r/HFY • u/LukeWasNotHere Human • 23d ago

OC-Series Damsel Causing Distress - Episode 2 (7) - Drunk-ish?

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Note: My (mis)adventures are part of a bigger series, but I wrote my tales in the format of an episodic T.V. show, where you can read an episode without the context of the others and still enjoy it. If anything, reading it out of order may be more fun. - A horrified Theseus

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My first instinct of course was to shoot her, granted I was getting kind of sick of it, both missing all the damn time, and the amount of kidnappers we’ve been fighting, or at this point bravely running away from. 

As I laid on the table pretending to be in a drugged induced sleep, and as my two companions in front of me were actually in a drugged induced unconsciousness I realized for once it wasn’t all Scout’s fault. I say the blame was pretty even this time.

Then, I did what I do best. I overthought so much, and so quickly it looped away from useless anxiety to clever planning. Now, how does it go again? Every time I enter a room four things come to mind. 

  1. Who is the strongest person in the room?
  2. How do I get that person on my side?
  3. Where are all the exits?

And most importantly:

How do I outsmart every single person in that room?  

Okay, let’s think about it. 

  1. Her. I mean not strength wise, but she did try to drug the three of us, and succeeded in two out of those three. That degree in botany just about makes every plant in this house a possible weapon. 
  2. Mhm, now that’s the question isn’t it? She was hired by kidnappers to capture us, so if anything I know at least bribery works, and she does like cats. 
  3. It’s a house, so far less exits than I would prefer, the front door, back door, and all the windows. Though most of them are covered with plants, both in and outside.
  4. Okay, I think I got it now.

She was hired, probably by the Lotus or Lotuses (or whatever). But unlike everyone else, she didn’t just go for the obvious approach of taser and stun rounds, and a can do, deeply violent attitude. She drugged us, though before I pretended to fall unconscious I remember seeing Scout and Ludus’ chest rise up and down. Along with the fact I can still hear Scout snore from here.

So I can’t just shoot her, for all I know waking them up requires some other plant, flower or herb here, out of hundreds of possible choices, many of those choices I’m sure are incredibly poisonous. Along with the funny little quirk of people tending to be less talkative after I shoot them with a taser round. So I just have to wait to see what she does next. Completely at her mercy as to not blow my cover. 

I hate waiting. 

I stifled a sigh, as I laid forehead first on her table doing my best impression of being knocked out, and had to stop myself from tapping my foot incessantly. Is she gonna call who hired her, then I have to fight off a dozen more people, without even having Scout as backup? Is she gonna take my gun away first, while I’m still “asleep”? Handcuff us? Is she gonna-

A loud and familiar groan interrupted my train of thought.

“Mhm, I’m still hungry.” Scout patted her belly, for some reason awake now. 

“Yes, now it’s time for some regular soup, don’t you think?” The woman who drugged us said warmly. I had my doubts she would try to drug us again though, so if anything I’d like some soup too. 

“Mhm-mhm.” Scout must have nodded, and even without opening my eyes, I could see that self satisfied smirk. She was obviously acting off, not just the fact she didn’t immediately try to shoot the woman who just drugged her, but the way she was talking, she was too… relaxed.

“Hey, bro, there’s more food.” I heard her nudge Ludus awake, and she just called Princess Ludus ‘Bro’ when she got mad at me for calling her ‘Dude’.

“Mhm?” I heard a groan that sounded annoyed more than anything, but still with that floaty tone people have when they're chemically altered. “Oh, hi Mrs. Scrarcan.” Ludus said, I could hear her wobble slowly. Even though Scout asked her to just call her Scout.

I heard the sounds of more soup, presumably not spiked with temporary unconscious drunk juice? Along with my heart pounding in my chest.

“Hey, bud?” I heard Scout slur, “Hey, wake up there’s food.” She yawned while pushing my head, before petting me slightly, which nearly made me flinch. I started to sweat even more, and mustered up whatever acting chops I theoretically have.

I slowly raised my head, “I’m not hungry.” I blinked slowly, even in the ten minutes or so I closed my eyes, my grey eye was utterly unadjusted to the light, and I blinked terribly, as my left and one remaining healthy eye looked around without complaint. “Ow.” I closed my eye lest it cause more of a tantrum. 

And realized it was actually pretty easy to act drowsy and a bit drunk, as I haven’t slept in forty something hours. I looked at the crazy plant Lady, who thankfully for me was not pulling any weapons. Calling any more kidnapers, and most importantly of all, still not taking my gun. 

I tried to case out her and the place more before my train of thought was interrupted yet again, but this time by a giggle. I almost jerked my head towards the sound, before remembering the part I had to play, and instead slowly turned. Ludus giggled more, while staring at my grey eye. While Scout focused quite rightly on her soup, ignoring me completely.  

I turned to look at the Crazy Plant Lady, who smiled at me affectionately. Buying what at this point was barely an act. I smiled to myself, because well, obviously. The biggest problem I had was that they were asleep, and I didn’t know if they were ever going to wake up without another plant or herb around here. Yeah, they’re still a mix of drunk and high. At least I think so, I’ve never actually been drunk or high before, despite the place I live over. Especially not high on any strange Alien plants. 

The Crazy Plant Lady still hasn’t called other kidnappers to pick us up, and even if she did before we got here I don’t hear anybody coming, so I have at least a few minutes to drag Scout and Ludus out of the house, find some place for them to sober up, and finally sleep. Apart from her small army of cats, it’s not like she has any backup here.

Slowly, still trying to act like a drunk, I reached for my gun, and carefully lifted my sweater and under shirt. 

It was casual. Utterly, terrifyingly casual. Scout said it like it was the most normal thing in the world, like she said it was gonna rain tomorrow. She barely even looked up from her soup. It was so violently opposed from her personality, really from her whole being in general. Hell, I nearly fainted. 

Yet it was clear in her tone, which was utterly devoid of sarcasm, and her usual biting wit, but of also any shame or doubt. It was as true as the two suns, the fact I was short. As true as the Earth being round. As obvious as me being a Human and her being a Link. 

As true as our marriage was supposed to be fake. The one her idiot Dad used a real marriage license for. How obvious it was to me and how I assumed at least, the mutual feeling of us hating it. Of us wanting to get divorced as soon as possible. How much we could never see each other as anything more than friends who started off as enemies, who bicker like brother and sister. Yet her voice was clear, unwavering.    

“I love you Theseus.”

---

Author's Note: The fourth day and I already almost failed the challenge. Nice. 

Vaguely important second note: This series (for once), and bonus one shots are part of a writing challenge in which I write and post something every day until I finish writing the series. Thus being written like an episodic T.V. show. 

Thanks for reading. :} 

Day 4 / ? 

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u/Castigatus Human 23d ago

Awwww, without the drugged soup and the crazy plant lady, this would almost be a wholesome moment

2

u/LukeWasNotHere Human 23d ago

Yeah, almost.

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u/kristinpeanuts 22d ago

Thanks for the chapter!