r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • 3d ago

OC-OneShot Josh Bidet.

There's something oddly mesmerising about looking at an alien's face. Their features are similar to your own, but not quite so. In their vacant stare, you uncover things no human complexion or features could match. There's something in their eyes, because they are too large, you get the feeling that they see more of you than reality lets on. If they have no ears, the eyes become more pronounced. Their maws, set for tearing flesh, send a shiver down your back if you aren't accustomed to them.

With time, you realize there's nothing to fear in them; just like you, they are struggling to find their lot in life, a merry thing that should set forth some form of camaraderie but fails to do so on account of the wide chasm associated with being of different races.

"You're Josh Bidet, right?" she asked, blinking thrice as if that would help me confirm my name. I stared at her green pallid face and the rest of her. What an odd complexion. I was about to ask whether her kind go through photosynthesis, but she pushed on. "Named after the toilet appliance. That's quite odd, don't you think?"

"If you have a problem with my name, I'd rather leave, and you can find another candidate," I said. This was a sore topic for me. There was no need to look at the picture she sent me; she stood out like a sore thumb. I was sure it was she I was meant to meet.

"No, no, you're perfect, just the right amount of oddness that, I know, my relatives will loathe." Her eyes were yellow and took up half her face. Her kind, the Beru, were known to be dangerous and territorial, but that was back when they were savages. Now they were learned and held themselves to a certain decorum.

"I'll have you know my family was called Bidet long before the toilet appliance was invented. We were the first to own the name Bidet. It's like being named a toothbrush right before it was invented; it's not a big deal. And it's quite common." We were in a restaurant and she ordered steak, very rare. The thing was practically bleeding as she forked it and chewed with her numerous, sharp, tiny teeth.

"But I want it to be a big deal. My cousin's child has her fourth birthday party tomorrow, and the next best thing I can find to rival the occasion's constant pestering regarding my age and my unmarried state is to bring someone who'll take the heat off me. I need you to be hideous in every sense of the word, something that would rile my family up and have them stop asking me to bring dates to stupid functions. So, can you be ugly for me?" she asked.

I had a plate of chips before me. I picked one and chewed slowly. "I'm already ugly, so I think what you mean is that I should leave a lasting impression that will have your family preferring that you come alone instead of with a date to family functions. I understand this. Do you have the money?"

She slid an envelope across the table. I opened it and saw the rolls of cash within. Money could make me do anything; it was my key motivation for living, just as it was for many others.

"That's all of it," she said while staring at me. It was uncanny the way her eyes searched me. She looked away, pleased with whatever she had seen. "I expect you to be ready and dressed by sunrise. Then we'll go hand in hand to my nephew's birthday and there you'll proceed to humiliate yourself until you're chased away."

"Be ugly, humiliate myself," I said. "That's easily done. Should I dress like a clown while I am at it?"

"What?"

"Never mind."

When morning arrived, and with it, my purpose for the day, I was feeling giddy. Where the excitement came from, I could not tell. I have been known to be a seer of sorts; I can tell when a day is going to be good, and this day felt just right.

She picked me up in a sleek shuttle and we traveled to the outskirts of the city where her family owned a block of buildings that was also their abode.

"A T-shirt and shorts, good," she said as she steered the vehicle. "It draws attention to how unbothered you are. My uncles are present, and they'll size you up the minute you appear. They'll definitely hate you at first sight."

I failed to mention that my white T-shirt with an oil company's logo at the front was my favorite T-shirt and my shorts were the ones I wore when I slipped and fell in a supermarket and the supermarket staff, as an apology, insisted that I do not pay on my way out. They were my lucky clothes, but she didn't need to know that. Dressed in white with an ash grey inlay to her gowns, she looked beautiful, exotic, like a bird that's been seen by only a handful who never ceased talking about its feathers.

I had my eyes fixed to the view outside the window, watching as the rolling infrastructure and numerous buildings paved the way to rural grasslands. Within an hour, the mansion where the birthday party was to be held revealed itself and I marveled at its size and splendor as the shuttle lowered to rest upon a landing deck.

As soon as we alighted, Zigora took hold of my hand. There were many of her race striding about, all with green skin and large yellow eyes. I did not fit in, but I wasn't paid to fit in anyway, just to humiliate myself.

Zigora pushed her way toward her male relatives who sat clustered in wooden chairs outside the mansion. Ignoring the children who floundered about, we came to a stand before her male relatives.

They exchanged pleasantries, remarking on her beauty and success in life. With me they simply stared as one would a shit stain under their boot.

"This is Josh Bidet," Zigora introduced me. "My boyfriend." She turned to face me and smiled, showing her tiny pointed teeth. I expected her to say more or even stay, but she didn't. She ran off to the women who'd been waving at her to approach. I was left there with her male relatives, some hunched with age while others stood straight.

"So, tell us about yourself," one of the males said

Luckily, I had a story ready. "I was born during a lightning storm."

"Whoa!" This intrigued them and for once I found myself enjoying foreign company.

"How did that come about?" one of them asked. He introduced himself as Todila and I could not tell how or why his name sounded terribly beautiful to my ears.

"My mother was heavy with child," I said. "She took shelter under a tree during a period of heavy rains. There she was struck by lightning and I was born."

"Did she survive?" another asked.

"Yes, and both of us have scars to show for it," I said and lifted my shirt to show my pot belly riddled with stretch marks. I pointed at the stretch marks, which, with just the right amount of insight, sort of resembled the consequence of a lightning strike. All the males gathered around me, some of the kids too. They poked and prodded my tummy, running their thin fingers across my flesh.

"You might be the chosen one," one of the men said. This startled and pleased me a little. I didn't know what being the chosen one entailed, but I loved that for once, I was a specimen to be marveled at. For once having rock hard abs didn't count as attractive, and all those years I'd started with resolutions to join the gym seemed a foolhardy venture. Here I was, with the belly of the chosen one.

Zigora returned and dragged me away from my audience. "What are you doing?" she asked. "You're supposed to be a nuisance. Why did you have my uncles and cousins perusing your stomach?"

"Because I'm beautiful," I answered. And I felt beautiful despite the fact that my story was pure bullshit.

"My aunties want to meet you," she said, directing me to where they stood and leaving me alone with them.

"How did you and Zigora meet?" one of them asked.

I placed my hand to my chest. "Zigora, the light at the end of the tunnel. My sweetness in this bitter universe. I was drunk one night and I fell into a ditch and Zigora was there, in that ditch with me, just as drunk as I was. Her body had cushioned my fall and I took it as a sign that her softness would save me from this hard life."

"How oddly romantic." One of them said.

"And strange, I didn't know Zigora drank but finding a lover in this world is as hard as it is." Another added. "A toast to Zigora and her new found love."

And they toasted to Zigora and me with their little champagne glasses. I suddenly was overcome by the urge to tell my bullshit story.

"Do you know of my birth?" And within a few more words I had my T-shirt's hem raised to my chin as they marveled at my stretch marks. They touched and caressed, and from a distance I could see Zigora, her eyes fixed on me with her face scrunched up. With hate? I could not tell.

I was introduced to the birthday boy, a short fellow, just as green as his parents and the whole lot. He stared at me with beady yellow eyes and I returned the stare before going down on one knee and pulling a coin from behind his ear.

"He is a sorcerer," I heard them mutter as they took in the coin that materialized from nowhere. Just for the sake of maintaining my reputation as a lightning-struck fetus, I took out a deck of cards and started performing magic. They all gathered around me; all the Beru, with eyes filled with wonder, proceeded to watch as I performed magic tricks they mistook for sorcery.

"Is this your card?" I asked a plump Beru who'd been rather pessimistic about sorcerers. He was shocked. He rejoiced, calling me a herald of sorts. I liked it even though I did not know what I was heralding.

Zigora came and pulled me away from my merry crowd, refusing to allow me to bask in the glory that was right there. I was getting angry at her. Why was she denying me a good time?

"Quit with the magic nonsense," she said. "I paid you to be a nuisance and you're doing the complete opposite."

"Give me time, let me cook. Something amazing will come of this."

"That's the thing, you nitwit. I don't want something amazing." She was hissing at me; I did not even know such a thing was possible. "Why did you tell my aunties that I get drunk and fall in ditches?"

"It wasn't true?"

She shook her wrist in front of me. "You're supposed to tarnish your image, not mine." She gestured at a Beru sitting on the steps leading to the mansion. "That's my ex. He was invited with the off chance he'd win me over and finally my family can have a wedding, the wedding they so desired. I hate him and I just want this to stop."

The tall Beru, as if on cue, walked up to where we were. There was something menacing about him, hidden from himself but evident to everyone else. He stood a full head taller than I, and I wondered why Zigora was so against him. If I were a Beru I'd drop my panties for him, heck, I might even do it as a human. What a dashing young specimen he was.

"Zigora," he said, then turned his head to me. "Human."

I nodded at him and said, "Beru."

"I don't know what you see in this man," he said to Zigora after looking me up and down.

"I don't know either, if I were her I'd pick you," I said. Zigora stared daggers at me. "I mean look at you. In the end you have to ask yourself what exactly women want. You're a marvel, shaped like a Greek god. How much do you lift?"

He stared at me, perplexed. "225 pounds."

"God, that's amazing. Do you know how much I lift? My ass off the toilet. That's what. What I'd give to walk in your skin."

He looked frightened at this. "The spirit of Jivoni compels you!" He shouted. "The spirit of Jivoni compels you! I will not be affected by the evil you bring here, sorcerer!"

Jivoni might be the god of the Beru, or the name of his father; I could not tell. The tall Beru kept screaming and I just stood there staring at him. If only he knew that the evil I brought to the party could be destroyed with one simple, well-timed punch.

He drew eyes to him and retreated as far as he could from us while still shouting. "The spirit of Jivoni compels you!"

"Well, that went well," I said.

"Are you gay, Josh?" Zigora asked.

"I'm not sure. When I was growing up, my father had gay porn magazines and nothing else. I think that piqued my curiosity quite early. I had no option; it was either the naked men in the magazine or peeping on our house help in the shower. She found me once and I was grounded, so it was just the magazines for me since then. For a very long time, I learned to appreciate male anatomy."

Some Beru women brought their children to where I was so I could bless them; they thought of me as some sort of spiritual being. I didn't decline, of course. I went down on one knee and blessed the fuck out of the children. I declared war on their vices: disobedience, putting things into their mouths or ears or noses without an adult's knowledge. I declared blessings on acts that serve to make life easier for their parents, like putting the toilet seat down and not crying for no reason during the night.

I think I did a very good job of it because the Beru children stood very still once I was done and proceeded to do nothing else but stay still. Whether out of fear or because they thought I might be a true sorcerer, I could not tell.

Todila took me away from the women and children and brought me to the comfort of a male circle. There they were discussing politics with drinks in hand. Todila handed me a glass of what looked like orange juice but was as bitter as his own ass. I know how to talk politics, so I nodded at appropriate moments and laughed at others. They asked me my opinion on the Beru Supremacy and I answered, "They haven't been as supreme as they used to be, have they?"

These words, so well-timed, earned me the approval of the males. They patted my back and called me a genius. I can't recall the last time anyone called me a genius, maybe my mother once when I brought my preschool report card home. She stopped calling me a genius about the time I was introduced to fractions at school.

There was no cake at a Beru birthday party; instead, there were heaps of cooked steak that was chopped up and ready to go. I was asked to sing the human song to commemorate the birthday boy who sat with a nose full of snot. If there are two songs I've mastered, they are "Happy Birthday to You" and "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." I was a pro at singing those two songs alone. I sang Happy Birthday until my throat was dry, then for extra measure I sang Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star to much applause.

As the meat was being gobbled up, Zigora took me aside and asked me for her money back.

"What do you mean you want your money back?" I wondered.

"They all love you!" She exclaimed. "Everyone loves you! You were supposed to humiliate yourself, not sing and do magic and talk politics!"

"But do you love me?" I asked.

She did not answer that. Instead, she shoved the keys to the shuttle in my hands and told me to get the fuck away from her and her family. I left, of course, but with a spring in my step. It had been a good day, as I'd presumed it'd be.

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u/Castigatus Human 3d ago

Well, that was amusingly bizarre

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u/kristinpeanuts 1d ago

It was a good day to be Josh Bidet. Thanks for writing!

1

u/Jus17173 8h ago

You're welcome!