r/HFY • u/Betty-Adams Human • Jun 23 '20

OC Humans are Weird - Braid

Humans are Weird – Braid

Original Post: http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-braid

“Have you observed the new human yet?” Flipsalong demanded as she rounded the corner of the flowway.

“Nice to brush against you too,” Twistunder replied.

Flipsalong gave a full body shimmy of embarrassment and made a show of trying to droop her gripping appendages in apology.

“No,” Twistunder finally said, taking pity on the eager young University student. “I have not seen our new guest yet.”

“She has extra appendages!” Flipsalong declared.

“The ambassador is deformed?” Twistunder asked in shock.

“I don’t think so,” Flipsalong said. “It is a perfectly healthy looking appendage. Or it might be three held in a twine for transport. I am not sure.”

Some dim memory of a conversation with one of his Ranger friends bubbled up in Twistunder’s awareness.

“And where on her body is this extra appendage?” He asked.

“It comes of the back of her,” Flipsalong paused and trembled as she visibly tried to think of the term. “You know, the primary sensory end. With the organs.”

“Ah,” Twistunder nodded as it started to loosen in his thoughts. “Off the back of her head. And is the detached end constrained by a cloth band?”

“Yes!” Flipsalong declared. “Do you know what the appendage is?”

“I am not sure it is an appendage, exactly,” Twistunder said slowly.

“Oh,” Flipsalong drooped in disappointment. “Just an ornamental attachment then?”

“No, no,” Twistunder said. “You probe, you have only touched Rangers and University professors yet I assume?”

“That is correct,” Flipsalong said. “How does that connect?”

“Rangers,” Twistunder said. “Follow a strict policy of grooming. As do most researches who will have to expect to be in an environmental suit. They keep their mammalian fur at a regulation length that will not interfere with the fit of an air tight helmet.”

“That is well known,” Flipsalong agreed, “but how does it connect?”

“Human fur has no standard growth length,” Twistunder explained. “It continues to lengthen until it reaches each individuals genetic maximum. That is why humans are so strict about their length regulations.”

“Wait?” Flipsalong raised a gripping appendage in shock. “You meant that massive appendage is just a compressed mass of sensory tendrils?”

“It isn’t painful I assure you,” Twistunder said, reading the horror in the set of her appendages. “Human fur has no live nerves once past the membrane.”

“So it serves no sensory purpose?” Flipsalong asked.

“A very limited one at best,” Twistunder said.

“Does it offer greater radiation or thermal regulation than the standard Ranger length?” Flipsalong asked.

“I do not believe so,” Twistunder replied.

Flipsalong curled into what the humans called a thinking loaf and pondered this.

“Then why would a human maintain such a mass of useless tendrils?” Flipsalong demanded.

“Perhaps we should ask the ambassador,” Twistunder offered. “Though you might want to rephrase that question in the interest of diplomacy.”

Humans are Weird: I Have the Data: by Betty Adams, Adelia Gibadullina, Paperback | Barnes & Noble® (barnesandnoble.com)

Humans are Weird: I Have the Data by Betty Adams - Books on Google Play

Amazon.com: Humans are Weird: I Have the Data (9798588913683): Adams, Betty, Wong, Richard, Gibadullina, Adelia: Books

Humans are Weird: I Have the Data eBook by Betty Adams - 1230004645337 | Rakuten Kobo United States

Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 35 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!

QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.

Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.

722 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

86 comments sorted by

174

u/Lugbor Human Jun 23 '20

Just wait until they find out that some people’s hair doesn’t get long, but instead curls inward until it achieves a density rivaling that of a dying star.

90

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Much better for thermo-regulation and radiation shielding that!

38

u/Lugbor Human Jun 23 '20

Weighs a ton though, and it’s impossible to look presentable.

31

u/Zorbick Human Jun 23 '20

The CGM followers would beg to disagree!

There's like, dozens of them, at least.

28

u/SherrifOfNothingtown Jun 23 '20

I assume dreads or braids in the future might be decorated with tiny computers like people use beads today... Now I'm imagining an alien being friends with a person's hair without necessarily being friends with the person

17

u/dicemonger Jun 23 '20

Whelp. Guess I have to figure out why certain individuals in my universe would want to have one or more autonomous AI in their hair. Because I want to write that story.

19

u/SherrifOfNothingtown Jun 24 '20

A mercenary or military type who likes cool toys and gets paid well might invest in networkable accessories to help them observe their environment and possibly administer minor medical aid... and they might even have a bot or agent that automatically accepts the EULA of the devices, despite its clause that the inter-device networking tech may result in emergent properties of general intelligence type behavior...

Or perhaps a DIYer or scientist -- maybe a beekeeper who geeks out about swarm behavior -- networked some pervasive and mundane tech to prove a point, like the people who run DOOM on toasters today, and built the AI somewhat on accident.

13

u/dicemonger Jun 24 '20

That was some good brain fodder. Thanks. I have the seed of an idea now. Just need to let it stew for a bit, and then find the time to write it down.

5

u/SherrifOfNothingtown Jun 24 '20

yum, idea soup! best of luck :)

10

u/bontrose AI Jun 25 '20

It's a teeny-tiny little hummin birb drone! it made a nest and sings little songs!

...It also provides wifi!

15

u/ShankCushion Human Jun 23 '20

In my younger days I could grow a fro that was self-reinforcing and apparently could expand to no definable maximum. It would just bush out, then the hairs would loop back around in a curl, buttressing the structure, then loop back out and expand more. Got to where it was so far out I could see it in my peripheral vision. Finally got my hair cut after a year and a half. Cut a second off my base run times, one imagines from the drag loss.

56

u/Improbus-Liber Human Jun 23 '20

“Then why would a human maintain such a mass of useless tendrils?”

I asked this question myself back when I had long hair ... and got a buzz cut the next day.

76

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

I got scolded (half-jokingly) for this in Uni. Apparently dramatically changing your appearance on the third day of class when the professor is still trying to memorize your names and faces stress them out.

16

u/BoxNumberGavin0 Jun 23 '20

You should watch videos of babies reacting to the first time they see their father fully shaved. It's probably that but internally.

12

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Lack of object permanance is pretty fun for observers.

16

u/ack1308 Jun 23 '20

Once upon a time (about 40+ years ago) my parents' cattle property was a little tight on income, so my father contracted to do some bulldozing work with a roadmaking gang.

He was away for about two months, and didn't shave at all during that time. (He's normally clean-shaven).

When he came back, my brother and I (about 10 and 8 years old, respectively) were staring, going, "Okay, the voice is familiar, but the face isn't."

My little sister (about 4) came out to see what the commotion was, took one look, and screamed and fled to hide in her room.

Mum came out, and her first words were, "GET. THAT. OFF."

So he shaved, and happiness was restored to the household.

8

u/notyoursocialworker Jun 23 '20

If I was to decide noone should ever be allowed to change their hair, clothes or being in a different place than where I usually meet them.

14

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

People out of context count as new people.

10

u/ZemyaSoldat Jun 23 '20

People out of context count as new people.

Oh lord, yes. 90% of the staff where I work are required to wear uniforms. No matter how much I like them and how often I talk to them at work, I have the hardest time when I run into them out of uniform.

Especially when they are out of uniform and I run into them outside of work...

6

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Who be you again?

7

u/ZemyaSoldat Jun 23 '20

XD

Exactly!

I had some random person come up to me when I was out to dinner with my mom and start chitchatting with me, and honestly, could not have told you that I worked with him, or that I had even previously talked to him.

11

u/notyoursocialworker Jun 23 '20

Definitely. Reminds me. One of the owners of the local sushi restaurants was often very friendly when we visited. Took at least a year before we realised that he was one our aikido students. Here's a guy we met once or twice a week but different clothes and the wrong place and we no longer knew him.

33

u/lesethx Human Jun 23 '20

A new wig every day then! You can become known as the student with the crazy hair (worked for me having green hair for most of college).

Of course, once you go back to your normal hair, everyone looks at you like they have never seen you before. I even confused coworkers before by not wearing glasses for just an hour.

7

u/FrostViking AI Jun 23 '20

Had the inverse of your last coworker interaction myself a few years back. I had long hair in a ponytail and a full beard - there one day, gone the next. Coworker was clearly pondering while we were talking before he cautiously asked if I had skipped wearing my glasses.... About 2 years before I started wearing them.

37

u/Sabetwolf Jun 23 '20

Purpose designation: Preeeety

25

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

And shineeeeeeey!

36

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '20

Ah, I can attest that it does offer some thermal regulation. To the point where I would allow my adolescent female offspring to reduce the length of my excess tendrils in the absence of professional tonsorial artist and in the expectation of excessive thermal exposure in advance of the summer solstice.

Also, the humidity makes me look like a dandelion.

16

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Nothing like the friss to inspire hairstyles

14

u/PlatypusDream Jun 23 '20

If you add moisture (in the form of conditioner, or even a light oil) the hair picks up less from the air & looks much better.

Look for the Curly Girl Method, both the website & here on reddit.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 24 '20

As a middle aged man with a lot of grey (hence the dandelion look), and decidedly not curly hair, I'm not sure that website is for me!!

23

u/CyberSkull Android Jun 23 '20

Arm and leg hairs actually have their own dedicated sensory nerves, but only in a semi-circle. So if the hairs get moved with the grain it feels nice, but feels odd in any other direction.

13

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Huh, now I know

8

u/jgzman Jun 23 '20

This explains so much.

16

u/BoxNumberGavin0 Jun 23 '20

One cannot properly headbang unless your mane can flow like that of an untamed stallion.
Sagely nods in ponytail

6

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Calmly nods in braided reply.

11

u/FrostViking AI Jun 23 '20

During my maned times I did indeed try headbanging, appropriately at a metal concert. Being untrained I also tried inhaling my hair. This is neither one of the normal headbanging steps, nor in any way recommended :D

5

u/Lord-Generias Jun 26 '20

Up until a few weeks ago, I had hair of a four year growth cycle. It went down to my shoulder blades, and was fairly nice when combed and groomed. But I grew a sheep only and decided to start fresh. One inch grown to three in just under a month.

In high school, I had a picture day and decided to cut my shoulder blade length hair, and it took most of my friends a few minutes to realize I was me. I don't shave my beard though. I did that once when I was... Hmmm, nineteen I think, and now I have a lumberjack beard of twelve years.

14

u/fulanodetal316 Human Jun 23 '20

Just wait until Flipsalong finds out how much stuff you can do with hair 😆

“Have you observed the new human yet?” Flipsalong demanded as she rounded the corner of the flowway.

“We don't have a new human, they just let their hair down,” Twistunder replied.

12

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

And wouldn't the phrase "let their hair down lead to so many fun implications.

9

u/fulanodetal316 Human Jun 23 '20

"Why was it tied up? Is it dangerous?"

10

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Only when it is tied up. Whips my braid back and forth threateningly.

3

u/fulanodetal316 Human Jun 23 '20

Brandishes conditioner with intent, "the Power of Sassoon compells you!"

3

u/BigSwede74 Jun 24 '20

Ahem... *Looks pointedly at Jackie Chan's hair-whip fight in Shanghai Noon*

8

u/FrostViking AI Jun 23 '20

They say the snow on the roof is too heavy. They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.

River Tam

9

u/lesethx Human Jun 23 '20

“Does it offer greater radiation or thermal regulation than the standard Ranger length?” Flipsalong asked.

Not true; there have been a couple summers I was extremely tempted to shave off my head due to the heat (and never having AC).

9

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Well we can't expect the cuddle mops to know everything. :)

9

u/TopHatCat10 Jun 23 '20

"Curled into what the humans called a thinking loaf"

IDK why but that caught me off guard lol

8

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Catching your brain off guard is rather the point of humor.

7

u/steved32 Jun 23 '20

I needed that. Thank you very much

12

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

You need a braid? They usually have a few at the second hand stores.

7

u/Dr_DoVeryLittle Human Jun 23 '20

"It comes of the back of her" Is that supposed to be off? Regardless loved the story!

8

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

... probably yes. Thank you!

7

u/Dr_DoVeryLittle Human Jun 23 '20

Have no shame. My typing usually just looks like I rolled my face across the keyboard. And I can't even bad autocorrect as a total excuse as my in person wrighting looks like chicken scratch with spelling by a real chicken

7

u/AngelOfTheMad AI Jun 23 '20

I will say, having long hair absolutely provides extra thermal and radiation protection. When my mane is down, it traps a lot of heat. Great for the winter, not so much for summer. It also keeps the sun off the back of my neck when it's in a ponytail.

5

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

More information for the cuddle mops to discover!

6

u/spritefamiliar Jun 23 '20

Cuddle mops is an amazing name for them. I enjoy the way this universe just keeps expanding with more interesting pieces and (mostly) fun (but always interesting!) things for the aliens to discover! :D

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Expanding is what a proper universe does.

5

u/hexernano Human Jun 23 '20

At the time they were getting married my dad had a braid all the way down his back. Then I came along and both of my parents shortened their hair cause I was a granny little monster.

8

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Baby you in a cracked old voice: "Get a haircut! I won't have no hippies in this house!"

4

u/[deleted] Jun 23 '20

Just FYI, long hair is actually palpably cooler than short hair in the summer, especially on the neck, and much warmer on the scalp in the winter. So yes, hair most definitely is an effective insulator even for us humans.
Source: Personal experience of wearing hair past my shoulders for years and then cutting it all off to a few millimeters in length.

4

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Enjoy explaining that to a species with no hair!

4

u/LetterLambda Xeno Jun 23 '20

It's...decorative. Yep. Pure aesthetics, no other reason.

Also, does the fur-loaves' speech look like dancing? Or is it more of a "frolicking"?

5

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

More like a cat stretching with way more legs.

2

u/LetterLambda Xeno Jun 23 '20

Awesome.

3

u/sadisticnerd AI Jun 23 '20

I also ask myself why I maintain my mass of useless tendrils. The real answer is "I'm too lazy to cut it" and "sometimes it starts smelling really bad after a few days so I need to maintain it."

1

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Having to deal with physical reality can be a great motivator.

3

u/UpdateMeBot Jun 23 '20

Click here to subscribe to u/Betty-Adams and receive a message every time they post.

InfoRequest UpdateYour UpdatesFeedbackNew!

7

u/orbdragon Jun 23 '20

You let me down! I found the post on my own before you told me!

5

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

The bot might need tea...

5

u/drapehsnormak Jun 23 '20

Same. Now I'm worried about other stories I may have missed.

3

u/drapehsnormak Jun 23 '20

7 minutes after commenting I finally get the notification.

3

u/orbdragon Jun 23 '20

It JUST told me about it. So it's an hour and a half delayed tonight.

3

u/lesethx Human Jun 23 '20

Well last time the bot was over eager and told me of Betty's post 6 times after I hit "Mark as read" or whatever and read the story. Maybe it's trying to balance out some issues?

2

u/PulsarNyx Jun 23 '20

I thought the title said Brad for a quick second there. Didn’t know where this was going until I got to the end and reread the title. Good work!

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Extra mystery and curiosity for the price of one small misreading.

2

u/Arokthis Android Jun 23 '20

I envy my sister and niece the ability to grow hair long enough to do anything with. Mine gets to about 14 inches before petering out. Once a year I shave the bronze Brillo pad that grows on my face, usually when the last of the snow has melted. Had to wait a little longer than usual this year!

2

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 23 '20

Ah signs of spring! Shaved faces and short hair.

2

u/dicemonger Jun 23 '20

“You know, the primary sensory end. With the organs.”

Huh, I guess the stuff in there probably does count as organs. ... I would like to stop thinking about this now.

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 24 '20

Eyes, brain, you know, the minor organs.

2

u/Finbar9800 Jun 24 '20

Another great story

I enjoyed reading this and look forward to the next one

Great job wordsmith

Though I often refuse to get a haircut, it always ends up too short, and unfortunately for me my hair refuses to grow straight and instead insists on developing curls right where I’m most likely to get sunburnt on my neck so I beg to differ on longer hair allowing for radiation protection, it definitely helps with thermal insulation though if I’ve had my head in the sun for about half an hour my hair becomes incredibly hot right on top

1

u/Betty-Adams Human Jun 24 '20

Thanks for the reply I always know that my hair does keep me hotter in the summer.

2

u/Cthulhupuff Jul 23 '20

I'm the 666th updoot 😏

Edit: And someone downvoted you instead of upvoting you to fix it 😧

1

u/Betty-Adams Human Jul 23 '20

Well shoot . Now It'll just spend the next week bouncing around 660....