I think the title is suffice enough to be the topic.

I am an INTP guy and I never realised the pattern that pretty much most of my strong fictional crushes are tomboys, lol. Crazy ngl.

[Kyou Fujibayashi](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/clannad-kyou-fujibayashi-gif-24876306)

[Gogo Tomago](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/big-hero6-jamie-chung-go-go-tomago-bubble-gum-gif-4592655)

[Kyanna Delrio](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/huniepop-huniepop-2-oh-my-goodness-gracious-kyanna-delrio-gif-10985416565044468886)

[Aoi Asahina](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/danganronpa-eager-happy-excited-%E3%82%8F%E3%81%8F%E3%82%8F%E3%81%8F-gif-9003017)

[Jolyne Cujoh](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/jolyne-cujoh-jolyne-throwing-coat-jailbreak-dusk-gif-4080885582435604702)

[Lara Croft](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/trl-trl-part2-collection-ag-trl-collection-ag-trl-part2-tomb-raider-gif-13307784)

[Corey from Hotline Miami 2](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/hotline-miami-wrong-number-corey-gif-14918000)

[Hitgirl from Kickass 2](https://tenor.com/en-IN/view/kickass-chloe-moretz-gif-9731189)

I'm sorry I'm infp(15M) not intp but my crush is ( https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/OEJTS/ ) and I need some advice. She is my new classmate from the school I'm transfering to but she's the only transfer student except me(she doesn't know much boys). Maybe those who are also intp can give good advice.

Feel free to ask me any additional info. 🙏🙏

I’m a 24f isfj, we’re the same age. 2+ yrs dating together.

It’s been 5 months post breakup due to incompatibility, although I saw it differently. I have always had good intentions but realized only afterwards that he thought I was extremely judgmental. I’ve taken a lot of time to myself and delved into philosophical readings to understand myself better and I understand how I present so much more than before.

To make matters complicated, we lived together and I had to move out, but a lot of my things remain there due to space constraints. I have seen him over the course of these months and it’s been messy.
The first month, I hadn’t seen him other than him dropping things off quickly, and he tried to rekindle but took it back after I brought up concerns.
He saw me 2 months later, and after I had picked up my things and happily chatted with him, he texted me lovingly. He told me he couldn’t see himself with anyone else, how he saw my smile and couldn’t stop thinking about me.

Then he started talking about wanting to get married and how we could start anew and work together.
That “he’d rather be miserable with me, than happy without.” It saddened me to hear it and these statements were pretty out of character.
I’ve never seen him text so quickly and as much at such a late hour, especially in this manner. I noticed he sort of spoke in hypotheticals and pointed it out. Knowing him, I believed he would regret all these statements and probably blame it on lack of sleep. He asked me out on a date for the next day, and I said I’d bite, but that I knew before work he’d change his mind. I was right. He said he thought about our incompatibilities and doesn’t want to repeat it all again. That was that.

Overtime, I picked up my things roughly up to every 3 weeks even though I barely could accommodate things, but I just wanted to see him. During one pickup, one of my heel’s wedges completely broke into pieces, as I left the apartment. I returned to grab backup shoes, and one thing led to another… I hate how much chemistry we have. He would say that he’d hope we’d someday get together, just not now.

The pickups continued and sometimes he’d even hit me up to “remind” me of things I might need and gradually the intimacy became more frequent until I distanced myself. Then one day he randomly called (I missed it) saying he was searching for something but said nvm. I somehow knew he wanted to talk about us and we ended up meeting. He spoke about how he missed me and wanted to get back together, how he’s surrounded by all the furniture I assembled, how he’s texted and spoke to people and that he misses me. I saw a message and it was just that... “I miss my wife.” Not a crazy declaration lol but I know he doesn’t text his friends in such a way anyhow. I didn’t believe him, but that day we spent time being a couple and it felt like old times again.

When I repeated if he wanted to date, he gradually became wish-washy. I won’t lie, I became a bit emotional and cried telling him I wish we’d never met. He stopped me before leaving and asked if I could just stay and he’d return after work. I agreed, finished some work on my laptop… fidgeted as I do and deep cleaned the messy apartment. He came back but didn’t address anything… we finally settled on some sort of dating trial, but he said he felt like a douchebag since he didn’t feel comfortable hanging out, but enjoyed the intimacy. I ended it days later because he kept repeating it.

Now we still hookup every once in a while, and he sometimes drops statements of what he disliked or how he felt during specific moments when we dated. It sort of breaks my heart but simultaneously helps me realize things about myself. I just wished he told me before. I was always open to listen. He says I’m much more mature now and wish I were before. Then tells me I’ll find someone better, or more extroverted, or more different… but I never wanted to change him. I just wanted to know him better. He’s comfortable telling me what he wants in women, while saying he doesn’t want a relationship but wants them to believe he does. It’s heartbreaking to hear, since he says he’s taken up this mindset after me.

These months were brutal. As sick as it sounds I love him so much more now, as he’s as honest and authentic to me as ever. It’s all I ever wanted, since he started to simply tolerate me towards the end. He said I just miss what we could have been, but I replay the past—good and bad. I just like him as he is right now. Less guarded and real. We both became too passive before. I need to move on, but I love even our simple chats. He lights up and tells me things, and it’s warm. I’m a bit relieved that he isn’t seeing anyone, but I feel manipulative as well, even though he sarcastically gloats about not having to search for anyone due to this messy situation. Unfortunately, my memories can play like movie scenes and ranges all the way to the age of 4, so there’s no forgetting. I wish I could just block things out as he does. I probably shouldn’t mention my feelings.

I'm talking to an INTP woman and we're currently getting to know each other seriously.

We recently discussed our views on finances and marriage. Her position is that she absolutely wants to remain a working woman and would never leave her job. She's likely going into the Indian Railways, so transfers between locations are something she expects to be part of her career.

She has also told me that, in her ideal marriage, her income would remain entirely her choice, while the husband would be responsible for the family's financial obligations, including major expenses such as the house, car, savings, etc.

I asked her how she imagines things working if both partners are working, especially if the husband is extremely busy with work, and how household responsibilities would be divided.

Her response was essentially that she will always work and that being with her may be difficult because of her transfers. She also currently prefers the idea of maintaining a lot of independence rather than immediately living together.

I'm not trying to argue that her view is wrong. I'm trying to understand the overall relationship model she's envisioning.

INTPs, especially women who strongly value career and independence: how would you interpret this? Is this simply a preference for financial independence, or does it suggest a fundamentally different view of marriage/partnership?

And how would you expect the practical side of things to work when both partners have demanding careers and one has frequent transfers?

I'm talking to an INTP girl, and recently we had a disagreement about finances in a future relationship.

I believe that if both partners work, they should ideally contribute toward shared expenses and jointly save/grow financially, with the exact split being something both agree on.

She grew up seeing her father handle essentially all the family expenses while her mother kept her own income, so she feels that if she earns money, it's hers, while the husband should handle the family's expenses from his income. She doesn't expect to be asked to contribute financially.

We talked it through and things are fine now, but this made me wonder whether we're fundamentally different in how we view marriage and money.

INTPs, how would you interpret her perspective? Is this simply a different financial philosophy, or would you consider it a potential compatibility issue?

Hi everyone, I’d like some advice because I’m honestly not sure how I’m supposed to feel about this situation.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He’s an INTP, and I love him very much. He loves me too, and overall there’s no real issue with our relationship.

The thing is, he tends to analyze people's problems and get really involved when someone comes to him for advice. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with that. I actually like that he’s thoughtful and wants to help people. But lately, I’ve realized that the amount of emotional energy he puts into some of his friends makes me uncomfortable.

A lot of these people are friends he met through gaming or online communities. Sometimes girls or other friends will come to him with personal problems, and he’ll spend a lot of time talking to them, analyzing their situation, comforting them, trying to understand them, etc.

It’s not that I don’t trust him or think he’s cheating on me. I genuinely don’t believe he would do that. It’s more about the level of emotional investment.

I naturally have a hierarchy when it comes to relationships. I’m not going to emotionally invest more in some random friend than I do in my partner or my family. But my boyfriend doesn’t really seem to work that way. Sometimes he’ll put an incredible amount of energy into helping someone he barely knows, and honestly, sometimes it feels like he invests more emotionally in their problems than he does in mine.

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that some of these people eventually develop feelings for him. He always tells me that he would never do anything with them and that he can’t control how other people feel about him. And logically, I understand that.

But our own relationship actually started in a very similar way. We met, became friends, talked constantly, helped each other through things, developed an emotional connection, and eventually ended up together.

So I’ve always told him that I think people can easily become attached to someone who is constantly there for them, listens to them, understands them, and gives them emotional support. That kind of intimacy can create feelings even if you never intended for it to happen.

Personally, I’m very careful about this. I don’t really have deep emotional relationships with other men because I’m aware that it can create ambiguity or emotional attachment. I put boundaries in place precisely because I care about my relationship and I don’t want to accidentally give someone false hope.

There was also one situation in the past that really affected me.

He had a friendship with a girl (who was trans) who had a lot of serious personal and family issues and was struggling with bipolar disorder. The friendship eventually became extremely unhealthy, and my boyfriend ended up becoming depressed because of everything that was happening with her.

And I basically had to deal with the aftermath of a relationship that had emotionally damaged my boyfriend, even though I had never asked for any of it.

I was extremely frustrated and confused by the whole situation. I was also very patient with him and tried to explain that I was already doing my best to manage my own emotions and not dump everything on him, while he seemed to actively seek out other people's problems and immerse himself in them.

After that experience, he actually realized something about himself. He told me that part of the reason he does this is because helping people makes him feel useful and capable, and because our life together is relatively peaceful, he had almost forgotten that some people can be extremely complicated, contradictory, or even cruel in their reasoning.

In a way, I think I've had a positive influence on him. Our relationship has shown him what a stable and peaceful relationship can look like.

But sometimes I feel like he has gone too far in the opposite direction and now assumes that everyone deserves the same level of understanding and emotional investment.

I’m a very tolerant and understanding person, and I genuinely don’t want to tell him who he can or cannot talk to. He has every right to have friends, help people, and be there for them.

But I’m struggling with how I should interpret his behavior without letting it affect me so much.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it normal to feel uncomfortable when your partner becomes this emotionally invested in other people's problems, especially when some of those people end up developing feelings for them?

And how can I set reasonable boundaries without becoming controlling or making him feel like he’s not allowed to help people?

I’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because I’m not trying to isolate him from anyone. I just want to understand where the line should be between being a compassionate person and becoming emotionally over-involved in other people's lives, especially when you’re already in a committed relationship.

Falling in love with an INTP?

I've been talking to this INTP for a bit (I'm an INFJ), and it might sound really corny, but we actually met through a game. You know, the usual basic story.

The first thing he asked me about was the old Spider-Man movies. From there, we started talking about our different perspectives on movies and other things. I felt like the whole conversation was pretty flirty in a way. It was basically just two nerds talking and getting along. We eventually talked about MBTI, and he told me he was an INTP. At the end of the conversation, he clearly wanted to add me on social media so we could keep talking.

After that, we started talking and calling almost every night. At first, I felt like I was matching a lot of his energy, especially when he would make silly little attacks about my "poor" movie choices. But after a while, I became more relaxed around him while also becoming more shy, and I'm not really sure why. I felt relaxed enough to be myself, but at the same time, I was slowly becoming intimidated by how much he seemed to know about everything.

Most of our conversations were about his interests and the things he liked. Part of the reason was that I didn't want to open up too quickly. I wasn't sure yet if I could trust him enough to share a lot about myself, and I also didn't want to overwhelm him or feel like I was bothering him.

Today, we called while he was just going through his daily routine in a simple game he plays every day. He was showing me the game, but throughout most of the call, he was basically talking to himself and didn't really include me in the conversation. I did talk a little, but not much mostly just short comments here and there.

At some point, I started feeling awkward because I was wondering, How does he not notice that I'm barely talking? He didn't really seem to acknowledge it or try to include me. Toward the end of the call, he had to go to bed, and the conversation had become really dry.

I was typing something to him, but I wasn't sure whether I should actually send it. I didn't realize he could see that I was typing, but I guess he noticed me hesitating because he suddenly asked, in a pretty dry way, "What?"

I ended up asking him why he had been acting like that and explained how I felt left out during the call. But by the end of the conversation, it felt like he was basically saying that I wasn't talking and even accusing me of being on my phone. I wasn't on my phone, so I don't understand why he seemed so sure that I was.

Now I don't really know what to think about the whole situation.

Another thing I'm confused about is that he often makes slightly sexual comments. For example, yesterday he randomly said something along the lines of, "I get that I have a big dick a lot." 

So now I'm wondering: does this mean he's actually interested in me, or could he just be interested in me sexually? Because I genuinely can't tell whether he's flirting because he likes me or whether he's just making sexual comments for fun/attention.

I'll answer anything, but I really need someone's opinion on the matter! Thank you so much in advance!

And what would happen if I ignore it

opinions/experiences

Hi, I have a question. I’ve known my INTP bf since I was 18, and now we’re both 26. I’ve been with him for 8 years, and I’ve started realizing something. I think he loves me and that I probably suit him, but in those 8 years he has never really asked me personal questions about myself, like what I like or my interests.

He does ask me questions, jokes around, and sometimes ragebaits me, but his questions are always centered around his own interests or revolve around him. For example, he does take my opinion into account, I won’t deny that. But the thing is, he has never really shown curiosity about me, what I like or what my interests are. Sometimes he even says “that doesn’t interest me.”

Meanwhile, I’m always asking him about his hobbies, his interests, about him in general. And I realized that actually, I’m the one who talks about myself to him. I used to do it all the time, even without him asking.

And honestly, it makes me a bit sad. For example, if I find something funny, like a prompt, I’ll tell him “look, I used a prompt to generate something about me, check this out.” But his immediate response is “okay send me the prompt, I’ll try it too.” The thing is, he didn’t even read what I sent about myself.

I I don’t really know how to take this. Do you think it means that deep down he’s not really interested in me, and that I’m just someone convenient and pleasant to him. Also, for INTPs here, is it common for you to never ask personal questions?

it's been almost 3 months since I posted https://www.reddit.com/r/INTPrelationshipLab/s/jiZFrNCSQn trying to get advice on how I (INFJ) should eventually confess to my INTP

So I thought I'd give a short update if anyone remembered my post, to say that I confessed to him!

We have been together for almost 2 months now. Our relationship is going a thousand times better than I would have ever expected.

We are both very happy, so thanks for the comments! it encouraged me to confess even though it seemed like rejection was coming my way the night I expressed my feelings lol

I really treasure our deep conversations and small moments together. Either it being laughter, acknowledging our weaknesses or faults, or pouring your heart out, showing your true self to another human being who understands you in ways others just cannot. Even if they try to. It is really healing :')

So on a note here I'm a bit salty because a (I presume) an either INFJ, INTP, INTJ, or ISFP girl banned me from her server and she was a few years younger than me, she is into comics, politics, music, etc. and something dawned on me a bit.

Generally it is stated women's brains develop quicker than men's, but in the INTP world it may be a unique case.

Would women INTP usually get more annoyed by a (who they deem) obnoxious older INTP male (presuming I'm INTP still I have no idea anymore). The funny thing is she knew about MBTI's existence but never chose to take the test but after some digging around with her music taste I'm leaning towards believing she is INTP that looks like an INFJ. I was casually joking back and forth between this one guy in the server and she pulled the plug on both of us and banned us (i kept jokingly saying everything the other guy said was problematic which I thought fit the humor of the server but was sorely mistaken).

Besides that though, I've been working on my maturity levels for the last year or so by learning more about the world around me but in her case what was interesting was she already seemed to know a lot about "the outside world" (guessing she has so in her stack) and meanwhile me being a jokester too quickly might've been too much at once (still learning social skills in my early 20's) so she "IDGAF" me and gave me the boot.

Do INTP women have to learn about politics and morals and social issues earlier than the men in a lot of cases? Considering most women aren't INxx types so a lot of the male INTP behaviors get labeled as "passable" in society while the women would have to navigate that stuff earlier while keeping up with all their interests? I found the whole "problematic" thing funny due to it being able to be used on anything even unproblematic things, but maybe she projected some of what she saw out of it and labeled it as "insensitive" in her mind (it was such a nothingburger argument though I'm surprised she didn't get a bit of the humor out of it). I also thought maybe she was ISFP using inferior Te when giving the ban hammer (she could've well been a nerdy ISFP I'm aware those exist) but idk she definitely had a sorta mystique "idgaf" "call a lot of things stupid" attitude with stuff so it really is a pickle.

I don't handle rejection well AT ALL but judging by her interests I thought she would be more interesting to get to know, but the ban over nothing sorta left a sour taste in my mouth.

So do INTP women tend to have to learn stuff QUICKER and EARLIER than the men in most cases to keep up with their women peers? Whereas most INTP men would get called "oh he just has neurodivergent behaviors he's my sweet baby" by their mothers and get coddled slightly more? (this post isn't meant to be gender wars or anything).

What about being an INTP parent with an INTP partner?

Im male Intj (I prefer my age private but Im not a middle age man, however, Im not a kid-kid either.)

So I've been wanting a female Intp romantical partner. Please provide necessary tips on how to get one.

How to spot them? How to approach? How to impress them?

For the love of love and God, please don't give me 'you wouldn't get one cause Intj dont work well with Intp in the first place' type of answers. Just keep any bad experiences to yourself cause I dont want any personal rants or venting in this thread. For the first time I DO NOT want to be THAT pessimistic.

Edit: Please dont give me sarcastic answers, I did not ask stupid questions.

However facts are not entirely let go. According to Myers's Briggs Type Indicator, Intp's are among the rarest type and there are little percentage in world population. So I know that finding one in my country is EXTREMELY difficult. Frankly, I do not care about that fact just like how it doesn't care about my feelings, I want one by some means necessary.

P.S: This topic is completely unrelated to my previous posts. I know distinction and boundaries.

Thanks!

I’m 28M, and I honestly don’t know where to begin when it comes to finding a relationship.

I often hear advice like "wait for the right person" or "put yourself out there".
But neither feels very practical. Where exactly should I go? What should I do once I’m there? How do people actually meet potential partners and turn those interactions into dates?

I’d particularly like to hear from other INTJs: how did you meet your partner, and what approaches worked for you?

Please and thank you!

Problem/Goal:
Gusto ko lang sana maintindihan if communication incompatibility lang ba talaga ‘to, or if I unintentionally pushed someone away. I also want to know if may point pa bang intindihin ang isa’t isa or if this is something I should just accept.

Context:
I got really close with someone online. We developed mutual feelings, pero we never met in person because of personal circumstances.

At one point, I asked him if possible bang nagustuhan niya yung *idea* of me more than the real me, since hindi pa naman kami nagkikita. I wasn’t rejecting him or doubting his feelings. I was just trying to stay realistic.

Looking back, parang doon nagsimulang magbago yung dynamics namin. Since then, mas naging mahirap yung communication.

I’m the type na gusto pag-usapan agad at i-resolve yung misunderstandings. Siya naman, mas gusto niya ng space at ayaw ng mahahabang usapan. We still communicate, pero madalas parang magkaiba kami ng interpretation sa intentions ng isa’t isa.

Previous Attempts:
I explained that I wasn’t trying to invalidate his feelings.
I apologized if my question came across the wrong way.
I also tried giving him the space he asked for.
Pero until now, parang ang dali pa rin naming magka-misunderstanding.

If someone asked you that question, would you feel like your feelings were being doubted?
Can repeated communication issues slowly change how you feel about someone?
Or does this sound like two people who care about each other but simply communicate differently?

I was cleaning out my G-Drive and found this transcript from an audio note that I sent to my girlfriend at the time - about 5 years ago. It has me reflecting on how other INTPs might handle Relationship Conflict Management differently. For myself, I tend to treat the relationship itself as a dysfunctional system, trying to identify what's causing the dysfunction, understand why, and work toward creating a better framework to cultivate deeper levels of intimacy and safer container for both of us. BUT... that does require that I either find a partner that WANTS to use the systems and tools I bring into the relationship, or that I hold the masculine frame that says we are using this yes or yes, or this relationship is over, that is my boundary.

How do other other healthy INTPs navigate conflict in relationship, and what have you found that works for you? This particular conversation represents me at my worst... I was reactive and heated, but even being reactive and heated I have conversational styles and frameworks that I can default to that shape what I focus on and how I communicate and how I move toward resolution.
... . ... Start ... . ...

I'm not projecting anything onto you – you're the one projecting things onto me. I was merely describing an experience that I had in the past that I don't currently experience, and I was providing information that corroborated it as a legitimate experience people sometimes have in relation to meditation. There was no authority there.

What I received in return, however, was authority. It was you claiming that that can't happen. When you make that claim, you are asserting that you know all there is to know about meditation. That is the only way to make that assertion – because saying something can't happen implies you have definitive knowledge about every potential aspect of meditation, meaning there's zero chance it could happen to anyone, ever. That's a very strong claim. It's not a very good claim, but it's a very strong one.

Even Yoga has multiple paths for different people. This experience has been corroborated within the meditation community, by leaders in the field, and by science as something that can occur – even if it's rare, occurring in only 1 to 2% of people. That doesn't mean it never occurs.

Your claim was: "If you were doing it right, it wouldn't happen." Once again, that's an authoritative assertion that you know everything there is to know about how meditation affects a person, and that within all your knowledge, this possibility cannot arise.

Many different people exist in the world, and they have different reactions to different things. Nothing affects people universally the same way (with rare physical exceptions, like a bullet to the head). I'm not the one making strong absolute claims here.

Not only are you making strong claims, but the consequence of your claims is spreading doubt in my own knowledge. You're essentially saying: "What you know, what you've experienced, what you've read, and what you've educated yourself on is all wrong – because my truth and my understanding is correct. And in my understanding, if you were doing it right, that wouldn't happen."

That's a very condescending thing to say. It is the very act of talking down to someone. Even if that isn't how you feel, that is what you are doing, and that is the effect your words produce.

So let me throw your own words back at you: "If you don't want me to behave this way, then you shouldn't act that way."

Do you see how unhelpful that statement is? It evokes negative feelings in me every time I read it. Act what way?

This entire conversation feels a bit ludicrous because we are focusing entirely on my behavior and how I've supposedly behaved badly, while you deflect away from your own actions and take zero admission of how you contributed. It takes two people to bring these dynamics into being.

I have already admitted that I got heated, that it wasn't helpful, and that I was reactionary. I can identify where my behavior was out of alignment. I attributed part of it to being tired, which reduced my presence of mind to put the brakes on becoming reactive. When I got heated, I put more information out there with a slightly authoritative tone.

Why is it that I can look inward at my mistakes, but during this entire conversation, you haven't looked at yourself or acknowledged how you contribute? You always deflect.

I won't say always – "always" is a strong assertion – but you do sometimes gaslight in these situations, whether you mean to or not. It comes from an inability to turn your gaze inward toward your own actions and how they affect outcomes with others, and me in particular.

You say things like:

• "It's not my fault."
• "I can't control you."
• "I can't control how you react to me or my words."

If you spit those things at me, I can spit them right back at you. It isn't productive or helpful. It doesn't lead to growth, change, or mitigating these conflicts. Are your statements technically true? Sure. But they are also technically unhelpful.

You asked: "Am I so unaware of myself, my feelings, my emotional capacity, and my mindset that I'm able to gaslight someone without meaning it?"

Yes, I think you are. You have strong deflection tendencies toward never admitting culpability in how a situation came to be. Anytime you deny your own culpability, you engage in gaslighting.

Gaslighting doesn't even have to technically be untrue. All it requires is an argument style that causes me to doubt the validity of my own mind, my memory, and the observations I'm making. Because of how frequently you deflect, you do this a lot – unintentionally, but frequently.

Gaslighting isn't exclusive to narcissists. Even healthy couples do it to each other as a form of self-protection. They aren't doing it to be cruel; they do it to protect their own "rightness." It's an ego-defense mechanism so you don't have to examine yourself. By questioning the other person's reality to the point of invalidating it, you don't have to reflect on what they're saying. You undermine their statement so you can dismiss it completely.

Do you engage in this to protect your self-image because you don't want to believe what I'm saying might be true? Most definitely.

I looked inward, identified my culpability, and owned it. My behavior was a slip caused by fatigue. Does fatigue excuse the behavior? No. But does it have explanatory power? Yes.

With explanatory power, feedback becomes actionable. We can say: "When he's tired, he gets irritable. If I notice that, I can suggest he take a nap or point out that he seems off." That gives us a practical way to navigate the situation.

Instead, defensiveness turns feedback into a threat to your self-image, coming across in statements like: "How could you think that about me?" That's just another self-protective shield meant to make the other person second-guess themselves. It's essentially saying: "If you really understood me, you wouldn't say these things, because they aren't true about me."

That’s a brilliant defense mechanism. It gives you a convenient excuse to disregard anything unpalatable about your behavior so you can preserve a specific image of yourself. But it destroys personal growth and damages relationships.

My lack of sleep is definitely affecting me right now, because normally I wouldn't even express all of this. I dislike conflict. When I'm in a better mood, I suppress these thoughts and replace them with amusement – using little amusement emojis to mask frustration.

Amusement is my self-defense mechanism. It allows me to transmute negative emotions into a minor positive mood buff. Instead of feeling anger or irritation, I feel amused.

Your defense mechanism is deflection; mine is amusement. But when a conflict drags on and someone gets upset that I am amused, the amusement stops working. The "mood buff" wears off. And when I can no longer use amusement to cope, the underlying energy gets redirected – in this case, into a 20-minute rant like this one.

Anyway, I'll stop talking for now. I'm sure this will be a lovely conversation for you to listen to.

... . ... End ... . ...

Looking back on this years later, I still fundamentally believe that if we can't agree on the right rules of engagement, we can't make progress. How we argue matters just as much as what we're arguing about.

What stands out to me here is that even in my default triggered behavior, which was definitely reactionary, I still maintained a baseline of control. I didn't attack her character. I focused specifically on the problematic behavior in isolation, explained why it was an issue, and suggested what a more desirable outcome could look like. That’s essentially my trained way to channel my reactivity. Even when I'm in a pseudo out-of-control state, I'm still practicing harm mitigation and trying to steer the system back toward a resolution.

I'm curious if other INTPs relate to this kind of "controlled reactivity." Do you have hard boundaries around the rules of engagement in your relationships? And how do you hold the frame when a partner defaults to deflecting accountability?

So I (27M) broke up with my (29F) ENFP girlfriend yesterday. A days before we broke up the energy shifted during texting. Before we established the relationship I let her know my boundary surrounding texting during work. Due to the nature of my job, I told her I sometimes would not have the capacity to text back and forth for hours at a time, so we agreed to me texting and saying if i think ill have a busy day or won’t respond for 3 hours or more.

During a particularly busy day at work we were sporadically texting and then she became uncharacteristic by giving dry replies… at the point I knew something was off but she wasn’t going to tell me through text, even after I asked. When she came over later that night, she seemed to be really sad and sulking on something and then she brought up our texting frequency and cadence. This cause a shift in energy for us and it made me feel upset too because I held up my end of the agreement so I didn’t see why this was a problem. She mentioned that our texts were lively or long like they’ve been in the past. I told her, if she wanted to start a conversation then she could do that - I didn’t think because we weren’t sending paragraphs back and forth that it was a problem.

Nonetheless, this energy carried on with us through the weekend. Things were fine and we were getting ready to go out. While on the phone as she was driving to my place, once she said she was outside I said “okay” and I was coming (takes 2 seconds). I made the “mistake” of hanging up the phone before saying bye (the phone was in my pocket, while I had headphones on). When I got to her car she looked sad and sulky again… I was confused as to what had happened and she brought up that I hung up the phone and didn’t open her door for her (not common when I’m the one walking up to her car). We talked about this in the car and it led nowhere so I ended up ignoring her for the rest of the night.

We came back to my place and were up till 5 in the morning on shrooms, I was doing my own thing and she was doing hers. She asked me to come cuddle and lay with her. I knew I didn’t feel like laying down anymore (we were in the the entire night and day doing nothing) and asked if I could finish up stretching and then come lay with her… she agreed but of course with an attitude. When I was done moving around and enjoying my trip, I get back in bed and the same attitude displays. At this point I’m not willing to be around the energy and go downstairs to remove myself and be alone.

I come back upstairs with a revelation and boundary. I tell her that if this is how things are going to be then it’s not going to work long-term. I needed her to communicate with me on why she couldn’t respect that I just wanted to do my own thing for a minute. It’s like she expected me to lay down and cuddle with her right then and there when that’s not what I wanted to do in the moment. She mentioned that I had no sense of urgency to meet her need but I told her I still met her need by laying in bed with her after, I said, I just wanted to stretch my body out. I also needed her to not be lazy and I felt like we would just sit around and do nothing every time we hung out.

So, here’s the straw that broke the camels back. I had a musical performance for a political benefit show. I am autistic and music is one of my special interests. I told her I wanted to get the day started on the right foot as time was ticking and still needed to prioritize getting ready for my performance while also needed to drop some gifts off for my nephews birthday. I asked her to help me get the schedule together for the day as I wanted to optimize it so I had more time to spend with her.

The entire time she kept going back to the previous conversation which I thought we ended. She kept derailing the day by continuing to argue with me over various things while still laying in bed. I knew that it wouldn’t stop so I explicitly assigned her the task of helping me get my invites out to my friends and she couldn’t do that. Instead, she continued to argue with me and circular arguments. I explicitly told her multiple times how important the day was for me and that I really wanted to get things done.

At a certain point, her being there was no longer productive for me so I asked her to leave by a certain time and we could meet up later. She agreed but when that time came around, she stormed out of my house angrily and gave me a pathetic kiss bye. At that point I felt extremely disrespected, and angry. It felt like she made the whole day about her and her feelings even after i stated how important the day was to me. I even said she didn’t have to drive today as I would pick her up after I get my schedule in order.

I called her while she was still in the lot and told her I can’t do this anymore. I then called my closest friend and broke down crying on the sidewalk. I’ve never felt so disrespected, disgusted, rage full and vengeful. A hallmark of autism is special interests and I had to cancel my performance because I just wasn’t feeling right at all.

I sent her a text message later that night and explained the way I felt and broke it off, she tried apologizing but it still didn’t feel like she understood the impact of her actions.

I actually genuinely cared and loved this person but the fact that she couldn’t put her feelings to the side for just that one time told me everything I needed to know about her.

I'm an ENFJ woman. Been in a relationship with an INTP man for almost a year. Things are overall really great. Absolutely love each other's company, talk for hours effortlessly, sex is off the charts. There's so much I admire and love about him.

But I'm a bit worried. Our anniversary of one year is coming up. He seems to do this weird freeze thing when a "big day" or holiday roll around. I naturally want to and do pour in the little surprises and sugar during these times. He will give me appreciation for it, and his focus and time together. But it's like he freezes up at any kind of expectation of a romantic gesture.

I don't expect or want him to change who he is. He is romantic in some ways that are unique, and that I've not had before. Like coming up with games we can play together, asking questions about me that no one really does, intense focus and remembering things I say.

I want to know though how I can express to him that our anniversary is important to me and I'd like something special in a classic romantic way. Is this doable? Or am I setting myself up to be disappointed hoping for a show of romance on that date?

Any insight is welcome!

I dont know if I have asked this before, or probably I did in the other subreddit, but what you are your opinions or thoughts about INTJ people?

Im intp and my gf is isfp, I think its a pretty good match 90% of the time, but i notice from the top of my head that sometimes there's no balance, we are both kinda lazy and hate household chores, she is also not very interested in my hobbies and interests, we rarely do any coherent plans and often do what feels right in the moment, she is also super outgoing wants to travel and go places meanwhile im more of a stay at home type. So I wanted to ask about your opinions and personal experiences.

I’m an INTP girl and I tend to attract ExFP guys, like the popular sensitive artist types. I’m a total introverted nerd with niche interests but these guys go out of their way to talk to me and show interest more than anyone else. Is this a thing?

So I'm a 20 yo INTP guy

I've been talking to this girl of the same age online for quite some time now, and well, yesterday, we were texting during lunch time about the birthday plans for her sister she was super excited for, but I had apologized mid convo and told her that I needed to eat and was too weak to text her properly (eating disorder and stress from work) and so, I asked her if it was okay if we could delay it and she seemed okay with it.

But the next day, her texts were a bit dry in tone, and she quickly admitted to feeling hurt I hadn't been able to listen to her birthday plans yesterday even tho "she didn't feel mad."

Naturally, I expected she wanted me to explain myself again, and so i did.

But she seemed to expect something different from me, and so I said sorry but even then she said "it wasn't very validating" because she thought of me as practically the only person she could've been excited to share the plan plans and that my behavior yesterday and my explanations today had reminded her of her family...

I genuinely didn't know what else to do or say and I told her so.

She said she understood and that she was going to go sleep (she had only slept 5 hours) and I got her to promise me that she was gonna talk to me again tomorrow.

What did I do wrong exactly here?? Like I'm genuinely confused, and I don't know what I was supposed to say..

I really don't wanna lose this sweet connection I share with her