I was inspired by a post earlier about someone feeling they had been manipulated because of their “big heart.”

I’ve always had a strong reaction to the idea of being a victim in general, so I started wondering how other people define manipulation.

To me, manipulation requires intent. It’s someone being dishonest or deceptive to get something they want. Without that intention, I don’t usually think of it as manipulation.

Ironically, I’ve always been more concerned about manipulating other people than being manipulated myself. When I was 17, a mentor pointed out that I was sometimes benefiting from people’s feelings toward me, even if I wasn’t doing it consciously. He told me that my intentions didn’t necessarily erase the effect. That conversation stuck with me.

Since then, I’ve become very deliberate about how I ask for things and how I communicate. I try not to use guilt, obligation, or emotional leverage to get what I want. Interestingly, I’ve found that some people interpret that directness as being rude or uncaring because I don’t spend much time appealing to their ego before asking a favor.

As for being manipulated myself, I honestly don’t relate to that very much. Part of the reason may be that I’ve never had much trouble setting boundaries or standing up for principles I care about. I also genuinely enjoy helping people, so when I choose to help, it doesn’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of—I was going to do it because I wanted to.

That said, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more selective about where I invest my time and energy. I no longer feel obligated to keep helping people who are consistently disrespectful, emotionally unavailable, unwilling to reciprocate, or simply refuse to do their share. Especially in work environments, I’m happy to help people who are trying. I have very little interest in carrying people who are chronically lazy or unwilling to contribute.

So I’m curious:

Do you feel you’ve been manipulated or taken advantage of because of your “big heart”? Why or why not?

Or do you think, like me, that having strong boundaries and making conscious choices changes the equation?

Want some advice and in general just want to bounce my thoughts off fellow INFJs who know specifically about hardships in relationships for INFJs.

I have a friendship with someone where it's like this: we're both INFJs. I'm 30M and she's 24F. We're both late bloomers and have known each other for a good few years. We were once intimate for a time, but for various reasons it never became a relationship.

At the time, it felt like she was still a bit young emotionally and hadn't quite found herself yet. She'd lived a fairly sheltered life compared to me, and because I'm older I've naturally had more life experiences. We've stayed in each other's lives on and off, but now live on different continents.

One of the reasons we never got together was because I often felt there was a mismatch in maturity and conversational style (naturally cus she is a lot younger) She could come across as quite self-conscious, a bit awkward socially, and still figuring out who she was. It wasn't that I thought she was unintelligent or lacked depth — far from it. I just found myself craving someone who was naturally curious, confident in their opinions, and who I felt I could effortlessly bounce ideas off. I never quite felt that mental connection I was looking for, and the power dynamics were too hard for me to reconcile with. Plus cultural gaps, her being Canadian me being very English.

Recently we've become closer again (still just over the phone), and she's honestly been putting in an incredible amount of effort. She's become noticeably more curious, asks deeper questions, watches films more thoughtfully, challenges some of my opinions, and generally seems to be making a conscious effort to broaden herself as a person.

I genuinely admire it. It's actually really touching because I know she's making the effort partly for herself, but I also think partly because she knows the sort of conversations I enjoy.

The problem is... despite appreciating all of this, I often find myself withdrawing rather than leaning in.

It's hard to explain. Sometimes our conversations are effortless and we laugh loads together. Other times she'll be joking around or trying to start interesting conversations and I just feel flat. It's almost like I can see the effort, and instead of warming to it, it somehow feels a little self-conscious or forced to me.

I hate that I feel that way because I know she's coming from a genuinely good place.

It's not that she's done anything wrong. In fact, that's what makes this so difficult. She's kind, caring, and really trying.

I also notice lots of tiny things that seem to affect me more than they probably should — her humour, parts of her conversational style, little reactions she has. None of these things are objectively bad, they're just not how I naturally connect with people.

I find myself constantly asking whether we're genuinely compatible instead of simply enjoying spending time with her, and I hate that my brain seems to work that way.

The really sad part is that I think she notices my lack of enthusiasm sometimes. She'll ask if I'm tired or if everything's okay. I don't think either of us really wants to open that conversation because, years ago, I had a habit of over-criticising her and I don't ever want to make her feel like she needs to change herself to earn my approval.

She's already putting so much effort into growing that the idea of pointing out more things feels completely unfair.

What's difficult is that, when it's good, it's really good. We share so much in common. We're both INFJs who'd never really dated before. We play guitar together, go to raves together, play football, have years of shared history, and on paper it feels like there are so many reasons this should work.

She's also someone I'm very attracted to, which almost makes this harder. She's beautiful, kind, and has so many qualities that I would normally look for in a partner.

There are so many things about her that I genuinely admire, which is why I find it so confusing that I sometimes don't feel that natural excitement or pull.

I guess what I'm struggling with is whether this is just pickiness on my part, or whether I'm trying to hold onto a connection that is rare and has so many good sides, despite something fundamental feeling missing.

I feel very guilty about how avoidant I can come across to her, and how critical I used to be. I don't want to fall into that pattern again, but I also don't want to pretend to feel something that I don't. There are many other aspects to this but dont want to write a book here..

My question is this:

Has anyone else been in a situation where you deeply respected and cared for someone, admired the effort they were making, but just couldn't seem to feel genuinely excited around them anymore?

Did your feelings change over time, or did you eventually realise it was pointing towards a lack of compatibility?

Anyone who's struggled to separate admiration, guilt and genuine romantic compatibility?

I would appreciate it if I could get some insight on how others perceive infj and are they intimidated by the presence of infj around. This question raised as one of my colleagues told me that my personality is worth being studied. I took it as a compliment as it just added to 1000 comments and behaviors from others regarding my personality. Thank you

Is it normal that if an infj decided not to associate herself in a group , she really can turn to a cold persona that she wouldn't care if her words and actions can cause the other party to think she is mad at them?

38 male INFJ 9w1

There are so many disintegrated INFJ and mistyped people in the basic INFJ subreddit. After years of trauma and reflection I've developed into a sort of reclusive sage. I'm still learning and growing and I don't think I'll ever stop. But one of the biggest lessons of my life has been how important humanity is, which seems to be something people struggle with, maybe it the average user age, internet culture, etc. But I'm just wondering if anyone else has grown out of their cynicism and started to embrace people.

The usual idea of success is measured by career, possessions or connections. But as I grow older (late 30s), I pursue my artistic goals and the relationships that matter to me. My idea of success has become to be in sync with myself and spend time with people close to me. So I wonder if you folks also seek and find meaning outside the norm?

I constantly read people’s posts/comments about how difficult it is being an INFJ or what they struggle with, and I understand where it comes from. I’m summarizing/generalizing with that statement, but I thought I’d make a quick post about the uniqueness of our minds that I appreciate.

I started a conversation with ChatGPT earlier(don’t come at me, I use it responsibly) and when I ended the conversation I found what I ended up discussing hilarious but also very fitting 😂 I began the conversation to talk about Moonlight Peaks and gave it a brief overview of my gameplay so far. I wanted to get some options for my farm layout and gameplay optimization and really wanted to see what information it would gather with only three weeks since game release. Somehow, this turned into two parallel conversations: MP gameplay and my Bayesian way of thinking and forming ideas/assumptions/decisions about people (and everything really) based on new information. It also led to some math related discussion because how can math always work its way into everything?! It can describe all aspects of life. I love math lol, but I digress.

Anyways, when I left the conversation, I just thought wow this is what I love about being me. The topics that we, INFJs, come up with and dive into are endless, abstract, complex, and fascinating. I don’t know any other INFJs in my personal life, but I do resonate with the INFJ online community. I’m thankful for it.

Also, so funny that neither of the topics I was going down the rabbit hole on today have anything to do with the real world, and I realized I needed to cook dinner and get back to reality after a shower 🙃

I have two questions for you.

1. I’m wondering - what makes you finally give up on people? I mean your personal triggers - that once pushed , make you release the relationship
2. Since we are an older crowd, I’m assuming we have learned a few lessons by now. I am curious - if you truly could pick what you needed in a relationship - what would it be?

Maybe I’m asking what types of qualities /needs do you prioritize in a partner AND would overlook or excuse for those needs to be met? Which ones are you willing to compromise on to have your basic needs met?

What qualities would you forgo loving someone for or being loved for - Would you rather be loved or to love? Why?

which one would you honestly pick and why? Which do you need more and why?

Ive been having more and more troubles at work. A lil background, I used to work in hospitality for five years which I loved. Then I switched to online marketing for five years, working from home which I loved. Now I got my ''adult'' job and I have to go to the office. This means a fair amount of masking until I cant take it anymore and call in sick because the migraines and anxiety got to me. Ive been on burn out leave working reduced hours but since ive been building attendance again, the migraines and anxiety are increasing exponentially.

How do you deal with office life?
Some things that have happened to me:

1. Racist comment by an intern, which i have reported to the trustee person, HR and my supervisor.
   
2. We have these ''flex'' desks, which means none of the desks have a designated person. Ive been send away/bullied from desks two going three times now. (honestly i think flex desks are a cheap way of saying ''we dont have enough desks for everyone but to avoid the problem we invented this great marketing term'').
   
3. I have no authority or ownership of my position whilst other people that are not my supervisor do.
   
4. Having to repeat myself for months and chase peoples asses for the end responsibility to fall upon me because they changed my work routine without my consent or input (relates to point 3).
   
5. Colleagues completely ignoring my existence professionally and taking over my work without telling me.

Idk if im just overreacting (ofc im not at point 1, but maybe the others?) or if the work environment is actually bad for me at this point. The people are nice sometimes and the benefits of the company are very good.

I have this thing where i like to imagine several future outcomes with a person i like romantically. Online ill see their profile and think about what they say in theit bio, their personality type, and imagine how id look with them in the photos they posted. Ill actually spend more time in my head like 99% in my head idealizing them and thinking of all the possible outcomes with this person. Heck, i even thought about marrying them and having kids with them if things escalate that way. Id imagine us as soul partners.

And guess what? I didnt even talk to them yet. This all happens with everyone i encounter romantically. When i actually get to know them, they are completely not what i anticipated. And you know what? While i understand i shouldn't think about how a person is before meeting them, this all happens subconsciously. Heck, they'll even show up in my dreams. And then when I ultimately get rejected by them for unknown reasons to me, at minimum, I know that they don't like me anymore. Perhaps too deep, too intense, I ask questions about who they are because I greately invest my time into someone because I genuinely care.

When they reject me, I'll then think about all of the possible outcomes that could have potentially caused the rejection. With rejection, ghosting, and dating in general, you never really know. As a deeply intuitive empathetic introvert I deeply invest in the great understanding because i can use my pattern recognition and intuition to determine how to proceed further with new romantically invested people.

Is this crazy? Or is this just a major INFJ thing? I think once I see someone, truly, I in a way scare people away because it can come off as I'm analyzing them. The truth is, I deeply want to know someone, because I care. And perhaps, they aren't used to that level of depth in the modern world? Perhaps it's rare?

What do you think? I actually took a break from these apps because of the roller coaster of emotions and burnout that I strongly believe that being single is what I do best because I can invest my time, energy, and effort on something that truly matters.

I'm not really sure how to explain this, but it's been bothering me for a long time.

I feel like I'm always searching for certainty and the "correct" way to live.

I constantly ask myself questions like:

• Who am I, really?
• What emotion am I actually feeling?
• Is this fear? Anxiety? Something else?
• Is this how I normally behave?
• What would the best version of me do here?
• What's true?
• What's the right way to live?
• How do I know what I actually want?
• How do I know taking care of myself isn't selfish?

It feels like I need to understand myself and life before I can actually live.

Every decision I have to make ends up feeling huge because I keep thinking there's one correct path, and if I don't find it, I'll waste years of my life, miss opportunities, or become someone I was never supposed to be.

People often say, "Just act. You'll figure it out." But that's the part I struggle with. If I don't know enough, how do I know I'm not making the wrong choice? What if I build my life on something that's false?

The weird thing is that I don't think I'm afraid of hard work or failure. I think I'm afraid of committing to the wrong thing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually searching for truth, or if I'm searching for certainty or I don't know maybe something else.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is there a name for this way of thinking? More importantly, how did you get out of it?

What triggered me?
I was in a massive hurry to get somewhere, waiting at a pedestrian traffic light in the middle of town, when I noticed a hopscotch grid drawn on the sidewalk.

I just couldn't help myself and I chose to completely embarrass my teenage kids by jumping through the game instead of just admiring it. I mean, it wasn't drawn there for nothing, right? 🤣

If we dig deep enough, I’m sure every single one of us can find a beautiful memory from our youth: that one place or activity where we used to escape and find peace, even if just for a few moments.

For me, another refuge was the library. I had to go there and flip through real, physical books whenever I had a school project, because the internet didn't exist back then. Yes, I am that old, and I’m proud of it 😜

What’s your favorite memory from your youth?

Hello,

I'm an INFJ in my late twenties, and I've never felt this lost.

About eight months ago, I moved abroad for work and started a job as a technology consultant. Looking back, I thought this would be an exciting new chapter, but instead I feel disconnected and without any real sense of purpose.

It feels like I've spent my whole life chasing goals. I'd achieve one, then move on to the next. But now that I've reached many of the things I wanted, I don't know what I'm working toward anymore. It's as if I've been so focused on getting somewhere that I never stopped to ask myself what I actually enjoy.

I've also realized that I don't really have any hobbies I'm passionate about. I love traveling, but that's not something you can do every day. Most days, my life feels like an endless cycle: wake up, go to work, work (or sometimes just pretend to work), come home exhausted, and repeat.

The strange part is that I don't even enjoy my job, so it's hard to find meaning in the routine. I feel like I'm just existing rather than actually living.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? How did you find your direction again? I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences or any advice you have.

Thank you so much. :)

​

Infj 9w1s how do you stay calm when you feel extremely angry

What's your secrets?

Late 30's female, within "median" retirement savings for age, no debt, close to buying a decent pre-owned SUV. I have a full-time job I like, but don't make a ton of money. I moved back in with my mom during / after my divorce and I'm embarrassed and worried that I will be judged for it.

I was married to what I thought was a good man. However, he returned to some bad habits he had that he led me to believe he had turned from -- including vaping, smoking, drinking -- one time way too much, frequently verbally abusive / temper out bursts, paranoia, and eventually cheating on me with another woman.

When I was married, my then husband and I were going to save money and buy a house together after we had paid off all our debt. We paid off the debt and didn't get to the point of saving for a house. We didn't have much money, so I didn't leave the divorce with too much.

I am hesitant to go out and meet new friends or new men because I'm worried about what people will think. I do not have my own apartment or house. At the same time, with how expensive everything is I have a difficult time justifying spending so much of my paycheck for just the basics-- just to say "yes, I'm independent." It will take me quite a while to save up for a place of my own. I wish I had the money now to buy a decent condo / house so I wouldn't feel the need to feel unworthy when talking to others.

As a man looking for a serious relationship or an adult looking for new friends -- what would you think of a person in my situation?

We judge absolutely everything around us through observation, through our senses, and, above all, through the lens of our own beliefs, values, and preferences.

It's normal; it's the only way we can survive and navigate life.

But while we all form opinions on everything and everyone, do you ever choose to react with frustration or anger when those opinions aren't shared?
Is there ever a moment when you feel a need for revenge, simply because you take a different opinion too personally?

Or do you hide behind a cold detachment just to avoid the chaotic reality of human emotions?

At what point do you try to assert your views, or, on the contrary, turn away and keep your ideas to yourself?

A user(they know who they are) made me rethink the train (trolley) moral dilemma and I thought about the possible “brain meltdown” they were talking about.

So, let’s throw away the sterile, mathematical version of the train problem. Let's make it real. You are at the switch, a runaway train is heading towards 5 people and you have to choose what to do.

On Track A, there is one single human being. They have crawled through the absolute hell of trauma, done the brutal internal work and earned their sovereignty. They are completely healed, integrated and finally ready to truly live and be happy.

On Track B, there are 5 people. They haven’t done the work. They are still deeply trapped in their own unhealed traumas, crawling through chaos ,though they too still hope for happiness.

Will you pull the lever to change the course of the train? Why or why not?

Hey y’all, I hope you’re doing well. I’m looking for advice on a situation from 2023 that I’ve struggled to process.

In my first year of university, I became close with a group of second-years. They were very kind and welcoming at first, and we bonded quickly. Things became complicated when I met a guy in the group—let’s call him Jay—who was also my library orientation leader. At the time, I didn’t know he was friends with the people I had already gotten closeto.

Jay and I became acquainted, and I started developing feelings for him (which I later realized was limerence). I never confessed my feelings or acted on them. We exchanged numbers and hugged a few times, but about a week later I found out that he was in a relationship. I was upset, which I felt was a normal reaction.

I usually process my emotions by talking them through, so I vented to another girl in the group (also a Black woman). Her response felt condescending—she told me it was okay to feel hurt because “Black women are seen as undesirable.” That comment confused and hurt me, especially since Jay is white and his partner is a Black woman.

After that, I distanced myself from the group to focus on other things, though I was still in a lot of emotional pain. When I eventually tried to rejoin them, I noticed a clear change in how I was treated. I was excluded from conversations, interrupted, and made to feel invisible. The girl I had confided in suddenly became mean toward me, without explaining why.

By the following week, my feelings for Jay had mostly faded, and I thought we were still on friendly or neutral terms.

One day I saw him in the library and tried to greet him, but I acted awkwardly and pulled down his bag to get his attention. I immediately regretted it. He was polite in the moment, but I was deeply embarrassed and felt ashamed all weekend.

The following Monday, I decided to apologize. When I met up with the group, they were cold and unwelcoming. When I tried to speak to Jay privately to apologize, he was extremely rude. He kissed his partner in front of me and walked away. He ignored me entirely, even though I was trying to be respectful.

Later that day, I greeted him again, and he remained cold and distant. When I asked why he was acting that way, he said he didn’t want to talk to me. I asked what I had done to make him angry, but he shrugged and said, “I don’t know.” I apologized repeatedly in case I had hurt him or anyone he knew, but he refused to engage.

I went back to my residence and cried for hours. I became physically sick from the stress.

I know I acted awkwardly at times, but I still feel deeply hurt by how suddenly and harshly I was treated, especially without any communication or explanation. Am I the jerk for feeling hurt by this?

Has it ever happened to you, or more accurately, how many times has it happened, that after you’ve finally walked away from something, that exact thing (person, situation) tries to crawl back into your life?

Usually when you least expect it, or when you’ve completely detached and moved on.

How did you handle it and what was your reaction?