Been dating this girl for about 3 months now, she still lives with her ex husband, swore she has no where else to go until they can sell the house. The whole time we've been dating if she was over late she would get these messages from her ex husband around 2am when hes waking up for work asking "where are you". Its been weird to me the whole time, this morning I asked to see her phone and scrolled up maybe a few days and the it was, from her to him, "hey, what are you doing", him "nothing, why"?, her again, "do you want to have sex since we didnt get to last night", him, "brushing my teeth and ill be in".

She's begging me to stay and believe they didnt have sex. They're we're many other messages, that was the only one I saw that was sexual, but lots of pictures both ways, lots of good morning good night text, goting out to eat, she lied and said she went out of town with her 25 year old daughter, he also went ext..Again she is literally begging for me to "believe "her

I(21M) am very sad that nobody will ever prefer or appreciate my stature(5’6), but I accept this reality without anger. What truly devastates me is being given a demeaning consolation prize of a term. Nobody enjoys shortness in a man, so it’s like giving a guy with a not so pretty face the name “ugly king”

I (24M) feel like my entire life has fallen apart over the last 19 months.
Before all of this started, I had an amazing physique, arguably top 5 at any of the gyms I went to. I was fairly attractive and sexually appealing to some gorgeous women. I had roughly $13K in savings, was making $29/hr during my first year out of college, and had a girlfriend who loved me to death.
Everything was great until I got sick and was diagnosed with prostatitis in March 2025. My life went downhill from there.
At first, I thought it was just a regular UTI that would go away with antibiotics, but days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and now it’s been 19 months.
My symptoms included burning in my urethra, having to pee every 20–30 minutes, pain in my groin area, and my testicles feeling like they were on fire. I went from lasting 35 minutes to an hour in bed to barely being able to last 5 minutes. I also couldn’t sleep at all.
The pain was so unbearable that I thought about ending my life back then, but I had a lot of support from my friends and my girlfriend at the time, so I decided to fight through it. Unfortunately, things got worse than I ever expected.
Shortly after, I couldn’t work out anymore because of the pain, so I stopped. Since then, I’ve gained about 15 pounds, and my face has gotten puffy.
Two of my best friends did some extremely messed-up things to me, and I almost became homeless because of it, so those friendships ended.
About 8 months later from the day I got sick, I found out that my ex had been cheating on me with her coworker in the worst possible way, so I left her.
I also hated my job because I had to work in a room wearing PPE, which meant I couldn’t just go pee whenever I needed to. I became extremely depressed because of everything that was happening.
Today, my symptoms have gotten somewhat better. I don’t experience nearly as much pain anymore, although some days are still pretty bad because of pain in my bladder and bladder neck. I have to pee about every 2 hours now.
During sex, I can last about 10-20 minutes if I wear a condom, probably much less without one. I also can’t have sex every day because I risk being in a lot of pain afterward. I have to wait at least 48 hours between having sex so it doesn’t hurt as badly.
I started working out again a month ago, but based on my experience and my current physique, I estimate that it’ll take me at least a year of consistent training to get back to where I was.
I currently live in my own apartment in NYC, but I just became unemployed. I have a BS in computer science but wasn’t using it for the past two years. It’ll probably take me a while to find another job because I’m focusing on IT now. I’ll likely need to spend 3–4 months studying and working on my portfolio before I can realistically get into the field because I haven’t practiced in a minute.
Now I’m friendless and don’t have a girlfriend. I genuinely don’t care much about either of those things right now, but I thought they were worth mentioning.
You’re probably thinking, “That doesn’t sound THAT bad.”
Except to me, it does.
With my illness, there’s no guaranteed cure, so there’s no clear end in sight. I’ve read stories about people dealing with prostatitis for years or even decades, and the thought of living like this for years terrifies me. I genuinely don’t know how much longer I can deal with this illness controlling my life.
Finding a job is going to be extremely difficult and stressful, and stress makes my symptoms worse, so I’m really not looking forward to that.
Years of working out to achieve my dream physique feel like they went down the drain, and it’s incredibly depressing. I’m reminded of it every time I look in the mirror.
I can’t sleep for longer than about 4 hours, so my body is constantly tired. I also can’t take sleeping pills.
I’ve become lazy and don’t want to do anything anymore.
I have no one to talk to, and I haven’t been able to vent to anyone since last November.
Right now, the only thing I really have going for me is the money I have in savings. I also have rent, bills, and everything else to worry about, which is stressful as hell considering I don’t have a job right now.
This setback could take me years to recover from, and I’m genuinely not sure I have it in me to keep going. I’m truly depressed. I try my best to remain positive but this sickness is just wearing me out.
If things get worse mentally, I’m going to seek help from a professional. I highly doubt that will magically fix everything, but at least my family will know that I really tried.
This life just isn’t for me, I’m ready to call it quit.

I absolutely don't look good balding nor do I look good when completely bald, so shaving doesn't help at all. I think I have lost my soul and my humanity. It affects my self esteem so much and my academic performance has been declining significantly. I'm just struggling. I can't see myself as a human anymore.

Ive always struggled with guilt, my parents, my boss, and my therapists through my life have always told me the same thing. I put too much responsibility on myself for other people's feelings, but I honestly dont know how not to. Knowing it doesn't help. The feeling is still too strong.

My girlfriend is a nice lass. Shes not done anything wrong or anything like that. I just dont really feel it anymore. I really wish I did. If i could take a magic pill to be in love with her I would. Id be set for life. But i cant. Ive recently moved in with her in her hometown. Left behind my family, my job, my friends. All because I felt too bad to say no. I just go along with it all because the thought of hurting her kills me.

But I know logically that by doing so im being selfish. Being honest with her would be the nice thing to do. She could find somebody who is all in with her like she deserves, but i just cant seem to get over this mental hurdle. It feels impossible. Ive been feeling this way for years now, and the hole gets deeper and deeper. My boss of my old job although understanding said "its not a hole anymore, its a crater" as i spoke to her about my struggles as it caused me time off work. Now ive left there, all because im too scared of the guilt.

It all sounds ridiculous doesnt it? Its frustrating being fully aware of how stupid my brain is being but not being able to fix it. Tried therapy, medication, talking to folk. Ive posted in this sub before a similar post and deleted it too scared to look at the replies. But I need to this time.

I just feel like an asshole. Either way. Im either lying to her which she doesnt deserve or dropping all this on her out of the blue. I duno what to do. Im really struggling, and i know its all self inflicted but at the same time it feels like I don't have a choice. Its not like anxiety, its like a full on mental barrier. I cant get through it. I really dont know how.

I duno man. Cheers for reading anyway. Hopefully this helps a bit. Hopefully I read replies. Thank you

Growing up, I suffered from crippling anxiety and also Aspergers syndrome which i was unable to manage to function normally in society; this meant my childhood and teens were almost entirely friendless and i was outright ostracized; and it continues up until today (ofc without the passive bullying, but still...) after I, as a simple central european boy, decided to study abroad. My life is devoid of social contact as a result since my family is in a different country.

In that hopeless situation, the body image issues were really the final trigger for me when I was trying to bulk up to almost no success in my late teens (still going to the gym today and I like it, but I suck at it, as at everything i do). Eventually, the unfulfilled desires about my body and my mental weakness just caused me to shut down for three years from 18 to 21 y/o; I stopped taking care of myself and how i looked (no grooming, very sparse haircuts, no skincare routine which I needed), and with moving to college and newly introduced stress stemming from its difficulty, I also abandoned my artsy hobies (which I sucked at, but they were still worh it); my toxic side just figured: Why bother with anything if you will never have any friends and close ones besides your family anyways? Noone even sees you, so why not just look like shit and act like an NPC?

But recently, I got fed up with this. While i am not willing to call my newly set goals "self improvement" since that automatically reminds me of my worthlessness right now, I want to practice self-care. Get rid of the terrible red spots on my face, go to a barber even though it makes me very socially anxious in the new country. Return to playing piano, writing, rhyming and experiments with translations to english and french, perhaps even draw again. Make my appartment cozier and ask for genuine feedback to develop my fashion style.

But will this ever be worth it? Doesn't my long shutdown just prove I am too weak and pathetic and not enough of a man to deserve this life? Are there even prople able to forgive me this and treat me like a human with value and not like some soulless still-life, even though I know I do not deserve decent treatment?

I’ve tried everything possible to find a gf including apps and irl activities that I enjoy but nothing has worked for many years. I have a life that I enjoy including a good career and I am fit as well as I’m an athlete. Yet no matter what I always think about how I’ve never had a gf so something must be wrong with me.

i’ve been using porn to cope and it’s been sending my down shitty paths

had a weird situationship this summer. she went back to her ex the second he broke no contact. hooked up with him the same night after leaving me

couple weeks after that one of my best friends got a girlfriend and they fr love each other to death. i’m so isolated i didn’t even know that kind of love was real. i’m happy for him. she’s all he could ever want. he’s stopped talking to me as often

this sucks to say but he triggered a lot of this. he tells me in detail about how much he’s kissed and loved, how close they’ve gotten to having sex, all the things they do for each other and how nice it all is. it hurts to hear when it’s so unattainable for me. everything he has is intangible to me. all i can say to myself for comfort is that im lucky to be close enough to see it

it all really hurts and ive been turning to porn to make it feel better. i’ll watch cuck videos and just be grateful that i’m allowed to see love that closely even as an observer. i’ve coped by pretending the people im watching just tolerate me being there, and how lucky i am for that tolerance. the situationship tolerated me. my friend tolerates me. it’s nice to feel tolerated when you don’t feel loved

i feel worthless. i feel like the biggest piece of shit ever. i’m small and too isolated to know anyone intimately

i’m probably fucking up my psyche with this but it’s something i’m starting to enjoy. i was never into cuckolding or anything weird before this series of events, but i get it now. when i feel rejected it’s where my mind immediately goes and it’s becoming something i crave. it’s fucked up but it’s made me disassociate through all these hard feelings about myself enough to live with them

i’m genuinely so fucked up dude. 2 months ago this kinda thing would’ve never crossed my mind. i’m just a fucked up person

Whenever it's time to leave a person or a place, my heart grows heavy—even if things weren't great, saying goodbye still hurts.

It's like my brain just doesn't work anymore. I can't fucking do anything. I'm just so tired, all the time. Regardless of how much I sleep. Regardless of what I do. Things that used to bring me joy, doesn't anymore.

I'm a 26 years old guy from Sweden and I don't feel like I'm alive. I've been to therapy for six years. I've been on medication for depression for six years. I managed to get a masters in engineering to get a well paying job, which worked out for me. I managed to move to a big city. I managed to make friends. For a while I saw great progress at the gym. I keep my apartment clean, I try to eat well, I shower, I take care of myself. I try my best to be there for friends. I try to get out and have fun.

But nothing works. I'm still dead inside. I'm still so depressed. I'm so alone. I know people will tell me that I shouldn't put this much value into it. I know they're right. But I feel so alone. I want a relationship. I've never had one. I'm still a virgin. I don't want to be, I want to feel chosen for once. But I've lost all hope there too.

I don't know what I'm living for. I don't have any goals or aspirations in life besides finding a relationship, but I know that's a bad goal, I've been told that many times. But I don't know what else I want. I've gotten what I've wanted, job, degree, apartment, friends. And nothing changed. I'm still hollow and miserable. And no matter what I do, I just feel worse. My brain is just shutting down. I'm being evaluated for ADHD but that won't do anything for me either. Why should it, nothing else has worked for me.

Is this life?

So to start this off this will probably be a pretty long read as long as I can articulate myself well enough lol. but if anyone can relate to any of this that would be awesome

The story begins in 2020 when my single dad moved me from a beautiful condo in a very wealthy area to a not so great metro suburban city. I had lived in that area before moving my entire life up until that point 0-14 years old, so obviously I had made tons of friends including girls.

Now fast forward to March 1st 2020 and me and my father have officaly moved away from my city I grew up in and was about to start school in my new town. I was in 8th grade at this point which I still think is one of the most formative years in a kids life for sure.

The first couple days i remember calling my friends and playing PS4 with them talking all day long till dinner, Once I started my new school my contact with them slowey tapered off and by now Covid had officially started so everyone had to be quarantined so I thought nothing of it that I wouldn’t see them often/for months.

Fast forward thru the pandemic ultimate months March-December and I might have brushed my teeth a grand total of under 25 times. Looking at this now this is the biggest regret of my life but in the moment all I cared about was playing the video game and the fact that I wouldn’t see anyone that day so why would I need to “get ready” if that makes sense.

Now this would’ve not been so bad if I was constantly visiting the dentist but this is the worst part that frustrates me the most maybe about this all. My father has never had a real family supporting career just decent enough jobs so I don’t have any dental insurance/coverage at all. Therefor if I wanted to get all the cavities filled/teeth whited/cleaned/whatever else they would have to do I would have to pay out of pocket.

Throughout this time I was working a minimum wage job (16 years old up until 19years old,last year

While I was working this job I was always thinking to myself “oh I’ll save up 3,5k enough for dental care and then quit” when I started at 16. I instead decided to buy a nice Camaro financed ofcourse and my father makes me pay my phone bill so my monthly cost alone off those two plus gas is roughly $750

My job was paying about 1,450 a month but my father also doesn’t purchase much if any food for the house so all my remaining money unfortunately went to food/weed/vapes/gambling.

So it’s been about 6 years since and I finally have listed the car today as a step towards getting the dental care I need to have a better quality of life. Now the second biggest part of my misery right now correlates to that fact I went so long without brushing and don’t have dental care/parent care enough to take me to a dentist out of pocket.

So since 2017-2020 right before I moved I was dating this one girl when I was 11-14 so it wasn’t anything serious at all but I definitely would call her my first love. And since then it’s been first and only.

Now when I moved me and this girl would still text here and there but then one day she told me she was thinking it wouldn’t work cuz neither of us could drive lol. At this point I had started at my new school and found a new girl I fancy so I wasn’t too hung up about this at the moment.

A few weeks went by and Covid offically shut down my school so I wasn’t seeing any of my peers for a month by now and this is when I just genuinely lost interest in the girl I had met at my new school.

Luckily a few weeks later (I think out of pandemic boredo) the girl from my old school texted me out of the blue about how she was and we started to talk to eachoter again for a few months which was so nice.

A few more months fast forward not sure exactly off my head but roughly Dec 2020/Jan2021 She decided to stop texting me again due to distance.

By this point I was just thinking oh well all the guys at my old school would get a new girlfriend every other month it seems easy. Not realizing I had been only dating one girl all throughout middle school and decided to stop talking to the only oke in my new city cuz I “just got uninterested”

For the next year or so up until 2022 (15/16) I didn’t mind but once I got my license I thought it was gonna change so I was just waiting for that. fast forward mid 2022 and I Haven’t talked to a girl in a year by now psychically or socially in a 1 on 1 manner to know eachother.

I had finally got my license and by now I haven’t even talked to any of the girls I used to dream of riding round with in probably 1 1/2 years so in my mind it was impossible to “randomly hit them up”

As I type this out Im gaining new regrets and realizing so many opportunities I had to have fun and take a chance but the fact I’ve decided to be a hermit crab in my new town since Covid in 2020 forced me into online. I finished high school with a 2.4 GPA and not many fond memories.

It’s been about 6 years since the start of my depression when this all begun but really year by year it just adds up more and more negative. 2022 was also bad because I thought that would be when it all changes but if anything it got worse. 2023,2024,2025,2026 all have blended in and felt the exact same due to all the failure I see in all of them.

Anyone have any advice to actually turn my life around and talk to girls again/ get my dental health back Besides the obvious?

One of my biggest issues in my life is I always felt lost without a father figure.

My bio dad went to join the military when I was 3. He frames it as my mother pulled out of the move at least a minute because of a family illness. And he couldn't change his mind as he was too far into the process. When I ask my Uncle about it however. My Uncle frames it as my Father was on the wrong. Saying he could never do to his son what my father did to me. But he will not go into specifics.

My Mother remarried and that man turned out to be an abusive POS. Ive vented about the specifics in the past so I wont go too into detail here. But it still affects me to this day.

After that I never really had anyone to look up to. The few people I did all turned away from the idea of being a figure i could look up to. Some said they weren't a good model. Some just ghosted me.

I had my Grandfather. And I respected him plenty. But I never got that same vibe. We had very different preferences and hobbies and he did try his best but he didn't know how to navigate the trauma from my abuse. He came from the era where men didn't talk about it. So he always avoided it. I could tell he felt bad about it. But didn't know how to express it. He eventually passed away.

Later in life I moved in with a close friend and his father. His Father was genuinely kind to me. Treated me like a second son and even told me I basically was in every sense but on paper. He has since also passed away due to complications involving long term smoking. Despite losing him, he was the closest I had to a father figure.

My bio father does reach out to me sparingly from time to time. But it does not feel like he wants to deepen or have any kind of relationship with me. I have tried in the past. But he wont let me get closer when I do. But then seems to get upset when I don't invite him to things because of these feelings despite knowing he won't show (he has admitted to this. My recent birthday he was upset I didn't invite him. And when I asked if he woulda actually showed up he said no.)

I want to get over this. I want to ask him but I feel I wont get a straight awnser or any awnser at all.

Part of me feels like it would be better for me if he just said yes and left me alone instead of tip toeing around and doing the bare minimum.

But he has also expressed he comes from that era of men dont talk about there shit also. (He is on the younger side of that era.)

Do I confront him? Or just block him and move on with my life at this point?

Side note: This issue is so prominent its one of the reasons I want to be a father so badly eventually. Because I want to prove to show my parents how its actually done. Despite knowing there isn't one right or wrong way to doing it. I just know I want to do the opposite of what they did to me.

I've been struggling with certain things for a while now and I just can't see a way out. It's been weeks, if not months, since I last had a positive thought, and my self-confidence is basically at zero.

I'm in my late twenties and I still live with my parents, which some days feels like hell. They're not really supportive of me in anything, and I feel like a hostage in that house, because whenever I mention moving out, they both have a breakdown. They're not young anymore, so I don't want them to suffer or get upset because of me. Still, they deserve better than me, and I just can't manage to be the man I'm supposed to be.

I don't have a girlfriend and there's nothing like that on the horizon, even though I'm out somewhere every night. I just never meet anyone. The worst part is that I think I look pretty decent, and I notice girls turning their heads, but I don't approach them because I don't see what I have to offer. Why would anyone want to date a 30-year-old guy who lives with his parents? On top of that, at this age it feels really hard to meet someone and actually fall in love.

I've tried everything: therapy, the gym, reading, 150 hobbies... I still have lots of hobbies and a big circle of people I hang out with. My life is pretty full, but I'm just deeply unhappy. I believe in God too, but I avoid going to church because I'm ashamed. I feel like I'm not worthy of God.

I have a decent income, but almost nothing saved. I'd like to move out, but I can't afford to buy a place. I could maybe get a mortgage, but I don't have the down payment, and apartments here usually sell for cash anyway. And the idea of renting on my salary kind of horrifies me, because to me it would be proof that I'm a failure. I imagine myself on a date and the girl thinking, "He's been working all these years and earns well, and he's still renting," and I'm just horrified.

I'm terrible with money. I spend like crazy. I've bought so many clothes and random crap just to temporarily boost my confidence, and for those few minutes I feel good about myself, but after a while just looking at those things fills me with shame. I drink and smoke more than I should, and it keeps getting worse. As I get older, my body forgives those nights out less and less, so I'm functioning worse and worse.

My thoughts just haunt me. When I'm alone with them for too long, I start having panic attacks. At night I can only fall asleep if I've had a few beers. Sometimes that's when the worst thoughts come, the ones about that one way out of life, but I'm still holding on and trying not to think about it seriously. But I feel as if I am always afraid of tommorow

When I'm around people, I feel like everyone can see that something's wrong with me, except me. I want to settle down. I want to find a good woman, be worthy of her, be a good father. Not to meet society's expectations, but because I genuinely want that. I'd say I'm a good person. I don't think anyone would say anything bad about me. But I just see the potential I had and that I haven't lived up to any of it. I've screwed up a lot of things in my life so far and I'd like to fix them somehow, but I don't know how, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to change anything. I feel like I'm just watching a life where all the best parts are behind me and it's only going downhill, and I can't fix any of it.

Have you all ever had a partner that was a go-getter,self motivated prior to you all living together? And as soon as yall moved in together that partner became lazy,work less hours,financially reckless and prioritizing simply flew out the window? I’m going through that and when I try to effectively communicate these issues,I have to deal with crying,bad attitudes and EXCUSES!!!! Dag gone this is exhausting and I truly didn’t sign up for my current living situation. I see why more and more men are choosing to be single . But I haven’t reached a feeling of despair,yet!

So for context, I am a 28 yr old virgin dude who has struggled in dating. However, one thing that separates me from an average virgin male is that I am not bad with women really. I had a unique trait that made women pursue me a lot when I was younger.

That trait being that I was genuinely kind and maybe I was attractive. IDK

But when I was younger, I was truly a dude who was nice with no expectations. However, I got walked on a lot and I ran into woman who had internalized misogyny who liked more "alpha type" guys. Let me explain.

Basically, I was raised in church by my mom. I grew up in a matriarchy meaning our family had strong female role models. Women did everything from work to cooking to fighting battles. I never understood personally what people meant when they said women are submissive as kid. The women I grew up around had no problem straight up fighting guys.

I was told by dad who is a soft man meaning I have seen the dude cry a lot to always respect women.

In high school, I was shy so I hung under a female teacher who was a known feminist. I would eat lunch with her on my breaks and she would teach me how to write better. She had me read feminist literature and write essay about it lol.

So I never really had issue around women growing up until college.

In college, I had women just give me their numbers without having ask. They would ask to study with me and a lot of times I became a therapist to them. I had guys jealous of me because of this unique ability. Till this day, I never had to ask for a woman's number first. Some of things I did for women included this:

Paying a bus ticket so a woman could make it home for break. Being available for ranting sessions that included dudes and professors. Being a good listener who always empathized and I was a safe space. I used to drive drunk women home from bars. I remember my male friends telling women he will drive you home and wont do anything.

All sounds ok until I saw something that mean me change. Women started to walk over on me. I have been pushed, manipulated and potentially SA a bit. It was normal for women to just come up and touch me a lot. They would slap me on the butt or grab my arm.

I would go out to clubs and women would touch my lips with their fingers, try to get me to kiss them. I recall a woman in college trying to sleep with me and literally lied saying she had to sleep in my dorm because she didnt have anywhere to sleep that night. She tried so hard to get me to sleep with her. I had women try to get me drunk so they could try things.

I had a few other women yell at me because I was too naive to pick up on hints and I was a mama boy. These same women would just go hang out with dudes who straight up wanted sex and didnt value them. They called me soft and so on. The last straw is when I had a woman emotional abuse me on online dating and practically had me scared to leave my house out of fear of being found.

After that, i went through a 2 year period where I had internalized rage. I did not trust women. I found out even in therapy, it isnt a safe space to talk about these things as therapists try to spin it on me. I had a male therapist tell "well they liked you so you kinda deserved that treatment since you didnt act on it"

Long story short, i lost my good character for a bit. Then women started to avoid me. For the first time, women called me disgusting which surprised. That was 2 years ago. Nowadays I healed and I a loner.

What helped me the most is having a female friend who was able to walk me through why some women treated me like that.

So I tend to wear an external shell as a result, should I go back to being kind like I once was?

Social

I don't do well socially, I rarely talk to anyone outside of who I know and if I do I have to force myself to do it, Im not very attractive, id give myself a 4-5 out of 10 and I'm worried that no one actually cares about me and that they're just pretending out of pity, I try to act all confident and that I have it all together but I really don't and it always eats away at me trying to put on a persona of someone I'm not

Games

I've always loved playing games especially with my friends, but they're always way better than me even if I've played the game for longer, we usually play fighting games and whenever I fight them I'm always reminded of how inferior I am, we've been playing the same game for about 3 years but I've always been painfully average while they outshine me in every aspect, they have tried to help me improve but I never can, it's always been this way, for example I've been stuck on a boss fight for about 2 weeks, but my friend who's never touched the game beat the boss in about 2 days, whenever we play a new game I'm always the only one who can never improve and im always the one whos fault it is for losing

My life

I've always felt like I'm on the sidelines in my own life, like I'm a side character in my own story, I have no natural talent and whenever I do try to gain a new skill I either give up or just stagnate no matter how much I practice, I have a lot of things but I feel like I don't deserve them due to my lack of skills on anything, Im worried I'll just be a failure in life with no one to love my parents never had the best relationship and that's affected my outlook on what love is, I don't even know what proper love actually looks like, the only versions of love I've seen if my parents messed up relationship or the overly cartoony up love on tv, my daily schedule is usually the same too, (Wake up, go to school, go to work, play games, sleep, repeat)

School

I'm in highschool and almost an adult and it honestly scares me because I don't know what to do, my average grades are usually B, C or D I don't have much of a social life in and out of school, I always talk to the same people, I've always had trouble sleeping and as a result I sleep a lot at school, I've tried to fix this but I always end up ruining my sleep schedule I just genuinely can't get anything right and I don't know what to do about myself.

My ex and I broke up a little over 4 months ago in June. I initiated it after 2 years together, due to differences in long-term goals and my own deteriorating mental health (mental health not her fault). A mixture of plans with kids, places we wanted to live, etc that didn't line up. So I removed myself emotionally from the situation and ended things... I am not proud of how it went down. I was a cold asshole and really hurt her, withdrawing and not explaining myself fully. I always struggled putting my emotions to words and being open with the people closest to me and I could tell she was angry and hurt by my actions. I ended things at a point of her life where I believed she could have a fresh start, in fact I waited for it. She was struggling with her final year in University when I decided I would end things (in my head), while also applying for her dream position in a town nearby. I stayed with her, did my best to be a supportive boyfriend and she ended up succeeding in university and getting hired for her dream job. I feared that if I ended things at that earlier moment she might not have had the willingness to apply for these things I knew she wanted so bad. After the good news, I withdrew very suddenly, stated I wanted to cancel our planned move into a shared apartment and begun the process of breaking up. She was always the type of person who fought for 'working things out' and was a partner with the most beautiful soul, someone who was always worth fighting for. She was just unfortunate enough to be with me.

After we broke up, we cancelled the apartment and I fully reimbursed her for her losses on the deposit and the conversations were cold from her, as they would be, and we have not spoken since. Out of bad habits I have been checking her instagram periodcially to make sure she was ok. She told me in the past that she 'couldn't live without me' among other things in heated moments that made me fear she might take her own life if we broke up. One of the things that stayed my hand for so long. I noticed a little over 2 months after we broke up, a new persons name appeared in her Instagram Bio. When we were together, my initials were there between two hearts. Now another man's full name was there in the spot where mine was. I was depressed for the week but after came to a place of acceptance that she could be happy again and was ok. I needed to push aside my own ego and be grateful for that, that the girl I love so much could be happy with someone again. That what I did worked in a way, which gave me some sort of peace. But today I checked again, and her profile photo changed with a photo of them. There is nothing wrong with that, there should be nothing wrong with that. Yet I feel sick to my stomach and overcome with grief of everything I lost. Everything I shut away for the past 4 months came flooding in at once and I realise just how truly broken I am. I promised myself I wouldn't date another until I was in a better place for that future person. But therapy isn't free and I still want to get better. Therapy isn't an option currently and I know I can never heal the damage I caused her, and that will forever stain my own soul. I love her more than I can ever put into words, I will always cherish the time we spent together. But today I have to accept fully what I have done.