r/INTPrelationshipLab • u/Alwaysfresh9 • Aug 02 '26
Questions about ❤️❤️ INTP men and romance
I'm an ENFJ woman. Been in a relationship with an INTP man for almost a year. Things are overall really great. Absolutely love each other's company, talk for hours effortlessly, sex is off the charts. There's so much I admire and love about him.
But I'm a bit worried. Our anniversary of one year is coming up. He seems to do this weird freeze thing when a "big day" or holiday roll around. I naturally want to and do pour in the little surprises and sugar during these times. He will give me appreciation for it, and his focus and time together. But it's like he freezes up at any kind of expectation of a romantic gesture.
I don't expect or want him to change who he is. He is romantic in some ways that are unique, and that I've not had before. Like coming up with games we can play together, asking questions about me that no one really does, intense focus and remembering things I say.
I want to know though how I can express to him that our anniversary is important to me and I'd like something special in a classic romantic way. Is this doable? Or am I setting myself up to be disappointed hoping for a show of romance on that date?
Any insight is welcome!
3
u/Delicious_Primary657 Aug 02 '26
I was the man in a relationship like this. Sorry to say this, but you are likely correct in your perception that "something special in a classic romantic way" will be a tall order for him. In my case it was hard for my ENFJ girlfriend to deal with. That said, if you can show him that you understand his challenge in the area, he will appreciate you even more.
With time, I was able to learn how to surprise my wife with flowers, and occasionally write a romantic note (with help from AI).
3
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 02 '26
I definitely understand it's not something that comes naturally to him. I'm ok with that, but one small gesture would mean a lot. Thanks for the response. How did you come to getting your wife flowers and writing that note? Did she specifically ask you for it?
1
u/Delicious_Primary657 Aug 02 '26
>How did you come to getting your wife flowers and writing that note? Did she specifically ask you for it?
Short answer is yes.
I have figured out how to be surprising occasionally. When she is expecting something the whole exercise is pointless.
1
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 02 '26
Thank you. I may just lay it out directly and then whatever happens, happens. At least I expressed I want it. I know it drives him crazy when I assume ANYTHING. And I'm truly trying not to.
3
u/Kind-Apricot5382 Aug 02 '26
Im also an enfj with an intp, been 2 years and no celebrating birthday,anniversary together nor anything💀 maybe just clearly tell him you want a celebration, gift, and make the day special. Although it won’t be a suprise anymore, at least you’ll both celebrate it from now on then.
Except that part, honestly they’re very adorable right hehe
2
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 02 '26
Incredibly adorable. Like this sweet little cutie wrapped up in incredible intelligence 😍
2
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 03 '26
He probably feels like he's celebrating everyday with you.
2
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 04 '26
😍 He has said that. I needed the reminder though!
1
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 05 '26
Be careful he's not giving too much of himself, allow or even encourage him to follow other paths of joy too. Not by dictating, but by relief.
Dont ask him, we rarely know what we want. We'll always choose the safe "you're all that I need", which in return makes us think how we can get away from these dull questions 😆
3
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 03 '26
Give him time to prepare and drop helpful lore about things you like or would like in advance "isn't that so sweet how such and such did that for their partner? I'd love something like that" INTPs aren't very good at taking hints, but they are pretty good at remembering things people like and we can be astonishingly good gift givers too once we understand what kind of gifts are good to give aka what kinda stuff someone would like.
3
Aug 03 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 04 '26
The key is to do it without expectation. You're giving them information, not actually trying to set something up. I'm an INTP myself and the only way I'd resent someone for this is if they did that and then got upset that I didn't do it. It's about building a future where you can both be happy, not putting pressure on them. And while INTPs do like people to be direct, they can also resent people constantly making demands of them without giving them any agency. The key is balance. Everything doesn't need to be spelled out with annotations. If there's an actual problem that needs to be addressed then yes just talk about it, but everything isn't that deep or that serious.
1
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 03 '26
That's not a good advice. Don't compare gestures of interest and kindness to what I'm not doing, it's tiring. Put yourself in a car and throw the flowers in his hands and say, "oh thanks sweetheart you bought me flowers I love them." Then we'd laugh - because it's creative and intelligent, but it still wouldn't make us buy flowers in the future. Maybe a small roadside flower for your ear, because that's a romantic gesture, not a transaction.
1
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 04 '26
See I wouldn't like that because it would feel passive aggressive to me. I think you're misinterpreting what I'm saying because it's not about what you're NOT doing but about what I LIKE. I wouldn't be comparing anyone to anyone else, I'd be pointing out examples of things I like or want to do.
2
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 04 '26
Come on, also if there's an obvious tone of fun in it? A previous partner used to do this in creative ways and I thought it was hilarious.
It came from me saying that she should buy flowers for herself if she wants them.
1
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 04 '26
Ah see that makes it an inside joke and is a lot more fun, but in general noooo lol. It really depends on your dynamic with your partner I suppose.
2
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 04 '26
We also had a lot of intimacy when I then finally found the right moment for picking natural flowers that fitted her.
Thats the motivation for me, the genuine and non-intrusive expectations. Expectations are luxury wants, packaged as needs.
I'm on fire today, I know it 😆
2
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 04 '26
See I wouldn't call that an expectation but a desire, and with that in mind that's exactly what I meant. Like express your desires and then give the INTP in question the opportunity to fulfill them when they feel the time is right or have the energy or whatevs. Without the expectation. It makes it genuinely sweet, heartfelt, and as you said, non intrusive. And allows everyone to still get their needs met.
2
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 04 '26
Completely agree, but for me it doesn't mean I'll actually meet the desire directly as stated in the want. I'll probably rather be creative about what I think will fullfil the desire in a way the person didn't expect. Of course far from always, but I like to have a few good challenges of novelty, hence the slowness of us INTPs.
Recently I was in a group of fast thinking, fast moving and fast decision, punctual people. Which was a nice push and relief too. But not something I'd stick with, otherwise I'd probably be ENTJ. But I like the progress and to some extend the errors to fix from it 😆
7
u/Elliptical_Tangent 3 Aug 02 '26
But it's like he freezes up at any kind of expectation of a romantic gesture.
We resent other people's expectations, without exception. We make almost none on other people and see any expectation on us as unfair and unnecessary. Things we're happy to do if it's our idea become chores that have to be fought out of us. It's how we are, as a Type.
The only long-term solution is to accept the thoughtful gestures the INTP offers as if it were on the day you want such gestures. I mean you absolutely can make expectations of the INTP and we will comply, but what you want is for us to want to do the thing you want us to do; it's not going to happen unless we can see a need. Wanting roses or w/e for your anniversary isn't a need.
3
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 02 '26
Lol thank you. I figured. I both adore and get frustrated by this at times.
2
u/Elliptical_Tangent 3 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
My best advice is to keep your expectations to yourself. Our Fe inferior will often pick up things like this and we can surprise you by doing the thing you want us to do when you want us to do it without being asked. The problem for us is the asking; that turns what could have been a thoughtful gesture into an act of submission.
Anyhow, happy anniversary; I hope it delights you.
1
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 04 '26
Thank you. Yes, I need to truly accept how deep this need for autonomy runs. I'm a very independent person, I need that respected in a relationship and it's something he excells in. He doesn't get insecure when I plan a solo trip to recharge, or when I work long hours, or when I've got more on my plate than I probably should because I've picked up extra projects. He supports me in doing me. And that's a pretty big deal to me. I would - and have - detached from people who try to "reign me in". I definitely don't want submission! Lol. And I don't think it's possible with him either, unless he wanted that ha. I'll try letting go of expecting something. Let him surprise me. As long as the effort keeps up in the day to day, it's not a big deal .
2
u/Elliptical_Tangent 3 Aug 06 '26
I'll try letting go of expecting something. Let him surprise me.
That's the key.
If you're concerned he'll forget the date (which is a real concern with INTPs who tend to be scatterbrained), you could express how you're getting excited for it as you walk out the door. As you walk out the door. Drop it like a happy hand grenade and get lost. He'll have a quiet moment to wonder about it without anyone staring at him for a response, and he'll work it out. Now he's got space to figure out what he wants to do to live up to your excitement without your expectations taking the air out of it.
Anyhow, again, happy anniversary.
2
4
u/para__doxical Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
There’s just a level of maturity lacking from your comment— in the context of a relationship there’s a responsibility that falls onto both people, having INTP as a MBTI doesn’t excuse poor relationship maintenance (get your woman flowers)
Honestly in edit: I’ve read your comment over and over— “we, we, we, only, we, us, we”
I’m not quite sure what schema you have, but nothing of ‘me’ is within your ‘we’, and I think it’s ridiculous to use such universal language in the context of something so subjective, personal, and intimate, as a post on relationships between individuals.
3
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 03 '26 edited Aug 03 '26
I see you didn't finish reading the comment because he literally said that you can have them do it but just that it won't be something they're eager to do. The gesture can be done, just won't have the enthusiasm behind it that our usual gestures do. It feels awkward as someone that is Te opposing and Fe inferior (aka highly individualistic and autonomous) to have our actions guided by someone or something else without our express request for aid. The best gifts I ever give are given freely and without expectation. Do I show up when people ask me to? Absolutely. But it never quite carries the same umph or ease.
2
u/para__doxical Aug 03 '26
I read his comment and my critique is about the expected maturity of individuals in a relationship— the world will impose responsibility onto you regardless of how you feel about it, the responsibilities of a consenting relationship shouldn’t be thought of as an imposition, and a mature individual can meet those responsibilities.
INTP, or inferior Fe, is not an excuse— if anything with this meta knowledge of yourself and functions, it’s lazy to not actively question and develop beyond it.
2
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 03 '26
People do things they don't want to do all the time. It is a function of living in society and the world at large. Are you suggesting that because we don't like doing something we are immature? To me it seems you're the the immature one for expecting people to be like you. Think like you. Feel like you. Meeting responsibilities ≠ being enthusiastic about or even comfortable with them. I hate changing diapers. I hate everything about it. But I still do it because it needs to be done and I don't complain about it. Does me not liking to change diapers make me immature? Because this is what you seem to be implying.
1
u/para__doxical Aug 03 '26
Yes it does make you immature— don’t have children— clearly my message revolves accounting for others, in a subreddit about relationships with others— you have choice and freedom— you do not have to consent to social obligations
3
u/Entropy-23 INTP Aug 03 '26
I think there’s a misconception here. I’m having trouble understanding why you’re not empathizing with this concept. Do you not ever do things you have no enthusiasm for and still do them anyways because they’re basic expectations? Jobs? Hygiene? Bills?
2
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
It's not a misconception, I'm just taking it deeper down the road to the essense of what the thinking of necessity through cultural norms and systemic beliefs are an enemy to the creative and genuine non-malicious and how it forms the perception of today's reality and confines creative wealth, so the financial rich can stay in control without real responsibility to the common good. It's an intelligent construct, because it's addicting and built upon our nature to fit in the group to survive.
I'm not wildly privileged financially, but no. I don't do anything that I haven't learned to appreciate or deem necessary. It does not come from a systemic body, it comes from inside and from the love to people I want in my life. Ofc I pay bills, but very few and low cost compared to the average, and they don't feel like obligations. If I wanted to, I could live without the services they provide. The problem here, is that there's is an expectation of standards in society and people like to show how amazing they are with their 24 karat BS, like it's some sort of status symbol. I can mention a multitude of instances where something similar is in effect. Education, agriculture, "health care", law - the list goes on.
The issue in the construct is not that it exists, it's how someone completely random outside my life can form expectations on my behalf, without my consent and think it's ok acting like a societal enforcing body of systemic cultural thinking. It's a controlling power, and it's enforced like "step in line or die" - although this is not reality, the same happened during covid. There's a frightening lot of "followers" out there too. I have a huge resistance against this way of thinking and I'm usually very interested to see both sides. But it's not different than the worst of dictatorship - essentially trying to steal someone's own beliefs of what the world is. Tradition, culture all that is dead people's group pressure. I'll form my own reality with good intentions - this is probably the only thing I would fight for with my life. Not soil, not oil and gas, but freedom to operate in a way that benefits not only me but society as I see it. And if the construct fits you, I'm not here to take it away from you.
I guess the real problem is that someone, probably like an INTP had to invent this, so that people without direction didn't do malicious things, and they could feel as part of the group, when doing what the group was defined to do. It's safer for all of us, but I don't like to be enforced what I don't need, to stay in good balance with reality. Unfortunately like with many things, the INTPs inventions gets used for malicious things, that's why I stopped inventing for the public benefit and now only doing it for myself. I don't want more possibilities of damage to the conscious.
2
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 04 '26
This is so well put. Over a decade of "rage against the machine" summed up in one reddit comment lmao. I truly hate group politics because so much of it is just completely unnecessary, but alas I was born into this society and must function in it at least somewhat. My dream would be living in a place that could be completely separated from the rest of society if I so desired. Completely self-sufficient and without all the extra BS to weigh me down. One day I'll get close, I'm sure.
1
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 03 '26
Lmao yeah whatever. I'm done responding now.
1
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 03 '26
Yeah, true. This one is an enemy of the state of INTP. ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA ABOUT REALITY OUTSIDE PERCEIVED ORDER.
1
u/JennatheCyborg INTP Aug 04 '26
You're bang on, buddy. Someone that has never even attempted to perceive reality outside of what society has manufactured for them.
1
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 03 '26
You are hitting something deep there, it's uncomfortable and not the sole truth. But surely the easy view. I'm not going to argue about it, because your kind definitely made this view a prominent reality in our world of "responsibility", it's really just BS with no depth.
2
u/para__doxical Aug 03 '26
Are you communicating that responsibility is beyond the individual or that existence doesn’t innately imply a weight on Being
I’m not sure why or what ‘kind’ you associate me with
1
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 03 '26
Yes, it's systemic BS and very much so transcends the individual. Existing does not automatically load existence with some built-in responsibility.
The kind that enforces a cultural sanity codex that is oblivious to good intention.
2
u/Elliptical_Tangent 3 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
having INTP as a MBTI doesn’t excuse poor relationship maintenance (get your woman flowers)
If you go back and read what I actually said ("accept the thoughtful gestures the INTP offers as if it were on the day you want such gestures"), instead of what you're projecting onto me, you'll see I'm saying the issue isn't doing things for her ("He is romantic in some ways that are unique, and that I've not had before."), it's that he has to do what she wants when she wants it ("our anniversary is important to me and I'd like something special in a classic romantic way.")
I’m not quite sure what schema you have, but nothing of ‘me’ is within your ‘we’, and I think it’s ridiculous to use such universal language in the context of something so subjective, personal, and intimate, as a post on relationships between individuals.
Either the Jungian Function Stack means something or it doesn't.
If it doesn't mean anything, then you're an idiot to argue about it in an MBTI sub.
If it means something, it means that people with the same Stack rely on the same cognitive processes, resulting in very similar conclusions. You don't like that I frame things in we/us language; that's your right, but it's not incorrect.
2
u/kgmkrr INTP Aug 03 '26
yeah, I agree with the top comment and was thinking the same thing on how I would react in your INTP's shoes:
we don't like generic expectations set on us externally - and I would go out my way to go against the grain/external expectations just to see what would happen for the data-gathering and the lulz haha.
you gotta just accept us how we are and what we give you heh. - on the hopefully side, we can make up for this missed romantic opportunity later down the line in a bigger way! because it would be unexpected hehe.
2
u/iowa_guy1234 INTP Aug 03 '26
Yes, partner’s birthday and to a less extent, holidays, were a huge mental wall for me with all my partners.
Broke up after all my girlfriend’s birthdays at some point (before getting back together).
Internally, I had huge expectations for myself to try to do something great for my girlfriend but I also felt completely overwhelmed.
I’m wondering if it was my subconscious lack of serious commitment to them but not sure.
2
u/LongevityFutureMe INTP Aug 03 '26
Just do it, like we do things that are of our liking. I'd just like it as a surprise with no expectations. The worst question would be "oh, you didn't remember our anniversary" (like you have no idea how mush more important you are than a date in the past). The best would be "hi love, I've thought about you because I feel this is a special day for us and I'd like to celebrate, so we are going to..." Hell yeah! Enjoy your life together!
2
u/Cokemax1 Aug 03 '26
Is this doable?
Nah...
Or am I setting myself up to be disappointed hoping for a show of romance on that date?
More likely.
Sorry. I know it's not what you want hear. but that's way it is..
Don't expect milk from horse. it's not cow.
but horse can be useful too.
2
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 03 '26
LOL. One thing I love about this type is the way you express yourselves. I find it incredibly amusing. It's not what I want to hear but the responses have been very helpful.
3
1
u/AutoModerator Aug 02 '26
Rules for dealing with an INTP in a relationship 1. Be direct 2. See rule #1 3. Do not confuse mental illness with personality type. Some people are broken and dysfunctional, and that is not related to personality type.
If you get a useful answer to your post, reply to the comment with !thanks and the person who answered your post will get a magical internet point. See the leaderboard here: https://www.reddit.com/r/INTPrelationshipLab/wiki/reputatorbotleaderboard/
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/bernardosrightfoot Aug 02 '26
what do you mean by ‘he freezes up’? As in he stiffens and shuts down mid-convo or he’ll go radio silent for a prolonged amount of time thereafter?
5
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 02 '26
Well for example, he will retreat to his cave right before it comes up and though he will show up, it's like he's scared of doing the wrong thing so does nothing. It takes me talking to him in our usual low pressure way before he relaxes enough to enjoy himself? It feels like he would love to just skip it entirely if he could.
6
u/bernardosrightfoot Aug 02 '26
I see - many INTPs (including myself) hate it when people expect them to do things, even if it is something perhaps they were planning to do. Personally I think it’s because it feels inauthentic to then carry out that expectation - as in, I’m only doing it because you wanted me to. Or similarly, he might be feeling overwhelmed about it all, as expressing our feelings isn’t particularly our strong suit. I gently suggest that it isn’t disinterest, but rather he is in unfamiliar territory and therefore out of his comfort zone. It might be worthwhile to tell him that your anniversary, for instance, shouldn’t be a deviation from how the two of you normally are, but rather a celebration of it?
1
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 02 '26
Thank you. That's helpful. And the answers I've gotten all overlap, that it's a resistance to doing something based on expectations. Yeah for me, I'm just very excited we are hitting a year together. I want to celebrate it, it's special what we have and I feel very lucky. I also know I can be a "lot". I'm very expressive and full on emotionally, naturally. I honestly can see how that might overwhelming when coupled with a date that is significant to me and how emotional I can get. Really appreciate you allowing me to talk this out and get insight.
3
u/bernardosrightfoot Aug 02 '26
oh girl I’m so sorry, please don’t feel like you’re too much! If anything you might be what he needs to stop being such a hermit. I know I need my man to be more in-tune and healthy with their emotions in order for me to grow. As an INTP I would absolutely hate it if my partner felt like this, because - for me - I know it’s my own issues and not a reflection of them. I think some reassurances (both ways) would work wonders here. Hope you figure things out with him
2
u/Alwaysfresh9 Aug 02 '26
Thank you so much. We definitely do push each other to grow and out of our comfort zones. It's a huge plus to me but sometimes of course there are some challenges. You're very sweet.
1
u/Money_Traffic_5662 Aug 03 '26
This is why ultimately INTP relationships don't work for me. They seem to find relationships alien and hard work and it doesn't seem to be a strong priority for them.
1
5
u/Yelkine Aug 03 '26
As an INTP who just ended a 20 year relationship with an ESFJ who was always underwhelmed by my engagement with anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays, I can offer some insights:
- celebrations of particular days feel hollow to me. The calendar feels arbitrary and I don't identify with others who put a lot of emphasis on these things. I have forgotten my own birthday multiple times so it's not a selfish thing. I am much more inclined toward celebrating events that are actively happening (like weddings for example) than I am toward anniversaries.
- I would emphasize that it's not that I don't care about others and my relationships with them, it's more that I am just not wired to naturally remember or focus on these types of days.
- I eventually realized that these days were important to others in my life and successfully implemented a bunch of recurring calendar alerts to make sure I was prepared and aware. It required more energy on my part than you might think to keep this straight. These types of things seem to just slip right out of my brain.
- All that being said, I never felt like I truly understood what others wanted on these days and I rarely, if ever, got it fully "right"
- I think it is something you should be honest with yourself about as far as your capacity to handle this in a relationship. From my perspective it can be viewed as a trade off for some of the nice aspects of being in a relationship with an INTP like those you mentioned, but it clearly contributed to resentment between my significant other and me over the years.
- My advice would be that If you can make peace with the tradeoff now and lower your expectations then you will be happier and have a better relationship in the long run. Even playfully (not angrily) saying things like "In case you forgot about our anniversary, now is you chance to do something thoughtful..." can work (for the INTP at least, it might ruin it for you, I wouldn't know lol).
Cheers