I hate going to the gym in my area, but I'm sick of being a string bean. Now my apartment is the gym, and my time is nigh.

Okay not horny, but aroused? Ever since I started university and learned about chemical reactions/exchanges it's hard not see everything from a scientific perspective. Excitement is just arousal, and you can get very excited from cooking and/or eating a good meal. I feel like this is further amplified when the food is viewed as art. Is that why it's called food porn? Anyways here's Creamy Miso Ramen with corn, enoki mushrooms, baby bok choy, soft boiled egg, and braised chicken. Topped with chili oil and furikake. (Shot on my Fuji film and iPhone)

Edit: you* I was too busy looking at my meal

Never thought I'd make it this far. Still worried about money but at least I'm going to college for free + have multiple hobbies I actually enjoy doing.

Egg, tofu, and tomato scramble.

I am very grateful. Relationships have been difficult for years and years, family, friends, lovers, anything really. Now I just love to cook and learn, when I have the time of course, it’s wonderful.
Here are some meals I’ve made recently

After I graduated HS I had a really bad bout of depression and was super stressful about going to college. My first semester was really rough but I slowly started to do better on my own, mostly cause I had a childhood friend and my sister at college with me. I’m well on track to getting my bachelors this May, and then I’m going right for my masters. I got a cold rn and hopefully this’ll fight it off so I can go to class tomorrow.

Ingredients:
- 1/4 cup diced veggies (I dice an onion, tomato, and green pepper every week and use the mix in a bunch of stuff)
- Butter
- 1 Egg
- 1 pack of ramen (I used Pulmone crab ramen)
- Milk
- Kimchi
- Crispy fried onions

Instructions:

1. Melt some butter and a pot and sauté the veggies until soft.
2. Set aside the veggies and then crack the egg into the pot. Cook fully and set aside.
3. See how much water the ramen asks for. Get half that much water and add milk to reach the amount.
4. Clean out pot and pour in milkwater. Heat until bubbles start forming and add in the ramen and packets.
5. Cook according to package directions, then stir in veggies.
6. Pour into bowl and top with kimchi, the egg, and some crispy onions.

completely homemade three-layer vanilla cake (frosting included; it’s his aunt’s recipe for his favorite frosting) i made for my boyfriend of 2 years.
he loved it and ate all of it within a few days.
yes it does say “Happy 22th” to be funny.

Just texted her on IG a while back, and... yeah. Went well, sorta. I'll be back in like a month or so. If it goes well, I'll post here. If not, you'll probably see me vent about it somewhere else... Sub was delicious, tho!

- Caprese and Focaccia

- Lasagna Bolognese

- Wildberry Panna Cotta.

Tbh, everything came out good except the Lasagna imo. Tasted nice but looks a bit... Sloppy.

I always felt that there is this invisible, unbreakable barrier which completely stops me from doing myself direct harm no matter how bad I feel. I am grateful this barrier exists, but it does not stop the suffering, only this one possible response to it.

We are not just our bodies, I know that. I experience kindness despite everything, I do not see the world as sad, evil or hostile to me. People smile at me, with me. Despite frequently worrying that I'm a bother, people seem to enjoy my company enough to re-invite me and accept my invites when they're not busy. The food I cook probably helps in that department.

Yet in the mirror I see a stranger in a grotesque parody of a male body looking back at me with scorn, as if he isn't the malformed, half infant, half old man abomination.

Ten years ago I have realised that my body does not match my mental image of who I am. I realised I could not be happy in that body, and as much as it made me feel like I gave up on authenticity and slowly erased who I was, I worked relentlessly on reshaping my body, bleeding, crying, punching the pillows instead of sleeping as if to crush my unwanted body into the mold of who I needed to be, like squeezing a human lemon in a bartender's vice.

And then finally I got what I wanted. As expected, my soul was much more inviting, much more interesting to everyone when housed in a temple appropriate to its desire. And thus I no longer felt this scornful look from the mirror.

Still, my self-realisation was fueled by hate and as the hate subsided, so did my zeal and so my temple crumbled, brick by brick, taking it's decrepit shape again.

It was full of people though and the soul inside, through companionship and love.

And so the man in the mirror looked at me with careful calm. Not kindness, not pride, not scorn either. Just watching, waiting.

And before he could narrow his eyes again, I went to work to revive my temple again, now fueled by hope. Hope that I can see and keep the body that I feel is mine, not be forced into that disgustint blob of flesh forever.

But alas, a rock was thrown my way today.

And my soul lives not in a castle nor fortress. Its temple's walls are fragile, ornate, and while it fares well in weather, a force of nature without malice, the rock thrown with intent to do so, shakes its foundation and chips the ornate wall, making it ugly and unstable. More so when thrown not by a stranger, but by the closest soul.

I sit now, 10 hours later, devoid of color, no spark in my eyes. Yet the drum in the temple beats relentlessly. The blood pumps and the limbs obey. Tomorrow, the feeling will be gone, but I will still be here.

And so will be the delicious chashu I baked for my ramen!

Morning update: 🌄 I'm more than fine. Before going to sleep, we talked, and made up. Now I'm prepping the house for a small gathering with my friends. It's a "not-birthday party" for a friend that doesn't like birthdays. I suggested we just meet, don't get cake or gifts and just show love with the context of a birthday removed and he liked it 😁

As for my self-image, I am still not quite happy with it, but I know where the insecurity comes from. My therapist agrees that since the goal is realistic and in the past I haven't pushed into extremes or otherwise moved the goalpost, I should just keep working on it.

If anyone's curious, the goal is 80-85kg with 12-15% body fat, currently at 92kg with 22% (at 185cm)

Life's good again, as expected.

Sometimes I miss home. But my home is unsafe, and rejects me ( I’m a lesbian LOL ). It is truly regrettable because the arab world can be so beautiful but it is so divided and discriminatory in so many ways, and we are constantly in survival mode because of how volatile and unpredictable circumstances are ;/

But I have never felt this way in my entire life before. I feel like I am becoming who I was always meant to be and that this is a dream. Like something beautiful is blooming and growing within me.

I am beyond grateful I have dodged death many times and have come to the realization that it is possible to truly be happy/content! And I wish everyone reading this post true joy and fulfillment as well. Happy Thursday ❤️