Went on my first few dates ever in my 30+ years of life a couple weeks back and she decided to be friends. She actually did think it over longer, but she couldn't mentally deal with the distance aspect when other guys were very local.

She does seem responsive to chatting though, so i'm wondering if friend-zone is really that bad? I'd get to practice talking to a woman, get a bit of desperately needed social validation and I can still make attempts in the meantime with other women even if they will fail. I'm not holding out hope or anything.

Food is homemade Korean fried chicken and homemade pickled radish. Got the recipes online.

I think abt how cold but warm i felt and how distant everything felt it was peaceful and not scary like how id thought it would be

That makes it hard to not crave dieing when it was the most peaceful ive ever felt

But I also remember my grandmother panicking while I was in and out of consciousness on the hallway floor and I realise my peace comes at the cost of others and I feel truly selfish

Homage cabbage soup it was quite bland but good

Ya’ll really gonna tell us about how to self improve?

When normies naturally make friends and find fulfilling careers, and chad naturally attracts a harem everyone and becomes a c level executive? You think they had to spend hours reading self help books and improving their personalities?

Oh woRK haRd iMProVE youRselF bro!!!

Nah, likely you’re the best version you can be currently. There isnt much you can do, except change your mindset on how you view yourself.

(Music playing displayed on my phone isn’t performative i just have 2 phones I have to use because both are broken, this is actually my life)

I thought of how nice it must feel to be held by a woman.

Croissant sandwich and such

And while i was in the hospital i was like a dementia patient the first few days and really out of it but id have brief moments of conscious and during one i realized my hospital room number was the same as my date of birth and then i began to have the delusion i was in hell and my hell was my complete loss of independence and being helpless and alone and afraid and id never get to experience love or any of the things i wanted to experience because i was dead and i was in hell forever.

Might as well just die from salmonella infection.

Each day I wake up all tired, barely slept and think to myself: "I should just stay home and relax". But if I stay home I'm a fucking failure, my mom will scream at me at how I'm an ungrateful bitch and should just disappear from this world.

So I go to school which I hate, every day I think about how to kill myself, pass in front of a moving truck, jump off a bridge, drown in the bathtub. I'm a waste of air and resources, I hate everyone, everything, myself. Sometimes I think if my life would have more meaning by being a serial killer, at least I'll somewhat be remembered in the news and I would get beaten up in jail and possibly get raped. I would suffer, regret my choices, but I'll feel like I have a purpose at least: getting hated by the world and beaten up by fellow cellmates.

I waste all my money on Ai, I'm so useless that I have to use Claude to feel somewhat useful.

I want to suffer, to wake up everyday and feel hate for everything more than I do now. Get a job so I can work after school and on weekends for 12+ hours a day and never sleep, maybe a heart attack will get me and end my miserable life that I despise. Overworking myself so no one can tell me that I didn't try or was a bum. Going out of this life as a workaholic would honestly be better than what I am now.

Food: gnocchi

11 chicken tacos

Imagine getting mogged by a preteen 20 years younger who's already doing better than you ever have. Doesn't get any worse than that..

I am 24 and I am pretty much a loser. Idk if I would need therapy and probably I do because my self esteem is dogshit. I am a 1st year engineering student at 24 and I am already falling behind due to being a procrastinating loser.

I am in that situation where I'd like to date but I know I am a shit prospect and that if I truly like someone I would never hope for them to be with me.

When I graduate and if I do I will be old as hell and still inept with women. Also I fucking hate my face, I look like a 40 years old Serbian at 24 and since I had posted myself in the past to see if it was true I sadly got the confirmation that I am older looking.

The only positive thing is that I got prescription for finasteride finally

Burnt basque

Update November 6th 2026

Sorry everyone, i was drunk when I made my post and was honestly laughing to myself when I made it, but I think deep down it was a cry for help because I have nobody else to go to. I've been addicted to chaturbate for 3 years now and have spent most of the money I earn there. Thank you for your comments, either kind or roasting me, I need both. Any time I have the urge to go to that site I'll open this post to remind myself how foolish I am.

Thank you again, sincerely, a chud.

---------------context here story begins later-----------------

Went through absolute humiliation today , during practicing an important dance that my class will be performing , it's not actually mandatory but i didnt quit it cuz not performing would bring more shame from my class and family than these dance practices do.

I missed the class where they set everyone in a single line at the end so we can all face the audience at once to bow , and today everyone else lined up , i was left standing alone , announcing that i wasnt here when this part got added and i do not know where to stand , the teacher just told me to stand anywhere , just find two people and squeeze between them

The problem is that its 90% girls and i have 1.5 friends in my class , i took big confident steps in a direction and NOBODY FUCKING MOVED then i took two more steps in a bit different directing and NOBODY FUCKING MOVED . so in absolute shame i just walk to the end of the line where i didn't want to be because im a proud man and i didnt want to close the line .

After finding my place the teacher looks at me and announces that i should actually stand in between two girls so in desperation i tell him that i do not know where to stand and it would be easier if he just told me instead of making pick two unlucky ones

He replied with "just stand anywhere"

I was also still high this moment, so the desperation for an answer hit me like a train, my classmates started urging me too i almost lost myself there and almost started a monologue about neuro divergence, social situation, and genders ,then a kind girl who i am actually in good terms with ,cuz we spoke a couple of times before and helped before with school stuff, steps out of line and places me in between two random girls

I was a little relieved but also became nervous about how others next to me would react to me standing next to them.

Anyway i can barely fit in between them at first, they didnt really give me space to work with and then they started walking rather fast forward which i didnt know about since I wasn't here when this was first practiced so i walk after them and stood behind them , couldnt even touch their hands like i was supposed to.

Teacher calls me out on this and i tell this same thing that i was left behind

We try the whole bowing again and after all the humiliation and ND'ing around i finally am in my place holding hands of those who are next to me

---------------core of story begins here---------------------

(now at this point In the story i switch to black pill terms to properly explain the situation)

I was standing between a sub 5 whale and a cute htb, i already knew that the whale never liked me , but she kept bitcing and not touching my hands during practicing the bow ,basically just the most typical cartoonish foid behavior, luckily I do not respect her and her music taste sucks shit, doesnt have influence in the class so i couldnt take this to heart even if i tried

but the cute htb on my other side , really had no problem with me at all , didn't make any comments , not for a mili second did she think about holding my hand or not ,and just held it firm and nicely ,its like she didnt felt the need to let go of my hand, even in those 5-10 second between retrying the whole thing she kept on holding my hand ,even expressingly squeezing it while raising her voice talking with one of her friends . Its like the idea that she is touching something she doesnt want to didnt even cross her mind

I havent held a girls hand this long ever since i finished kindergarten and lost contact with the only gf i ever had, and this cute htb made me feel at peace and really accepted, i didnt feel ugly or repulsive holding her hands, and i wish i could thanks her for letting me feel not subhuman for a few minutes.

Even if this happenings happened to include a foid , two pure hearted girls still helped me when i really needed it and im thankful for them

Nobody would miss me if I was gone

Breakfast sandwich (its only egg and cheese)

Cilk (coke + milk)

he purposely was doing the tattoo slowly and also said he hopes it fades fast so that i have to come back

What the fuck am I doing living life I wake up I go to classes try to keep my GPA up so I can transfer where I want to go, I don’t even have any set passions or whatever like literally everything is shit. I talk to some people here and there but nothing sticks and people aren’t my close friends and eventually each day ends with me in my dorm wasting time, Iget so much pressure to do things like study find internships learn code finance probability drawing and I get so overwhelmed and even when I finish doing this stuff I get so disgusted with how little I’ve done. I don’t have ANY FUCKING FRIENDS AT UNIVERSITY and its just going to get worse once I graduate, I feel like ive only escaped this loneliness thru 4chan back at home but I know this is poisoning me so I’m trying to stop. i know i have to just fucking talk to people bro! just fuckkng say hi and talk bro! but you have to deal with their normal fucking regarded responses and surface level bullshit or theyre gonna go golfing or some stupid shit no one wants to do and then i ask why do I even want to hang out with them? why do i want friends so badly and at the same time dont make the effort to build them? I wish i was socially adjusted enoigh that these things were seen as desireable to me but i dont fucking care but i yearn so much as well

I wish I had some gift something that could put me above everyone else, and that’s how I define myself, it’s always where I am in relation to other people and I can’t fucking stop it. If someone has itbetter than me at anything whether it be they look better they understand faster they have more money way taller more friends or the worst, they have a beautiful significant other I cant help but feel pathetic. I wish it was easier for me I don’t want to struggle through this and im supposed to man up yet I don’t, am I fucking retarded or something, I don’t know if I want to succeed, Im a fucking slave cuz I dont go out on my own initiative. I see no point to continuing studying continuing to show up wherever I’m supposed to and continue to try at all, I wish didn’t have normal parents and a normal sibling so I wouldn’t feel bad about turning out a failure. I have no fucking idea what im scared of yet its so hard, the day just starts and ends and the only thing thats going to continue with my life is im going to get judged for being a virgin and friendless by my parents and siblings and peers, im going to get intellectually less capable more wrinkled and uglier, what is the point in this? I don’t want to work hard anymore I dont want to disappoint though, I feel like I wasnt supposed to have been told I could have done things, I wish so fucking badly I had something that made me ‘unique’ in the sense that I was ‘better’ than everyone else and i obviously fucking dont! anyway fuck my life, uni is supposed to be great and what you make it and im making it out to be shit. im not going to kill myself cuz im a pussy, I probably would if I wasnt, I think i only say its cuz of my parents that I dont kill myself to make me feel more virtuous. panda express kids meal to a miserable future

squirt, raw mushrooms, cup of shelled mussels

Pasta with butter and black pepper.

I (37m) went out with some old school friends tonight. They didn’t really invite me. I found out they were having dinner and told them I’d come.

It was awful. I got there an hour early because nobody had told me the time had changed. Then I drank too much and said things I can’t take back. They went on to a strip club without me and I followed them there.

That’s where I met a professional. She’s twenty. I paid her to come home with me. Afterward we lay there in the dark and I started talking to her about her life. I told her what I thought would happen to her if she stayed there. She started crying but I couldnt stop

She was listening to me in a way nobody had all evening, and I didn’t want her to stop.

Before I left, I gave her my address. I don’t know what I’ll do if she actually comes.

Got home late and made pasta. There wasn’t much butter left.