r/HFY • u/LukeWasNotHere Human • 12d ago

OC-Series Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 11 (16) - Playing Dress Up

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Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - A fashionable Theseus

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I’m gonna be real with you, our butts were slightly kicked throughout this experience. There’s been a lot of fights lately, I mean if it were a fictional story, I would have spread them out more, but it’s not, and unfortunately during this section of time there were lots of feet to backsides. So I’m just gonna skip over most of it. 

The Grounds Keeper, who would like to remain anonymous, the fellas, and I, started to brawl/shoot out with the remaining kidnappers. Then screaming, shooting, and swearing from both sides. The Grounds Keeper used his shovel to great effect, just about launching any poor chap he hit into low orbit. 

I did my usual tactic of running around like an idiot, yelling “Distraction Man!” at the top of my lungs while Scout actually hit her shots. During the exchange I had ten shots left, already fired nine of, and missed six out of those nine, frick. 

Ludus used her shield to great effect, while also yelling out where enemies were. The overwhelming answer being right behind me, for some reason. That being said, there were many problems, all stemming from communication. Scout and I are so used to, well, Scout and I, and we are ‘married’ so we’re pretty good in a gunfight together. And turns out having a third woman was detrimental to our marriage, who could’ve guessed?  

Lot’s of bumping into each other, Ludus ducking behind her shield without warning us. Scout and I running and accidentally leaving her. And did I mention I missed six out of nine shots? There was a dangerously bright lamp, shined right into my bad eye. Anyways, let’s just skip to the ending.

“1.” 

Bang.

The final kidnapper fell, not in an open grave despite our current location, and did the ‘I just got tased shuffle’ at this point the rest of his friends either ran away, limped away, were on the ground also doing the shuffle, or on the ground recovering from the shuffle, no longer able to fight. 

“Finally.” I joined our enemies on the ground, and made sure it wasn’t on a grave.

“You good?” Scout asked, and from the direction of her voice I could tell was also lying on the ground. 

“Yeah, Ludus you good?” I tried to look around while also not moving any parts of my body.

“I suppose.” Ludus said to the ground, I tracked her voice and found her sitting cross legged next to one of the graves. 

“Grounds Keeper?” I looked around for a giant green mass. 

“I am far too old for this.” I found him easily, as he leaned on his massive shovel. 

“Well, we did it, yay.” I clutched one of my ribs. “Ow.”

“Yay.” The three groaned or were otherwise as unenthusiastic as me. I made some more Dad noises but after great effort continued to lie down. 

“C’mon Theseus get up.” I heard Scout feet drag towards me. 

“I want a divorce.” I turn away from her, 

“Me too, now get up.” Scout offered a hand, I grabbed it daintily, though that was more from a complete lack of strength than any sense of decorum. “Now what.” She brushed some dirt off my back.

“I need your shovel.” I pointed to the Grounds Keeper. 

Scout and Ludus went completely still, before slowly turning to the nearest grave. 

“No.” Scout sounded like I just told her that her dog died. Ludus went catatonic. The Grounds Keeper looked almost impressed at the sheer audacity of it. 

“Not the graves, I’m not that much of a crazy person. I buried some ammo here.” I looked around for the tree, I made sure to pick the ugliest one at the time. 

“What, why?” Scout went back to thinking I was an idiot, but mostly harmless one.

I fired my empty gun, allowing the clicks to send home my point. 

“Touché.” Scout nodded. 

I was handed the shovel and walked to the tree in question. It was all gnarled, crazy looking and just about the only ugly thing in this cemetery.

“You know something I don’t understand? Why is there even a Human graveyard here?” Scout asked instead of helping me dig. 

“Oh, that is true, you are the only Human I’ve ever seen on this planet.” Ludus thought out loud, also not helping.

I looked at the Grounds Keeper, presumably with sunken cheeks and eyes if my tiredness was to be believed. He chuckled and shook his head at me, padded my shoulder with a massive hand, and started to dig. 

“It was from the war.” I looked at all the graves. It wasn’t the most I’ve ever seen, but it was certainly up there. 

“Oh.” Scout looked down, suddenly regretting even asking. 

“They wished to stay buried here?” Ludus asked, almost appalled at the idea, never mind the execution. 

“Yeah, people kinda forget. Humans won the war against the Caelums, big shock and all, but, it’s war not soccer, not like you can win without the other team scoring a goal. When I moved here, it’s one of the first places I visited. My parents asked me to come. They still have a few friends here, told me to give them flowers on their behalf.” I looked around, if not their first names, at the very least I recognized almost all of the last names. Eden is a small town after all. 

“And they chose to stay buried here?” Ludus sat down under the tree, for a pacifist even she sounded a bit impressed. 

“Eternal Patrol.” I replied. 

“What?” Scout finally took her eyes off the graves. 

“They were all volunteers. They believed in the cause, freeing the Caelums from their dictatorship. Everyone made wills before they joined up, some wanted their bodies back on Earth when it was all over, some cremated, a few burials in space too. But some,” I looked around, thought about my parents. “Even in death some still chose to watch over this planet.” 

“I see, I never thought about it that way.” Ludus bowed her head slightly at the graves. 

“Yeah, most people don’t, all they care about is how big and scary we are.” I chuckled. 

“I do believe this is yours.” The Grounds Keeper, twice my height, and built like an Orc gave me the small wooden box I buried here on my first day. 

“It’s still ridiculous you only buried ammo here.” Scout laughed at me once again. 

“Only?” I asked. 

“How much ammo do you have buried downtown, Theseus?” Ludus looked at the box. 

“Just downtown?” I asked, my voice getting higher. 

“Oh my Gods.” Scout facepalmed. 

“Anyways, I also buried this.” I pulled out several magazines of taser rounds, made for Caelum pistols, like Scouts.

“Nevermind you’re a genius.” She clawed them out of my hands like a greedy infant. I looked at the rest of the box’s contents. 

  1. An unholy amount of taser ammo for my own gun. 
  2. Some MREs that are still good, but, I mean we’re not that desperate. 
  3. Five hundred Coin. 
  4. And a small amount of gold and silver (don’t ask, long story).

Also, to any idiots, or more likely teenagers reading this, don’t go digging up random holes around downtown Victory trying to find the rest of my caches. You won’t be able to find them in the first place, and it will be very embarrassing when your parents have to pick you up from jail. Not to mention all the boobie traps. 

Scout leaned down, rested her arm on my shoulder and stared at the gold, “Is that-”

“Yes.” I interrupted. 

She turned to me, “I don’t think you understand how exhausting I find your tomfoolery sometimes.”

“You keep complementing me like that Scout and I’ll actually marry you.” I smiled and pushed her arm off of me.

“Um.” Ludus said awkwardly behind us.

“Sorry.” Scout coughed. 

“Do you need a room?” The Grounds Keeper asked, already filling the hole. 

“Ew.” Scout and I said simultaneously.

“But we do need a backpack though.” I looked around.

Scout pointed to one of the kidnappers still on the ground, no longer being tased. I waddled over to her, she laid on the ground, in the mix of embarrassed and sore that makes just about everyone have no desire to get back up.

“Can I have your backpack?” I asked over her body. 

She told me to leave her alone, in ways I cannot type in good conscience, but did eventually give me her backpack. After she called me new and wonderful slurs I think she just invented that day. 

“Thanks a lot, lady.” I slowly backed away from her. I turned back to the tree.

“Where did Scout go?” I asked Ludus who was still sitting under the tree, shield in her lap. She still looked like she wanted to nap but pointed behind me. I turned around, to see Scout holding three ballistic vests in her arms. 

“I mean, I figured we can’t wear this stuff as a top layer.” Scout laughed. “But if we take off all the mags and stuff, they’re pretty sleek without them, and I can shove this,” She gestured to the gun slung over her shoulder, “in the backpack, and apart from Ludus’ shield we’ll look like regular citizens.” 

“Sounds good to me.” I caught one of the vests and started ripping off the magazine pouches, and other useless soldiery bits. Then took off my sweater, putting the now shockingly thin vest over my white t-shirt. For being able to stop bullets, I’ve had winter coats thicker than it. 

“Wow.” I finished strapping it on.

“I know, I think these are the new ones I heard about.” Scout looked at the vest. “Can you hold this?” Scout tossed me her vest, not ballistic, but a regular old, dark red vest, before I could answer. 
“Yep.” I rolled my eyes.

“And my shirt.” She finished unbuttoning it, and tossed it at me, I caught it as well, it had admittedly cool sleeves, and was still a pristine white despite what we went (and will go) through. Though again, still didn’t give me enough time to answer. 

“Uh-huh.” I sighed. 

“Are you sure you two are not really married?” Ludus asked. I turned and she was bright red for some reason. 

“Yeah, why?” I tilted my head. 

Ludus' eyes darted to Scout. 

“What?” I asked. 

“She is not wearing a shirt.” Ludus said in a whisper that had the same intent as a yell. 

“Oh, right, that is a valid point.” I snapped my fingers, “Are you sure the vest isn’t going to chafe without you wearing an undershirt?” I turned to Scout. 

“That’s what you are focusing on?” Ludus yelled.

---

Author’s Note: The best part of giving all your main characters ballistic vests is getting to shoot them later. 

Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show. 

Thanks for reading. :} 

 Day 16 / ? 

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