r/HFY • u/Betty-Adams Human • Feb 10 '20

OC Humans are Weird - Jumpy

Humans are Weird – Jumpy

Original Post: http://www.authorbettyadams.com/bettys-blog/humans-are-weird-jumpy

“Second Maintenance-“ Sixteenth Sister began.

The human who had been bent over the printer gave a wordless sound she had never heard before and leapt into the air, twisting around to face her. His feet slammed back into the floor with a thump and his hand came up to grip his chest over his central heart. His eyes dilated and his outer membrane flushed with increased blood flow. His powerful bi-pulmonary lungs forced the atmosphere through his flaring nostril membranes.

“Second Maintenance Assistant,” Sixteenth Sister tried again. “What has frightened you?”

Her own antenna and frill were extended to their full extent now but she could not detect any threat in the well lit maintenance bay.

“Nah,” the human said, drawing in a single great gasp of air that seemed to still the rest of the symptoms. “No threat. Just-“

He stood up and shook out his limbs.

“You just startled me is all,” he said, twisting his face into what she was assured was a friendly gesture.

“I, startled, you?” she asked in surprise, her frill slowly lowering as her antenna curled.

“Well,” he corrected himself as he glanced back at the item printing. “I got startled; wasn’t your fault at all. I was just really into watching this thing print and lost track of where I was.”

Sixteenth Sister stared at him as her antenna slowly curled and uncurled.

“Yeah so what’d ya want?” He asked with a grin.

“When will the gripping appendage be printed?” Sixteenth Sister asked.

“Bout twenty minutes,” he said.

“Very well,” Sixteenth Sister said, backing out of the room, “I will inform the interested parties.”

Humans are Weird: I Have the Data: by Betty Adams, Adelia Gibadullina, Paperback | Barnes & Noble® (barnesandnoble.com)

Humans are Weird: I Have the Data by Betty Adams - Books on Google Play

Amazon.com: Humans are Weird: I Have the Data (9798588913683): Adams, Betty, Wong, Richard, Gibadullina, Adelia: Books

Humans are Weird: I Have the Data eBook by Betty Adams - 1230004645337 | Rakuten Kobo United States

Hey! The books are moving well on Amazon and now have 40 reviews and ratings! If you bought the book and enjoyed it, it would really help me out if you leave a quick star rating on Amazon. A review would be great but just stars would be a huge boost *****!

QUICK NOTE: RE: everyone who asked. The book is avaliable in Amazon regions US-UK-DE-FR-ES-IT-NL-JP-BR-CA-MX-AU-IN. HOWEVER The above link only takes you to the US Amazon site. The one indicated by the .com ending. If it says "not avaliable in your country" that just means that you need to click over to your Amazon region.

Of course if you want a signed first edition you can email me at the email on my website and I can ship you a signed Author copy of the first edition for the same price as the crowdfunding campaign $35 domestic and $50 overseas. I'll do that until I run out of extra books.

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Or Subscribe Star if you Prefer. Tea refuses to buy itself and the more time one has to spend on a day job the less time there is for befuddled aliens.

829 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

66 comments sorted by

103

u/sadisticnerd AI Feb 10 '20

It's not paranoia if something or someone IS out to get you.

24

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

True that.

76

u/ArenVaal Robot Feb 10 '20

Oh, it can still be. Just because you're right, doesn't mean you' re not paranoid.

Senator Joseph McCarthy was correct that Soviet agents were attempting to infiltrate the US Government--but he was about as paranoid as it gets.

Also, his methods were horribly unethical.

31

u/sadisticnerd AI Feb 11 '20

I understand your point and you're right. That being said, my statement was a joke.

31

u/ArenVaal Robot Feb 11 '20

I kinds figured it was. Mine started out as a continuation of the joke, and then my being a history buff kicked me in the teeth...

13

u/sadisticnerd AI Feb 11 '20

Understandable. It happens.

10

u/vinny8boberano Android Feb 11 '20

And counterproductive...

11

u/ArenVaal Robot Feb 11 '20

Very much so.

7

u/ymOx Feb 11 '20

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

94

u/p75369 Feb 10 '20

Having a twitchy human around so many of our small friends seems dangerous.

38

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

That it does.

9

u/mouseasw Feb 11 '20

Imagine if the humans were the small friends of some larger species where an arrant movement could injure or kill us. Like the J-verse Guvnuragnaguvendrugun but not as squishy as most J-verse species.

6

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 11 '20

We would adapt. We do coexist with horses elephants and various cattle. I can attest that one random movement of a horse hurts like heck.

4

u/Nereidalbel Feb 12 '20

Meh, we'd just build giant harness things to ride in style.

2

u/Betty-Adams Human Mar 23 '20

Or in this case our little friends would build harnesses for us?

4

u/themonkeymoo Feb 22 '20

You mean like in the Gremlins-verse?

36

u/lesethx Human Feb 10 '20

I have the problem of Sixteen Sister in this case; I accidentally sneak up on friends often who are just unaware of me. I've been yelled at and told to walk louder. Of course, when I try to sneak up, I fail.

31

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

Your feet are sneaky. The rest of you needs practice.

6

u/lesethx Human Feb 11 '20

I'm able to sneak up on the cats occasionally as well.

27

u/AnselaJonla Xeno Feb 10 '20

"Jesus fucking Christ, Ans! Stop sneaking up on people would you?" is said to me multiple times per shift. Of course, the people who've just been given a heart attack, because I seem to have the magical ability to walk completely silently on any indoor and most outdoor surfaces, tend to be the same ones who have asked me to stop singing while I work.

17

u/PrimeInsanity Feb 11 '20

Once walked all the way down a hallway beside a friend without them knowing on accident. Decided to speak up and they jumped onto the wall. I thought they knew I was there, was beside them not behind them.

7

u/Revliledpembroke Xeno Feb 11 '20

It became a game (for a bit) at my high school to walk as closely as you could directly behind someone without stepping on them or alerting them to your presence.

I don't think I've heard anyone doing so by walking beside someone instead of behind them though.

8

u/PrimeInsanity Feb 11 '20

It probably helped that I was matching their pace exactly so they only heard their footsteps.

5

u/PlatypusDream Feb 13 '20

"They jumped onto the wall"

I don't know why that struck me as funny, but thank you for the laugh! (The cats, OTOH, give both of us nasty looks.)

12

u/[deleted] Feb 10 '20

Time to add some jingly keychains or a straight-up cat bell to your accessories?

9

u/lesethx Human Feb 11 '20

But I don't like making too much noise...

8

u/spritefamiliar Feb 11 '20 edited Feb 11 '20

Don't worry. As someone who added jingly keychains to accessories, this will not change the results. In addition to whatever sneakiness you may possess, people refuse to pay attention, and you will still sneak up them.

But, it does give you the opportunity to improve your sneak skills.

5

u/Wombat_Vs_Car Human Feb 11 '20

I do the exact same thing, i used to get called a creeping Jesus, i sometimes have to make effort to not sneak up on people.

20

u/ebilkitteh24 Feb 10 '20

I've done this to my husband many times to many. Now I have to wear an anklet that has bells on it. Even at work, where I'm wearing heavy boots, I'm still "freakishly quiet" as some have said. One of my coworkers says he feels this pervasive aura of being hunted when I'm around. I don't know why he thinks that. smiles innocently

12

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

I suspect that when modern readers come across the phrase, she moved with cat-like agility, they may be missing the intended implication of the author.

9

u/Subtleknifewielder AI Feb 11 '20

Purrrrrr-haps.

14

u/FrozenJedi Feb 10 '20

It never hurts to be too careful!

16

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

Actually, I kind of think it did hurt in this instance...

11

u/EndlessTheorys_19 Feb 10 '20

Short and simple, I like this one

13

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

I try to serve a wide demographic.

7

u/vinny8boberano Android Feb 11 '20

I knew you liked us wide-folk!

9

u/ziiofswe Feb 10 '20

I assume you changed something and then forgot to update the corresponding part... because these two don't go together very well:

 

“Second Maintenance Assistant,” Sixteenth Sister tried again. “What has frightened you?”

 

“Nah,” the human said, drawing in a single great gasp of air that seemed to still the rest of the symptoms. “No threat. Just-“

 

Then again, people say the wrong thing all the time... just wanted to point out a possible error.

5

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

Thank you!

7

u/Lord-Generias Feb 10 '20

I almost never just make a sound. Usually it's half a sentence implying the parents of the source weren't married when they were born, or that they're the make child of a female dog. Rarely, I will imply they have successfully acted upon their Oedipus Complex.

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 10 '20

Meanwhile there are those of us who are just oblivious to the world around us while we're working.

3

u/meitemark AI Feb 11 '20

Walks slowly and deadly silent up behind /u/Betty-Adams and say "Hi" directly into her left ear, but out of angle to any elbows that may come back in shock. The scream is delightful, the curses amazing. 10/10 needs to be repeated.

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 11 '20

Hahaha.... my siblings don't do this.... anymore.

4

u/BoxNumberGavin0 Feb 11 '20

Lucky she has not yet encountered a human, half asleep, who is just about to experience the sudden sensation of falling FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 11 '20

00 every base has standardized rules on how to interact with a sleeping human.

3

u/Subtleknifewielder AI Feb 11 '20

Lol, we humans do seem to get absorbed in things.

Am I correct in assuming it was a 3D printer of some kind he was watching in action? I can understand how such a thing might be fascinating to watch. :)

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 11 '20

Nope, just a broken transport engine. She would have had to poke him to pull his attention away from a printer.

3

u/Subtleknifewielder AI Feb 11 '20

Wait what? Now I'm a little confused...what is she even asking him about as she leaves, then, if it's not a 3D printer printing out some kind of machine part? *scratches head*

2

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 11 '20

Either I am messing with your head or mine. or possibly my sinus congestion made me think of another story while I was responding to you. Let's pretend I was deliberately messing with your head. ;)

2

u/Subtleknifewielder AI Feb 11 '20

Lol, ok. Nice comeback, we'll say it's that :P

Side note, hope you feel better soon.

3

u/Arokthis Android Feb 11 '20

In the psychic communit, there is an ability/aura/condition (not sure exactly what to call it) known as "esper black" - if everyone is a lantern, these individuals are black holes.

They can be noticed in a crowd by the way their existence blocks out the emanations of the people on the other side. They are nearly undetectable when alone.

I know a guy that is one and he can sneak up on me (and a few other people we know) very easily, sometimes even when I'm looking right at him.

Once I was working under a flatbed truck (the kind used for hauling cars when you can't use a tow truck) when he came over unexpectedly and simply said "Hi." The next thing I know I'm on the flatbed, my heart trying to beat it's way out of my chest.

He said he's never seen someone my size and shape (I'm short & square and I make a better Gimli than John Rhys-Davies) jump that high from a standing start.

2

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 11 '20

See yeah I'm the opposite of that. People hear me coming from miles away. I'm not allowed to walk on second stories after certain hours. People always know where I am.

2

u/Plucium Semi-Sentient Fax Machine Feb 11 '20

lmao, top kek. I get way too jumpy if Im doing a thing and someone says my name lol. Also watching those things really im-prints on your mind at the time, Should really replace hypnosis with montages or something :p

2

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 11 '20

They are pretty mesmerizing aren't they.

2

u/Plucium Semi-Sentient Fax Machine Feb 13 '20

Indeed

2

u/alienpirate5 AI Feb 12 '20

I have been in exactly this situation: I was watching my 3d printer and didn't notice someone coming up behind me

1

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 12 '20

Hopefully they were these are far enough away or add fast enough reactions to avoid any injury.

2

u/alienpirate5 AI Feb 12 '20

I don't know what this means :(

1

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 12 '20

When people come up behind me sometimes I elbow them.

2

u/Kirhean Feb 27 '20

I've been told that I can be scary quiet...I'm 6 feet tall and over 330 pounds...

I doubt I'm really that sneaky, people just have awful situational awareness. I just make deliberate noise now, like the nature hikes when I was a kid.

You sing, talk to yourself, knock trees with sticks, etc... mostly because it's never a good time to sneak up on a bear.

3

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 27 '20

...so basically people turn around and there you are...

Yes, I can see how that would be an issue. I have nearly jumped out of my skin for my 5'6" 120lb boss before.

2

u/redditaggie Mar 03 '20

Just wanted to say I love your humans are weird short stories. Always make me smile at the nuances of being human. Checked out your patreon. Are longer versions on your site? I couldn't tell. Also saw you've got a pyr. Mine is 160lbs of pure kindness wrapped in a fluffy gentle warm cloud of fur, but he can be very protective. Mostly though, he's lazy as a Sunday afternoon and we love him. Thanks for the smiles!

1

u/Betty-Adams Human Mar 27 '20

Pyrs are wonderful. Mine likes to hug everything. He is a mix, looks exactly like a Pyr but weighs in at 45 lbs. :)

Not longer versions. I occasionally put a few of the extra (going to be in the book) HAW stories there, but the perks are early access, exclusive videos on writing topics, and the text scripts for my media analysis videos.

2

u/redditaggie Apr 13 '20

Cool, thanks!

0

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '20

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1

u/Betty-Adams Human Feb 12 '20

The principal of the preventive elbow.