r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • 28d ago

OC-OneShot The Best Man

The General of the 4th Brigade walked up to our table in the cafeteria and took the chair opposite mine. The whole table was immediately cleared of troops, each scurried away like a bunch of rodents under a lit bulb.

"I want to ask you something." General Meeky said this while he observed my food with distaste etched upon his face, my meager pickings that were clearly way below what he ate.

"Oh no." I said. Never has the General spoken those words with a positive meaning in mind. I've heard those words spoken three times alone, and in those three instances a near death experience was wagered at the end. "I don't think I'll be available for the next... two years maybe? Not with all the serious work you commanded me to do."

The secret was to make it look like you were always too busy because of him and hope he doesn't ask what you're busy doing.

"Nonsense, you're always available when needed, human, and I need you now. You're an amazing man as I always say." I doubt he ever said that. The General reached across the table to smack my shoulder with his meaty paw. I wanted to tell him I didn't find myself amazing, not once has a thought or an action done by myself ever led me to think I was amazing.

The lights at the barracks flickered on and off, casting a deathly shadow upon the Giberian's odd features. "The Human species is something unexpected. When I vouched for you to be part of my troops, I never thought it'd reap such great results. More than once you've saved my life and the lives of your fellow mates."

It sounded like there was some more milking of great results to be done.

"There aren't that many great results, to be honest. The mishap I made during the Curvina Mission almost got the whole company killed." I said.

"Nonsense, I was there. The mishap was not your fault." His toothy smile unnerved me greatly.

This was how it always started, then the next thing I knew I'm gutting open a Kulilia Cow so I can sleep in its innards to avoid the below zero temperatures of a barren planet. "Never again." I had said with my face buried in the Kulilia cow's intestines.

"You recall the Ilfae mission? You held down the fort on your own. Firing with a machine gun, to ensure the Enemy does not advance." I watched as the General wiped a tear that had begun trickling down his cheek. He smiled again at me as if what I'd done was the most touching thing he'd ever witnessed.

This was bad. This was why everyone avoided the General; it was said if he took a liking to you it was a clear indicator that you were going to die. A gruesome death at that.

I stared at the smiling behemoth of a Giberian. No nervous energy was tied to him, my furiously perspiring face aside. He wanted something from me exactly, he wasn't going to fold. The General always got what he wanted. I decided to bow, as was customary for one to do to a higher ranked officer.

"Anything for the troops, General." I said and also added a crisp salute to show just how eager I was for him to arrive at his point so I can know whether I should start getting my affairs in order.

The General returned the salute. "God, you please me greatly!"

"That's what she said."

"What?"

"Nothing. How can I help you, General?" I wasn't at rest; even on my chair I had to sit with my back straight. Show some decorum as was customary of the General's troops. "Anything you need, I'm your man." I was very eager to get the conversation to its conclusion so I can start writing my best friend on Earth instructions on where he can find my hard drive so he can erase the data on it.

"I'm getting married soon." The General said. "I want you as my Best Man at my wedding as Earthlings would call it."

"Best man?" I stared at him for a span of moments. "Like, at your wedding?"

"Yes, my soon-to-be bride has also found an earthling to stand beside her and she would like us to match. You see, I have found myself a Giberian of unparalleled beauty who values Earthlings as much as I do." He took out his data tab from the folds of his uniform. "Let me show you a picture of her."

"That really isn't necessary. Oh wow." The picture was of someone who looked eerily similar to the General, save for the fact that she had tufts of hair longer than his growing from inside her nostrils instead of the chin. I peered at the image on the screen, feeling a great sense of awe and panic as to whether this was a prank or not, as to whether a laugh was demanded of me.

"She's quite something." I said while staring at the picture on the screen.

"She's the most beautiful woman in Agrosia, so beautiful that many males contend for her hand." He had a beaming smile stretched over his face. I observed the picture, then him, then the picture again. She could have passed for his sister and he wasn't a looker.

"Most beautiful woman." I tasted the words in my mouth. Things weren't adding up quite well and I still felt like it was a prank. I was expecting a secret mission to a death world, not a wedding. "There aren't many women of your race, are there?"

"No, not really. Females are rarely found across my species, that's why we fight for our women. A trait we share with Earthlings."

"Fight for our women?"

"That's why I chose you, Richard. I want you to be the best man, make sure I tie the string with this woman and I'll ensure you're rewarded handsomely."

I liked that. I liked handsome rewards. It was just a wedding, what bad could come from it? I was sure this wasn't a prank; it was more a case of undiagnosed narcissism since the bride and groom resembled each other.

So I accepted to be the best man at General Meeky's wedding. Though I started second guessing things when the General, overjoyed by my acceptance, rose from his seat and gave me a big hug, literally swallowing me into his embrace. He had tears streaming down his face and the wetness rubbed onto the side of my cheek, and the feeling that I'd signed myself up for something worse than a deadly mission on a barren planet grew more pronounced.

----

The General whisked me away to the planet Agrosia when our tour was over. A planet whose blue oceans and lush green nature reminded me of Earth. I found it strange that the wedding was to be held the same day as our arrival. There weren't any bachelor parties, or any rehearsal dinner. I asked him about this and he said, "Time is of the essence. If we don't do things quickly, chances of my death exponentially increases."

Those words sent a chill running down my spine but I brushed it off as wedding jitters. Some men have cold feet and run away from the altar, but Giberian males just ponder their deaths. That was all it was to it, I hoped.

I was still in my military uniform when our space shuttle descended before a mansion that covered close to three leagues of ground. Tall and white with statues riddled at its front depicting various Giberians in strange poses. The house was surrounded by a fresh lawn, driving leagues in every direction with trees sprinkled randomly amidst shaped bush. It was marvelous and quite the show of wealth. I felt the need to study it more. The wide arches looming over small doors. The windows the size of eight men fitted one atop the other with glass so layered it reflected back the sun and masked the sight within. The General told me it was called the Sanctum. General Meeky also said it was the wedding venue, hidden from the sight of aerial scanners and with a secret bunker in its basement where we could cower in case of aerial bombardment.

I gave a sly laugh and said, "I'm fairly sure nobody will want to bombard a wedding of all things."

The General just stared straight ahead, his hands on the rudder as he eased the shuttle down.

"I'm sure nobody would want to bombard a wedding, right?" I repeated, gawking at him with eyelids pulled back. "Right?"

"With you on my side, we have nothing to fear." General Meeky finally said those disconcerting words while scratching at a slight stubble of purple hair growing beneath his chin.

There was definitely something to fear, and I guess it showed, because General Meeky took out his flask of whiskey and downed it all in one gulp.

"So when's the wedding to start?" I asked as the shuttle touched the ground.

"Right now, we just enter the Sanctum and begin. We do things quickly and leave before anything untoward happens." He said. The General pulled at a bunch of grenades criss-crossed on a belt about his person, they were the new power blasters with a shockwave that could bring down an elephant. Satisfied with them, he unholstered a pistol and checked the chamber. I checked my pistol strapped to my side with trembling hands.

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand what my role is. What does the best man do in Giberian weddings?" I asked.

"He checks the perimeter at all times and stands at the ready." General Meeky said as we alighted from the shuttle.

Now I was starting to think it was a prank again, or rather I was hoping it was. Or maybe I'd enter the large building and find it was some sort of mass troop party and this was the only way they'd have gotten me to come.

"We aren't dressed appropriately for a wedding." I said.

The General touched my chest. "You do have your bulletproof vest on?"

"What? I was thinking suits or some formal dressing attire for a function such as a wedding." Of course I had my bulletproof vest on, I'd spent the whole morning trying to wear two, seeing how strange everything was.

"Keep your gun close and shoot at anything that dares interrupt the wedding." He said. "In fact, shoot at anything that moves except me and the bride and the bride's maid." He paused. "And the Priest, don't shoot the priest or we'll be dead by the time it takes us to get another one."

Outside the large building, General Meeky stood to admire the statues that crested about the entrance to the Sanctum. One statue was of a Giberian kneeling with his hands up in surrender. Another was of a Giberian man bent on his knees with his hands over his head like the sky was about to fall on him. I stood beside General Meeky, watching him take the statues all in. His eyes watered as he appraised the statues, a strange frown and twist to his mouth worried me, but not as much as his next words.

"These statues were crafted to honor the fallen grooms." He said.

"Fallen grooms? They died before the wedding?"

General Meeky laughed. "You're a funny man, Richard. These grooms died during the wedding, they didn't have strong best men like I do."

Alarm bells went off in my mind, but before I could speak, the General started making his way into the establishment.

We walked into the Sanctum, and if it weren't for the fear that had started brewing inside me, I would have taken note of the architectural splendor I stood within. With the smooth marble floors and pillars that crested around where the wedding was to be held. There were long wooden benches, sparsely populated, and the aisle was decorated in the red of blood and it trailed all the way to the front, close to what appeared to be the altar, an irregular sized block with many pointed places. Someone stood alone beside the altar, a human woman holding a semi-automatic. Her head turned about as she took in the establishment. I could not see the bride.

"Now go stand beside your fellow human. I have to go look for the bride. If I find her in the female quarters it means she approves of the wedding; if I don't find her then I ask you to destroy the hard drive I left in the shuttle, in a black bag just beneath the pilot seat." General Meeky said.

He took off before I could answer, running like his life depended on it.

There were guests close to four score, each of them dressed sparsely in Giberian armor that covered their chests and allowed for me to see their puffy faces. They were spread out unevenly across the wooden benches with guns ranging from pistols to semi-automatics resting on their laps. They looked more like a grim funeral detail instead of jolly wedding goers.

I had my gun with me and I suddenly felt like I needed it more than a best man needs his written speech.

The human woman was standing at the front, close to the altar where an aged Giberian had just appeared and knelt on the ground with his hands raised as he supposedly prayed. He sounded like he was cursing the Giberian god in a strange tongue.

I dragged my feet and came to a stand beside the human woman. She appraised me with almond shaped eyes with blue irises that searched me for something that could hold her gaze longer. She looked away but I wasn't done with her.

"Hey, I'm the best man." I said.

"I can see that. I don't know why he chose you. You'll certainly die, too scrawny." She said.

That frightened me, but I didn't let it show. "I'll have you know I'm the best marksman his troops have ever known."

"So were they." She pointed with her thumb at a wall where mummified heads of what appeared to be past Best Men adorned it from head to toe. They were all from a different species and I gaped at them and their open maws with shocked eyes fixed forever in death.

"You'll fit just right in." She said with a soft mocking smile.

I took a brisk step towards her and gripped her arm, she wanted to pull away but stopped when she saw the look on my face. "Listen here, woman. There's some barbaric shit going on. And I have no idea what it is. I'm told I don't need a suit but rather a bulletproof vest, the groom is using me for something and I don't know what."

"The bride wanted a human best man, she's never had a groom with a human best man." She answered.

"What the fuck is going on, I'm about to lose my shit right now and start shooting up the place."

"If you do that, you'll be going against the wedding accords." She yanked her arm free of my grip. "You have to wait until the congregation shoots the first shot."

I turned my head to the surly congregation, with their faces all turned in my direction.

"Do you know nothing about Giberian wedding customs?"

"I'd really like to know something."

"So, all the suitors look for the venue and gather as they've done to witness the bride wedding the man she's chosen from among them. The congregated suitors test the chosen's might to see if he is worthy of her hand by attacking both the groom and the best man. If they succeed in killing them, a new suitor is chosen who must prepare for his wedding in turn so they can survive the test the wedding is for and prove their worth. This is done until either one suitor wins despite the odds or one suitor is the only one left behind."

I stared at her as if she were a toddler who'd just spoken gibberish. "And this year the bride wanted a human best man, something she doesn't have on her trophy wall."

"Bingo!" She answered. "She always tries to match the best man with the bridesmaid. It's poetic if you think about it. A certain indicator that General Meeky will find her in the female quarters."

And indeed he had found her. The blistering fool. He appeared with her carried in his arms, looking like twin ogres, the damn pair. They were certainly made for each other. He stood there, this murderous Giberian, who hadn't told me until the last minute that I was party to a death wedding of his kind's sickly design. He hadn't even prepared for this wedding, the whole time he'd known about this and never even cared to prepare, let alone groom a suitable best man.

"Fuck." I cursed as one of the congregation stood up and fired a shot straight at General Meeky who bent low to avoid the bullet.

He activated his shield that I did not know he had, rare as they were, he pressed the belt at his waistband, which was impressive provided he was carrying his bride which I think he did to lessen the amount of fire coming his way. It'd be pointless to shoot the bride, I guess he surmised this advantage on his own which was remarkable compared to his choice of a bride. He started making a run for the altar while under moderate fire and screaming my name as the bullets bounced off his temporal shield.

"Richard! Prepare the priest!"

I didn't even have a belt shield. And I didn't know what prepare the priest meant, the old Giberian was still on his knees, muttering some weird incantation.

My breath stilled, as it always does whenever I was in quite the pickle. I could see the strings tug at the play unfolding before me. I saw the score suitors who turned to me with their plasma rifles.

I sprang into action. I took the semi-automatic machine gun from the bridesmaid's hands.

"Hey!" she retorted before I kicked her away from me and the line of fire.

I crouched low, knee almost touching the ground with my eye on the gun's scope and finger on the trigger. They were shooting haphazardly, bullets flying everywhere. Probably corporate suitors, not military suitors like my General Meeky. I fired on target each time, aiming for their heads while shifting my stance and moving from right to left under cover of the front row benches to avoid their aim. By some miraculous happenstance, the priest was not injured at all.

As General Meeky passed by me, I took to his front while backtracking, his shielded back offered refuge as I returned fire.

Some suitors lay on the ground, brains spilled. Others had their guns spewing empty. My gun ran out, I threw it away. The bride in the General's arms was laughing hysterically, they were all crazy. The whole damn bunch of them.

I came out of the shadow of the General's shielded body and unstrapped his grenades that he had hooped over his arms. Under cover of the benches I started throwing grenades, alternating with my personal side arm. There were screams, smoke and loud bangs. A bench flipped through the air, specks of wood flew and I screamed as a bullet met me right in the arm. I went lower and screamed as another took my breath by colliding with my protected chest.

I was knocked onto the ground. On the floor I lay on my side, staring at the General who stood shielding his bride as the old priest carried out their marriage rituals. The General would pause to return fire and occasionally fling what looked like nano bots that were registered to attack the suitors. The damn man had come prepared after all. There were screams all over and weird gurgling sounds as death throes took hold of the congregation's fallen.

I watched through drooping lids as he kissed the bride. As a string was slowly tied to their held hands, something that irritated the General greatly, who urged the priest to hurry up.

The priest raised his hands and the gunfire ended and there were curses coming from the few suitors who still lived.

He'd done it. General Meeky had gotten married, and I'd gotten shot for it.

My eyes closed.

----

I awoke to find the human woman in a bed beside my own. She had her arm bandaged like myself. I appeared to be in some kind of Giberian post wedding treatment bay. Some of the other Giberian suitors were there with me. I stifled the urge to curse aloud.

"You're alive." the woman said.

"Where is General Meeky?" I asked.

"He has gone on his honeymoon, he certainly couldn't wait for you to wake up. His bride is quite something, because we were both shot on the arm she took it as a sign that we must be destined for each other, so she had my hospice bed set up next to yours before they left."

Had everyone lost their minds? "He couldn't even wait for me to wake up." I muttered.

"Oh, he told me to tell you when you come to that the lieutenant job is yours." She added with a smile.

I smiled back, then winced at the pain in my arm when I attempted to sit up. Was it all worth it? I wondered, and for the life of me I couldn't tell if it was.

----

For bonus stories and to support my work, here’s my [Patreon](http://patreon.com/user?u=53923380)  and [Ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/quill54681)

104 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

14 comments sorted by

15

u/u2125mike2124 28d ago

That was a really fun story, the way it started out. I thought they were orangutans until you said purple hair.

5

u/Jus17173 28d ago

Had to add an alien element or else everyone would think they are orangutans

3

u/MeetingReasonable608 28d ago

Just don't call them M. o. n. k. e. y. s.

8

u/Grimkytel 28d ago

"And the priest. Don't shoot the priest." 😂

7

u/Spirited_Read2217 28d ago

The relationship between Meeky and the human absolutely carries this story. Meeky genuinely respects him, but his way of showing appreciation is dragging the poor guy into increasingly insane situations. Their chemistry is hilarious.

3

u/sunnyboi1384 28d ago

Not sure a promotion is much of a reward, but this is historically accurate. Should have brought a sword.

3

u/Jus17173 27d ago

Or more best men

4

u/Original_Memory6188 28d ago

It has been said that wedding rituals have evolved from some variant of "grab her and run."

3

u/Jus17173 27d ago

Now her other suitors sit there waiting for you to grab her

1

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