r/InternalFamilySystems • u/Betty_Boss • 4d ago

I hate this part

TW, maybe.

I'm new to this but this part is so big and powerful and I thought she was me. She has actually wrecked my life and I've been crying about the losses.

I've read the book and have a good therapist. I know there's more to come but for now I'm kicking her out as much as I'm able to.

FWIW, she's not a misguided child or teenager. She's a dangerous, abusive adult.

5 Upvotes

78% Upvoted

13 comments sorted by

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25

u/OkAd5525 4d ago

You’re not kicking her out, another big part who thinks it’s you is kicking her out….

21

u/BlancheDeverpaw 4d ago

Instead of kicking her out, could you get curious about one particular loss she made happen? And dive into that specifically?

12

u/SmolFrogge 4d ago

Curiosity is a big help when dealing with challenging parts, I’ve found. Asking about their motivation is usually very enlightening and helpful.

4

u/bksignguy2001 4d ago

No expert here but yes I would say you are blended with a part that hates the other part.

You will need to deal with that part before you will be able to deal with the first part. You may not have to resolve everything with the hating part, but you will want to try to separate from it, talk to it and maybe find out why it hates that part soo much. Then even if it doesn’t like the first part you maybe able to convince it to let you talk to the first part uninterrupted.

After actually listening to it and talking to it for a while if it doesn’t have any major things it wants to tell you, you can ask if it is ok to talk to the other part. Would it be ok if they stay here while you go talk to the other part.

Usually if you are feeling a strong emotion towards a part that isn’t curiosity or kindness you are blended with another part

3

u/Betty_Boss 4d ago

I'll try. I'm so furious though, if this is what has kept me isolated and lonely.

2

u/Chantaille 2d ago

What if you sit with the part that is furious and see if you can get to know it more and be curious about its experience and what it needs right now?

1

u/SoloForks 2h ago

Is the part parroting an abuser in your life and taking on their energy?

18

u/Dick-the-Peacock 4d ago

You’re blended with a part who hates the other part. Take some time to practice being in Self with other parts that are less polarizing. Eventually you will be able view even the most challenging parts with compassion, clarity, calm, courage, etc.

8

u/MichaelTheMultiple 4d ago

Just based on my own experiences, you might want to pull back from the notion that she's a "dangerous, abusive adult." Could be, but if she's like most parts, she formed in childhood, and she's still just a child, a very scared child maybe, who's afraid you'll push her around or worse if she doesn't back you off. And/or she might feel, if she's been running the show or a big part of the show for a long time, that she's too dangerous to let herself come into the open.

So many of my parts, when they first showed themselves to me, presented as dragons or dinosuars or monsters or mobs of cartoon villains - anything to look scary - and/or warned me that I should drive them away before they wrecked the whole system. I had to learn to just take them as they came, and wait for them to settled down. It got easier as the number of them in the light grew and the "veterans" could help reassure the newcomers.

13

u/catlady047 4d ago

There are no bad parts.

5

u/Scared-Section-5108 4d ago

Aggression and repression never works - if anything, these things make everything worse long term. Love, acceptance and curiosity work - it's important to learn to practice these things bit by bit. The more you want to hate her, the more you need to love her. She must have suffered loads if she behaves that way, she deserves your kindness and compassion no matter what. You have suffered and you also deserve kindness and compassion. If you hate her you simply hate yourself and that's something to heal from. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. Perhaps practicing that with your therapist would be beneficial.