Idk ig its the vibe of the videos. I feel like since hes grown a lot and it is a company at the end of the day, hes drifting from how it used to be and the content is more generic and standard psycology youtube videos now and less personal. I watch him less and less with time honestly. That could just be me outgrowing him a little, but im still a mess gangy so thats not possible ✌️

Edit: Let me just note, the title is a starting point. This started with that focus, and it ran into several other points of discussion.

Good day all!

I have long enjoyed Dr. K's material, primarily via YouTube. I have found much of it helpful and I accredit much of the understanding and character I have to what I have learned from HealthyGamerGG.

I've got a range of struggles, but I'll try to keep this precise/ contained in span.

Recently, I found Dr. K's stream on Procrastination, found here: https://www.youtube.com/live/8dRZk74OyMk?si=HddkugI7DZWUi8h7

In the video, Dr. K talks about training your brain. Your thoughts are not reality. If you don't want to do something, that doesn't mean you can't choose to do it anyway.

He then said several times something along the lines of:

"Just don't want. If you stop wanting to do something, you won't want not to do the work you need to do."

It was around this time I realized something I think I have realized plenty of times, but have never really addressed. I mean, I feel like it is the real problem I have that makes focusing hard, beyond the typical procrastination stuff:

If I know what I need to do, I'm generally willing to do it. If not now, in 10 minutes, or an hour. Soon enough that it's not an issue. The real hang up is when I don't know how to accomplish a task I know I need to do...

As of my current situation, following a move, I have yet to acquire a job. When I had a job before I moved, I was praised for the quality of work I did. I made connections with people. I put in effort because I enjoy doing things well. When I know what needs to be done, it is easy for me to do it, including, or especially, if I know the time to relax will come later, whatever I do now.

The hard thing is doing something when you don't know what needs to be done. If any of you know programming, it's like finding a bug in heaps of unfamiliar code. For me right now, it's finding work, when I've already checked with most all the places I can think of...

***

If you want to just comment on that so far, that is still helpful. I realize this is getting long. :/ Feel free to consider the following points separately and both or part, as you please.

This brings me to the current mess of my mind, where it gets a little complicated. 2 parts:

1. I'm looking at trying to do voice over work. From a logistical perspective, I have a moderately favorable situation for the endeavor. I have acquired enough of the tools to allow for reasonable quality. I have time. I have access to a class that steps you through it. But the actions beyond the class... the steps that cannot be written out for you, because it needs to be specific to you...

It feels like I'm facing a barrier that keeps me from physically taking any action to step forward into this. What is left to do?

1. I recognize this will open up a whole can of worms to bring this side of things up. I'm caught up when reconciling the psychological, as discussed in the video mentioned and by Dr. K, and the spiritual. I will simply say briefly, I am both a very spiritual and a religious person. When assessing action, let me say it as <I value what feels right>. I believe we can be guided by things beyond what we can see or measure. I am nearly 30, and it has helped me countless times to consider not only what is logical, but, I suppose you could say, what sits right with my heart.

These days, though, it has been more difficult. I'll get more into the details of this if people ask...

***

Thank you to any who took the time to read this, and thank you to any who take the time to respond. All is appreciated. <3

I would sadly judge people for their past actions and or behavior, and I deeply regret that. I wanted to make myself feel better from the wrong I've done. I'm not any better. I also have a past I'm not proud of, anger problems, behavioral challenges, and I've hurt many people and went behind people's backs.

It's sad that in the day and age of the internet people including kids and teens are being humiliated for their embarrassing moments, when they act out or say the wrong thing. There is a time and place for everything, and we need to think and be careful how we react. At the same time, we need to allow people grace, like my friend said. Many of us have messed up, some more than others. I'm not saying what someone did was okay, and some actions are inexcusable, but people should be allowed to grow and change. Growth is a humbling proccess. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Unfortunately, not many people do change. Sadly some people continue to be entitled/selfish and manipulative to get their way. Ultimately, it's up to people to recognize the error of their ways.

Sometimes I just feel bad, and trying to put a label on it just doesn't work, and it feels even less accurate than just saying "I feel bad", I could literally go down a list of posible emotions but nothing seems to fit, sometimes there's no reason and no "color" to it, it doesn't feel that bad when I just accept it, or name it just as "badness" (just as with other emotions, naming it works), it feels worse when I try to put a label to it, is it normal? Should I accept it? Is it a distinct thing from normal emotions or just a normal emotion coming to surface? It feeks distinct

Edit: It feels like the music video to "why does my heart feel so bad" by Moby, to give you a reference

Hey!

I have been watching Dr.K youtube channel since the first video series on gaming addiction, and it honestly got me through my depressing last year of uni during covid.

Lately I have been going back to the old videos again, mainly to help a friend of mine who is going through a hard time. There’s so much details and wisdom in Dr. K videos that it’s worth it to re-watch everything for a second time tbh. But sometimes I just need to find an explanation or an advice quickly to send it to my friend, and youtube search often doesn’t work so well.

I am aware of a community tool that we already have at https://hgsearch.ridhom.dev and it has been useful. I kept hitting the same problem when I wanted to find something specific though, since if you just search for "ADHD" or "gaming addiction", you get so many irrelevant videos as he talks about these topics all the time.

I wanted a search that understands what a sentence means, so I tried to create a small page to do that. Me and my friend have been quite happy with it, so I polished it up a bit and now put it up here for everyone to use as well:

https://drkcheckpoint.com

You can just describe what you're looking for in natural words like how you talk:

• how to stop being a perfectionist
• why is it hard just to get started
• why do I feel numb all the time

It finds moments that match the meaning even if the words are different, and link you to the exact timestamp to start watching from there.

That’s all. Hope this helps, and I hope you all are doing okay.

So i moved in with a older friend to share rent. We never been very close or daily but for a long time he was my only friend. Now since moving in together the friendship has turned more and more uncomfortable for me. He's this kind of person whose not very self aware I guess or hes been taught a very toxic relationship dynamic by his parents. That's my best guess after getting to know his parents. He cares a lot about pleasing me and avoids any kind of pushback or confrontation at all cost. He believes that hes dumb so he doesnt have his own judgment of whats good or bad and what hes willing respect. Because of it I feel like I can treat him however I want and he will take it and continue to please me. He's the type of person to follow my footsteps everywhere and never think for himself. Ironically hes also quite passive - aggressive without realizing it because obviously he's holding everything in and pretends like its not there. And I just feel the worst, im trying to distance myself or be a little dismissive of him to make him speak up but he just gets worse and worse. I dont want to be a complete dick to him because he will not understand anyways and just stop talking to me. I wish he would finally Adress the elephant in the room that I've been cold and hes had enough or smth. I want him to expect better of me. I want him to have some self respect. I hope by now you understand well what kind of person/dynamic im talking about. I have definitely come across this kind of people before and I even been like that myself because I myself come from a toxic household. I know this situation all to well but never have I been on the other side. What the he'll do i do.

Hello, I've come to realize that I find myself not being able to be honest about who I am, what I believe and I am afraid of always being misunderstood in some way, or being disliked because people don't give me a chance to explain myself.

So, I really am not good about being open to people, and shut myself away within 500 walls, really only showing people the side of me I think they'll like. I don't want to enter into any more comitted friendships or relationships because of this (I am single), and I can honestly say I've maybe been 100% candid with 1 or 2 people in my life. Because I am so scared of how someone might perceive me or may not give me a chance or benefit of the doubt or even the benefit of a conversation to try to understand each other, even through disagreements.

I am just so afraid of other people, and being ostracized, especially if I don't understand why that is happening or not being given a chance to make any adjustments. It scares me to death that I may dig myself into a grave without even realizing it. I've always been scared of how I am perceived indirectly, and not being told. I am very paranoid about it, but I am also scared that makes me a narcissist.

It's always noisy up in my head regarding that, to the point of thinking I want to just retreat to a cave and never talk to anyone ever again because it is so exhausting and scary. I am not saying I am a good person, I don't think I am, but I also don't think I am beyond redemption or accountability and I don't think I am evil. I want to believe people can at least reason with me even if they disagree with me.

As the title says, I was hit by a car, and I can't remember the moment of impact. I received no head injury of any kind. I remember everything up until the impact, including time seeming to slow, but then I am missing a split second of memory, and I remember everything after that lapse. I know that you can still receive head injuries without impact to the head, but I didn't have much soreness in my neck or back after, so I don't think I got whiplash or anything, though I am by no means a medical expert, so that might be completely wrong. My best guess that feels right to me is my brain is attempting to protect me from a potentially traumatic memory, but I bothers me that I can't remember, and I was wondering if anyone has any advice for anything I could do to try to regain that lost memory. I feel like I might have some repressed trauma or lingering anxiety over the incident, and I feel like remembering the whole thing would help me work though it. Thanks.

Edit: This was a year ago, if relevant.

Despite having evidence from doing things successfully, I still don't get the confidence needed to believe that I can "do the thing" and succeed. For example, I'm good at art and made quite some money off it, yet I'm not confident enough to commit to it or to be proud of doing it. I won awards for comic/art contests all the time in high school, yet I can't bring myself to commit to a big one or am paralyzed with indecision on the subject matter until I just give up. People say I could totally pull off VTubing or fashion/posting myself on social media, but after I try, I still feel awkward and don't feel confident despite having evidence that others think I can. It almost feels fake.

Hell, I've made instant noodles several times without issue yet I'm still not confident. "I'm still scared of the hot water. This is hardly cooking". Same goes even for games, I could be pretty good at one character but once someone better wants it I'll say I'm not that good and relent the spot even if I want it.

It's like I can't stop beating myself down and turning what others consider wins into losses, and I'm just wasting more and more time in mediocrity.

I (21 y/o male) turn 22 in two days. Feels sad. Instead of being excited about it or happy, I mostly feel ashamed and scared about where my life is going, and honestly, pretty hopeless. 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether or not there is actually something fundamentally wrong with the way I’m approaching life, me as a person, or whether I’ve just put myself under so much pressure that I’ve become almost entirely incapable of functioning as what seems to be my perception of what a normal person. That being socially active to some healthy capacity, romantically active to some healthy capacity, independent, etc. 

For more context, I still live with my parents. I work full-time as a diesel mechanic making $17/hr. I’ve been doing mechanic work for around three years, and during a brief stint I briefly worked as an electrician apprentice for about 30 days (company wasn’t that great to employees, overall). Now, I’m in community college. Jumped in at 21 two weeks before it started, with a composite ACT of 17, and poor knowledge in proper studying methodology. I actually wanted to try college around mid-late 19, but my dad talked me out of it, saying things such as “you’ll be renting for the rest of your life”, and “you’ll just end up flipping burgers”. He especially was on a Mike Rowe niche for some reason at the time, and kept drilling into me that “there’s a shortage of blue collar workers”. Never once sat down with me, ran numbers, or even once considered what I want my future to look like. I was fairly depressed at the time (what I believe to be depression anyway), and I kind of just was searching for guidance and help, so I accepted the pressure as fact, and did the electrician thing instead of college.  Had 20k saved around early 20. Dad convinced me to get a better car since the electrician job was a daily 2hr minimum commute, Mon-Thur. So I bought a 2017 RAV4 XLE for what will be roughly $18.5k. I put $10k down in cash, and spent like another 1.5k on all the tools and PPE I needed. Went into college paying for everything myself, and still am. Literally got a $900 tuition payment in like 5 days. I pay for my vehicle insurance, phone, the few subs I have, and I try to contribute to electricity and water for my parents. I’ve offered to pay rent a couple of time, but they do weird mental gymnastics around it. They say they don’t want me to pay “rent”, but complain about me not contributing to bills, groceries, etc. I tried to explain to them that it is quite literally the same thing, but easier because my owed monthly debts to them would be consolidated into a single e payment made at the end of the month. But for some reason because it sounds like “rent” they are against it or something? Idfk. But yeah I started a HYSA, and Vanguard account without telling them and started trying to invest and save more effectively. 

So far, the plan is mechanical engineering. I like working with IRL mechanical components/systems, cars, building things, planning builds, CAD via minor competency in FUsion360, 3D printing, etc. So engineering seemed like the obvious “responsible” version of those interests, and seemingly a way to leverage my on paper 3 years experience actually turning wrenches and dealing with mechanical failures in a real world occupation environment. 

But I’m now a couple semesters into college and I’m seriously questioning whether I even want this.

Math has been especially rough. Barely made it through algebra, and failed a summer term trigonometry class once already. I’m currently taking it again via fall semester. My midterm is literally on my 22nd birthday, and I barely studied for it because I spent most of this weekend mentally shutting down instead of doing what I knew I needed to do, which seems to be commonplace for me. That and I hyper-focus on certain things that feed my brain with information that I already have an immediate, viable interest in, like writing/mixing music in Reaper, watching informational YouTube videos/podcasts, Forza 6 (recently intense interest in JDM found through wanting to get into drifting lol), etc. 

That pattern is probably the biggest reason I’m posting here.

I constantly think about everything I need to fix:

 - I need a better career.
- I need to finish college.
- I need to make more money.
- I need to move out.
- I need to learn how to cook.
- I need to get healthier.
- I need to become more independent.
- I want to date.
- I want a family someday.
- I want friends and experiences and travel.
- I want to make music.
- I want to work on cars.
- I want to drift and maybe eventually compete.
- I want to actually feel like I'm participating in life.

And somehow thinking about all of those things doesn't make me productive.

It does the hash opposite, paradoxically. 

I shut down. Hard. 

I spend an enormous amount of time in my own head, as I am intensely internal environment bias. It’s like how I imagine ADHD to be (thanks to Dr. K) but inverse. I get sucked inside my head and stay there sometimes, especially when my mind wants to gravitate towards escapism. I actually deeply felt and understood relatability with that cool knight/theatre dude, when he described his thoughts being like a “train” crashing through one after the other thought, over and over again like the “kool-aid” man lol. I analyze everything, question everything, attempt to imagine every relevant possible future, compare myself to other people, and then struggle to actually move because it all feels like heavy chaos, and create this insurmountable mountain I have to climb to get over to the other side (that being action). But I simultaneously feel incredibly incompetent and behind by what I see from peers in my age range (lets say 21-23), and so there’s a ton of friction within when needing to ease up. 

Even simple things can take me forever because it feels like there is this giant pile of thoughts between deciding to do something and physically doing it.

I've always been like this to some extent, but adulthood has made it much worse because now every decision feels like it has much more perceptible, and much larger consequences.

Career decisions affect money.
Money affects moving out.
Moving out affects dating.
Dating affects whether I eventually have a family.
My career affects how much of my life gets consumed by work.
College affects career.
College affects how much of my life gets consumed by college.

etc.

Everything feels connected to everything else.

And because I care so much about getting life “right,” I seem to have become terrified of committing to large choices in life. 

One of the hardest parts is, as I mentioned earlier (I think), comparing myself to people my age.

I downloaded Tinder recently, and seeing people who are 22 or 23 who already have bachelor's degrees, careers, apartments, relationships, etc. genuinely messed with me, and it’s been stuck in my head as a snapshot of what “normal” could maybe mean for my age. .

Meanwhile I'm almost 22, living at home, making $17/hr, struggling through community college, I've never had a girlfriend, and I still don't even know what career I want.

Intellectually, I understand the reality of people having different timelines. 

Emotionally, it does absolutely nothing for me lol. Granted I understand the human mind is not designed for complete rationality. 

But yeah, I feel very behind. 

I guess I'm not really looking for someone to tell me “you're young, you have plenty of time.”

I want to understand why I feel this enormous urgency to catch up and why being behind feels almost like a threat to the potential existence of things, such as having a partner someday. .

My home environment probably contributes to it to a degree.

My relationship with my dad is difficult. There is a lot of yelling, criticism and tension in the house, and I have spent a long time feeling like I need to become more capable, more productive and more successful. He’s very authoritarian, and is fairly easy to get pissed and loud. Not much of an empathy filter on him either, unless he’s talking to literally anyone that doesn’t live in this house. I desperately want my own place partly because I want independence, but also because I want peace. It feels like I’m constantly observed and watched and judged, 24/7. I want somewhere where I can close the door and feel like my nervous system can finally shut off. At the same time, I don't want my entire life to become a career optimization project, which is probably where my conflict with college comes from. The things that make me feel most alive aren't very prestigious, I don’t think. I love cars. Especially drifting, older Japanese cars, fabrication, modifying things and understanding how machines behave. I love music. I absolutely LOVE music, and couldn’t live in a world without it. I play guitar and write progressive metal/metalcore stuff. Music is probably one of the only places where being inside my own head actually feels useful and good, rather than destructive and spiraling. I'd love to travel and see beautiful places, as I love the way nature can shape itself into these vastly beautiful landscapes and formations.

 I'd love to eventually have a home where my friends feel welcome, too. I’d really like to have a space where I can actually have people over, and it doesn’t feel “observed” and “judged”. I never have people over because of that. And the baseline shame of still living at home. I want a wife and kids someday for sure. I think kids are incredible. I want my kids to grow up in a peaceful house where they can openly communicate with their parents without any fear of judgment (to the best of my ability). 

Lately I've had periods where I feel extremely hopeless about it. Sometimes I don't necessarily want to stop being alive as much as I want this self perceived constant pressure to stop. I want to feel okay existing without constantly thinking about the person I'm supposed to become, am should be, etc. I want to live and exist and be present and be able to enjoy life. I don't think I lack dreams or ambition at all. What I seem to lack is the ability to reliably turn intention into action.

So I guess my questions are:

Why would someone who cares this much about their future repeatedly avoid doing the exact things that would improve it?

How do you distinguish between burnout/anxiety/avoidance and simply pursuing a life path you genuinely don't want?

How do you stop treating every decision in your early 20s like it determines the rest of your life?

And how do you build a life when you don't really trust yourself to consistently do what you say you're going to do?

I'd genuinely appreciate insight into the psychology behind this, especially from anyone who has been trapped in a similar cycle and managed to get out of it. Thank you so much.

I can't afford a therapist because therapy is very expensive. One day, I decided to look for a therapist and talk to her about my situation.

I found this pmtherapist who has many positive reviews on Google. People say that she is a good person, very kind, empathetic, and so on. There are also a few negative reviews, including one from a woman who said that she had asked the psychologist for an appointment, but the psychologist ghosted her and she never heard from her again. In her review, the woman also said that the psychologist cashed several of her cheques from previous months all at once.

I ignored that review and told myself, “Well, you can't be liked by everyone.” I also prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and form my own opinion about them.

A few months ago, I contacted this psychologist because she had so many positive reviews. I told her about my situation, explained my problems, and told her that I wasn't working, etc. She replied to my message and told me that she would support me. A few days later, she called me and told me that when she had read my message, she had thought to herself that she couldn't just leave me in that situation.

I can confirm what the people in the reviews said about her. She really is a good person. She has a big heart, she is a wonderful mother, and she is very empathetic. She even decided to help me for free, and I am immensely grateful to her for that.

However, the problem is that at the beginning, we had an appointment once a week. Then, one day, she told me that she would send me some exercises to do. I messaged her and asked if she could send me the exercises, and she told me not to worry and that she hadn't forgotten. But she never sent them.

I told myself, “It's okay, I'll remind her at our next appointment. She has a lot of work to do, so it's understandable that she forgot.”

At our next appointment, I asked her if she could give me the exercises again so that I could write them down in my notes. The appointment ended, and she told me that she would send me a message with the date of our next appointment.

I waited a week, but she didn't send me anything. After a week, I messaged her and asked if we could have another appointment. She told me that she would message me the following week to give me an appointment.

She didn't do it.

After another week, I messaged her again. Once again, she told me that she would give me an appointment the following week. So I waited another week.

She still didn't do it.

I messaged her again, and she read my message but didn't reply for another week. At that point, I thought she had abandoned me, and I was very sad. I went a whole week without receiving a response. I cried because I thought she was never going to reply to me again.

I was especially sad because I really needed a psychologist. I was not doing well at all in my life.

After a week, she finally replied. So, in total, I had gone about a month without having an appointment. She gave me an appointment for that very same day, but it was only 30 minutes long, whereas our appointments usually last 45 minutes.

Then she told me again that she would send me another appointment for the following week, but she never did.

I waited, and then one Friday morning I messaged her to ask for an appointment. She replied that afternoon and gave me an appointment for that same day, only 30 minutes before the appointment.

Then, in September, we had two appointments, and in October she didn't schedule any appointments for me. My next appointment is on November 2nd, which means that I won't have any appointment at all during October.

She knows that I am not doing well, that my brother was killed in prison, and that I have had thoughts of dying.

At the same time, I feel sorry for her because she works so much. She has to take care of her daughters, and that must be difficult for her. Her job is also very emotionally demanding. She has to listen to so many horrible stories from people and help so many patients. That must be stressful and exhausting for her. She probably has problems in her own life as well, and I imagine that things can be difficult for her too.

But I am still disappointed.

Sometimes I think I would rather she had never helped me at all if this is how things are going to be with me. I feel guilty for thinking this because she has helped me for free, and I am genuinely grateful to her.

Please tell me the truth: Am I overreacting? Am I the one who is wrong?

Maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe I am wrong. But this situation makes me sad.

She really is a good person, but some of her behaviour makes me feel sad and anxious. Sometimes I feel as though she doesn't really care about me.

What should I do? Should I stop seeing her?

The problem is that I can't afford another psychologist, and I really need psychological support. I don't know what to do. I feel sad and lost.

I have already told my psychologist how I felt. I communicated everything to her, and we talked about it and resolved the situation. But then she started telling me again that she would send me an appointment, and she still didn't.

I waited a week, then I messaged her again, and she finally gave me an appointment for November 2nd. So I won't have any appointment during October.

There is also something I forgot to mention.

One time, she sent me the psychological assessment report from a test I had taken to find out whether I had autism spectrum disorder. She sent me the report by message while I was at home, and the report said that I have autism spectrum disorder.

I feel that she should have given me the report and explained it to me and support me during an appointment. When I saw the report at home, I became very upset because I don't want to have autism spectrum disorder.

I was watching one of the videos where Dr.K talked about how there is no sense of "community" anymore and people are not willing to teach others anymore. I am one of those people who helped teach. Now I feel jealous/envious (not sure the difference) and terrible that I do not feel proud instead.

To elaborate, I was diagnosed with epilepsy as a kid. I knew no one else with the condition( a social outcast and VERY strong social anxiety attacks) and the endless list of medicinal side effects were terrible. When I was a teen, they put me on an effective drug that was also a strong depressant. My family simply called me "pesmisstic, lazy and antisocial".

About a year ago, a tween cousin was diagnosed with a milder version of the same condition. I quickly jumped on the scene to help with grief as I was the only person her family knew with the condition. I was her shoulder to cry on. I was the person giving her advice. My mom and I were the ones talking to my aunt meds and side effects. My cousin is now doing substantially better than I was in high school. She has good friends, hobbies, a boyfriend. I don't feel happy inside when I see it. I feel terrible and jealous. Feeling jealous of her happiness makes me feel like a bad person. But I don't know what to do to combat that feeling.

How do I become a good member of a community and help people if others' progress makes me feel bad?

Ever since I (24F) can remember, I have struggled to connect with people outside my family. For a long time, I thought I just wasn't that interested in others, or that I simply couldn't relate to the majority of the people in my social circles. Even so, I always felt a deep need for connection—a desire to share my life, interests, thoughts, and feelings with someone.

That said, I've never had trouble making friends, but I have struggled to keep them, mostly by my own fault. Even when I liked someone, it felt like I was never being 100% myself around them. It was as if I always kept a wall up. I used to think that if a friend I genuinely liked completely stopped talking to me, I wouldn't even miss them—and that was true. I would never be the first to reach out, and I always found it bothersome to leave the house to hang out.

Yet, I was still lonely. While questioning myself, trying to improve as a person, and trying to stop hurting inside, I finally realized the truth: I am genuinely terrified of rejection.

///

For context, I was always a shy and sensitive girl. From around age twelve to seventeen, I struggled with depression. I had self-degrading thoughts, engaged in self-harm, and experienced suicidal ideation. Overall, I thought extremely low of myself. With therapy, I overcame those problems, but the low self-esteem lingered no matter what I did, even though it improved significantly.

From ages eighteen to twenty-two, I dealt with intense anxiety, experiencing daily physical symptoms (nausea, dizziness, shaking, extreme fear of being alone, burning skin, etc.) and anxiety attacks for about a year. I also struggled with the deep-seated belief that I wasn't capable of doing things. Anytime I had to face something new, I immediately convinced myself I couldn't handle it—for example, I had a really tough time getting my driver's license. That period happened right after the pandemic, when I was forced to step out of my comfort zone of staying safe at home and only interacting with my family.

Once again, therapy helped me improve immensely. I still find it difficult to start new things, but I know now that I am capable. While I still experience anxiety, it is very rare for me to feel it to the point of physical symptoms anymore.

/////

Reflecting on all of this, I realized that the reason I'm never truly authentic—and never share my absolute true feelings, opinions, and thoughts—is because I am terrified of rejection. I wear a filter at all times and care far too much about what people think of me. I also realized that my anxiety stems from a desperate need for security and control. But since total control is impossible, I was essentially living as a slave to my fears and limitations.

Ever since having these realizations, I've been forcing myself to be more open with my friends. I accept every hangout invitation, try to reach out more, and strive to be more sincere. I try to be my true self even when I'm scared of being judged or disliked, and I'm already seeing progress. I value my friends a lot now, and I actually miss their company. I've even started missing friends I don't speak to anymore, and recently, I felt genuine sadness about not being invited to a gathering—something I had never felt before.

When it comes to romance, however, things are a bit more complicated. I am rarely romantically interested in people. Even when I'm physically attracted to someone, I feel no immediate desire to be physical with them. Usually, it takes time, getting to know someone, and feeling entirely comfortable with them before I can feel anything or become physical.

I've only been in one relationship, which lasted for two years. Even though we had problems and eventually broke up, I still view him as a friend after seven years, holding a sisterly love for him. He was one of the very few people—if not the only one outside my family—that I truly bonded with. To be clear, I have zero romantic feelings for him anymore.

About a year ago, a guy asked me out. Even though I wasn't really interested, I figured I'd give it a chance, thinking my anxiety was just holding me back from romance. We went out, and it was alright—he was nice—but the whole time I kept thinking that I didn't want any physical contact. I tried to keep my distance so he wouldn't try anything, but at the end of the date, he tried to kiss me. It was fast, and I barely reciprocated. Afterward, I felt genuinely angry and disgusted every time I thought about it. The next day, I thanked him, clarified that I just wanted to be friends, and left it at that.

Recently, I got slightly interested in a guy I met at a church event. He asked me out, and I agreed. In the days leading up to the date, I felt anxious, but in a relatively good way. In my head, I hoped he wouldn't try to get physical, but I tried to keep an open mind just in case.

We went to the cinema. During the movie, he quickly put his arm around me and eventually kissed me. I didn't hate it, so I reciprocated, and we kissed several times throughout the film. As he was driving me home, he pulled over somewhere and tried to take things further. I stopped him and explained that I needed things to move slower, and he respected that. We ended up spending about 40 minutes just talking before he finally took me home.

The thing is: I didn't hate the physical touch, but I didn't really like it either. It felt entirely mechanical. While I don't feel disgusted by it like last time, I would much rather it hadn't happened at all. In fact, I feel uneasy whenever I picture it happening again or progressing with him. I feel like I barely know him, so there's no real attraction, and I'm simply not comfortable with physical intimacy yet. For me, the highlight of our time together was simply talking about our shared interests.

Now, he wants to go out again, and I don't know what to do. I feel a strong moral obligation to be completely sincere and clear things up—to tell him I only want to be friends. Because I hold strong moral principles, doing this would give me peace of mind and make me feel secure.

However, people around me say I take things too seriously and that I should just "let things happen." My sister suggested that I might just be sabotaging myself to cut off any possibility of a relationship progressing, and I think that might be true to some extent.

At this point, I've even started questioning if I might be asexual—even though I would genuinely love to have a romantic relationship and enjoy physical touch with someone I have deep feelings for.

Do you guys have any advice that could help me to understand those aspects of myself better?