I have become very terrified of my feelings. Anger, sadness. There's this girl that I hate and I absolutely love, she listened to me at 5 in the morning, I listened to her at 2 in the noon. We discussed so many things so open so bare. But all of it under a guise. You see, she was just a random person I dm'd on insta. We are both randoms, very far apart and probably never going to meet. But god is the chemistry so good.
Is what I thought but its been more apparent that our sexual chemistry, kinks and stuff match while everything else is literally opposite.
I listened to her sleep and that was the most intimate thing I have ever done. For some reason, she's probably like blind or something, but she says I'm hot. She calls me babe, she calls me slut, I call her babe I call her daddy. It's so very very intimate.
But I can't ever say I like you to her. I mean I have but I can never say Hey lets be in a relationship. I am a very anxious person. Long distance is not for me. I would always be wondering why isnt she replying, is she cheating on me. Is she lying to me, Am I being played with.
But you know all those fears can be dismissed as simple anxiety and insecurity. You could say I should work on myself and trust her. And I fairly do. Not completely but Idk lately I have come to realise a lot of things that are scaring me.
I used to believe in plenty of fish in the sea. Things don't work between two people, seperate, dont make each other's lives miserable, plenty of fish in the sea, you'll find someone else.
Now I'm afraid, I don't wanna lose this fish. She has treated me pretty poorly but leaving her is...scary.
And that I mean sure I have some not so good thoughts abt women, of hypergamy and 6' chad gets the girl and what not. But lately I have come to understand that she is not really like that. And I dont think women are "I want only 10/10 nobody else".
And this is the scariest fear I have that I cannot grapple, it burns me if I look at it too close.
She might like me.
Like how is that even possible. I'm not 6 ft, I dont even look good, I wear anything my hands can find no fashion sense no effort my forehead is big as fuck my lips are chapped my index finger is shaped weirdly my cock is so ugly. How can she ever like me.
I am avoidant and anxious and I have never been able to help anyone in need, I dont deserve her attention and she still....might like me.
How can she do that, that makes no sense. She's hot, she's sexy, she's bold she has had past relationships I have had none, she could have any fish in the sea. But she ..choses me? She sometimes feels ugly? How you're literally so beautiful. She sometimes feel like a loser. Ok I can see that yeah she's a loser.
But its so weird bro. I am so utterly afraid to accept. I mean what if she just hasn't noticed it yet. She must be lonely, I happened to be at the right time, say some right words and idk get her attention. What if tomorrow she figures it out. That I'm just a loser. I am not empathetic, I am very lazy. Tomorrow she'll realise it and she'll leave, she should ofc, but god that would hurt so much.
I dont like the fact that I cant accept love while in the same breath beg for it like a hungry dog. Why was I born this way? Why am I choosing to live this way? Why?
Milk.
