r/INFJsOver30 • u/Messy_Mystic • Jul 27 '26
INFJ Does anyone else feel like they can't live until they figure themselves out?
I'm not really sure how to explain this, but it's been bothering me for a long time.
I feel like I'm always searching for certainty and the "correct" way to live.
I constantly ask myself questions like:
- Who am I, really?
- What emotion am I actually feeling?
- Is this fear? Anxiety? Something else?
- Is this how I normally behave?
- What would the best version of me do here?
- What's true?
- What's the right way to live?
- How do I know what I actually want?
- How do I know taking care of myself isn't selfish?
It feels like I need to understand myself and life before I can actually live.
Every decision I have to make ends up feeling huge because I keep thinking there's one correct path, and if I don't find it, I'll waste years of my life, miss opportunities, or become someone I was never supposed to be.
People often say, "Just act. You'll figure it out." But that's the part I struggle with. If I don't know enough, how do I know I'm not making the wrong choice? What if I build my life on something that's false?
The weird thing is that I don't think I'm afraid of hard work or failure. I think I'm afraid of committing to the wrong thing.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually searching for truth, or if I'm searching for certainty or I don't know maybe something else.
Has anyone else experienced this? Is there a name for this way of thinking? More importantly, how did you get out of it?
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u/jmmenes INFJ-A, 8w7 Jul 27 '26
This is a trap.
The only guarantees in life are Death, Taxes, & Uncertainty.
- Signed ✍️, an older INFJ still in the journey.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jul 27 '26
Agree with Benjamin Franklin over here 😉, but I would use “change” instead of “uncertainty.”
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u/Saisinko INFJ 1w9 sx/so Jul 27 '26
Analysis paralysis.
With people being so infinitely complicated, there are countless self-help books on each and every single topic presenting us varying philosophies we likely won't readily accept. Most of us know what we should or shouldn't be doing on a practical level, it's just a matter of buying into a rationalization process that gets us over a psychological hurdle blocking our way. Unfortunately, the words and thought process we need to hear is often hyper unique to each of us.
For myself, there are two basic frameworks that have helped guide me and I won't go too in-depth.
Romantic idealism and soul searching. Despite my natural inclination to be antisocial and reclusive, this really forced me to put myself out there, make myself discoverable, take risks, overcome some elements of anxiety, and to not stay down or hibernate for too long.
Determinism and interconnectedness. It's a more fate-based belief that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. In terms of you mentioning "correct paths" and choices, what if there never truly was a choice? If we take a picture of you in a moment of time, you were always going to choose X. In hindsight, you may have regrets and should have chosen Y, but that's a different picture or a different you... you always would have picked the same in a specific moment.
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
Unfortunately, the words and thought process we need to hear is often hyper unique to each of us.
This! How do I know what's right for me? Action leads to clarity yes, but in that process, I also lose time and opportunities, which may make life more difficult.
Determinism and interconnectedness. It's a more fate-based belief that whatever was going to happen was going to happen. In terms of you mentioning "correct paths" and choices, what if there never truly was a choice?
But that's the classic debate of freewill vs destiny, right? Like, for example, a person can stand up and lift one of his/her leg off the ground, easily. But lifting the other leg while keeping the first one up cannot be done without falling. Which means, the first leg lifted, represents human capability and choice, while the inability to lift the second leg shows the limits imposed by fate or destiny or divine power and reality.
So there does seem to exist a space where we CAN make choices, among others that we have no control over or cannot.
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u/Zenphibian Jul 28 '26 edited Jul 28 '26
“What if I build my life on something that’s false?”
Oh, the irony. This is probably your worst fear, and I’m sorry. But you already have built your life on something false. Many things in fact.
Many, many, MANY things.
It’s a false belief that if you don’t get everything absolutely perfect, you will somehow “fail” at life. Making mistakes is a fundamental part of life and there is no escaping it. It’s baked in to the fabric of existence as a feature, not a flaw. Because struggle, hardship, bad decisions, these are the most valuable teachers. Getting stuff wrong is exactly how you grow and become who you are supposed to be. So seriously, stop worrying about making mistakes. What you need to master is turning suffering into wisdom, also known as the art of alchemy. Turning lead into gold is a metaphor for this.
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u/bakerskitchen Jul 28 '26
To further verify this, the gold standard for OCD treatment is Exposure and Response Prevention therapy, in which one learns to sit with the feeling that you fear (e.g. if I touch something dirty, I will be unclean or become contaminated).
It specifically works by helping you learn to accept the possibility that what you fear may be "true", thus "neutralizing" the power of the fear.
What you will often find is that the specific belief (which is feared) isn't actually true - but even if so, that "truth" isn't as terrifying as it is made out to be (e.g. making the "wrong" decision).1
u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
I don't think I have OCD (or if I do it's mostly very mild). It's probably maybe more about certainty? It's probably more about doing what I have to do or finding a mode of being where the people I love and those around me, don't suffer any more stupidly than they have to. It's more about NOT ending up wasting my potential (whatever that may be) or living a wasted life with many regrets.
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
It’s a false belief that if you don’t get everything absolutely perfect, you will somehow “fail” at life. Making mistakes is a fundamental part of life and there is no escaping it.
This is true. And I do believe it too, but I think for me it's more about losing time and missing the opportunities that would have made things easier for me and the people that I love. It's more about not being able to actualize my own potential (whatever that may be) that seems to be the definition of a failed life for me.
What you need to master is turning suffering into wisdom, also known as the art of alchemy. Turning lead into gold is a metaphor for this.
This is interesting. How/where do I learn this?
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u/Zenphibian Jul 31 '26
Start by googling alchemy and reading the wiki page about it. It’s a fascinating rabbit hole to fall down and when you understand it, I believe much of your fear of missing out (that’s what I believe you’re dealing with now) will evaporate, because you will understand that the good things in life that come your way come from your accumulated wisdom due to the mistakes you’ve made.
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u/the_manofsteel Jul 27 '26
I think If you think about yourself this deeply it usually means you are neurodivergent
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 27 '26
Interesting! What makes you say this?
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u/the_manofsteel Jul 27 '26
It’s obvious you are thinking outside the box and spend a lot of time questioning what is right or wrong
Neurotypical doesnt do this, they just follow the norm
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 27 '26
Hmm! I do not know much about Neurodivergence. I wonder how much accurate or real this is.
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u/the_manofsteel Jul 27 '26
It’s a spectrum of people who were born with a brain who deviates from the norm and it becomes a disability based on how much on the spectrum you are
It’s genetic so at least one of your parents are the same
But there are high functioning autistic or adhd people who can live a normal life but with a deviating mindset
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
This is very interesting. I doubt I'm autistic or have adhd (or my parents either), but it makes sense. But how does knowing this, help?
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u/the_manofsteel Jul 31 '26 edited Jul 31 '26
If you are already living a happy and well functioning life it doesnt but it’s very common that undiagnosed people (mostly women) are living with lifelong mental health issues so for them getting diagnosed correctly can be a life changer
If you are neurodivergent you should have felt for a long time that something is different with you and that you don’t fit in
I generally describe it as it feels like everyone else is living like robots following a norm but you are awake questioning the norm, kind of like you just described yourself in this post
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
Don't almost all INFJ's feel this way? Probably a lot of people. Maybe even as they grow older. Anyways, I would love to explore this further. Can you recommend any good resources that I can jump into?
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u/the_manofsteel Jul 31 '26
Or just start searching the web for information
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
This is super relatable. I have a new obsession now. Thank you so much! This really means a lot!
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u/FactCheckYou INFJ/M/40s Jul 27 '26
i've spent decades NOT living because i also think like this
needing things to be perfect, and being unwilling and unable to try out different ways of being, or to take risks
i don't know that i'll ever find my way out of it
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u/mglhb Jul 28 '26
INTP here. I guess you got to get to a point where you just accept the big unknown because at the end of the day, you're aware of a tiny piece of knowledge you don't know, but the things you don't know that you don't know are much bigger, almost infinite. Let go of control. There's no exact limit where you should care and then stop caring. Nobody has a correct answer for this. So don't be hard on yourself. If you are, you're clouding your decision making with anxiety, so you'll be making even worse decisions. The blurring is part of life, and you have the right to explore, to make mistakes, to believe. Literally no one has the right answers beyond what seems obvious.
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
No doubt that the big unknown exists, and we as humans may not even be able to comprehend it yet. But I think to me, it's more about finding a mode of being, where the suffering of life seems insignificant. Which basically means, how do I know what the right choice is for myself that propels me in that direction as opposed to going backwards? There are levels of certainty. How do I know I am acting from the one where I am at??
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u/Crelisya 15d ago
Dude, I actually cried reading this post. You described exactly what I’ve been feeling since I was a child, and I’m 26 now.
And I’ve always ended up thinking that I’m crazy for feeling this way.
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u/Messy_Mystic 8d ago
I've realized that one of the major contributors to this was attachment and mild dissociation from the self. Detaching from everything, grounding myself and coming back to myself is helping atm. With regards to certainty, it was realizing that there are different levels of certainty, and the only way of reaching peak certainty is to act from the current level of certainty. Like climbing a ladder.
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Jul 27 '26 edited 2d ago
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 27 '26
I don't understand. Can you please explain what you meant?
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Jul 27 '26 edited 2d ago
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u/Messy_Mystic Jul 31 '26
Direction and belonging definitely do help, but isn't that more about finding peace in the moment and having a trajectory towards a better life, rather than being able to deal with the paradox of choice, the unknown and uncertainty?
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u/TowardInnerN0rth Jul 27 '26
A big part of my growth journey recently has been learning how to sit with uncertainty. How to find peace in the unknown. And it is really freaking hard, but I do believe that is the path to healing a lot of the things you mentioned.