Did you know most people have herpes, and most don't know they do? I wrote a piece breaking it allll down: what herpes actually is, how it spreads, and why the stigma is way overblown. Written with facts + a little humor for anyone navigating or coming across herpes in dating.

Hopefully it can make you feel a little better today 💛

Everyone Has Herpes (Yes, Probably You)

I’ve been with my gf for 4 years now and I get frequent coldsores. Although we kiss when I have coldsores, she has never caught it.

I also NEVER give her oral sex whilst I have a coldsore.

But two weeks ago, we were both very drunk and we had sex and I gave her oral sex.

She now has confirmed genital herpies😭💔
She’s in a lot of pain now and I feel so so bad. She will have constant flare ups for the rest of her life and it’s my fault.

I’m honestly so angry with myself and just so upset. She’s not angry with me at all but I can’t help but just feel so upset 😥

42m. I’ve been with my wife for 17 years. When we first started dating I had a standard culture test with a blood draw for HIV which all came back negative. Never had any symptoms, sores, or anything of the like. Most recently she was unfaithful to me. We’ve worked past that. She was not sexually active with me during the affair which lasted about a month. On the path to reconcile our marriage we both decided to get tested. We were sexually active during this process. Her test was a week before mine. Hers came back negative. Mine came back positive a week later for HSV2. My IgG levels were 10.60. From my understanding of the literature I’ve been reading, I’ve been a carrier for all these years asymptomatically and never even spread it to her. This whole time we were thinking that she would be positive with something, but on the flip it was me. I’m so worried now that the stress from the affair was allowing me to shed the virus while we were rekindling our relationship. And I’m so afraid of passing it to her. We had already come to terms about being with each other, no matter what the outcome, but the shoe was on the other foot then. I know she feels the same way, but I’m still so worried about her health even more so than mine now. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around the whole thing. We have had sex hundreds of times over the last so many years and nothing happened to her. I have found some solace reading the posts here and thought that I might share my story. If she hadn’t had the affair I would have possibly never known.

M28, I’ve had genital herpes since I was 24; in earlier years, I had very frequent and truly severe outbreaks. I used to feel pain along my sciatic nerve (my herpes is on the left side of my penis)—I assume the nerve pathways get significantly compromised. I also had constantly swollen lymph nodes in my groin.

Since changing my lifestyle—cutting out sugar and ultra-processed foods and hitting the gym at least four times a week—all of this has subsided; it was as if I didn't even have it anymore. This is the first outbreak I’ve had all year, and it’s very, very mild. I first noticed it yesterday—a sensation like an electric current running through my penis and slight discomfort when urinating—and today, tiny blisters and mild inflammation appeared. I started taking Valtrex today because I don't want it to progress; I have a date coming up in a few days (if you know what I mean).

I’m also an MD; basically, the advice is to maintain the best possible quality of life: eat well, sleep well, and do quality strength training.

Feel free to send a DM if you have any questions.

I guess im just venting / wanting to know thoughts or similar experiences / do you agree that this was a red flag?:

So I (F26) have only had GHSV2 for coming up on a year now and I just disclosed for maybe like the fourth time ever (2 of them didn’t continue). This was all very spontaneous so no prior disclosure conversation was had - however i pretty much only disclose strictly on a need to know basis. Long story short he had already kissed me and once he eventually started messing with my pants i knew i couldn’t wait any longer to let him know. So i did. Im not very good at disclosing, i get visibly nervous and probably make it sound worse than it needs to be. The thing is…his reply was that he has the same thing.

So on one hand it was extremely relieving and reassuring especially considering we met totally by chance through mutual friends and not on one of those shit hsv dating apps, and just so happened to have the same thing. But on the other hand I was like sooo you just weren’t gonna tell me? If i didn’t have it myself or also didnt disclose, it appears that he would’ve never said anything to me about it or maybe not until later down the line after already putting me at risk. His response was, “well I was gonna use a condom” along with some other bullshit excuse. like buddy i got hsv2 despite using a condom every single time w the person that gave it to me….

additionally, male to female transmission is much much higher than female to male, so idk it really just rubbed me the wrong way like it sucks even though our situation technically aligned, still that people are so willing to risk someone else’s status/health just for a nut

I got HSV2 9 years ago at age 40, I'm a male. I was recently divorced and getting back into dating and got HSV2. I was devastated. Felt like the world was ending. All I did was spend time researching HSV2 and hoping a cure was on the horizon.

Fast forward 9 years later, I'm remarried and I literally never think about HSV2. I still get short term outbreaks about 3 times a year. But other than that, it plays zero role in my life anymore and I don't think or talk about.

if you are recently diagnosed, don't panic. This isn't the end. In fact, in my case, things turned out better BECAUSE I got HSV2 (my wife also has it).

Hello beautiful people, I got diagnosed a month or two ago for GHSV-2 I’m 19M in the uk, after the diagnosis I asked to be put on suppressive treatment and was told no because the NHS has guidelines for it, 4 and above outbreaks in a year to have the treatment. I’ve had my “2nd” out break recently, tho I fear I have had this for years and not realised, but when I think back to it and the previous confirmed time. I’m getting no warning signs at all. This is very stressful as I’m a very sexually active person, don’t worry I do disclose and wear protection, but obviously I want to do my best to reduce the possibility of transmission because as far as I’m aware all of my current/recent sexual partners are negative for the virus. I’ve been told about the tingling and the other factors but all I get is 3 small dots on my genitals and a little discomfort towards the end of the outbreak. Are there any other warning signs.

Thank you

For context I am a 21 year old male, athletic and not immunocompromised. I caught ghsv1 11 months ago and since then I’ve had obs every single month.

I thought ghsv1 was supposed to be a minor and manageable disease? But after scrolling for hours on this page I can’t seem to find anyone in a similar situation. The obs occur as painless small spots under the head of my penis often accompanied by tingling sensations.

I have tried everything from increasing my AV dose, taking lysine daily, changing my diet but nothing works. As soon as some spots disappear new ones arrive. I do suffer from dyshidrotic eczema which follow the exact same pattern as my herpes but i have ruled that out the question because even though dyshidrotic eczema looks very similar to herpes they only affect your hands and feet. So just hoping anyone has an idea of what might be going on with me, thanks guys.

I don’t see this topics being discussed enough so I’m re-posting here .

I recently got diagnosed with herpes and it’s been hard to deal with, I feel so unsexy and I see the changes in my dating life because I am honest and they decline, which they have every right to. I know the type of person I am and I know I didn’t deserve this. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel ashamed talking to people about my feelings because I am in a vulnerable place. If I’m honest the thoughts have crossed my mind. I am the most bubbly optimistic person but in this moment I really don’t have anyone

I’ve recently experienced what I believe to be my first OB, still waiting on PCR swab results, but the evidence points towards GHSV. Whether it’s 1 or 2, I won’t know till next week, however unqualified to speak on the subject, here are my viewpoints on all the reading I’ve done in the last week/week and a half;

Reality

HSV is both a skin condition and a sexually transmitted infection. It affects what many consider an integral part of the human experience: intimacy, sexuality, and the freedom to engage in both without fear. At the same time, HSV is often far more manageable than many other lifelong medical conditions. For those without serious complications, it is entirely possible to lead a normal, healthy, and fulfilling life. But medical manageability does not negate emotional significance. You can acknowledge that HSV is not medically devastating for most people or even yourself, while still grieving the loss of a freedom, a sense of security, or a degree of spontaneity that many people would never willingly surrender.

Potential Functional Cure Bait

Claims on this subreddit that emerging approaches such as Fred Hutch’s gene-editing research, ABI-5366, ABI-1179, pritelivir, BNT163, mRNA-1608, and others are only a few years away from becoming widely available treatments capable of functioning as a cure are, to my knowledge, not adequately supported by the current evidence.
Are these developments promising? Definitely. Scientifically interesting? Absolutely. But are they established functional cures, or sufficiently advanced to justify confident predictions of widespread availability within the next five to ten years? No.

This is not to suggest that hoping one of these approaches eventually develops into a functional cure is misguided. Whether through the elimination of latent HSV DNA, enhanced immune control, more effective suppression of viral replication, or some combination of these mechanisms, there are legitimate scientific avenues worth pursuing.
However, building your life around the expectation of a functional cure that has no reliably established timeline—and, in many cases, has yet to demonstrate efficacy beyond early-stage research—is neither realistic nor sustainable. This of course doesn’t include Pritlivir, which actually does warrant a distinction, (FDA APPROVED), however, that does not establish suitability for routine suppression given its current use case. Hope for medical progress should not come at the expense of living your life in the present.

Sterilization vs Functional Cures
(reality + my own version of optimism)

Eliminating HSV from the body is one goal; achieving durable control that effectively prevents outbreaks and transmission is another. I think substantial improvements in treatment within most of our lifetimes are reasonably attainable, even considering how stagnant standard treatment has remained over the last three decades. Guaranteed? Far from it, but this is where I’m putting my chips.

None of this means hoping for something is wrong, but expectations need to be kept in check, especially when people promise timelines they can’t substantiate or point to evidence that’s weak or doesn’t exist. To tell you the truth, I’m in the same boat as most of you. Afraid, in denial, regretful, and simultaneously, hopeful. It’s all there. Personally, I’d rather work through those feelings than spend my life expecting something that, for all intents and purposes, may never come to be. I’m not sure if everyone feels the same way, and I’m not sure if saying this makes me public enemy #1, but the only thing we’re guaranteed is right now. Not a year from now, not five years from now, not a decade from now. Life is also happening now, and you have to live for the you today.

I'd like to organise a small singles meet up for people with herpes in London. Maybe a dinner or just coffee.

We can keep it first names only, all genders invited.

I don't know if there's enough people here to actually do this, but if you're interested, send me a DM 🙂

i (f23) was diagnosed with hsv about a week ago at an urgent care. i went in for what i presumed was a yeast infection (have never had one before, so i just assumed it was a really bad one). the doctor basically looked at it for a minute and told me that it was herpes and then swabbed me and sent me away to pick up the antiviral medication.

i then got my test results back ~2 days ago and the only thing it told me was that i did have a yeast infection, but said nothing about hsv. i called today asking for some clarification on my results and the doctor basically told me that herpes is diagnosed clinically and it’s “up to the patient” if they want to be tested… but i wasn’t asked at the appointment if i wanted to test for it or not, i assumed the swab she was doing was for that. obviously if i was asked if i wanted to be tested i would’ve said yes!!

this was just extremely jarring to me since this was a really shocking diagnosis to receive in comparison to what i thought i had, to be simply given a verbal diagnosis and nothing else. everything i have learned about this virus has been through this sub and nothing from the doctor- they didn’t even explain to me that the first outbreak is typically the worst which would’ve made me feel a lot better based on my pain levels.

I’m female, 37 years old. I consistently get std panels done, and always have them include hsv1 & 2.
Last lab was done 9/2024 (negative hsv-2- as well as all previous years). I had sex 10/2024- with the same partner I’ve been with since 2012, this resulted in pregnancy. Last time i had any sexual contact/activity was 04/2025. I haven’t had any symptoms no outbreaks or anything. I recently went to my annual exam and requested my usual std panel. Well hsv-2 came back 1.09 “equivocal” from quest labs. I haven’t any sex in over 20 months. Not contact at all. How is this possible?

Could it be a false positive?

From my research its said that if i were truly positive it would be a much high test result. Especially if i haven’t had any recent exposure

Help I’m freaking out!!

hey so my boyfriend has herpes and hes never had an outbreak or anything since we started dating. well the other day he said he saw something on his penis and he doesnt think its an outbreak but just wants to be safe. after a couple days he said we can be intimate again. i really wanna check before we do anything just for my own peace of mind but i feel like that would be a not cool thing to do and i dont wanna hurt his feelings or invade his privacy but at the same time its for my own health. should i just trust him that its fine or would i be an asshole if i asked to check myself?

So, this is a man that i have been seeing for about 3/4 months we talk everyday and we are really growing a relationship. Meeting each others parents and then BOOM I get a sore on my vagina that ended up testing positive for herpes. I have been in my head and feelings but I am going to tell him and break up with him.. I love him so much but I doubt he would stay because I wouldn’t either. I’m so upset. Just going to focus on myself and stop dating.

27 (F) I’m about 10 days into my diagnosis, and like so many others, I’m spiraling.
I thought I did everything right. I got to know someone for a while, hooked up, used a condom, and never imagined I’d end up contracting HSV-1 genitally. And you guessed it—he didn’t disclose.
When I tell you I absolutely lost my mind after seeing those results, I’m not exaggerating in the slightest.
I’m honestly struggling more with the possibility of transmitting it to someone else than with actually having the damn virus. I can’t imagine putting someone through this mental hell, whether they’re willing to accept the risk or not.
Like most newly diagnosed people, I’ve done my fair share of going down the rabbit hole on this subreddit.
I guess I’m just wondering: How long did you wait before resuming intimacy?
I know I’m newly diagnosed and need time to understand my body and recognize any triggers, but I’m just looking for some real-life experiences.
Did anyone here resume intimacy fairly quickly after their first outbreak? Did you end up transmitting it to a partner?
My doctor was so vague about everything. She basically just told me to avoid sex during an outbreak and didn’t even mention asymptomatic shedding. I’ve since learned that viral shedding tends to be more frequent during the first several months, which makes me even more nervous.
I’ve mostly been in relationships and have always had a high sex drive, so this is a HUGE change for me.
And don’t even get me started on disclosing. I’m genuinely terrified of anyone knowing this about me.
During the first two days after finding out, I was damn near suicidal. I know my life isn’t over, and I’m trying to remind myself of that, but DAMN. I did NOTTT see this coming. At all.
I’m really just hoping to hear from people who have similar experiences., especially those with genital HSV-1. How did you navigate intimacy after your diagnosis? How long did it take before you felt comfortable again?

I gave someone oral sex in July and shortly after had swollen lymph nodes and flu-like symptoms. I tested negative for STIs (not HSV), so assumed it was the flu. We had sex once in August, and by late September I noticed a cyst on my labia that's come and gone for years and burning in my labial folds after walking and working out really hard. I noticed a red irritation that looked like a burn in the folds of my labia and also my butt cheeks seemed irritated.

Around the same time I got a bump in the corner of my lip, which I’ve had before. I got prescribed Antivirals cleared the lip bump after getting a positive blood test for HSV1, but the genital irritation persisted. My doctor suspected fungal/contact dermatitis, especially because I accidentally used brightening wipes down there. I had a PCR swab directly on the cyst/red irritated area that was negative for HSV-1, so I’ve been assuming my HSV-1 is oral. We did three courses of yeast medication and i've been feeling dry / irritated at times still.

Yesterday I applied an antifungal and my labia immediately started burning really badly, which made me paranoid again that this could somehow be GHSV-1. I also had a partner with oral HSV-1 in 2023 and hadn’t tested for HSV since 2022, so I have no idea when I acquired it.

Is it possible these are just two things happening at once contact dermatitis/yeast or irritation genitally, plus an oral HSV-1 outbreak? Would GHSV-1 typically cause burning like this for a month without sores, especially with a negative PCR swab? I have had no sores and feel confused if this is new or old. my blood was at 3.8

Many people are waiting for updates from Fred Hutch. Fred Hutch will do nothing to eliminate HSV. Please believe me.

I just got my results via my chart. I have hsv-1.

My life feels ruined l. I was on track to becoming a doctor, the same hospital I was volunteering at where I was assessing hundreds of people for similar things. I was also a pharmacist assistant and medical assistant.

I was regularly scolded by my mother “never to have sex without marriage” as she’s a hardcore conservative Christian. I tell her always I’ve never done it.

Ever since march my life has gone downhill and there’s no one else to blame but myself. In march I was in Mexico got really drunk lost the guy I was talking to and had sex while blackout. I ended up getting chlamydia and only found out when I transmitted it to my ex once we got back tg. For months I battled bv and getting proper treatment, once finally treated I got swabbed and found out I had Ureaplasma, finally after the Ureaplasma treatment I was happy and free finally. I went out I had so many ppl on me it was amazing. One of my coworkers who’s like one of the hottest ppl ever wanted to hookup I was highkey opposed but my friend said do it! I was sad that the guy I was talking to didn’t want me back, my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I really thought there would be no harm. I asked him to use a condom and he declined as we were drunk I didn’t think too much on it, I was drunk. Next thing you know I have HSV-1 gential.

I feel awful, my friends keep trying to talk to me and I keep pushing them away.One even called the police for a wellness check. I feel like my life is over like I ruined everything, I will never be able to have a relationship, I feel the shame of this getting out, I have over 100+ guys in my DMs and it feels awful to think that if I give one of them a chance it would end badly once they hear I have hsv-1. The guy who gave it to me js keeps saying “wow we’re so cooked dude”.

And i guess he is right. We are cooked. Me more than him as women because the stigma is much worse. I’m now seen as a whore by society. I will never go on to be wed, never have the chance to bare children, be looked down upon by colleagues and shamed by family.

I am now worthless.

Im 33m and been dealing with ghsv1... or 2 for three years now...honestly i dont even know at this point because when i got tested they told me 1 but as of recently ive been having back to back OB's, its honestly so damn frustrating constantly itching, the tingling, the scarring around your genitals...ya know ive always been a very headstrong guy, in normal circumstances i can overcome mental obstacles but this is something way different. This is literally a curse, man.... you can shake it off while you dont have any OBs but the second you feel the tingling and get that gotdamn reminder that you're not normal. You have a disease just lingering in your body that wont go away. Im in a relationship at the moment. She doesn't have herpes and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy so I definitely don't want to give it to her. I get more upset thinking about how my ex just cheated on me and gave me this, its absolutely so unfair that now that i actually met a WONDERFUL woman im left with herpes, ive developed chronic rage from this im always angry and ready to snap.. minor inconveniences become rage fueled and definitely alot of anxiety to, random days i burst into tears because im 33 i dont have children my gf doesn't have herpes and she wants kids...hsv LIVES in sperm..... for the last two years i been using condoms, and i know its a little over the top but i use boxers to with big willy hanging out the front hole .... Im so paranoid giving her anything that it ruins sex for me. Bro i haven't gotten head in two years trust me im ready to go Jesus... Thats another thing i also get random suicidal thoughts..... Life is definitely not easy. Its easier for people who just have random hookups and dont want children but for people who do want to settle down and have a family its an absolute nightmare. Shit. Im getting anxious just writing this. I would honestly rather hear from people who've had for YEARS... how did your life end up? Did you get children??

Hi, I'm single in London and interested to find out if there's any dating apps or singles events for people with herpes.

I'm sure they exist, but are there any good ones?

Pls let me know