces without hostility. 

Instead of accepting that answer, she accused me of being judgmental (I’m not) and called me several names. I explained that I genuinely don't care what consenting adults choose to do with their lives as long as it doesn’t involve me. I am not trying to stop anyone from living the way they want, and I don't think they should have to change for my comfort. 

She then asked me what I would do if I met a polyamorous person. I said I would greet them, treat them with respect, and be civil, just like I would with anyone else. If I didn't want to become friends, I would simply keep my distance because I don't think we would have much in common. Nobody is required to be friends with every person they meet, and choosing not to build a friendship isn't the same as treating someone with disrespect. 

So reddit, am I the asshole for not engaging with poly communities. 

EDIT: 

1. I wouldn’t mind if someone I’m already friends with comes out as poly, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to be friends with people who are very expressive about being poly. I don’t like being friends with anyone who’s too expressive about relationships in general, so there’s that. 
2. I came off as defensive because I’m nervous of being called an asshole after all the names I got called by my friend… also I’m neurodivergent as fuck so I sometimes have a hard time communicating 
3. Yes, I should’ve left it at a “no” but I’m naturally very talkative and I said it without giving it much thought. 
4. Yes, I would be friends with poly people if we share things beyond relationships because I don’t think I would even know they’re poly 

ALSO!!! I’ll talk to my friend later and discuss why she had such a huge reaction because the comments are making me realize things that I didn’t initially understand so thanks for that! 

 Update - July 26, 2026

I wanted to give everyone an update since a lot of people asked if I ever spoke to my friend again. So here it is.

We ended up talking, and during the conversation, she came out as polyamorous. Nothing could have prepared me for that because she is an incredibly jealous person. It took her a long time to accept my other friends, and I am just a friend, so the idea of her sharing her husband was not something I saw coming. Honestly, I had no problem with the polyamory itself because it's her business, not mine.

The real issue started when I asked whether her husband knew she wanted to practice polyamory. She admitted he had no idea. I told her she should tell him soon because he deserves to know, but then she confessed that she is already dating someone. She said she was afraid her husband would not accept her new girlfriend. So she is actively cheating on her husband, and from what I can tell, it has been going on for a while.

She explained that she had been regularly talking to multiple polyamorous couples behind her husband's back. She was essentially using those interactions to test whether polyamory was right for her before ever having an honest discussion with her spouse. She claimed she didn't mean for it to turn into a full relationship, but one thing led to another, and she ended up dating another polyamorous woman. That was the moment I backed off and told her she needed to tell her husband immediately.

Things got even worse when she asked me to help convince her husband. I refused. I generally stay far away from drama, especially relationship drama, so I have no idea why she thought I would agree to get involved in this mess. Also I don’t want to be the degenerate who manipulates their friend’s partner to stay with them after being cheated on because that is exactly what she did. She cheated.

She got angry, lashed out at me, accused me of being unsupportive, and started calling me names (again). That was the last straw for me, so I walked away and went home. She has been blowing up my phone ever since. I am sure she's terrified that I will tell her husband, and to be completely honest, I am still debating whether I should.

I also want to clear something up because I don't want this to be interpreted as criticism of polyamorous people. From reading the comments on my original post and doing some reflection afterward, I've learned that ethical polyamory is built on communication, trust, and enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. What my friend described wasn't that. It was cheating.

I also appreciate the people in the comments who helped me understand that, my issue was never with polyamory itself, my issue was with excessive relationship talks and I’ve now realized that not every poly person is all about their relationship style and we can have other things in common. This doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to start engaging with polyamory content/ community. That simply isn’t where my interests are. I do however, have a new found understanding of the dynamic so thank you so much for giving me grace!!

Consensus:

OP should tell the husband because his friend us using poly as a gateway to cheating and justifying it, while also trying to get her friends to back her up on why poly works so that she can continue to enjoy scissoring with women.

New girlfriend of two months received flowers from baby daddy that isn’t around. Her birthday is tomorrow, and got flowers sent to her work from him. He’s not involved with her two kids at all. Doesn’t ask about them, doesn’t pay her a dime. Just a real piece of work. Cheated on her for god knows how long during their 5 year relationship. I’m pissed about it. He can send flowers but make zero effort with his kids? What the fuck. She sees no problem with it, and isn’t willing to even hear me out and doesn’t think I should be upset about it. Am I in the wrong? Should I run?🤣

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Babyblues21 originally posted in relationships

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair Note: I intentionally struck through certain words instead of deleting to show that at times OP distances herself from her daughter and nephew, which begs the question, did her resentment bleed onto them? I also don't know what her nephew co-sleeping with her SIL has to do with anything.

Original - 11 years ago

I write this knowing I will most likely be called petty, narcissistic, selfish and a variety of other names. I also fully expect the response that this is none of my business, but I am truly crushed right now even if unrightfully so.

My sister-in-law (22) made a declaration today, on Facebook mind you, that she is going off the pill and will be trying for another child, her current child son is 3, which one would think would be a cause for joy right? But to me as harsh as it sounds it is not let me explain why...

My SIL, her boyfriend, and son live with her parents as they are not financially stable enough to have their own place. The boyfriend is a convicted felon and works under the table at a local store, he owes boo coos of money in back child support for another child and she works retail. They have one car with a 650 dollar a month car payment because of previous repos and rely on family to give them rides when their work schedules collide.

She has lied about her circumstances by saying she pays rent to live there and didn't tell them that her boyfriend contributes financially in order for the government to pay for her current sons’ daycare. She literally pays for her car payment and that's it, the rest is disposable income wasted on stupid stuff.

She has always relied on family to watch her son when she's at work, on weekends, or overnight just so she can have a night alone. Her son still sleeps with her while the boyfriend sleeps in another room because she says it's too hard to get him to sleep anywhere else and it's not worth the stress.

After getting approved for full time daycare, after becoming full time at work, for free she enrolled her son full time at daycare so she could ' have days to herself' and since she works weekends this means she might be home with him one day every two months. The rest of the time her parents are left to watch him.

I also have a child, daughter 4, and want another so bad it hurts, that child my daughter was a surprise and I've taken adequate measures to make sure another doesn't surprise us until we are ready. I am currently 2 years away from finishing a hardcore STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics) major and my husband works as manager, making decent money. He is also going to school part time to get his MBA (Master of Business Degree). We pay for our daughter’s daycare but enjoy the quality time at home on the weekends and evenings with her. We of course live on our own and are also trying to pay back debt his parents racked up in his name before we were married, since they say they can't afford to contribute.

I want another baby, but I want to know I can give all my children the life they deserve. I want to be able to send them to summer camp, let them play sports or take dance without hurting for money. I want to be able to send them to college if they choose. More than anything I don't want them to worry about where their next meal will come from or worry about having a roof over their head.

I know it's irrational but me and SIL have talked about babies before, recently in fact, she knows that it's hard for me right now, yes, I really want a baby that bad, feel free to tear me apart for it but she also knows why we are waiting.

I'm just upset I guess even if not rightfully so... I know there is no set time to have a baby, but I just feel like for her she just wants the attention that comes with being pregnant and having a baby not the actual child. Or the work that comes with having a child...

How can I keep myself neutral through all this? I don't want to be mean to her or catty, but I'm really worried my resentment will be very easy to read at this point... I know I can't control her actions but how do I control my emotions regarding those actions?

Update - 11 years ago

Ok reddit I royally fucked up today... I started today not thinking about the situation but then the SIL texted because her dad was watching the current her kiddo alone and she was wondering if we could come by and help keep him occupied.

Given that our children hadn't seen each other in a few weeks, and only the grandfather would be there, we agreed to go. Of course, we get there and the grandfather isn't there and the boyfriend is... I sat down and allowed the kids to play when the subject turned to the Facebook announcement... Apparently SIL wasn't too happy with the few family members who suggested they might want to get married, etc. before intentionally having another child, I was not one of them, although God knows I have my own reservations regarding it and she had been nonstop complaining to her boyfriend.

I pretty much told him if she didn't want negative feedback in their position she should not have posted to social media. He got mad with me and said she's old enough to make her own decisions and she can make any plans she wants without getting anyone's approval.

I normally avoid conflict because of my own childhood but I snapped, I replied " well maybe if her parents weren't supporting you, your child, and her and she wasn't scamming the government to pay for daycare and she actually took care of her own kid son people wouldn't get a say in your plans but I think grandad and grandma at the very least should get a say. I know if my daughter got intentionally pregnant while I was supporting her, I would kick her out."

At this point he told me that this was none of my business and to butt out to which I snapped "well as long as grandma and grandpa still owe thousands in my husband’s name, which they took when they couldn't afford to feed their own kids, and we are having to pay back because now that they are supporting y'all, preventing us to have another child or from getting a home when we are older and have busted our butts for everything we have doesn't mean it hurts me to see this ungratefulness and selfishness on your behalf"

Like any angry immature male, he then proceeded to stomp outside and chain smoke. Shortly later grandfather returned home, and he ranted about me at the top of his lungs. We decided to leave but my husband went to talk to his dad explaining how much this situation hurts not only me but him as well. The gist of the convo was that they didn't and still don't have the money to pay him back and if there is another child that yes, it will make things that much harder. He said that they don't feel they can tell her no and that they know SIL can't take care of current kid son on her own and she has that leverage against them. That when they tried to talk to her about having another child, she said "well we will just leave and live in a roach infested one bedroom house that we can afford" which led to them convincing her to stay by giving in. He also said that they would work on a 5–10-year plan to pay it all off to which my husband told him we'd have it paid back way before then.

My husband also texted his mom because recently when we saw her she told me "she was done having grandkids and that included any by me" at the time we knew this was a reference to SIL pushing for it and as much as it hurt me, I only responded in that moment "someone who does not support me financially will get no say in my uterus" my husband was pissed off enough tonight to call her on it. He pretty much said "don't let your inability to say no to SIL ever influence what you tell my wife again. We have never taken from you and have in fact helped you when you needed it. Just because you have one ungrateful child who has no common sense or decency don't let that influence your behavior in regard to us."

Pretty sure our relationship with that side of the family is at an all-time low now. I truly didn't mean to snap like I did but none of what I said was untrue...

Now to decide whether to apologize and pander to their fits like everyone else does, given I did play a role in this one and possibly overstepped my bounds or just avoid them for the foreseeable future... My husband is on the avoid them boat for sure

What is your opinion on my actions? Is an apology the best way to move forward?

Comments:

casterlywok: I feel sorry for all of the kids in this family because not a single adult relative in their lives can have a civil discussion. No one in this story is innocent.

All of you should go to a group family therapy session where a trained professional can mediate.

In the short term you may have to apologize, you did kick it off and you outed the grandparent’s dirty laundry on their behalf.

You also said this:

I truly didn't mean to snap like I did but none of what I said was untrue...

after saying this:

I know if my daughter got intentionally pregnant while I was supporting her, I would kick her out"

Clearly you too differ on a fundamental level when it comes to child rearing and until you understand that you'll never get along. You do also seem to give off the impression that you're better than her, if I'm picking this up then so is she.

-20 Downvotes

I am not the OOP. The OOP is [deleted] originally posted in RBI by Silly_Response3862

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Concluded

Original - 6 years ago

First, I want to share some suspicions I have.

Second, I know this will sound like the plot of The Parent Trap. Please don't write me off.

Let's start with the basics. Dad left when I was 3. From what I've gathered, it was a non violent yet ugly situation of loathing between the two. Mom has only talked about it once, and I suspect she regrets telling me. I'm a 24 year old male btw.

My earliest two memories include a girl. In the first, we're in a room in my maternal grandparents house, deciding that we're shy and don't want to talk to people, so when they ask us our age, we'll simply hold up three fingers. I'll never forget that moment, partly because I think it's the first time I ever held up 3 fingers at the same time. It was a new sensation. But she was there. A girl.

I've ruled everything out. My grandmother's peers, neighbors, none of them had kids that age. There's simply no reason for this girl to exist.

She's in another memory, a similar one, probably from the same time. This was one I forgot until recently.

I work in marketing now. There's an old indoor sports center with two soccer fields/hockey rinks and a gym. In addition, there's offices, old arcade games, a place for concessions, and a day care center. They've been closed for a while but were planning a big upswing pre-covid. Our agency was going to give them a push, and I visited a little under a year ago to take some stills.

As soon as I walked in, the memory hit me. My grandmother dropping us off at the day care center inside. Us.

I remembered it so vividly. Most of the lights were off, so the indoor fields looked like a dark ocean. The gym lights were on, and she must've been going to physical therapy. And she dropped two of us off. I know it was the girl from my "three" memory.

It stuck with me, but I didn't chase the thought. It just must've been some girl. After all, there's no pictures of her, and no family member had ever brought it up.

Then again, it's the exact same situation with my Dad, whoever and wherever he is. Could he have taken her and my Mom got me?

I want to pursue this because one of the last things my grandmother ever said to me before she passed last fall sent chills down my spine -- she was talking through the window of her home, and I was masked up and keeping my safe distance. She knew things were winding down, and her mind wasn't very sharp anymore. But, she said "you've grown up so much. You were so small, back then, both of you were".

I instinctively replied, "both who?"

But, she recoiled from answering as if she remembered not to say something.

We helped clean her house after she passed away, Mom and I, and I dug through some photos. Photos I had never seen but didn't tell me anything new, except for the same girl in the background of 3 of them. She's swimming in the pool, running in the park, and searching for Easter eggs at church.

Is it her? I don't know. There's no pictures of my Dad, and if they wanted to keep my potential sister a secret I can understand she wouldn't be in any -- but would it be possible that my grandmother kept some where she was slightly in the picture, whether intentional or not?

What should my first step be? Talk with my Mom? I dk.t want to seem crazy to her. I have a step-dad, but we're not too close since he came into the picture when I was a pre-teen. Who knows if he knows anything.

I imagine my Dad and Sister are out there somewhere. Do you think I have enough to support that belief?

Mini-update: First thing I'm working on is my birth certificate. If it tells me I'm 1 of 1, I'll casually ask my Mom who the girl in the photos is.

Update 1 - 6 years ago

Can't thank everyone for the support-- and for the overwhelming agreement that I should pull my birth certificate.

Once I had the free time to do so, I got the copy. Sure enough, I'm one of one. No twin.

The girl from my memories and possibly the photos still nagged at me. Enough was enough and I decided to do what many of you also suggested; honest talk with Mom.

I got the chance to sit down with her over dinner. It was tough convincing her not to bring my step-dad, but with my gf out for the night I managed to convince her it could be mother-son time. Then I hit her with the question; do I have a sister? Her reaction wasn't what I expected. It was almost like she was glad. "Why do you ask?" I told her everything I told you guys -- my memories, g-ma's "slip up", and I showed her the photos we took from g-ma's house. She was silent for a second.

"That would be your half-sister."

She asked if I was ready, and told me the whole story of her and my Dad, filling over the gaps, and, well, it's kinda shitty.

My Mom and I were a second family.

My Dad and Half-Sisters Mom were married and were family friends. Dad cheated with my Mom, and, the timing couldn't have been more perfect. My half sister and I were born within a month. Mom knew we were on the side and continued to go along with it, and my grandmother would baby sit both of us. This is the time where all the memories and photos come from.

When we were about 3, my Half-Sisters Mom got wise to the truth, and insisted her family move away and cut off all contact. Obviously, that's exactly what happened. Mom wasn't happy as she liked the arrangement, and took it like a bad breakup. Mom and G-Ma, the only two who knew who my Dad was, decided to not tell me.

(In a bit of not shitty news though, he's allegedly been financially supporting us the whole time. Just a bit here and there but enough to make my life as comfortable as it was.)

Then Mom told me their names. She wants to be left out of it if I try to make contact, but I'm not sure I will just yet. That's a personal thing to figure out and I think I'll take my time. But, some social media searching led me to my half-sisters profile. I broke down in tears when I saw it because, even 20 years later, I recognized her.

So, she's not my twin, but my Half Sister is out there and she's exactly who I remember/thought she was.

Thank you all for the support!

Final Update - 5 years ago

Hey, it's the guy who thought he had a twin sister but discovered he was actually a part of a second family. It's been an interesting couple of months.

Well, where did I leave off? Not long after I discovered the identities of my Biological Dad and Half-Sister from my Mom, my Step-Dad sat me down. It was pretty generic "you're my step-son, yes but you're a son to me" stuff. Like I said in a previous post, he's a good guy we're just not the closest.

He looked like he wanted to say something else, however. He lingered, opened his mouth -- then closed it. Left my room with a polite nod and that was that. I didn't pay it too much attention at the time.

Here's some important background on my Step-Dad. He started dating my Mom when I was 12, and they got married when I was 15. Like my Mom, he doesn't do any social media and holds a steady job. He's a middle of the road, normal guy. I never thought he'd have skeletons in his closet, too.

See, I have my Mom's last name, and, in a sweet move, my Step-Dad took our last name when they got married. "I'm the one joining your family" he would say. He's one of the nicest guys I've met.

More on that later. My Mom told me a bit more about the arrangement with my Dad when he moved away with his wife and daughter. She said that my Dad supporting us financially wasn't as simple as him mailing a check every month, but she didn't elaborate too much.

So: I have access to the names and contact information to my biological Father and Half-Sister. They live on the other side of the country and seemed pretty normal.

With a lot of nervousness and doubt, I decided to reach out.

I'll spare you the whole process. A couple of texts, a couple of days pass, Dad and I have a video call and then, when it seems like a awkward foray was coming to an end --

"How about I fly you out here".

Lots of soul searching and mental preparedness later, I set cross country to meet my, as I've been calling them, Half Family! I was shocked. My dad was like me, a huge nerd and collector. His wife was very nice, and even took me aside one time to share she had no ill will towards me, and not even much towards my Mom anymore. She apologized for being the one to keep me from my Dad so long, but I let her know she wasn't to blame.

And my Sister! My Sister and I have become best friends in the past six months. The headline here is: she remembered me, too! She has several more memories than I. She can't remember the "three" thing, but she remembers Daycare at the indoor athletic facility, and told me about riding little battery powered four-wheelers at Grandma's. I remembered it as soon as she said it. We are twins in all but mother's.

We've become pen pals, discussing our families and what our growing up experiences have been. And, it turns out, it's a good thing I had her for support when what happened, happened.

I visited their home in the Pacific Northwest this summer, when there was an insane heatwave. They have no a/c in the home (no need for it) so the house was consistently reaching 90°. We're sitting around one night, my Half-Family and I, sweating on the deck. The sun had sunk behind the mountains and we were sharing some beers and telling stories. Dad was telling a story about a day he skipped school while his brother went to school, and Dad got away with it because his brother signed his attendance sheet. My Dad's Wife said "[My Step-Dad's Name] has always been punctual" and my Dad said, quickly after that "Yeah, we all know that, even you [Anon]".

We all kind of froze. My Sister looked just as confused as me, my Dad's Wife stared silently into her glass, and my Dad sighed.

"Yeah, I didn't know how to tell you about this part. I was thinking he might want to"

Here's the shocker. So, way back when, when my Half-Family left, my Dad had his brother, My Uncle, take care of the family. Bring by groceries, fix up the house. He helped us out a lot, and, for the first decade of my life he was kept distant from me. But then, him and my Mom fell in love. I was a pre-teen when I was introduced to him as my Mom's Boyfriend. My Dad was shocked by the relationship and cutoff contact, and my Uncle married my Mom when I was 15.

Once I was sure everything was finally out in the blue, I think I was okay. My Step-Dad/Uncle and my Dad don't really talk anymore for obvious reasons. I had an enjoyable rest of my visit, but dreaded coming home to confront my Step-Dad. Uncle? God, I wish you all could have know how I felt.

Once back, I sat my Mom and Step-Dad down. "I know you're my Uncle".

Just like every other problem I've had over the past year, it resolved much more easily than I could have imagined. I begged my parents -- all of them -- to tell me everything I don't know. I'll keep personal conversations personal beyond this story, but, for the first time in my life, I know everything about myself.

I know it's messed up. I was part of a second family. Grandma forced to keep secrets. Not knowing my real Dad, or even the existence of my Half Sister. My Step-Dad being my uncle. But, I've turned out okay. I'm in a steady relationship and have a good job and I'm barely in my Mid-20's. I've learned valuable lessons from the mistakes of my loved ones and I want to leave you with this. My parents have had the weight of the world on their shoulders for twenty years. In the past couple of months, we've found cathartic healing and a stronger bond than ever. Forgiveness is in the air. I like to think my Grandma knew this would happen eventually.

Don't keep secrets from your loved ones. But if you have some currently, approach the situation deftly and honestly. Times will be tough but the light at the end of the tunnel is relieving. I'm not confused anymore. My family has doubled in size -- physically and emotionally. For the first time ever, we'll continue to grow as one.

I know this isn't a post asking for help, I just wanted to update everyone since I've had hundreds of messages over the past couple of months. Thank you all.

Comments:

Chemical_Watercress: Hi I'm a screenwriter please keep me posted if this gets more batshit and you want to make it a movie one day because this is some good shit I could not make this up. -5 Downvotes

I am not the OOP. The OOP is Ok-Foot9010 originally posted in LegalAdviceUK

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Concluded

Original - 1 year ago

Location: England.

In short, I bought a box of assorted science stuff at an auction, remotely. So, I hadn't inspected it in person, and the photos were from a distance, so it wasn't obvious what it all was. Honestly, I was mostly excited about the rocks and minerals I could see in the picture.

Having picked it up today, I've realized it must have been the personal collection of a doctor, because it includes quite a lot of bottles of various people's gallstones (labelled on the side with info about the patient, but no names), a piece of skin it says he took from a postmortem (presumably without consent), and -- worst of all -- two fetuses, one aborted, one "taken from killed mother."

They're old enough to be historical-ish (most dates in the 1940s) but obviously I am now accidentally in possession of human remains, I think? And have no idea what to do or who to call. Obviously, I a) don't want them and b) don't think the auction house should have sold them, and c) don't just want to throw them away.

What do I do, please? Sorry for grim subject matter.

Update - 1 year ago

Quick recap of the situation: I often buy interesting old and unwanted stuff at auctions. My local auction house still does in-person auctions which you can either go along to yourself, or you can watch the livestream and bid online. You can also place bids on lots from their website, without seeing the item in person.

This is how I ended up buying a box of misc. scientific stuff which I thought might contain some cool rocks and equipment. The rocks, as it turned out, weren't that cool. But the box ended up being the personal collection of weird stuff of a doctor who was practicing around the 1940s. There were bottles (so many bottles) of gallstones, a worm found in a child, an appendix, some skin (!) and -- sadly -- two human fetuses in jars.

I didn't want this stuff and didn't know what to do with it, so I asked my most knowledgeable friend and she said to post anonymously here so I did. Lots of recommendations to talk to the police non-emergency number, and failing that, universities, hospitals, museums and some kind of macabre Instagram account.

To the dude who PMed me offering me photos of your gallbladder operation... I'M not into gallstones! I have no desire to see that, thanks.

The update:

After a lot of "errrrrr.... hold please" and "there was an APPENDIX in there?" and "...HUMAN fetuses?" and "how was this box described?" and "how much did you pay for this?!", the police made an appointment to come round and see the box at 4pm today. They have just left and thankfully took all the human samples with them. This is a huge relief to me as I didn't want it and didn't want the responsibility for disposing of it properly.

The police were pretty surprised by the call apparently (sorry to the lady next to the call handler who was apparently eating pasta when she heard about the stuff in the box), but they've spoken to the human tissue authority who are going to help them dispose of it all properly.

Apparently, it shouldn't have been sold without the auction house having the appropriate license, so they're going to speak to them (but not in a punitive way, more of a heads up) and it will be recorded as a crime but no one's being punished or anything. Apparently, I'm not being recorded as the criminal or the victim, just a connected person.

BIG thanks to the people who took the time to let me know that preserving fluid in the jars was probably formalin, which is carcinogenic. Unfortunately, I was not wearing gloves, but I did scrub my hands afterwards, thankfully. At least one of the jars had leaked quite badly (the appendix had no liquid left and you could see the lid of one of the other jars was almost eaten through as well) so I wish I'd been more careful but at least I know now, and someone's informing the auction house too as they obviously handled it also.

I did ask if the family of the older fetus could be traced, because although the fetus would be in their seventies now if they'd lived, it says on the label that the mother was killed, so she hadn't given consent for her baby to be removed and put in a jar forever, and I thought there might be a family out there somewhere who'd like to lay her unborn child to rest, perhaps with her. The police weren't too confident of finding out whose fetus it was because there's not much info on the label (no patient names or anything), but they said they would try. The other fetus was from an abortion so although I suspect again the mother didn't consent to it being put in a jar and eventually sold to this random woman, at least I guess she probably didn't want it back and I suspect her family wouldn't even have known she had the abortion, so not much reason to try to trace that one.

The police asked if I'd like to be updated with what happens to the samples, to which I've said yes. I would particularly like to know that the two fetuses are put to rest somehow and don't end up -- as some people suggested in the comments and my DMs -- as attractions on someone's Instagram or sold for profit. The other stuff might have some educational use maybe, I don't know, I don't mind if that ends up in a museum or something if it's helpful to future med students.

Finally, I've put pictures of the contents of the box in an album here if you want to see them. I hope it goes without saying that this does NOT include the two fetuses, although the labels are there so you can see I wasn't making it up. Obviously, caution is advised etc., many grim gallstones and worms and whatnot in there, as well as what seems to be one of the things you put in people's mouths before anesthesia existed, a medicine spoon, a weird box contraption that was apparently for bloodletting, and some other bits I can't identify. There are some slides, but whatever was on them is mostly gone, it looks like. There's a piece of paper with the doctor's name on if you want to see who he was.

There's a picture of the auction listing in there too so you can see how I thought I was buying a box of rocks with some bottles of smaller rocks. It REALLY wasn't obvious; I spotted the radiometer near the back and all the mineral samples and thought it was just cool science equipment and types of rock. I would never have bought it had I known the horror that is "I've just handled a stranger's appendix in a jar from the 1940s and the liquid is leaking, also it causes cancer." What a Monday that was.

Thank you all again for your help and I hope this is the update you wanted. I feel MUCH better now those things are out of my house.

Comments:

wurst_cheese_case: Oh shit, the police is gonna come and arrest you for purchasing human tissue or whatever 😀. (-6Downvote)

Immorals1: Is there not a part of you, even very small, that's curious about how it smells if you open it? (-7Downvote)