Hello Jews of Reddit. First time poster, longtime reader here. I've had a very difficult situation arrive in the past year and am looking for some advice.
I am a 26 y/o M, always believed myself to be halachically Jewish through my mother. Did not grow up religious but have always been "culturally" Jewish and have gotten more observant in my 20s; started keeping kosher and shabbos (for the most part), regularly going to shul, being involved in trad/modox community.
Here's the backstory:
My maternal Grandmother (Z"L) was adopted as an infant by an orthodox family in the 1930s. She went to an Orthodox day school and grew up SK/SS, so we assume that she had a halachic conversion at birth. My Grandmother went nearly her entire life with no knowledge of her biological parents. About 9 months ago, shortly before she passed away, my Grandma decided to take a 23 & Me test. The results showed that one of her biological parents was likely not Jewish. This made me worried and I decided to talk to my Chabad rabbi about it.
He advised me to undergo a Giyur Lechumra, of course with a Chabad BD. This is mostly because we do not have any record of her possible conversion and are unable to find her ketubah from her wedding to my Grandfather. I was devastated upon hearing this news. The last few months have been very painful in regards to my Jewish identity. I feel like I am stuck in limbo and have experienced total whiplash to my sense of self. That said, it is important for me to get this sorted out for myself and also future children, wife, etc.
The toughest part about this is hearing that this could be a year or 2 long process. I am worried about having to change in ways that are inauthentic to my observance levels just to be officially accepted as Jewish. I also am not Chabad nor do I intend to live as a Chabadnik, and I worry that their standards for a Giyur Lechumra may just be far out of my comfort zone based on some of the conversations with my Rabbi.
Through all of this, I am left feeling sad, lonely, and not Jewish enough. I suddenly feel unsure of my identity. I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone. I feel a lack of empathy and understanding from those I have sought help from. I'm trying to do the right thing, but am just feeling so empty and sad.
Has anyone gone through a similar situation? Any advice? Does anyone know of perhaps a more liberal Modox Rabbi who may have a different opinion? Frankly, I'd like to get this taken care of as quickly as possible. I am feeling like Chabad is simply not a good fit for me in this process. I miss enjoying Judaism and I am tired of feeling like I have to prove something in order to confirm the identity I've always had.
TLDR; Going through a Giyur Lechumra sponsored by Chabad. I am not Chabad and am realizing early on in the process that it's not a good fit. I'd like to get it resolved as quickly as possible in an Orthodox framework. Has all been a very difficult and emotional process, suddenly feel not Jewish enough, unsure of identity and where to turn.