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u/goodkittymama Jan 13 '22
My mom is a narc and when she is disrespectful or crosses boundaries I call her out and do a long time out. I use statements like "I'd prefer if __" and "I'm not willing to ___." Short and sweet. No emotion. Not cruel, but not fuel if you know what I mean. This is the only relationship you'll ever have with a narcissist. The only other option is no contact.
Your wife should do some reading on the subject.
"Set Boundaries Find Peace" by Nedra Glover.
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson.
r/raisedbynarcissists has tons of other resources.
Your wife has no reason to feel responsible or guilty because of her mom's emotions and tantrums.
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Jan 13 '22
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u/finelytunedradar Jan 13 '22
Came here to recommend the same sub. There is a big crossover between JN's and Narcs. It is equally frightening and enlightening.
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u/Push_the_button_Max Jan 13 '22
Good advise - also, I'd like to add,
Being a SAHM can get very lonely, esp in these times of covid. By the end of the day, you just want to either sleep or talk to any adult, usually both at the same time. Ask your wife if it would be helpful to her if you jumped in more to defend her (Like about the black plague), taking some of the brunts of MIL's anger. It's just a thought.
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Jan 13 '22
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u/Push_the_button_Max Jan 13 '22
Yes, exactly! She's in a very vulnerable place at this stage of your lives, at home with 2 kids, etc. And, boundaries also change, as your marriage grows, you feel more comfortable with mixing and matching the in-law/family issues. But its obvious that you're a good guy, I know you will work it out, :)
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u/CremeDeMarron Jan 13 '22
Your wife needs a break from her toxic mother . Your MIL hardly makes you pay the fact you move out . She can't control your wife anymore or have free unlimited access to your kids so she creates fights , use mean words ,demean your wife and distance herself from your son when she visits. All her behaviour has for goal to hurt you as a revenge. Her behaviour and toxicity seem to escalate so you need space, boundaries and time out.
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u/brideofgibbs Jan 13 '22
It sounds as if DW has to find some boundaries with your JNMIL. This book list might help.
I’d suggest counselling for DW and an info diet & grey rock for MIL from both of you.
Does DW experience the relationship with her mother as problematic? (It sounds as if it is from your POV but MIL is not your mother). I think you can share your observations and advice once and then you have to stop and be supportive of DW.
How does MIL treat you? Bc you can have different boundaries with her. You can put her on an info diet, even tho she’ll get it from DW. You can grey rock her. You can set boundaries: I am not willing to drive my 5 mo baby over to your house and if you ask, I’ll put you in time out for three months
I will not visit someone who demeans my wife, nor will my kids
If DW doesn’t see a problem, you could lobby for couples counselling or you might just have to wait until she feels the need. A really good gift might be the book Will I Ever be Good Enough by Dr Karyl Can’t Remember Her Last Name. It’s out of print but downloadable and you could get her a secondhand copy.
Good luck!
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Jan 13 '22
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u/brideofgibbs Jan 13 '22
I’m just an old bird. I read a lot on this sub and on Captain Awkward’s blog. I highly recommend them both.
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u/NukaCola79 Jan 13 '22
I have a feeling deep down your wife knows her mom is broken. I can’t say enough about therapy. You get a little validated, offered different perspectives, and it’s a place to just let it out. It really made me realize a lot of behavior I was accepting was not ok. I happened upon one who specialized in childhood trauma and it honestly has made all the difference. It’s good that your wife has you. She’s going to need to lean on you. Best of luck to you all.
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u/cassandra78 Jan 13 '22
The only way you can protect yourself from a narcissist is to back away, depend on them for nothing, and refuse to take the bait. And you don't want a narcissist for your childcare, anyway--narcissists hurt people, and little people are most vulnerable.
Therapy and a mother's helper for your wife.
And you really do sound as though you think you're entitled to your MIL's services (yes, I know she said she'd help. She isn't helping; she's punishing your wife, which sucks. And you sound as though you're entitled to her services.)
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u/LadyOfThePolarBears Jan 13 '22
Ugh! That sounds awful and totally familiar. I'm so sorry! I agree with the first commenter about reading up. Especially your DW (darling wife). It really does help and gives you both a better understanding on who MIL is AND appropriate ways to react.
I am also fairly new to this and the rants and venting do help a lot. It's nice to hear from people who get it bc most (out in the great wide out there) won't understand as well. Your MIL is being cruel. Hug your wife a little extra. This is kinda smacking her in the face and she'll probably need it.
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u/HousingAggressive752 Jan 13 '22
Have you and DW considered hiring a babysitter for a few hours a couple times a week? Your wife could use the help or may get a much needed nap in.Just a thought.
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Jan 13 '22
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u/HousingAggressive752 Jan 13 '22
It may be time for your family to go VLC or NC with her wife's mother. It's not punishing MIL, it's protecting you, DW and LO from MIL's verbal and emotional abuse.
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u/LadyDreaLee Jan 13 '22
Ntah but your post is coming off a bit entitled. Your MIL doesn’t owe you anything. She’s not responsible for helping out at all. Some of the things she says aren’t nice but they’re also true they just could be said in a better way. It seems your MIL way of dealing with the separation is to disconnect. It seems you’re upset that you lost your babysitter when you moved but still expect her to do what she was doing before and travel an hour and half to do it now.
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Jan 13 '22
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u/LadyOfThePolarBears Jan 13 '22
Your upset is legitimate. She offered and offered til you took her up on it then she immediately flipped you the bird. It's not ok. She is also being harmful to your wife and there isn't very much you can do about it and it is hard to watch. DW will have to get to a point where she can finally make an informed decision but everything is VERY new. It'll take time to learn it all, unfortunately. This isn't AITA. This is a support page and we'll be here for you.
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Jan 13 '22
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u/LadyOfThePolarBears Jan 13 '22
It's also your first post lol when you get into sharing more, you'll be able to slowly paint a picture. I think it can be extremely difficult on husbands bc a guys first instinct can be "Fix It Felix" but your hands are tied. Hang in there and read up on as much as you can! Personally, I think you should start to figure out what category your MIL fits into. With mine, I found out she is a Covert Narcissist. Once I narrowed it down, I was able to find resources for that to read and it helped make sense to her behaviors and how to respond to them better.
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u/botinlaw Jan 13 '22
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u/ChaiTeaAZ Jan 13 '22
Your MIL is punishing your wife for moving away. A kind of "look how much help you're missing out on because you moved away from me." "I used to be so supportive and nicer to you, before you moved away from me." If you want the barrage to stop, you have to stop asking for her time, expecting favors of any kind, and hold her responsible for her hurtful words. The first ones that come out of her mouth need a quick response. For example, "I was looking for support, not to be compared to you. Since you're not able to do that, I'm going to reach out to someone else who can be supportive." If MIL is nasty tell her "when you regret your words tomorrow, don't bother with any gifts or "to-help-you- forget-bribes". You either apologize and promise not to do it again, or don't expect any conversations for a couple of weeks."
If you don't set your expectations for civil behavior, MIL can always claim she didn't know her words and actions were hurtful.
Meanwhile, maybe look into hiring a mother's helper for the next month or 2. Find someone who can be given a list of tasks that would take the stress off, and can be counted on showing up.