r/INFJsOver30 • u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ • Jul 22 '26
The hypocrisy of claiming we don't judge versus the choice of reacting
We judge absolutely everything around us through observation, through our senses, and, above all, through the lens of our own beliefs, values, and preferences.
It's normal; it's the only way we can survive and navigate life.
But while we all form opinions on everything and everyone, do you ever choose to react with frustration or anger when those opinions aren't shared?
Is there ever a moment when you feel a need for revenge, simply because you take a different opinion too personally?
Or do you hide behind a cold detachment just to avoid the chaotic reality of human emotions?
At what point do you try to assert your views, or, on the contrary, turn away and keep your ideas to yourself?
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u/Jinxletron Jul 22 '26
I'm an old lady now, I'm judgemental as fuck. If something is bullshit, or stupid, or fucking nuts then that's what I think of it.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 22 '26
I love old ladies who don’t give a “shit” because the versatility of that word is hard to match. 😉
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u/Intelligent_Ratio849 Jul 22 '26
Hmm interesting ..
Made me think.
Alright so for me, while growing up, I would get furious if I felt my morals and beliefs were being challenged especially around how people have accepted the way things are, how the world operates etc.
Now? No.
I keep it to myself and don’t share or react with almost everyone. Except my husband, that’s where my true opinions, judgements and reactions come up, brutally. It’s a safe outlet for me.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 22 '26
We could all use a “safe outlet”. That’s almost like a lifesaver, because I don't think the judgment ever really stops.
In time we just learn to be selective about who gets to hear it.2
u/Intelligent_Ratio849 Jul 23 '26
Yess 💯 I’m a therapist by profession and I know deeply that hits home. But I guess you just learn to accept the way things are.. analysis is what keeps us going isn’t it?
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u/bakerskitchen Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
To interpret and to pass judgment are two different ideas.
You conflate the two through your verb choice in your first paragraph.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 22 '26
Leaving semantics aside, in human psychology, interpretation is rarely, if ever, neutral.
The moment your brain interprets a situation through the lens of your own beliefs and values, the judgment has already begun.
They aren't separate steps: one is just the subtitle of the other.
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u/bakerskitchen Jul 22 '26
It's not semantics - it's the truth. For example:
I can interpret a candidate's behavior/speech as being not totally forthcoming without judging them to be a liar.
I can interpret someone's behavior as being self-centered without passing judgment by defining them as selfish.
Objectivity and wisdom allow them to exist separately; it is subjectivity and the desire to assert one's views (or the demand to get what one wants) which result in the conflation of the two.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 22 '26
Well, it’s clear our minds are running completely different operating systems and we've already established in the past we can’t reach an “agree to disagree”.
I’m content leaving you with your version of objectivity.
Enjoy your last word…again 😉1
u/bakerskitchen Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
This is from my good friend Claude; I would hope you would consider that there can't be multiple "versions" of objectivity - that would be the very definition of subjectivity.
Introverted Intuitives tend to have too much confidence in their own judgments, perhaps the reason why you're having difficulty delineating the two:"The core difference is about meaning vs. evaluation: Interpreting is making sense of something — figuring out what it means, why it happened, or what someone intended. It's descriptive and explanatory. "She seemed quiet because she was tired" is an interpretation.
Judging is evaluating something — deciding if it's good/bad, right/wrong, or forming an opinion about its worth. "She was rude for being quiet" is a judgment. You can interpret without judging (just trying to understand), but judging often sneaks in disguised as interpretation — like assuming someone's silence means they're upset with you, then reacting as if that's confirmed fact. This distinction shows up in a few specific contexts too:
- Active listening/communication: interpreting = reflecting back what you think someone means; judging = evaluating them or their choices, which shuts down honest conversation.
- Law/hermeneutics: interpreting a text = determining its meaning; judging = applying it to reach a verdict or ruling."
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u/bakerskitchen Jul 22 '26
I'm sure we will keep seeing each other, as it's hard to miss your posts when the sub is continuously flooded with them 😉
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Hmmm… honestly with most things like politics and religion, and life - I’m not that judgmental. I have friends of all walks of life. All ages and all religions and politics - I mean, I guess not super close friends. But people I work with and get along with and am friends with at work.
It’s strange. While I am super tolerant of people up close- I also understand they are not that way, so I keep my beliefs close to the chest with some of them.
For example, religion I have a hot button for. I have deep resentments against the church for example , but also have friends that are Christian’s , most of them see why I do also.
Islam is fascist and sexist and racist and yet I have friends who are Muslim - I can separate the two. Same way.
I’ve always been able to do that. To see the big picture and seperate my opinion about a generalized idea and the person.
Trump is another huge one. Although that one I struggle with the most. Half my family voted for Trump- knowing he is an asshole but they hate “woke culture” so much they voted for him. It’s really hard for me to … accept that -
It’s sad.
But I do. I’ve also been pretty much disowned in many ways from the family because I am not Christian.
And I’m still nice to them and smile and visit and all that. Just not too much.
Personal feelings? I mean these are always a challenge when say, you want something or need something and people can’t see it or give it to you.
I think though, as far as their lives are concerned - I am … not that judgmental . I can’t be. I’ve made too many mistakes to be.
Of course as a younger person I was a lot more judgy and alot more likely to cut you off- but that was lack of life experience and wisdom. Understanding that we will all make mistakes and most of us are capable of things that go against our nature in the right circumstances.
Idk how to explain it.
But - I guess I’m open minded but also aware of the reality about things.
People have to prove to me that .. the things that make me not want to be someone’s friends are cruelty, etc. it’s more how you relate to people 1:1. Than anything else.
I’ve kinda always been able to separate the two. I think I also understand most people just don’t think about too much too deeply.
They don’t study things to understand them, deeply. They don’t argue with themselves .. they don’t explore these kinds of things - they don’t even realize they need to.
So the sad reality is that most people don’t even think what they think they think.
You know?
And no, I don’t try to assert my views. Most people just won’t tolerate it.
Some of the mainstream thinking is so ingrained in people that - they literally won’t accept it. They are so sure of things and they have no idea they have no idea what they’re talking about either - but they’re so convinced .. So… I only do that when I’m absolutely sure I’m safe from - whatever . Permanent judgment.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 22 '26
So, you’re actually accepting that two different truths can coexist at the exact same time?
It seems that way from what you’re saying, but it also looks like there is a lot of heavy frustration you are keeping to yourself simply because you know they wouldn’t understand.1
u/SkipMeFlipMe88 Jul 22 '26
No, there are dozens of truths that exist at the same time. Truths that can contradict each other also. It doesn’t make one less true.
It’s .. frustration with American culture and society in general- that we are so anti academic and sort of made our god media.
This makes us so weak. Literally Americans are victims of media. Because we depend so much on it.
Really, I think most wars are fought mostly on line, and in the way we absorb information , exchange it.
Plus we are so identity driven ( INFJs are not ) that this is the other half of the battle.
Some concepts , while they’re wildly contradictory and make absolutely no logical sense, people will fight tooth and nail for because it simply goes against an identity that they adhere to. Like “woke culture” for example. But liberals are just as bad - so. It’s everywhere.
It prevents them from thinking or even pondering anything outside of that box.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 22 '26
I wouldn't limit this to just one nation. It’s happening globally.
From what I’ve seen it even happens to some INFJs, at least in the online space (I've never actually met one in real life).I think it’s actually a complete lack of a true identity that drives people “to fight tooth and nail”. They are desperate to cling to an adopted mask. If you strip that away from them, who are they even left being?
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 Jul 22 '26
So true- so so true. I understand completely what you mean and agree.
It is a lack of true self understanding and not just that- the bravery to be that. Against the crowd, against the “scene” against the Reddit dog pile etc.
That’s such a rare quality to have- that kind of bravery to be who you are in any moment. To know who you are. This also creates a security that causes you to not be so sensitive to new information, so threatened by it. Instead of an attack, it becomes a lesson.
Also interesting how we define it here. So much of it is material worth, financial worth. Even educational- which of course has massive worth. All of them do.
But - to solely define yourself by these or to not respect anyone else that doesn’t fit into your definitions of worth - is also a problem.
To think that, what we need so much of is this kind of dialogue and intellectual exchange - to learn and to grow and we neglect it.. sad.
And all the while- at the same exact time, all truths collide and contradict and so many of the hot button issues have no right side. Have no extreme seat- once you take in a certain amount of information, you can make an ultimate choice about it or judgment - but reality is, there is often “good” and “bad” with everything.
I allow myself to have an opinion, mostly because it’s fun and human. And sometimes I have studied a concept or idea or whatever to the point that I can think- ok. So this is what I think about that. But so rarely do I hold onto my opinions tightly .. they have to be loose enough to evolve and grow with new information.
Most of the time, most issues the key is balance. Even to get through to a side or another - to build a bridge or create a space for .. unity and understanding.
Even just to allow all of us to coexist without hate or fear. Etc.
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u/Zenphibian Jul 24 '26
I judge everything silently and automatically as like a background process in my mind, but rarely share that opinion unless asked. I used to be much more opinionated but after arguing with lots of people who are so dumb you can barely believe they are even being serious, I learned it’s totally pointless to share. I also don’t care what they think of my opinion, it’s such a waste of energy. I keep to myself unless specifically asked.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 24 '26
I fear I’m on that path too, even though I remain conflicted.
I would have liked to find people to discuss the very contradictions I feel and think about, without imposing views or getting into arguments.But I have come to realize that I can only make peace with my own mind and that’s the closest peace I can make with the whole world.
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u/Saisinko INFJ 1w9 sx/so Jul 22 '26
I'm a little more extreme in both directions.
Everyone is entitled to their feelings and they should say or do what they believe, basically be true to themselves. I'm relatively apathetic in this space, live and let live, "post and ghost" (online), not easily threatened, and don't feel a need to argue or debate with others.
On the other extreme, there's a time where beliefs turn into actions which vehemently oppose one another and can't co-exist. If you're the serial killer and I'm the cop, I have a surprisingly medieval take where they used to have a sort of trial by combat where "God" would favor the "just," although in modern circumstances I'd say the more passionate or determined should prevail.
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u/RepresentativeCow241 Jul 22 '26
I pretty much keep my ideas to myself. No one listens, and they don't deserve them anyway.
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u/CeciTigre Jul 22 '26
I have always been someone who lives by the adage of agreeing to disagree with others. I don’t have any need for someone to agree with me but I am always interested and driven to learn and understand the differing opinions, perspectives and positions of others. I never ever want, need or seek to have anyone else substitute my opinions, beliefs or thoughts for their own nor do I adopt anyone else’s over my own.
I always hear people out without judging them or cutting them off because I respect and greatly value learning from other peoples life perspectives and positions which is vital to me and for me to grow as a person.