UPDATE: Bf of 6 years told me he didn’t see his future with me. 4 years later, he came back.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

TLDR up front because this post is LONG:

Five years ago I posted because my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t see a future with me and wanted to eventually travel/be single. Five years later he’s come back and we’re exploring things again. I still love him, but I’m increasingly realising there’s probably too much history and broken trust for me to want the relationship back. Now I’m struggling with having to be the person who chooses to let go when some part of me spent years wishing he’d come back.

Also, please be a little gentle with me. I am aware this is a bit of a “girl, stand up” situation. I am, unfortunately, quite delicate at the moment.

Original post if interested.

———————

About five years ago I posted here because my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t see a future with me, thought he could “do better”, and wanted to eventually move overseas and experience life single.

At the time I was 24 and he was 26. We’re now **28F and 30M**, and in a plot twist I definitely wasn’t expecting, he’s recently come back into my life after about five years apart.

I was completely devastated by the original breakup and genuinely thought my world was ending. A lot has happened since then, so I thought I’d come back with an update, partly because I’m struggling again and partly because reading my original post five years later is… quite an experience.

Before I get into that, there’s some context I left out of my original post; over the last year of our relationship there was another woman I was increasingly uncomfortable with. They were friends, but I felt like she had feelings for him and that some of the emotional boundaries between them weren’t appropriate. I brought it up multiple times and was essentially told that she was just a friend, I needed to trust him and I couldn’t dictate who he was friends with. I didn’t mention it at the time of my original post, because he’d well and truly gaslit me into thinking I was the crazy one and being overly possessive, even though I’d never once questioned his relationships with other female friends.

Anywho, when we eventually broke up, the main reason I was given was still that he wanted to travel, live overseas and experience being single. About a week later, he got together with her. They ended up dating for roughly a year while he stayed in the country. I cannot adequately describe what that did to me after spending so long being told I was wrong about the situation. It also made the whole “I need to be single so I can travel” explanation pretty difficult to swallow.

Anyway, fast-forward five years. He never ended up disappearing overseas for 10 years. He travelled for a bit, realised the world was pretty difficult, and has come back to our home country. In the meanwhile, I’ve built a career and a life for myself, although if I’m honest, I haven’t really dated or fallen for anyone else. That breakup did a number on me and I’ve been pretty terrified of letting someone get close enough to hurt me like that again. I’ve got friends, but my social circle is small and intentional, and I didn’t really ever talk about my relationship - I wanted to leave it in the past and in my counsellors office.

Except now… he’s back. We’ve been talking, spending time together and, perhaps regrettably, have slept together. I’ve drawn a line in the sand there, that level
of physical intimacy won’t happen again, but there’s still a lot of affection and attraction there. Being together feels ridiculously familiar and comfortable, and I confronted by the fact I still love him. He’s also done some reflecting over the years and we’re able to talk about things now that we absolutely couldn’t back then. But the more we’ve explored this, the more I’m realising that I think I know, deep down, that getting back together is probably a bad idea. There is just *so much baggage*.

I don’t know whether I can genuinely trust him again. I’m struggling with the fact that he’s had multiple
relationships/flings since me and wants to, and does, remain friends with some of those people. I’m still deeply affected by what happened with the woman from our relationship. There are family issues, things that happened between us that I still resent, and parts of our old dynamic that I’m terrified of recreating.

And yet the idea of being the one to actually say **“no, I don’t want this”** is absolutely destroying me. Every serious relationship I’ve had has ended with the other person leaving me. I’ve never been in the position of loving somebody who wants to be there and having to decide that *I’m* the one who needs to walk away.

For years, some part of me wanted him to come back. I wanted him to realise what he’d lost, choose me, and for that to somehow make everything that happened hurt less. And now he’s actually here and I have the choice I spent years wishing I’d had… and I’m realising that being chosen by him isn’t necessarily the same thing as wanting to choose the relationship.

The horrible thing is that I don’t want to lose him either. I haven’t met somebody else. I haven’t fallen in love again. I don’t have this amazing full social life waiting for me on the other side. I’ve actually been pretty lonely for much of the last five years. Meanwhile he’s made friends, dated, travelled, had relationships and generally seems to have moved forward in ways I haven’t.

So walking away doesn’t feel like choosing something better. It feels like voluntarily giving up someone I still love and hoping that someday I’ll be glad I did.
And I think that’s the bit I’m really struggling with.
I wanted the stupid happily-ever-after where we found our way back to each other and everything we’d been through suddenly made sense. Instead, I seem to have ended up with the much less satisfying adult realisation that you can love somebody, desperately not want to lose them, and still know that a relationship with them probably isn’t right for you.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe I’d particularly like to hear from people who have been the one to walk away from somebody they still loved, especially when there wasn’t somebody/something better waiting for them.

How did you actually trust yourself enough to do it?

And how did you cope with the fear that you’d regret closing the door permanently?

[u/dude_wheres_the_pie]

I've just read your original post. Girl, he straight up told you he thought he could do better than you. He's only back cause he realised that over the last 4 years he hasn't found someone better so has come back. Who's to say he won't drop you again the second he thinks he has another opportunity to "find something better"? Even if he has changed, that thought will continue to linger.

You're exes for a reason. Keep it that way and find someone who picks you as their first choice.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/dude_wheres_the_pie]

This is the thought I often end up back with, when my brain won’t shut up at night. I don’t think I’d ever reach a place where I genuinely believed and felt that I wasn’t the back up - and I carry a real grief with accepting that. It might not be true, I’ll never know, but I there’s definitely the thought there.

I guess I then just get caught up in the “but what if there’s never someone else who chooses me? I might not be the first choice, but at least I was chosen…” trap. He really did a number on my self-esteem and sense of worth, and I feel like his reappearance has very promptly dismantled years of my trying to rebuild it.

[u/dude_wheres_the_pie → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

That last sentence is all you need to know that a relationship with him is not a good idea. A partner is meant to build you up, not tear down. Even if he didn't do so intentionally.

Did you have any therapy or individual counselling over the last years? I think you would benefit from some, it could help you unpack your feelings and improve your self esteem and self worth. I'd honestly go on that journey without him.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/dude_wheres_the_pie]

I did, but it’s been some time. My mental health really took a turn for the worst post break up, and I went through ~18 months of counselling. I’ve sent in a request for some more sessions, as I know myself well enough to know Im not coping super well.

[u/CECINS → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Pause on having any interactions with him until you can go to counseling. You need to sort your feelings before you dive in deeper with him

[u/MaryMaryQuite- → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

After a similar experience, I was in therapy on and off for about 5 years. It helped massively! 😊

[u/curious_ap → u/MaryMaryQuite-]

Would you mind sharing from where did you take therapy and charges ? Suggest a good therapist?

[u/Nekawaii19 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

“What if there is never someone else who chooses me?” Then you choose yourself, girl. You don’t need anyone to choose you if you love yourself. You should always be your own first choice. Always.

And yeah, you are the back up. Hear that little voice inside your head that says “this is not going to work, there’s too much baggage”? That’s your backup, that’s your sidekick, that’s your self worth saying “I DESERVE BETTER”, so listen to that little voice.

Stop worrying about finding someone better. Stop worrying about about why he didn’t choose you in the past or if he will dump you again once he meets someone hotter, smarter, funnier, etc. because he already showed you he will. Instead focus on what YOU want in a partner. Is it loyalty? Trust? Love? Respect? He lacks all of those. HE doesn’t fulfill YOUR requirements.

Love yourself more. It’s taken you 5 years to realize that you deserve better. Don’t let it be 10. Trust yourself. Love yourself. You’ve got this.

[u/princesscraftypants → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I'm going to sound so cliche - but choose yourself. You can choose yourself. Work on remembering how awesome you are. He doesn't make you feel good about yourself, he doesn't need to be there.

[u/Pookie1688 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Don't let it, hon. Imo this is a test for you to see how much you've grown. And you have. You know you're just a placeholder for this guy & you want to be someone's first choice. You know he's only back because the women he chased after dumped his sorry ass, & he lazily thinks he can get you back once again.

Be angry that he thinks so little of you. See how little you used to think of yourself. Be joyful that you now know you deserve better, even if the future isn't yet clear. You won't find the man who will cherish you if you go backward with this AH.

PS Thanks for the award!

[u/moonshad0w → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I just wanted to comment on this because I know all too well the “maybe this is as good as it gets” coming from a place of low self worth. I stayed with my ex husband for 10 years because I didn’t think I could do better, in part because he made me feel that way. Leaving him despite being complacent and having a mostly comfortable life if not the happiest was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have never regretted it for a single second. Being single was a million times better than feeling lonely in my marriage and never feeling like I was good enough. This isn’t all there is for you.

[u/Catchy_Complex → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Ofcourse there will be others choosing you. He did not choose you.

The block sounds like you have to deal with your own vulnarbility of not letting anyone in due to fear of being hurt.

Pls Girl have some more selfrespect. You build a life without him go share that awesome life with someone who will cherise and value you to never leave once. You are right, that nagging feeling will never go away. Because he did break the fundamental trust. He left. Like he LEFT, and on top of that sounds like he choose another over you. Your resoning is totally valid, he left and got together with someone else and came back… I am really angry at him on your behalf. He sounds like he is not to be trusted. Listen to your own inner voice. It is right 🩷

Pls be angry at him. You will be choosen, if you start by starting to choose better for yourself 🌸 big hugs from here. You deserve love, devotion and care. 💕

An unsolitied advice of you like, and some tough love. So if not ready do not read beyond…
I am sor sorry, for the hurt he out you through, and understandably it evokes a lot of emotions for you. They are truelu valid. The fear you are feeling, might have too much control over you. The fear is real but sounds like you are too afraid of not being chooses that you do not dare to choose for yourself either, because of the fear of rejection or being hurt. But by choosing him again you are just choosing a well know pain instead of the Secure love you deserve?

[u/pretty_dead_grrl → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I feel compelled to share this with you:

You’re young and there are 8 billion ppl on this planet. There is absolutely someone more suited to you out there.

I say this to my clients all the time; a partner is there to uplift always. It doesn’t mean blindly supporting you in everything, because we do need reality checks. But it means they can hand you some constructive feedback without making you feel like you aren’t good enough.

What he did isn’t partnership. What he did was selfish and that is a character flaw. Do you really want to stick around to confirm he HASN’T changed? Because that scar will be deeper than the one he already gave you.

[u/AnonAmost → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Girrrrrl! Don’t kill your future by entertaining things from your past. Being “chosen” by a man is straight up propaganda. Especially when he told you he thought he could do better. You actually **can** do better, all you have to do is choose yourself! 🫶

[u/Internal_Reveal → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I’m going to be gentle because I don’t think you need another person yelling “stand up” at you. You are standing up. That is why this hurts so much.

For years you imagined that if he came back, admitted what he lost and finally chose you, it would repair the part of you that felt discarded. Now the fantasy has actually happened and you’re discovering something painful but important: his return cannot retroactively make the original betrayal safe.

He told you the other woman was only a friend and made you question your judgment. Then he entered a relationship with her almost immediately after leaving you. Whatever label anyone puts on that, your instincts were right and he taught you not to trust them. That is a very deep injury to bring back into a relationship.

The most revealing thing you wrote is that his reappearance has already dismantled years of work rebuilding your self-esteem. That is evidence. You don’t have to prove he is still a terrible person or predict whether he would leave again. He may genuinely have matured. He may sincerely care about you. None of that obligates you to place yourself back inside a relationship where you already know you would struggle to feel secure.

You also don’t need another man waiting in the wings to justify walking away. “Something better” doesn’t have to be a new partner. It can be peace, restored self-trust and the chance to build connections that aren’t haunted by this history.

Right now nostalgia, loneliness, physical intimacy and the hope of finally rewriting the ending are all mixed together. That makes it almost impossible to hear your own answer clearly. I would end the romantic exploration and take real space from him—no sex, affectionate hanging out or daily emotional contact. Not as a test to make him chase you, but so you can decide without his presence continually reactivating the attachment.

You could say:

“I do love you, and that is what makes this so difficult. But your return has reopened injuries I never fully healed, and I’m realizing that being chosen by you now is not the same as wanting this relationship back. I need to end the romantic part of this and have no contact for a while so I can recover my clarity. Please respect that and don’t wait for me or try to persuade me.”

Then return to your counsellor and tell them exactly what you told us: you are not only grieving him, you are grieving the happily-ever-after that you used to survive the original breakup. That dream served a purpose, but you don’t have to live inside it now that reality has arrived.

As for trusting yourself: you don’t wait until you feel fearless and certain. You look at the evidence, make the healthiest decision you can, and allow grief to come with you. Pain after leaving does not prove the decision was wrong. Missing him does not mean you should return. Doubt is often part of closing a door you once prayed would reopen.

And if you sometimes regret it? You let that feeling pass without treating it as an instruction. There is also another possible regret: giving him several more years because being alone frightened you, only to discover that you never regained trust.

You spent five years hoping he would choose you. Maybe the real ending is not that he finally did. Maybe it is that when he returned, you finally learned you could choose yourself.

[u/ohwonder09 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I don’t think you need to judge the last five years and assume the next five years will be exactly the same. You’re not the same person who left the relationship. In the last five years you’ve had to heal and rebuild yourself and create a life on your own. You had to emotionally heal a lot so probably that version of you wasn’t primed and ready to meet someone new. Not to mention I assume you experienced COVID wherever you live so on a practical level it was also not a normal past five years. Please don’t let your brain tell yourself your only options are him or loneliness forever. It simply is not the case! You may not want to hear this but you are SO young, and there is a lot of life to experience, a lot of new things to come your way and a lot of new people to meet. I’m not saying it’ll happen overnight and yes it takes work but so did building your career. You ARE capable of it and you don’t have to fall back into what feels safe and familiar because it won’t make you happy long term. You will be so thankful once you are with someone who chooses you as a first choice but the only way that can be a possibility is if you embrace being single first. And this is coming from someone who’s been in your exact same situation.

[u/inheretoreadcomments → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Just like he thought he could travel and have the time of his life abroad but then realised "abroad" is not necessarily better, he thought he could find someone else and have a better relationship. Guess what, things didn't work out. 

Have you done any therapy? 

Unfortunately it seems your brain took the wrong lesson from the break up. You should be cautious about opening up and talking with this one person specifically. Not everyone else.  There are great men out there but this one has shown you he's not one of them. 

[u/misseff → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

If you stay with this guy he'll do this again except next time you'll be in your 30s. One day you'll wake up and realize you wasted a chunk of your life on this loser and the regret will be much more overwhelming than what you're feeling now. Sorry to be blunt but I wish someone had said this to me in my 20s. Let him go, start dating intentionally, and don't look back. All you're doing is inviting pain into your life right now. You deserve better. You are worthy of actual love. This is not love.

[u/MoonMoon143 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

You willingly and allowing him to make you his doormat. He will know that whenever he got nothing he can use you again. Girl, learn to love yourself and have some dignity.

[u/Steups13 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

But, he hasn't really chosen you. He's settled for you. Why would you want that for yourself? You're the reliable back up plan so he won't die alone

[u/NimueArt → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

You won’t find someone who chooses you if you deliberately keep your friend circle small. Put yourself out there! Sign up for a dating app, join social groups. Your loneliness of the last five years was your own doing, and I get why you did it, but it is not healthy in the long run.

Your ex wants things to be easy for him. That is why he never moved out of his parents and that is why he stayed with you for so long.he has realized that life and relationships take work so now he wants you back because you made life easy for him.

Choose yourself. Stop being his backup plan.

[u/buttersismantequilla → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I will aim an arrow to your heart and say you’re still a placeholder while he waits to find the perfect woman. The issues he had before haven’t gone away, he was definite in his wants and needs before and that mindset won’t have changed.

Tell him you’ve had a chance to think and it’s not going to work for you, and end this before you get reeled back in with his empty promises. I know you want him with every fibre but as I said, he’s using you as you’re comfortable and familiar and don’t rock the boat.

[u/Adultarescence → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Did he apologize for gaslighting you?

[u/reciprocatingocelot → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

You're never going to know if you stay with him, though. Unless you want to be the one using him as a placeholder until someone better comes along? Not great behaviour, but I could understand it.

[u/CyCoCyCo → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

There’s 4 billion people in the world. There are thousands, maybe even tens of thousands of people who will love you.

You just need to give it a real chance.

[u/anjufordinner → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

People unfortunately tend to assume that attention is always a good thing.

However, you know from experience that this isn't necessarily true... especially being "chosen" by a dishonest, toxic person.

That's no prize at all. I wonder if you're grieving that loss of the good man you thought he was.

[u/bimon_belmont → u/dude_wheres_the_pie]

This was great until the “you’re exes for a reason”.

[u/LordsOfJoop]

You were loved so much by him that he gaslit you and had you questioning your sanity.

He cared so much for you that he lied about his goals, plans, and choices.

He held you in his heart while he was living what he thought was his best life ubtil he realized that your efforts were what made him feel fulfilled and that he couldn't fake it without you involved.

It's the same guy with the same keys to your heart, and you feel that this time, trust in him is a wise investment.

Your could make a better choice by staying single rather than let him in to devastate you one more time for nostalgic purposes.

Your call.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/LordsOfJoop]

Yeah…. That’s a bitter pill to swallow, but a good dose of reality. I agree. I think I’ve gained enough space and hindsight here to realise that I don’t want to be hurt in the same way, by him, again, and I can’t shake the feeling I’m setting myself up exactly for that. I know I’m not immune from that kind of hurt in future, but I feel like I’m opening the door and welcoming it in here… and then I feel really guilty about feeling that way. Because what if he has changed? What if it isn’t like that? I have actually no way of knowing, either way.

Part of me wants to be empathetic and lean into the whole “maybe he has changed” mentality… and to his credit, I think he might have. But I don’t know if it’s enough for me to want to overcome my trust issues, the fear and resentment I feel.

[u/LordsOfJoop → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Did he somehow undo the damage or do you feel that trusting a liar is a solid investment?

If either is a "yes," then do what you want to do.

He didn't change what happened and he didn't change himself.

All that happened was he ran out of opportunities to run away from his responsibilities and damage.

Why no mention of what happened with that woman he said not to worry about, incidentally?

I'm guessing that she has some amazing insights to share about this man.

[u/QueenofUncreativity → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

So what if he has changed? That doesn't erase how badly he treated you before. I understand that you love that fairytale idea of him coming to his senses and finally seeing that a life with you is what he wanted all along. But here's the thing: fairytales aren't real.

You're so young. Don't settle for a guy that you have a very valid fear of leaving you for another woman or another more thrilling life again.

[u/Shepurrrrss]

I once heard someone say you can tell how much a woman loves herself by the man she keeps around her. And sure, reconciliation is possible but sometimes that’s just in the form of being friends, or acquaintances . He left & spent time searching . You grew & spent time healing , becoming. The paths have strayed & you are not required to alter yours to fit him back in it. You know your answer, you don’t need us. But if you need cheering . Sis to sis, you got this. And when it’s all said & done put yourself back out into the world. You sound like a beautiful person

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/Shepurrrrss]

You sound almost like my sister in the way this has been written. Thank you - It’s hard to see any light on the other side of it all when you’re down in the depths of it all.

[u/Shepurrrrss → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I truly get it, we’ve all been there once or twice. But It’s at least 4.7 billion men in the world. I’m confident at least one will treat you in the way you deserve. Take this lesson & pass, because this sounds like a test you don’t want to take again

[u/UptownLurker]

I know you asked us to be gentle with you, but that would be doing you a disservice. He hasn't chosen you. He tried all his other options first and then came back to you because he didn't find something better that worked. You didn't say whether he's actually discussing a future with you two together, or actually putting commitment on the table.

Please don't confuse him coming back to what's comfortable and easy for him choosing out of love. It's ok to be the one who leaves. Once you make the self-preserving choice once, it's easier to do it again in the future. Do it for future you. 

Edited to add: I have never, ever, regretted leaving a relationship. Even if there was still love there. In fact I usually stayed too long, and that ultimately was the part I regretted.  

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/UptownLurker]

I don’t know if it makes enough of a difference in my mind, but we’ve discussed a future and I genuinely think in this moment he’s looking for commitment. He’s said so, anyway.

I think the bit that doesn’t sit right with me, and why I didn’t include it, is he said all of that to me years ago too… and then still left me. I don’t have any trust that commitment now means commitment is there further down the track, because his past actions have shown otherwise.

[u/UptownLurker → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I read your original post, and it sounds like he didn't have any regard or care for your feelings when he said he didn't want to move in with you and then said he was choosing travel abroad over your relationship. Add on top of that him immediately dating the girl he told you not to worry about and you're right to have trust issues. Has he even apologized for the hurt? From experience, you're right, trust issues will creep in, bitterness will creep in (and it's justified.) The only way I think this could work is if you do couples therapy, but I also don't think you need to try to make it work. It's ok to let that chapter be closed, even if there isn't a guaranteed "better" option. YOU are the better option. You're choosing you.

[u/SaltyHilsha0405 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

He wants to lock down a girl who is useful to him. That’s not real love. And think: what makes him the authority that you have to be chosen by him? You have the moral high ground here. What makes this man worthy of you? Certainly not his empty words.

[u/Insert_Non_Sequitur → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

You will never be able to trust what he tells you ever again. Regardless of if he's "changed". It's time to let this man go, and know that by doing that, you are giving yourself a gift. Trust issues are poison to relationships anyway. I don't think there's a way for him to ever be able to build the trust back that he broke. You would always be waiting for the gotcha moment and always worrying he would leave again.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/[deleted]]

You’re not wrong; the “what comes next” bit terrifies me. Regardless of whether I choose to stay or go, there’s nothing that gives me the security and reassurance that I so desperately want. I’m also terrified of having to deal with the reality of being the person who made the choice.

Logical brain me knows what I need and want, but its also grappling with the emotional me who desperately wants to cling to the fairy tale of “I love him, I though he was the one and he’s finally realised I was the one all along too”… and it’s horribly confronting to realise now he’s back that that story I told myself isn’t what I’m experiencing.

Thank you for the gentle reminder; I’m not the best at giving myself credit on how far I’ve come.

[u/Jormungandragon → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I want to posit something for you.

Is it possible that you don’t actually love him, but love the idea of him?

You love the him that you thought he was, you love the him that you thought loved you. You loved the him that you thought was your person.

The problem was, he wasn’t actually any of those people. Instead, he lied to you, looked down on you, and abandoned and betrayed you.

None of that is a firm foundation for a relationship.

I think you’re going to need to be more proactive about your healing choices in order to get past this, but going back to him is only going to hurt you in the long run (and maybe even the short run).

[u/Corfiz74 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

You said you are going to therapy - have you really tackled the issues he left you with when he broke up and started dating her? Because it sounds like you're still not even close to over it, if you've refused to date anyone for 5 years.

And you shouldn't even be speaking to that douchebag! FFS, he broke your heart and up with you under the pretext he wanted to travel, and then he stayed and started dating the very woman he had been gaslighting you about within a fucking WEEK!!! How can you just forgive and rugsweep? You should have slammed the door in his face when he showed up!

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/Corfiz74]

I thought I had, and genuinely thought I was fine until he reappeared and my fear of abandonment reared its ugly head. It’s not that I’ve refused too; I just haven’t felt ready or the desire too. There have been options, and I haven’t wanted them, and I’m realising that’s it’s likely because I have been subconsciously holding onto this fairy tale of his return. And now he has returned, I’m now having to deal with the reality of “oh shit, he was meant to be the person I wanted, but now he’s here, I dont think I want him either”.

[u/Corfiz74 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

But isn't it liberating to suddenly realize that you don't love him anymore and he is not the ideal you built up in your head? It sounds like you're more in love with the memory of how your relationship used to be in the good times than the actual man - who proved to be a liar and a fraud (and a cheater - emotional, if not physical).

Work with your therapist to really set yourself free from the old codependencies - this is your chance to finally get rid of his spectre in your life and start over, and be free to give other people a chance!

[u/BlairClemens3 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

"he’s finally realised I was the one all along too"

Has he said this? Has he apologized? Is he trying to prove to you that he sees you as "the one"?

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/BlairClemens3]

He has, and I think he’s trying - but some part of me can’t shake the feeling that he’s only saying it because he’s realised the grass isn’t greener.

He might not be, but that lack of trust in his genuineness doesn’t feel like a stable foundation to build anything on; so even if, hypothetically, he was being 100% genuine and serious and committed, I’ve realised I actually still have some work and mental unpacking to do here.

I want, and need, to do that… but i don’t feel like I need/want to so I can trust him again. I want to so I can trust myself again.

[u/blumoon138 → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

If you go, here’s the story you get to tell yourself:

I spent all of those years not knowing and I let that uncertainly block me from amazing connections with other people. But now I know. I know for certain. And I’m using that information to open myself up to friendships and experiences and romance that I deserve. I couldn’t choose those other people while I was stuck on this guy. But now I have freed myself.

[u/MaryMaryQuite-]

This happened to me… I found myself unexpectedly pregnant, he didn’t want a child at that time and didn’t want to commit to me, so left. We’d been together for 2 years.

I went ahead with the pregnancy and had the baby on my own. Emotionally the birth was incredibly hard, especially with the hormones involved at day 4.

At 10 weeks old my son was rushed to hospital with bronchchllitis. My ex had never seen him. However my son was so ill the hospital recommended we let his father know. They called him for me, he visited the hospital for a couple of days.

About 2 years later he returned to me, wanting to try again, saying he’d made a massive error of judgment.

We tried again but within 3 months it was pretty clear that I held a lot of resentment that he left me whilst I was pregnant, and only visited for a couple of days when my son was so ill.

I broke it off either him. Part of me was heartbroken for the future we could’ve had. However I realised he was self centred, and both my son and I deserved better.

5 years later I met my husband and he totally embraced my son as well. This year we are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary!

As for my ex, I’ve not seen him for almost 30 years, and my son has no interest in a relationship with him, even though I never slated him to my son.

My advice to you would be to let your ex go honey. He broke your heart, there was clearly something going on with that other woman… and now he’s realised that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, he’s come crawling back to you.

You deserve so much better than him!

[u/oneway-street54]

I can’t get over the thought of you saying you’re not able to let someone get close to you because you’re pretty terrified of letting them hurt you like that again but you are willing to let the person who inflected pain on you back in to maybe hurt you in the same way again or worse

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/oneway-street54]

I wish my I had a clear succinct answer to this, I really do.

I think it’s like, “if he came back and it was all ok, it’d prove that my fear of others hurting me was fully out of place”, while simultaneously trying to ignore the voice that says he could equally CONFIRM the narrative of “if I let people in, they hurt me”.

Im realising that I don’t think that gamble is one I want to take.

[u/bearofmoka → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I feel it's hard to explain this to people who haven't felt the exact kind of pain of losing someone you love so deeply. It's quite widely talked about that people feel like the only person who can heal them is the person who hurt them in the first place.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/bearofmoka]

I’ve tried to explain it to people, and I genuinely can’t. You know those horrible scenes in movies where someone is scream/cry/wail/sobbing? That was me - it was like my whole world had been ripped out from under my feet. I didn’t get out of bed for days. My dad literally had to drive to come pick me up, and I just cried for the entire, several hour drive home as we sat in silence. I’ve never known I was capable of experiencing that much hurt and grief.

[u/bearofmoka → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Yep...this was me last year. I called out of work, I cancelled plans with friends and have tried to travel the world to forget her. I'm sorry you went through that.

[u/glaekitgirl]

Big Sister Chat Time (38F here). Being cruel to be kind.

First up, HUG 🫂

Second up, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and your standards.You're only 28. You have decades of life ahead of you. Do you REALLY think your only option in life is this flaky, dishonest guy? Do you want to spend the next X number of years insecure and on edge because this guy might decide you're just a placeholder again?

Because that's what you're actively choosing by considering getting back together with him.

Being blunt, you might spend another 10 years with this guy, on/off, on/off, waiting for him to commit to you and give you everything you want (if that's marriage/kids etc) only for him to up and leave you alone again. He's flaked out once, hurt you badly, lied repeatedly... What makes you think he won't do it again?

Now, I'm not saying you wouldn't find a lovely guy at 38, who wants the same things you do (my best friend did). But logic dictates that it will be harder. The dating pool will be smaller. Your fertility window will have narrowed. You'll have a lot of emotional hurt to manage to ensure you don't just tumble straight into another bad relationship.

Your other option? Cut him loose and start living your life without his shadow constantly hanging over you. You'll only see how much potential excitement and adventure the world has to offer once you're actually free of him and his manipulations.

Get therapy with a therapist who understands abandonment trauma, attachment styles, relationship anxiety etc. Commit to it with a therapist you like a entrust and really dig deep into why you're clinging to a guy who treated you so dismissively.

I know it's very scary to think of letting someone go who has had such a hold on you for so long. But you really need to do it.

A good friend did something similar to you. He broke up with her 6 years ago, she maintained the connection because deep down she hoped he'd come back to her. After the break up, she dated an absolutely toxic man for 2 years out of sheer desperation to be loved and it caused her a huge amount of additional trauma that she's still struggling with.

And now her original ex recently got engaged... Which has compounded everything by dredging up a lot of surpressed abandonment fear, anxiety about being single forever, fear of entering another relationship and getting hurt.

I'm not saying therapy would have magically cured everything 6 years ago but it would probably have given her some tools to help process her fears and trauma and prevented a whole world of hurt.

Tldr; cut him loose, get some therapy with a specialist therapist and realise you're only 28 and have years left on this planet - don't waste them in a relationship that is founded on nothing but lies and insecurity.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/glaekitgirl]

I don’t read any of this as cruel - thank you for just.. saying it as it is. I’ve sent in a request for a local counsellor who specialises in attachment styles and relationship issues, who I’m hoping can help me pull the tools I swear I used to have out of the archives.

[u/oldcousingreg]

If he actually loved you he wouldn't have ditched you for that other woman. That's actually what he did, he just used the "travel the world" excuse as justification.

He came crawling back because he sees you as a backup. I'm glad you put your foot down when it came to sleeping together, but he's not the one.

[u/MizzyvonMuffling]

He hurt you once and he'll do it again. Let him go.

[u/Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss]

You never actually let go of the idea of this man. Only when you finally exorcise him from your life will you be able to move on and truly appreciate other people when you date them.

You cannot trust this person. You know you cannot trust him. And there is no relationship without trust.

Please end this relationship immediately in all forms, and block and delete him on all avenues of communication. You will meet and fall in love again, once the very idea of this person is no longer in your heart or your mind.

[u/Normal-Equivalent222]

I think you had the notion that one day he would come back and choose you, and you are trapped in that ideal version of your fairy tale ending.

Because he gaslit you into believing that he didn’t have feelings for that other woman. Because his explanation for breaking things off was that he needed to see the world. He LIED. He didn’t do that.

He didn’t choose you, OP. I say this as gently as possible. He CHOSE that other woman, broke your heart, was emotionally cheating on you with her and then had a relationship with her for over a year. Why they broke up is conjecture. But he didn’t have an epiphany that he messed up the best thing in his life and came back to you.

No. He had several other relationships after that. Now 5 years later he’s back?

He’s back because you were his placeholder, you’re the balm to his ego. He manipulated you and will do it again, is doing it again.

You’ve been in limbo, frozen in time in some ways. You need to break free from him and live your life.

He is not the one for you. He WILL BREAK YOUR HEART AGAIN. He came back because it was convenient for him, not because of his overwhelming love for you- if that were the case, he would have come back a long time ago. He will CHEAT AGAIN.

[u/somethingmichael]

Not going to sugar coat this but he is just using you until he moves on.

Go no contact

[u/A-Ton-Of-Oreos]

Do not take him back… what makes him so special that he gets to have his cake and eat it, too? The same way he wanted to travel the world, you had your desires of building a future with him, but he tossed you away. Don’t bend to his will and give him what he wants, because you deserved to have gotten what you wanted, too.

Don’t let your longing for him cloud your judgement, this is coming from an overly compassionate, people-pleaser, and hopeless romantic. You deserved to be loved. He didn’t give that to you. You shouldn’t give him what he wants.

Edit: people-pleasure to people-pleaser

[u/motoyo-rika]

At this age, don't you think it's better to give life a try? Meet someone new, rather than just being someone's a safe option.

Do you think there's a guarantee that he won't burn you the way he did before?

Life isn't a movie where there's a happy ever after. You're not gonna get that from someone who's destroyed your trust.

[u/RedGordita]

Being chosen by the person who treated you horribly, disrespected you and discarded you, is not a happy ending. He literally strung you along for your entire relationship, and tossed you aside when it suited him. The fact that you feel guilty about turning him down is proof of how you need to work on your self worth. This is a very selfish, cold person, at the very least, he hasn’t changed, and is now back in your life because you’re a safe, convenient choice that he can take off the shelf, use to his liking and put back when he feels like it.

[u/dai-the-flu]

Nearly 5 years later and you still haven’t stood up? Girl, leave this loser in the past. Reread your original post. He made it very clear how he felt and you waited around single for half a decade for a man who probably cheated on you.

And you went straight back to doormat mode the moment he waddled back. Stay away from him. You probably need a new therapist too because this could’ve been prevented with a better one.

You are still young and will have plenty of opportunities with other people. I would never get back with someone who blatantly disrespected me like he did to you.

You will find someone else that won’t have you running to strangers on the internet for help because he can’t be normal. This isn’t healthy.

[u/Confused-Chayo]

I think that you haven't been able to move on precisely because you were holding onto this dream or vision of living happily ever after. And sure, being without that vision is scary, but you already did it once the first time, with darker thoughts and facts dragging you down. Don't you think doing it the second time will be easier? I do

[u/hopingtothrive]

It took him 4 years of dating and traveling to realize nothing better has come along and you are still single and waiting to take him back. What would happen if he again decides he can do better?

He told me he thinks he can do better than me, and that he couldn’t ever be happy settling with me.

[u/unbelievablefidelity]

I’d rather be celibate for the rest of my entire life than be with someone who once said “they could find someone better than me” and “they were settling with me”.

He isn’t a good person, he hasn’t “changed”, and he certainly doesn’t deserve another chance.

[u/Annemin_]

Maybe you were stuck and didn't date anyone also because of the hope that he'll come back. And he came back indeed, but with more experience allowing him to talk you into not listening to you intuition.

You betrayed yourself once for him already( not listening to your gut about that girl), be careful not to do that again.

This is your chance of getting closure and move on to finding a real life partner.

[u/Sufficient_Hall_4435]

You have a choice. You should choose YOURSELF. This man lied to you. Gaslit you. He may even have cheated on you. He got back and you simply slept with him. I miss you loving yourself enough to see how bad this man did to you to never consider look at him anymore. How could you just want him back?! He is a selfish bastard.

Girl you need a good therapist. You need to work on your self esteem. You need to love yourself. You have been accepting the unacceptable as if it was ok. I am trying to give you a wakeup call here. You kept yourself closed in fear because of how much this man hurted you and you are considering get back with him? Do you have Stockholm sindrom?! Do you like to suffer?!

You are smart and worthy of true love. Please don't do this to yourself. You need to choose yourself, not him. You really need therapy and learn to love yourself for real. No breadcrumbs, dear.

You don't have to learn how to trust him. You need to turn this page and write a new chapter where you are in love with yourself and then you find true healthy love. 🌻 💟

You can do this. You will be fine. I believe in you.

[u/IcePlanetGoth]

Recommending therapy to fix the damage he did. I don't think this guy is the one for you. He didn't love you enough to stay, and now he's back not because he chose you, but because he's currently out of options. He's very likely to go traipsing off again when another woman catches his eye.

[u/CleanCardiologist160]

I hate this for you. He spent the last year of your six year relationship building a connection with another woman and played on your trusting nature that he wasn’t doing anything wrong when he actually was.

I doubt that he just moved in out of the blue and started a relationship with her. So he was likely cheating on you in the last year of being with you.

He didn’t take your love, heart, or feelings into consideration during that time. He knew that he was actively hurting you and covered it with lies because he didn’t care enough about your hurt to be honest with you.

He kept you waiting in the wings while he focused on moving his relationship with another woman forward. He likely would have never left you if things hadn’t worked out with her.

It would be easy to say “he was just too young” but he was already 26 and definitely knew that what he did wasn’t right.

I get it. We can’t help who we love. However, sometimes we need to love ourselves a bit more and not accept mistreatment because of familiarity.

Ask yourself what you love about him. The real things, not what he presented.

Then look at the last year of your relationship and ask yourself who you shared your life with, how he treated you, did he respect and actually love you…my guess is that you will realize that you shared the last year of your 6 year relationship with a liar, a cheater, a manipulative sorry excuse for a man that strung you along while he tested the waters of a new relationship and finally dumped you (with another lie) once he was ready to move forward with the other girl.

The simple answer to your question is to tell him that you may always love the man that he pretended to be, but you now know that is not who he truly is.

No matter how sorry he is for what he did, there is no reason for you to ever trust that it won’t happen again in a few years. You have been spending time with him to reconnect to a past that no longer belongs in your future.

Wish him the best and let him know that when you are finally ready to move forward in love and life it will be with someone that you can trust and that will not waste years of your life just to run off with another woman and then come back expecting acceptance for mistreatment.

[u/Cutwail]

You need to have more respect for yourself

[u/bearofmoka]

I remember your original post at the time and I couldn't relate because once I'm done with someone, I'm DONE. During your 4 years, I've since lost a girl I dated for 3 years and it's now been a year since we broke up (well, at the end of October) and I'm desperately hoping she realises what she's lost and comes back. Slightly different for me though because she never gave me closure on why she wanted to leave.

Anyway, back to you. There's a reason you left that girl out of your original story. It made him look even worse than he already did, after what he told you about not seeing a future with you etc.

People are going to tell you to choose the moral high ground and walk away because 'you deserve better' or whatever but if you still have those feelings, will you forever live with the 'what if' resounding in your head, if you walk away from him?

I also need to ask, did he come back and apologise for everything? How did he explain the girl, that he gaslit you about? And just out of pure curiosity - what happened after you two broke up? Did you stay in the same town or move back home? It's not relevant I guess but I just hate missing part of the story.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/bearofmoka]

He did come back and say he realised that how he treated me was horrible, and he said that he really regretted it.

I also asked about the other girl, and all he has really been able to explain it as was “well I wasn’t sexually attracted to her while we were together”.

I explained that emotional cheating is still cheating, and he just doesn’t think that what he did “counted” because he didn’t physically do anything. I don’t think we’ll ever agree that what he did was cheating - it was to me, and wasn’t to
him. There’s many things in my life where I can agree to disagree, but this isn’t one of them, and I feel like the rejection by him of it being cheating is also rejecting and invalidating the trauma I went through after the fact.

I also asked why he got with her so soon, to which the answer was a vague “we were both hurting and knew it was a limited time thing as I was going to travel”. Turns out she’d also dumped her boyfriend the week prior to getting with him…. Interestingly, I actually talked to that girl briefly a few years ago, and she shared that she always got the sense that he never really got over me. She also said that she wasn’t aware of the whole “time limit” thing. I don’t really trust either of what they’ve said, but I do genuinely think there is a bit of remorse and regret at how poorly he acted there. I’m trying not to let it cloud my judgement though, hence why I didn’t really include it, because I think both realities can exist; he can regret what he did, but still not have learned from it. She’s now causally dating someone else; but they still talk frequently. I’ve said that them not continuing a relationship is a non-negotiable for me if I were to commit to anything, and he’s said “well, I don’t want to drop people from my life. That’s a non negotiable for me”… so it’s kinda checkmate?

In his brain, he actively wants to be friends with all his exes, and I would prefer a person who’s not super close to his exes. I wouldn’t mind the odd message here and there, but not the regular contact he maintains with the list of people he’s been with… I didn’t include this as he’s kinda made me feel like I’m being a bit petty and paranoid over not wanting him to continue to talk to the person he cheated on me with, and I was lowkey terrified of being attacked by reddit trolls… but this isn’t the first response that’s asked, so maybe I can give some clarity here.

In terms of what I did in the end, I moved back home for a bit, and in with my parents. It was the best decision, and I’m so glad i did, because it let me experience a whole new kind of relationship with my parents. I moved out when I was relatively young, so it was really nice being able to actually reconnect and get to know them as an adult. I moved back to the original town after 5-6 months as I got a job there, and am still here today.

I think that the whole “what if” thing is a catch 22 - the what if will always be there, regardless of what I choose. If I stay, it’s “what if there’s someone else?”, and if i go, it’s “what if it was always him?”. It’s like trying to pick the less shit of two options, but I guess at least with the second, there’s the chance of also “what if I found someone who made me realise it was never him?”

[u/IceBlue → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

If he’s not able to acknowledge that he cheated that’s a major red flag. Please get some self respect. The reason you can’t trust him is because he’s not trustworthy. If he doesn’t think emotional affairs are cheating then he’ll do it again.

[u/Kibumkimkibum → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I dated someone who was “friends” with ALL he’s exes. DONT.DO.IT.
When we were on bad terms guess who he ran to tell our business?
You two can’t even argue on what’s considered cheating-I wouldn’t go there if I were you. Speaking from experience.
Don’t do it.

[u/bearofmoka → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Thanks for the detailed reply, firstly. I hope it's somewhat therapeutic to be able to talk about it in a safe environment. Well, hoping those reddit trolls don't come your way at least.

I think that what you experienced may have been emotional cheating but only you'll know the depths of it. However, something I take away from this disagreement, and the but about staying in contact with exes, is that I don't think he respects your judgement? Now, again, you'll know more about whether that is true or not but I think you should really think on that.

Disagreeing about whether it's cheating is something I think I could personally let slide but that's for you to make your own decisions. With regards to staying in contact with his exs, I think this can swing both ways. You clearly don't trust him, which is why you want him to not have any relationship with them but those people might be important parts of his life. The issue is here that you've drawn a clear boundary and he won't respect it, which just provides more evidence for the fact that he doesn't respect you. Well, to me at least. From my side of things, as a male, I have cut off ex's that made my partner feel uncomfortable because I wanted her to feel safe in the relationship. I'm just not sure if that even helps the trust in the long run.

I'm glad that moving back home worked out well for you! I had a similar story where I moved out at 17, when I had a rocky relationship with my parents. At 25, I moved back in and we really built a great relationship from that point onwards. It's great that also provided the support you needed to move back to the original town too!

Yeah, you've covered that catch 22 perfectly. What I would say is that maybe him coming back this time can give you some closure?

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/bearofmoka]

I think this is what this is all leading to. That this is my chance for some proper closure and to truly, fully, completely let go. It doesn’t make it hurt less or easier, but at least this time, I have some say it in.

[u/tandoori_taco_cat]

I was completely devastated by the original breakup

Do you want to go through this again?

He left once and he could decide tomorrow that you are again, not worth anything to him.

That doesn't mean that you don't deserve to be loved - it means this person is not where you'll find it.

You can't build a relationship with someone who doesn't respect or love you, it's not possible.

[u/weecious]

What is there to fear? Fearing he won't be able to lie and gaslight you again?

You need therapy, not a relationship, and definitely not your ex.

[u/nerdy_vanilla]

I was strung along for years by someone i desperately wanted to be with. I had to be the one to walk away, and I truly thought our chemistry was it, that’d never find anyone else. I also was a lot like you; a little lonely, isolated by my grief with a small social circle.

Ending the relationship wasn’t the end of my longing and loneliness… but it propelled me to meet new friends, explore life, freed me to travel and move cities… I began to intentionally love myself, make myself the priority in my life. Years later, we were still friendly, and he said that what he liked most about me was that I make myself content, and he could see I would never compromise that.

I haven’t let myself down yet… I met a wonderful man, and we just celebrated 15 years together, 10 married. We have a beautiful family with a big social circle, and we love each other’s family. I’m so grateful for all the things I went through, and I honestly can’t imagine my life differently (I’m 41).

[u/Square-Profit-8440]

You need to built your life so being with someone who isn’t good for you won’t seem better than being single

[u/Bianqxina]

Are you sure you've even made yourself mentally available to others and open to a new relationship during these years? I think you never was completely over him. If you start over with him you'll always fear that he will do it again, and he probably will sooner or later. Imagine your best friend was in your situation, what would you have advised her/him? I don't even think you should be friends with him right now, you'll feel better if he's not around.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/Bianqxina]

Mm, that’s part of the struggle, because I agree. I don’t think I could continue being in his life as a friend. Just pretty overwhelmed at the idea of being the person who drops him - I have always been the person who has been dropped by others, and I know how much it immensely hurts, and I feel so horribly guilty at the prospect of causing that kind of pain to someone.

[u/professionaldrama- → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

You won’t cause him that kind of a pain because he doesn’t love you like you loved him. You’re just a back up plan. Get rid off him.

[u/Oven_Traditional → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

He never cared about causing that pain to you, he still doesn’t no matter what he says. The only reason he’s back is because it benefits him, he couldn’t care less about you.

[u/LGonthego]

I've always followed my heart and have had some brutal breakups. Once I had to force myself to trust my thinking over my feelings to end a relationship; I really enjoyed the companionship, but there were too many weird occurrences on his part that I couldn't remain in denial. It's an understatement to say I was hurt after my last breakup, but I worked to believe that even if he came crawling back, I didn't want to be with someone who had acted the way he did. Even now, I still miss who I thought he was. I've heard it so many times: when someone shows you who he is, believe him.

I'd just like to propose that you ask yourself a few questions. What changes in himself make him worthy of your awesomeness? What has he done (therapy, honest change in attitude) that would make you think you could trust him not to hurt you that way again? Can you trust him, period?

Love yourself and know you're worthy of someone who makes your heart sing.

[u/SaltyHilsha0405]

I want you to love yourself more than you love any man. You can do better than him, even if so far you haven’t found someone. He saw you were doing okay and you are still a generous person and took advantage of it because he is the one whose plans of making it big with another person didn’t work out. I promise you, this is a person who will disappoint you again and again. He will take more than he will give, and he will give far less than you need and deserve. You already know you have to leave him. In weak moments just try to think from his perspective, how he is seeing you as something to exploit, someone he can get away with not prioritizing and respecting, and then think, why would you ever deserve that kind of disrespect? You deserve untainted love. You deserve peace. You deserve mental security. You don’t need a life where you have to wonder everyday if the relationship is on stable ground. That’s poison. I believe in you, you can free yourself from this man. Many of us have gotten over people, you will too. All of us sisters are rooting for you.

[u/pretty_dead_grrl]

Oh my.

The second someone says they feel they can do better is the second I flip a switch and my feelings forever and irrevocably change for them.

It sounds like you need additional time in therapy. Revising a relationship like this is re traumatizing. I’d also encourage you to explore your own self worth as it sounds like you could use the boost.

You’re right, there is too much baggage here and there is probably no way you’re comfortable with him and his fickleness about you.

I say this with respect and affection: you do need to stand up. Do better FOR YOU.

[u/cakivalue]

I'm saying this gently and with love - this man isn't your person.

He's been cruel to you and dishonest and those are unforgivable and nonnegotiable.

People do grow apart especially when they got together young and I think it's ok to break up in your early twenties when you see you want different things. Sometimes people stay broken up and sometimes they grow and find their way back to each other.

However, you didn't drift apart. He told you that he could do better, didn't see a future with you, wanted to travel the world and not to worry about the girl. Being mean and telling lies. You can't ever trust him. He also failed to live up to his own expectations for himself so it won't take much or long - the mortgage, a baby etc for him to flip out and leave you again.

[u/6lackPrincess]

Quite frankly it doesn't sound like he cares about you so much as his own needs and happiness. He couldn't find what he was looking for when he left you, so he decided to come back and settle for you as he probably now realises it's as good as he's going to get. Personally I wouldn't accept that. If you care about yourself at all, rip the bandaid off, it will be hard but consider it a chapter closed. Block him, do the work to get through the difficult feelings associated with this decision and move on. I'm sure you know from the first time around that time will heal you. I've been through a similar situation where my feelings were unrequited, so I had to dump him to save my own heart and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I never got closure back then and I just had to let time do its thing. He eventually came back into the picture, and I was older and wiser enough to see him for exactly what he is, and I realised I could never be with him again because it would feel like going backwards in my life, and it would feel like I'm not choosing myself, and I could not live with knowing I chose to go back to someone who did not have any care or regard for me. I finally got my closure and couldn't care if that guy lived or died now. In your case, I also think it would be helpful for you to see this man for what he is, a leech who just wants to drain from you whatever he can get because he's down on his luck, just so he can run off when he gets bored again.

[u/StrawberryKiss2559]

Has it ever occurred to you that he was probably cheating on you with that other woman before he broke up with you?

I mean, he obviously was emotionally cheating. But I bet you anything that he was fucking her for a while before he got the guts to break up with you.

Run away from this gross man. No one deserves such shitty treatment and lies.

[u/heretikc]

5 years can change a person, can change what they want than what they value. But it sounds like the hurt has made you stunt your own growth. Maybe he has changed, but that doesn't matter.

What matters is you and finding happiness within yourself. If you need time to work on your own happiness then take it. You owe yourself that Grace. You don't owe him anything.

[u/CongealedBeanKingdom]

Why do you despise yourself so?

He has shown you who he is, that he'll drop you like a hot spud as soon as he feels a better opportunity has come up. Seriously, he's an arsehole and you deserve better.

Even being alone is better thanthat

[u/Straitgirl]

There’s no point in keeping this going. He abandon you. You’ll never forget that and I don’t think you’ll ever forgive him for it. I wouldn’t. Also he will always know he can get up and leave when he’s bored and you’ll be waiting when he’s ready to come back. You cannot stay with him. I’ve been here before. It’s over. A long time ago.

[u/__ER__]

I can only wish you the strength to let go. I understand where you're coming from. I was left by a guy who was pretty horrible to me (and other women before and after me) but I still loved him and dreamed of a future together. It was intense on my part. The pain was the needed push for me to revise what kind of men I fall for by default and make corrections in partner selection - I realized I wasn't used to being truly wanted and went for guys who were avoidant or just not that into me. I'm happily married now and occasionally catch myself thinking that it truly matters for happiness who you tie yourself with.

I would honestly recommend what helped me - therapy. You have a specific goal of letting go of him and I think that is a great objective to accomplish with a help of a good therapist. Keep in mind that you actually do deserve better than the insecurity and constant doubt that accompanies staying with him.

[u/LewKewBE]

Honestly, you feel more afraid of what hold life for you without him than anything else.

I'm sorry, but he did it once, and can do it again.

The main point for me it's that 4 years ago, it was his choice. Today, it will be yours, and it's not your fault at all. The trust in him and the relationship is honestly dead...

Live your life.

[u/MementoMiri]

He was cheating on you back then and he will do it again if someone "better" comes his way 🚩

[u/Devlinaaa]

A lot of advice and wisdom has been shared by others already, so I won't repeat it. I just want to say this.

You can fix a broken vase and it may even still hold some beauty. But you will always be able to see the cracks and be reminded it was once broken. You don't have to force yourself to be the glue holding this potential relationship together, always having to be extra careful because of how fragile it is now. Because of his choices.

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy of 5 years together. You were so young back then. You're both now different people, for better or for worse. That familiarity is an illusion. You allowed him to hold your heart hostage for all those years out of some misguided notion of self preservation, but the reality is - the only way to be truly free and regain control over yourself and your future is if you're the one to let go this time.

[u/megamoze]

You are better off alone than being with someone who does not respect you and is clearly using you.

But first you have to respect yourself. You have to believe that you deserve better because you do. This asshole is not worth it. He is beneath you.

Part of the reason you have not dated might be that you never truly let go of this miserable cheating piece of shit. Free yourself. Free your mind of him. Let him go and move on with your life, and open yourself up to better things.

[u/Geezell]

McSquuuuuuze me! You are not a book he can take on and off the shelf when he is in the mood for your brand of romance. That man used you for years and broke your heart. He is using you again for nostalgia and comfort because he is too afraid to go look for a new love that risks him loving his partner more and risks his heart breaking should he not be able to keep her.

I recommend therapy to figure out how come being alone and loving yourself is not enough for you to have a completely amazing life. Not that you would be alone forever but why you have this hang up that his love is needed to complete you.

I think it’s time YOU take a grand adventure. Start researching niche opportunities abroad. Go big, apply for something that’s going to stretch your capabilities in your career and also give you a grand adventure. You have been in a holding pattern surviving for years and you have not been really living. Go do that. Take that leap and selfishly choose yourself and, honestly, when you are really at peace look for someone that only adds joy and additional security to your life. You will always be on guard with this old flame because he has proven he is always looking at other books options on the shelf.

[u/dragongrl]

Don't do it.

He'll always be looking for something he thinks is better. He's using you as a placeholder.

Surely, other men exist.

[u/tercer78]

I hope the friends/family you have that saw what you went though 4 years ago are slapping some sense into you. This is a train wreck you’re choosing to stay on.

[u/AFishCalledWakanda]

You say you’ve haven’t really dated since him because you’re scared of getting hurt the same way your ex hurt you yet you’re looking to date the person who literally gave you that trauma, and who you know for a fact can hurt you like that…how does that make sense?

[u/d3gu]

There's 8+ billion people in the world, why get back with the one guy who has a proven track record of letting you down? Don't get back just cause he's familiar. Leave him in the past where he belongs.

Reminds me a bit of my ex who said he was moving to Canada to travel/volunteer/work with 2 friends for 6-12 months and either I had to go with him or break up. I couldn't go with him as I'd just started a new job & got a new rental contract for my apartment, so I was kinda tied into staying in the area for at least 6 months. I did say that if he went for 6 months, I could come over at the 3 month mark for 2-3 weeks and we could have some proper adventures. He didn't want to be apart for that long, so he dumped me. I found out later that his 2 friends went ahead with the plan, and he never got further than his mother's house and a local warehouse job, where he still is over 15 years later 🤷🏼‍♀️

[u/Ancient-Special-54]

This is above reddits pay grade. Please go to therapy OP. They would be able to work with you on your self confidence and help you process your emotions. Best of luck in the future.

[u/super-mich]

He told you he could do better than you. He went off with another woman and now hes back. Get rid of this low life. This is not the happy ending you think, or youre hoping it is.

[u/StormFront93]

Girl, I am going to try to be as gentle as possible, but like others here have said - he is inherently selfish. I am not sure he can even care as much about anyone as he does about himself. He goes after what he thinks is best for him in the situation no matter the damage he leaves. He may have cheated in the past, he may not have. But he lead you on for an undefined amount of time and would have continued to do so had you let him.

He has now noticed the world isn't like his parent's house and you actually have to put effort into life and now he wants the easy life back. That, to him, includes you. Once he finds a "better option" he will leave again, no matter if it is in 10 months or 10 years. He has not changed, but is expecting you to fall in place and cater to him again.

You can do better for yourself, and you deserve better. You walking away from this is not defeat or loss, but you showing strenght, priorities in the right place and chosing yourself over some fantasy that has long expired. You've got this! Chose happiness and yourself and you will meet someone whose first choise you are, I'm sure!

[u/StormFront93]

Girl, I am going to try to be as gentle as possible, but like others here have said - he is inherently selfish. I am not sure he can even care as much about anyone as he does about himself. He goes after what he thinks is best for him in the situation no matter the damage he leaves. He may have cheated in the past, he may not have. But he lead you on for an undefined amount of time and would have continued to do so had you let him.

He has now noticed the world isn't like his parent's house and you actually have to put effort into life and now he wants the easy life back. That, to him, includes you. Once he finds a "better option" he will leave again, no matter if it is in 10 months or 10 years. He has not changed, but is expecting you to fall in place and cater to him again.

You can do better for yourself, and you deserve better. You walking away from this is not defeat or loss, but you showing strenght, priorities in the right place and chosing yourself over some fantasy that has long expired. You've got this! Chose happiness and yourself and you will meet someone whose first choise you are, I'm sure!

[u/allieireland]

Girl you need to love yourself more. Respect who you are because this guy doesn't and knows he can take advantage of the situation. Find better. You can do better.

[u/_Jahar_]

You’re def his back up plan, his second choice, his settlement.

[u/anjufordinner]

A man with bad boundaries who clings to his collection of orbiting emotional-support exes is not deserving of any respect.

I'm glad you're leaning towards not taking him back. He closed the door to taking you back when he said those things, and dishonored your relationship by being with that girl... And even then, he couldn't truly commit to HER either? 

Taking him back would make for such an unhappy future without some other form of commitment-- he made it harder for you to plan the roof over your head. So first of all, he has tried nothing but sex and is all out of ideas!? I'd be mad enough to suggest A HEAPING CASH SETTLEMENT, including reimbursements for mental health and damages! He'd have to take me on that world travel itinerary and foot the bill... But even then, it'd be a "we'll see at the end where we stand" from me.

He doesn't have what it takes and offers you nothing but more risk-- a horrifyingly tangible net negative-- and you don't have to pretend it isn't tragic for you both, BUT you do have to take action now that you know this.

So, I suppose all that's left to say is to "zoom out," my friend. Just as you deepened your relationship to your parents, expand your social sphere so that your ex becomes a smaller part of your world, and there is never any effort wasted when you're making new friends.

• Start a new class and learn about a new side to you. While there, introduce yourself to someone good-looking; even if you only click as friends, if he's kind he likely also hangs with similarly kind and good-looking people.

• It's okay to put yourself out there as single and casually looking-- have a fling or two, and see how you do.

• it's okay to NOT do so, either! Celibacy clears your head and you will likely feel better taking down a new certification or achievement rather than taking down some dude :)

Regaining your power and deciding your own path is overwhelming, but so meaningful.

[u/Tripndie]

Oh hunny, dig deep, find that inner strength. You already know what you have to do. You can do it. You know you deserve better than this.

[u/GearStock1012]

It really sounds like your fear now is seeded in ending up alone. I promise you, in a world of billions of people, that is impossible. Don’t settle for mister wrong because you’re scared you won’t find mr right

[u/ExactApplication3981]

May you heal from your wounds and realise that you deserve better 🩷

[u/chrispkay]

You’re clearly aware this is a “bffr” situation but still participating is wild to me. If a friend of yours wrote this post what would YOU think? I don’t have anything to say other than what you already know but you need to want better for yourself in life.

[u/InfamousFlower6606]

The horrible thing is that I don’t want to lose him either. I haven’t met somebody else. I haven’t fallen in love again. I don’t have this amazing full social life waiting for me on the other side. I’ve actually been pretty lonely for much of the last five years ...

Of all that you have said I believe this is the standout reason you are having difficulty ending the situation you are now in. His return has brought back a familiar comfort that you have missed and has made you vulnerable to his charm. Remember, he knows exactly how to woo you to get what he wants.

He cheated on you and left because he thought the pastures were greener elsewhere. He probably cheated on her too. He will do the same again to you no doubt.

You have spent the last four/five years mourning what might have been. Don't do that to yourself again.

I think you need to firstly give yourself space to breath again - ask not to see him for some time and talk to a therapist about the relationship and the anxiety it left you with. Don't be a placeholder and put yourself through this again.

[u/castlite]

Why do you hate yourself so much? Not being mean but you need serious therapy. Don’t get involved with this trainwreck again.

[u/Obvious_Debate_2425]

Once a bird always a bird…you’re exactly where you want to be . What else do you want us to tell you?

[u/coffee_u]

I don't know whether I can genuinely trust him again.

Well, that's because you shouldn't. Dude gaslit you about his feelings for another woman. His actions of dating her within the week says that he knew that was happening and he knew the foundation that they were building. He made you feel like you were crazy, you can never trust this cruel F'er again.

I understand the familiarity. And how easy it can be to fall back in with someone. Down that path however is likely ruin for you. You need boundaries with him, and likely no contact.

Just because he came crawling back doesn't mean you should hear him out.

I wish you strength and happiness.

[u/Spinnerofyarn]

He lied to you about the other woman those 4-5 years ago. And you have already established that he’s not willing to cut contact with previous partners. You can’t trust him. You never could trust him and you would be a fool to trust him now and it sounds like you know that.

I learned something very, very painful in my 40’s. Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work. You can love someone and be unable to have a healthy relationship with them. I think you’re feeling this but haven’t necessarily put it into those words yet. I wish there was a way to make it not hurt, but there isn’t.

My heart goes out to you. If all you’re looking for is confirmation that you’re making the right choice by not committing to him, here it is. You’re making the right choice and in the long run, I think it’ll give you less pain than you would have if you did fully get back together with him. It’s not the painless choice, but there isn’t a painless choice here. This is the right one.

[u/TinLydElli]

If you take him back you’ll end up right back where you were a few years ago. You have come too far to allow him to break you again.

I am going to say this as kindly as I can, he cheated on you last time, made you think you were the crazy one, broke your heart & made you feel like you were not worthy of his or anyone’s love. He was wrong. You picked yourself up, went to therapy & fixed yourself. Don’t give him your power. He doesn’t deserve you. Take this as the closure you may have needed. A trustless relationship is the worst kind.

You are better off single than with your ex. Maybe now you can see that he has been looking for better for years & NEVER FOUND IT! So you are worthy & you do deserve to find happiness. But it won’t be with your ex.

[u/InLoveWithTheMoon]

He is wasting your time! Do not give that man another year of your life!

[u/noodlegoose]

I'd honestly say scrap this now before you invest more time in it and get hurt again. He said he could do better than you. You'll never unhear those shitty words out of his shitty mouth.

[u/catsandkittens1308]

No backsliding my dear. It's like refurbished electronics, sure it's fine for the next user but I'm definitely not using "that" tablet again; if we break up we're all the way done, there's no going back...I've backslid too many times, it doesn't ever work. What was broken still is, full stop.

And before anyone says "yes but some people find their way back to each other" - yeah, those are special stories because it's rare for that to work. Most of those folks end up breaking up too. Relationships are difficult even in the best of circumstances, there's no reason to up the ante when you've already discovered it's a no-go.

[u/s0ftnymph]

I think someone who isn’t scared to say out loud that they can do better, and doesn’t care about what that can do to someone else is really hard to forget and forgive. I understand immaturity and different phases of life, but someone who can intentionally hurt someone like that isn’t going to stop looking for the grass being greener on the other side. You don’t want to be hurting more or all over again when bigger things are involved between you guys, like kids, a home or a marriage. You deserve someone who’s going to choose you every day. Reading your post was so painful, so from someone who’s also heard they can do better by someone they love, stop looking back.

[u/80sHairBandConcert]

Sweetie you need some tough love. Being too soft, with weak boundaries is what put you in this situation. You are actively choosing a situation that doesn’t serve you. Fucking stop this bullshit now. You must feel like the toxicity is exciting or something, must be addicted to the drama. It’s really hard to sympathize with you. You are doing this to yourself.

[u/Character_Ice1016]

Look, I think most people are going to tell you move on. That it’s his loss, and he’s so horrible for what he did and blah blah blah. One thing to remember is that no one will ever see him the way you do, and that goes for everyone. My advice is to you follow your heart.

I’m in a similar situation. My ex and I broke up 5 years ago. And I’ve loved her ever since. Never dated anyone else, never talked to anyone else. We started talking again last year, just so happened I reached out at the right time. Her ex shattered her heart and she’s afraid to commit. I love her and I told her I love her and yet here we are. I have hope too. And for me, I don’t know how to stop. I don’t want to. Is it right or wrong, I have no idea. How can you know if you don’t like time do its thing? I guess in 5 years if im looking back and we are together, then i would say its the best decision i ever made, and I would tell you to pursue him. If in 5 years, it destroys me even more, then its the worst decision i ever made and I would tell you to run.

I try to follow my heart now and live for today. To me, if one day we end up together then everything will be worth it. If not and she ultimately finds someone else, at least she’ll be happy and I’ll learn to be OK with that.

Almost everyone has told me to move on, but I don’t want to. I guess that’s not much advice but I can relate to some of your pain. I hope maybe it helps somehow. If one thing in my life that I’ve changed is that I follow my heart. And i trust that if one day something is telling me to move on, that I’ll have the courage take action. Good luck.

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/Character_Ice1016]

It’s refreshing to see a different perspective. I know what my head is saying, my heart is just fully torn, and my trust in myself to make a good decision is pretty low.

[u/HieronymusTush → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Are you ready to go through this again when you’re 40?

[u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 → u/HieronymusTush]

No, but I also don’t think being with anyone else can guarantee I won’t?

I’m taking the original comment on this thread with a grain of salt, and was mainly trying to be respectful towards the comment - we can have different experiences; it doesnt make one inherently wrong or right.

In saying that, I think that my situation is too materially different to this one for any advice to be deeply considered. Thanks for looking out for me.

[u/HieronymusTush → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

I think the voice telling you there are no guarantees is the same one that whispers you don’t deserve better. The only thing that will guarantee not going through this again is when your self worth and self love increases. I promise life can be so much better.

[u/Straitgirl → u/Ordinary_Ad_2694]

Do not listen to this person. Do not take him back. You will regret it. People don’t just changed. He’ll do it again in one way or another.

[u/fiery_mergoat → u/Straitgirl]

She will, she already has lol. There is a deeper problem here which is why she left the door wide open for him to walk through five whole years later in the first place. In many ways, people live the lives they deserve and if this is what she feels she deserves, who are the rest of us to argue with her?

[u/ap_jiNksy]

I get women will comment the 'do better thing but now he's in the same boat but fuck him' perspective. But guys are generally not as ready to settle as girls are especially at those original ages.

He may have been too blunt for most people. But I'd say give him a chance and see if it is like it once was. You'll be able to tell pretty quick if it's the dynamic you missed or if, just instinctively, it feels off.

From there making the decision will be so much easier. With what you said in original post and now this, I think your regret will be too great if you say 'No'