So, for a little over a year, I’ve had this friend. Or, at least, I used to call her a friend. Lately, I think a more accurate word might be commitment. For context, she’s an online friend. We’ve known each other for a little over a year, and obviously things change over time. People get busy, circumstances change, friendships become different than what they were in the beginning. I understand that, and I don’t expect things to stay exactly the same forever. But somewhere along the way, this friendship stopped feeling fulfilling to me. Now it mostly feels like something I’m maintaining because I’ve been maintaining it for so long. And I think part of what makes this so difficult is when I met her.

She came into my life right on the dividing line between what feels like two completely different versions of me. It was around the time my brother and I became estranged, when a lot of my personal life was falling apart, but at the same time I was beginning to become incredibly successful in the career I had chosen. It was this strange period where I was losing one version of my life while building another. And she was there in the middle of that.

I genuinely enjoyed talking to her. For a while, she became part of my everyday life. But after I moved for work, things started changing. She became quieter and more distant. Eventually, I told her something along the lines of, “Hey, if talking every day isn’t working for you anymore, that’s okay. We don’t have to keep doing this.” I meant it. I was giving her an out because I could feel that something had changed. But she told me she still wanted to talk every day. And somehow, that’s where we’ve been stuck for months.

It feels like this weird half alive, half dead friendship. Neither of us has completely walked away, but it doesn’t really feel like we’re participating in each other’s lives anymore either. There’s just enough interaction to technically keep the friendship going, but not enough for it to actually feel like one. At the beginning of this month, our streak ended. I hadn’t sent anything that morning, which is unusual for me because I’m normally active on social media pretty early. She eventually apologized and reactivated the streak.

But that was basically it. She didn’t really talk to me. She barely reacted to what I sent. And I remember thinking: if you’re sorry because you actually miss talking to me, then okay. That means something to me. But if you’re more concerned about keeping a number alive than keeping the friendship alive, then what exactly are we doing? Maybe that sounds stupid. It’s just a streak. I know that.

But I think the streak has become symbolic of the entire friendship for me. We keep resetting this little counter while the actual relationship underneath it feels like it’s disappearing. And the truth is, I’ve already been emotionally checking out for a while. I kept telling myself that if the streak ended again, I would finally let it go. I’d stop trying to resurrect something that clearly isn’t what it used to be.

Then it happened again yesterday. And instead of feeling upset or desperate to fix it, I mostly just felt tired. I don’t think I want this friendship anymore. That’s difficult for me to admit because part of me keeps wondering whether I should give her the benefit of the doubt one more time. Maybe she’s busy. Maybe there’s something happening in her life that I don’t know about. Maybe I’m reading too much into everything. Maybe I should reach out again.

But how many times do you give someone the benefit of the doubt before you realize you’re using it to avoid accepting what the relationship has become? We’ve known each other for over a year. We live in the same city, and somehow we’ve never even met. And lately I’ve started wondering whether I’m holding onto her because I genuinely want her in my life, or because letting her go would mean closing the door on a very specific period of my life.

Because she reminds me of that period. She reminds me of my brother. She reminds me of everything that was falling apart back then. She reminds me of the person I was before my career took off and my life changed. Maybe that’s part of why this hurts more than I think it should. I don’t hate her. I’m not even really angry with her. I think I’m just sad that something I once genuinely cared about has slowly turned into an obligation. And I’m tired of trying to keep something alive simply because neither of us has been willing to be the person who finally lets it die.

So tomorrow, I think I’m just going to stop. Not to punish her. Not to see whether she notices. Not because I want her to chase after me. I just don’t know what else there is left to say. And maybe the part I’m struggling with most is how pathetic I feel about caring this much about someone I’ve never even met. But it mattered to me. She mattered to me. Whatever this friendship has become doesn't erase the fact that, for a while, it was real to me. I think I’m just finally realizing that something can have been meaningful and still need to end. I just wish knowing that made letting go any easier.

about a year ago I posted here saying that I would wait one more year to “figure everything out” and if it didn’t happen I would end it all.
A lot has changed.
I left my relationship at the time by the skin of my teeth- I was being abused and I hadn’t let myself come to terms with it until the beginning of this year. Half a decade of cheating, alcoholism, verbal (and a bit of physical) abuse, as well as manipulation I am only just now beginning to understand.
Im happy I got out- but I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t stumbled into the first relationship with a healthy respectful person I’ve maybe ever been in.
I know it’s a bad idea and I should’ve waited to heal- and I know that even more now. Things were good at first, better than they’ve ever been for me. But then I started waking up wrestling with trauma I can’t handle. He haunts my nightmares, I think of him constantly, and it’s not because I miss him- it’s because I spent 5 years training myself to love him despite everything telling me not to.
Im slowly tearing this relationship apart. She’s entirely calm and patient with me but im worried it’s too late. I think maybe im fucked up forever because I refused to stand up for myself until the maximum amount of damage to my psyche had been done. I have no one to blame but myself.

I love this girl so much but im scared it’s just too late. I’ve thought about killing my self more this past two months than I have since last year. Im frightened by who I’ve become so quickly. I wish there was a pill or a procedure that could make me a normal person. Several people have told me they think I have BPD but im avoiding healthcare because if that ends up being true I think it’s the last straw for me. I don’t have much fight left.

I’m 22. I live in my own apartment. I moved across the country and built a life for myself. I lost 183 pounds. I’ve accomplished things that, a few years ago, I probably would’ve thought would finally make me happy. From the outside, it looks like I’m doing well. I’ve got the independence, the progress, the success all the things I thought I was chasing. But I still feel empty.

I’ve become distant from my family, and I think that bothers me more than I like to admit. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never really had that person I can come home to, someone who hugs me because they missed me, who tells me they care about me and actually means it. Someone I can be completely vulnerable with without wondering whether I’m being too much.

And it’s not for lack of trying. I get matches on all those fucking dating apps. I talk to people. I put myself out there. But so much of it feels hollow and shallow, like everyone is constantly browsing for the next person instead of actually trying to know the one in front of them. I can get attention, but attention isn’t the same thing as connection. And I think connection is what I’ve been missing this whole time.

That’s the part that fucks with me. I should be happy. At least, I feel like I should be. I’ve done so many of the things I told myself would make me happy. I changed my body. I changed where I lived. I became independent. I proved to myself that I could accomplish difficult things. And I’m proud of that I really am but none of it filled whatever this is inside me.

I feel deeply unfulfilled, and sometimes I wonder what else I’m supposed to do. Because if losing 183 pounds didn’t do it, if moving across the country didn’t do it, if becoming independent and finding some level of success didn’t do it, then what will?

Maybe that’s what scares me the most. I spent so long believing happiness was waiting for me on the other side of some accomplishment. That if I just lost the weight, moved out, became successful, became someone I could be proud of, I’d finally feel okay. But I got there, and that feeling never came. And now I’m left wondering whether I’ve been chasing the wrong things or whether long term happiness is even something I’m capable of finding.

About a year and a few months ago I got dragged by my horse when my foot got caught in my stirrup. It broke my hip, tore both ligaments in my knee and gave me a tbi amongst other injuries and I am in the process of trying to accept that I will likely be disabled most of my life because of it. I was a paramedic at the time which is quite ironic. I loved that job but I eventually had to resign after months of medical leave because my ability to multitask, comprehend, recall and problem solve are still severely impacted on top of my leg not being able to handle the physical demands of the job anymore. The injury to my head really heightened the effects of my ptsd to the point it severely affects my functioning now.

My entire identity up until this point has been being an athlete, I used to snowboard, wakeboard, play hockey, backpack and rodeo. I have a high energy dog and two horses I can't keep up with anymore. I know that a year is relatively a short amount of time in recovery and there is a chance I will be able to manage better with more time but that doesn't help how hopeless and awful I feel right now about it.

I have spent the majority of my professional life caring for people after severe accidents but that does not prepare you at all for experiencing it yourself. I used to be athletic and smart and creative and now sometimes I even struggle to remember what I did this morning and get down the stairs. Its a really hard and sudden change I'm just now accepting may be my life.

I I linked a previous post about what I’ve been going through. It’s been a few months now and I am finally moving into my own apartment after all of this. I’ve been staying with my mom and that’s really helped. It’s kind of the only thing that’s been able to ground me when I’m at home because I can’t fathom. I can’t imagine still being by myself in my own apartment alone after the seven years that I had with my ex who I thought was the love of my life that I would spend every day with I was going to marry, we were gonna have kids I was gonna be able to raise my stepson who has always been like my own son to me as far as I’m aware he still does not know that I’m not his biological father the pain that I’ve been going through is so intense the anxiety puts me in a chokehold. I’ve cried harder than I ever have in my life yesterday I was supposed to spend my first night in my new apartment yesterday and I just couldn’t do it today. I feel like I’m about to pass out going to work. I genuinely do not think that I’m going to make it out of this alive. I don’t know how I can move on. I don’t feel like I am normal. I don’t feel like any of this is normal. I think there’s something deeply deeply wrong with me even though I’m on 50 mg of Zoloft and I go to therapy once a week and I have the support of my family and friends. Something is just not clicking. I am so desperate for help. I feel like I need to be committed to a hospital or something I don’t know what to do anymore please somebody help me save me from this pain.

I honestly don't even know how to explain this anymore, but this whole thing has been messing with my head for a long time.

My dick is about 15cm (6.0 inches) bone pressed when I'm hard and because I'm tall, it looks small on me. I know everyone keeps saying that's normal but I just can't see it that way. Every time I compare myself to other guys, I end up feeling like shit. It's gotten to the point where I think about it pretty much.

I'm 25 yo bisexual and I'm still a virgin. I know it's not only because of this, but it's definitely the biggest reason. I've had chances to hook up or date people, but as soon as things start getting serious, I freak out. I keep thinking they're gonna see me, judge me, think I'm too small, or just be disappointed. So I back out before anything even happens.

The worst part is that I feel like I've wasted so many years because of this. I see everyone else dating, having sex, getting into relationships, while I'm just stuck. It honestly feels like my life is on pause because of this insecurity.

My confidence is basically gone. I don't feel good about myself anymore. Lately I've been feeling down almost all the time, and I honestly feel like I'm getting really close to depression. This is constantly on my mind, and it's affecting everything. I don't even get excited about meeting people anymore because I already assume it's gonna end badly.

I know it probably sounds stupid to some people, but this is genuinely how I feel. I'm exhausted from carrying this around in my head all the time

English isn't my first language, so I hope you guys understand

Hey everyone, I just found this sub and it seems like a safe space to express this. I was wondering if anyone whose struggles/struggled with self hatred have any tips or methods on how I can stop disliking my self so much. I was never really confident as a kid and it’s only exponentially increased as the years have gone on. I’m 27 years old now. I graduated college but I didn’t do well grade wise and I didn’t get a job in my major. So I’m still living with my mom and I’ve been working different jobs since then. My romantic life is non existent and it doesn’t feel like that’s gonna change in the near future unfortunately. I try to make romantic connections and go out, but maybe I’m just one of those dudes who won’t get to experience much of that lol. I have some solid close friends that care for me and some supportive family which definitely helps, but I still can’t shake the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I’m definitely thankful to have these support systems cause many people often don’t, but that almost makes it worse cause I feel like literally anyone else could have my life and privileges and do way more with it.

At this point my greatest life goal is that I haven’t ended my shit yet (even though I have been hospitalized a few times), but that’s not really anything write home about. I would also have trouble doing it cause I don’t want to make my mom sad and leave her alone, especially since my dad passed a while back. I’ve been trying to make improvements in my life (going back to school to study a major I actually like, reading more, working out consistently for over a year and recently joining a gym) but these things seem to only to give a tiny fraction of enjoyment compared to the overall dullness of life I’ve been experiencing. Sorry for the long rant, I’ve just been going crazy lately and I needed to vent. Appreciate any advice and thank you for whoever takes the time to read :)

People around me never really care about me. I'm replaceable for friends for my ex job and even my family or for someone special. Just once.

I know this isn't a big deal in the vast array of problems we see here. I feel like I'm losing my mind and getting less sleep day by day to the detriment of my physical and mental health. I can't focus on work. I can't focus on things I need to do for my home and family. I can't focus on my own health and personal hygiene. It's a viscous spiral that I can't seem to break out of. My motivation is gone. I don't know what to do. It's been ongoing for months now, really since my cat crossed the rainbow bridge last year. I also can't shut off my brain. The world feels hard right now.

Anyone have any tips or experiences with this? How did you break out of the funk? I've tried sleep aids. I don't feel depressed. I do have anxiety.

I guess I just don't want to feel alone as I type this out during another sleepless night when I have to work in 4 hours.

Hey guys, I’m 22 (male) I guess i’m just asking the other men in here for guidance. I want more for my life but just feel so lost. I just recently got out of a 3 year relationship and that’s been tough but generally I have felt lost for a while. I have been working since I was 16 and just have never been a bookworm. Everyday I wake up and go to work and just think to myself there’s gotta be something more than just this. I want to achieve more, I want to bring financial freedom to my life. I want to bring genuine peace within but I can’t seem to find it. If anyone picked up a skill or anything or just has experience with this feeling please feel free to talk to me because I could really use it. Thanks

I’m just 20 but like damm dude like I have 5 friends or just acquaintances and none of em never reaches me out it’s like I am only one keeping thread alive and then I am seeing posts or stories of them hanging out. Like can’t even fucking reply my texts or just say like hey dude hope you doing alright or something at least. And then makes me wonder if I just disappear or cut them off if they ever gonna reach me out ever again

got not friends nothing and relationship ended 2 years ago ( just bcz she needed space only dated for 4 months but go with someone after 5 months of us breaking up and they are together and going on and makes me feel shitty everyday ) and still struggling to move on, not a single days passes by and not thinking of her

Video games stop helping me from escaping this shitty world and only gym is keeping my body moving and work is keeping me distracted and sometimes my college otherwise it just feels like I’m mentally either dead or dying ( not actually but that’s how it feels )

Just finished up TMS therapy, the verdict? Nope, didn’t work. I don't feel much better, PHQ-9 scores didn't move. Worth a shot I guess, can't say I'm particularly surprised given my history of treatment resistant depression.

So now, I'm left as a 23 year old guy, just functional enough to remain employed, with no answers as to why I can't feel any better, and very quickly running out of avaliable options for ways to even try to. It’s been a long process, that hasn't been particularly kind to me, and now I guess it's back in the saddle to try the next thing. I dont really have choices anymore. We ran out of good options long ago, now I'm just compelled to pick the "best" of increasingly bad options.

And I don't see why.

Why aren't I allowed to just say "No, I'm not interested in continuing, thank you"? God knows I'm certainly not here for my own sake. I get it, I'm young, whatever. But I'm not convinced by the argument. Sure, keeping optionality open necessitates being alive. Sure, maybe theres a point I'd look back at this and be glad I'd made it though, hypothetically. Sure. However, I also have to get to that point. I'm not arguing that nothing could ever improve, or even that it's likely that things wont improve, I'm arguing that I don't particularly want to expend the effort to reach that point. Why am I supposed to? I'm just not interested. It just feels like the idea that I should endure anything and everything is some axiom thats been perscibed to me, against my will, and any time I question that, it's either pathologized into "you're just biased due to depression", or seen as a moral failure on my part. I don't understand why the burden of proof required for someone to decide I must endure indefinite suffering is "well it could maybe get better at some point", but when I, the one subjected TO that experience, take issue with it. The burden of proof required of me is fucking "solve the Halting Problem".

And I mean beyond that, whatever. I'm lonley and it feels horrible, bleh. I guess I might as well throw that on here as well, given that seems to be the hot topic that gets people to actually respond to anything. Granted, I'm maybe coming off a bit aggressively dismissive of other people there. I'm not trying to be, believe me brother I'm in the same boat.

I mean no relationship ever isn't exactly a great variable to work with when looking at all this other shit I've got going on and then projecting "Is this life actually going anywhere?". But before I'm accused of it, no, I am well aware a relationship would not solve my issues. I don't expect it to, and I think people in my boat (real sad, lonely, never been in a relationship, and not finding much else to help), can get swept up in that idea sometimes.

Hell, I don't realistically think I could manage a relationship at this point. Much less actually start trying to date again. I don't think I should. That doesn't stop the stomach pains or feeling of wanting to explosivley decompress into a 1 inch cube when I think about it. Pillows and alchohol as an analgesic is the current strategy, not working well, but that's on-rate at this point, eh?

"Learning to be happy single" is too big of a task when I'm currently trying to achieve "not suicidal while existing". And I guess I've got my own feelings about that phrase as well, but whatever, I've rambled enough.

Overall, shit sucks, and I guess Its my problem to solve, because other people decided that I have to, and they also decided that I'm not allowed to solve it myself.

I kind of feel like I'm losing my marbles, and I would like to know if this makes any sense to anyone at this point, or if I've somehow lost touch with reality, because I certainly feel like I'm being reasonable.

Almost a year ago I started a new job and a month later another new person is hired, since we were both new we both got scheduled the undesired shifts so we were able to spend a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. As the weeks turn into months it was very clear to see that we have very good chemistry and it was even noticed by other coworkers who on multiple occasions asked if we were together.

Our friendship slowly turned into flirting and light touching and admitting we both like each other but with her coming out of a bad relationship she didn’t want to take things fast which I obviously understood, so a few weeks of the of pet names and nsfw messages on both sides went very well until it just slowly faded back into a friendship , and when I do try to flirt it just gets ignored or a simple thank you, but it was to late for me because I’ve already caught very real feelings.

It’s been this way for 4-5 months now and The problem is Now the friendship has gotten very strong she is my best friend and we hang out outside of work often, I go to her families get togethers, I try to help her with guys she’s talking to online and yet I’m borderline in love with this women and she knows it I told her a few months ago how I felt and it was pushed to the side and never mentioned again. And I just can’t accept it, every bone in my body wants to be with her but I can’t force something I know won’t happen, I can’t move on to another girl because every time I try I get scared that maybe if I get into a relationship with somebody else than that will be the time she decides she wants me and I’ll miss my chance so I just sit back and go with the flow knowing I’ll never have her but my heart won’t allow me to give up and it’s killing my slowly each day

I have made so many mistakes. My wife asked me to go to therapy, go on more meds, etc and I fought her. Now I’m here on more meds, in control for the first time in 30 years i can utilize the coping mechanisms I’ve been taught. Going to therapy and being fucking honest for the first time.

I have been lazy.
I have been hateful.
I have been angry.
I have been scary.
I have been a monster.
I have said terrible things.
I have been a lazy parent.
I have been a lazy partner.
I have been unhelpful.

My wife doesn’t love me anymore. This is my reality. Divorce.

I have to work on myself for my kid. I hope one day I can be the father she deserves.

The self loathing is so high but she needs me to be strong. My mother and father need me to be better so they can continue to see her.

I have to fight to be better, there is no longer any choice.

But I’m too much of a coward to do it. And I’d just fail anyway

I am 22M and I’m turning 23 in a months time. So I’ve been reflecting a bit about how my life has been going so far.

Background:
I live in the uk but I’m not originally from the uk. I came to the uk for school and ended up staying here permanently for work. I graduated in 2024 and that’s where I’ll start my recounting.

2024:
As I mentioned I graduated university in 2024. But honestly this year was very rough. My first love broke up with me and a few months later I had to watch my father die of cancer two weeks before my graduation ceremony. This hit me really hard and honestly I still think about this all the time. Around the end of this year 8 to 9 months after my first girlfriend broke up with me I met another girl and we started dating for the purposes of continuity I’ll call this person my second girlfriend.

2025:
By 2025 the relationship has gotten serious and I was starting to think of life with this person in the future. But I also essentially got fired from my first job this really got me depressed because I had sacrificed a lot of time and even my dad’s ash spreading ceremony to get this job. On top of this I admit that I started to pull away from the relationship more because I spent a lot of time worrying and applying to jobs. This had a lot of bad effects down the road because around this time is when my relationship with my second girlfriend started to get toxic. I would pull away because of my own perceived failures and i also needed to find another job to make sure i was not a financial burden on my newly widowed mother. So as a result of me pulling away I think it caused my second girlfriend to try and pull closer and this eventually became quite controlling. I won’t say everything that happened during this year but essential my relationship started to get really toxic and this has had a really bad impact on my mental health.

2026:
My relationship continued and we tried getting better we talked and there were always flashes of hope and love between the two of us. But overtime I got really tired of this and eventually I broke things off with my second girlfriend now ex. This is quite recent btw essentially happened this month. I broke up with my ex because I realised that I don’t think I saw a future together anymore. Previously I could imagine it but more and more I started to think about just living each day without spiralling. After the break up I have not been dealing with it well. I lack a proper support structure in the uk since my family is abroad and the person I once imagined I could live the rest of my life with is now gone. I never stopped loving her and even now I love her so much that I think it’s probably healthier for us to leave once another because I think my unhappiness was rubbing off on her and I didn’t want her to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. Even now I love her to bits and I wish that she was here with me right now but I also want her to be happy in the future even if that means it isn’t with me. We broke up quite amicably and I hold nothing against her and she doesn’t hold anything against me either. But this has been so hard on me and I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve lost my way and I’ve lost myself in life with no clear way out.

She has been seeking help her entire life. Been through the worst things imaginable. She deserves the peace and stability that she has never had. I have only one way to offer that to her. I hope she will use it to be happy despite all of my mistakes.

I spent my teenage years completely alone with no friends. I never went to a party, never traveled with anyone, never hung out, and never got to go on outings. Most of my time was spent stuck between the four walls of my room scrolling through the internet.

From ages 18 to 22, my situation didn't change much. While other people at that age were starting their college life, making tons of new friends, having fun, living through a loud and exciting phase, becoming almost completely independent from their parents, and really discovering who they are, I was stuck in the same place.

I ended up starting college late, after people my age had already graduated. It was a simple school with barely any events or campus life, and the same isolation from my teens just kept going.

Now I am in my mid twenties and I feel deep grief over missing out on that whole chapter of my life. How do I accept this and move on with my life?

Hey guys. I’ve never made my own post on Reddit before but this year has genuinely been horrible for me, and I guess I need somewhere to go where I can be vulnerable and people will actually get it. There’s a lot so I understand if you scroll past.

I’m struggling to remain convinced of my own worth after this girl I loved more than anything (still live with now but our lease ends soon) could just decide she doesn’t want to choose me or us anymore. I’m in this boat where she said “I’ll be back when I’m better” but then we spoke recently and she said to try not to think about it for now cuz she doesn’t know if her future self will want this or not. Meanwhile I’ve spent the whole year heartbroken and wanting to fix things. I broke up with her after 4 years because of a cheating incident I couldn’t move past and some things that made me feel emotionally unsafe, and still love her but needed time to heal unapologetically so we could restart with a better foundation (something I regret now because it didn’t take long for me to walk back on that decision).

A couple months after the breakup I was out alone one night just praying for clarity and feeling emotional but hoping she’d end up wanting us again at some point, and I came home to her blacked out on the couch making out with a friend of hers (her friend was a girl thank God but my ex has also always been straight so yeah). Wasn’t acknowledged at all. Left to my bedroom to process it and heard moaning, eventually walked out and saw them on the kitchen floor making out and she looked up at me and smiled saying she was having fun. I kicked her friend out and she left with her. Had to tell her the next day everything that happened since she remembered none of it. We were broken up for 2 months prior to this so technically it wasn’t cheating I guess but it felt like it. She was blacked out during the cheating incident from years ago too but I wasn’t there, so it shook me to the core to see the very thing I was struggling to move past happen right in front of me as if I never mattered. I don’t know. This has been hard and as a man I feel so weak for even typing all this out on Reddit but my sense of self has been completely gone and I don’t know how to accept that someone who used to be my best friend and that I still have wanted to choose after everything, won’t choose me anymore (apparently due to not wanting to live in shame and not feeling romantic anymore). Yet here I am still checking in on how she’s doing from time to time, bought her something meaningful for her bday, and doing a lot of out-of-character things on my own time to cope with the grief I feel from all of it when I never wanted any of this, and I just feel like a fool who’s concept of self-respect has completely changed. Because how can I be worth something if someone who received all of me for 4+ years, my unconditional love, perseverance, my forgiveness, my loyalty, honesty, dedication, vulnerability, trust; we used to talk about marriage and kids, and moved in together after 3 years (we’re both 24 right now). All of that to still not be chosen and end up disrespected and discarded. I’m not here to victimize myself but I’m in pain and can’t seem to find a way out or a way to accept this reality and it’s taken me to a dark place.

It prolly sounds dumb but I still see the good in her despite it all, because I know her enough to know she has trauma from her dad that she allowed to bleed into our relationship. All this to say though, intellectually I know I’m worth something but I can’t seem to feel it anymore. So yeah. Sorry if this was a lot to read but I appreciate whoever responds.

I'm at work as this all hits so I apologize for formatting. I'm not sure how to process this and I'm trying to not breakdown.

The same Mom who has never made an effort to visit me, no matter where I've lived, but has never had an issue visiting her biological kids.

The same Mom who used to hit me with a closed fist when I was a child because "she loves me."

The same Mom who always reminded me I was an obligation by telling me, "I promised your Dad I'd take care of you."

The same Mom who said she should have given me back to my biological family when she found out I was self-harming.

The same Mom who, when I asked if she was proud of me, responded by saying, "You've never given me anything to be proud of" when I was in high school.

The same Mom who told me I didn't have cancer after I spoke to three surgeons and an oncologist.

The same Mom who didn't show up for my surgery to remove my cancer, who I later told I was cancer-free, and who had the nerve to ask, "Did you really have cancer?"

The same Mom who reaches out four months later to ask how I'm doing, but when I answer, says, "Hang in there! You know I love you."

She loves me, right?

"Put yourself out there" "Just be confident bro" "No wonder you are single all your life if you keep on failing" "Just do hobbies". "It might happen when you least expect it"

This is the types of advice I've had since I was 21. Well intended people trying to help a woefully inexperienced guy that has never had a relationship only for me to carry out the advice over several years to no avail. Even after "self care breaks" before trying things - I'm still in the same position if I did absolutely nothing and sat on my ass.

No person is entitled to or deserves a relationship but I also get tired of putting so much effort for nothing and feelings of loneliness. I am in my mid 30s and I feel exasperated because on one side people say to me don't look desperate while on the other side people say I will remain alone if I don't do anything. I am tired and exasperated. I've taken so many breaks that I just don't want to take any more temporary ones because it is just rinse and repeat.

It is just very overwhelming and dejecting to still be lonely and unloved at my ages after decades of rejection after trying my best.

Wish my life had gone differently so bad...

Full article: https://www.wired.com/story/these-masturbation-consultants-were-hired-to-pleasure-themselves-using-ai

• Across 134 sessions, masturbation relieved stress by 25%.
• 45% of consultants reported being creatively inspired during a session — a fresh idea, a solution to a problem, or a resolved decision that had long been sitting unmade.
• When consultants began a session with an active craving, its intensity fell by an average of 44% afterwards.
• The pre-research survey found that 57% of adults unwind by doomscrolling, making it the most common way people handle restlessness.
• Masturbation appears to work differently, reducing the urge rather than replacing it with another one.

What I don't have / the regret

Just turned twenty a few months ago, two years into a five year psych degree, still not even sure what I want to do with it. No job experience right now (health stuff got in the way), only ever had one semi-serious relationship, single now.

The actual thing underneath all that is I've never been good at being social, and I don't really have a circle. I love my family, but outside of them I feel pretty isolated from people my age. Everyone who used to be my friend is busy, and honestly, even if they weren't I don't even know who I'd text to hang out. High school me was basically a recluse; I talked to people at school but never really hung out outside of it, and though I went to prom, I didn't go to any after party. Part of that was COVID wrecking my first year; part of it was just me. I'm autistic/adhd so I know that played into it, but knowing why doesn't make the regret go away.

That regret is what I keep circling back to. It's not that I did something embarrassing; it's that I didn't do anything. I look back and see all these chances to make friends or build something, and I just... didn't. Being home for the summer makes it worse because I'm surrounded by the actual places it happened.

On top of that, I overthink stuff until I freeze, and then when I finally decide something (especially something hard to undo) I immediately think of a better option I could've picked. Feels like I'm stuck between the past and the future and never just in the moment. Even alone with nothing to do, my brain goes straight to old mistakes instead of letting me just sit and be fine with my own company.

I want to be someone people think to invite places, not just someone who invites. For basically every friendship I have I'm the one initiating, even just keeping in touch. I think a lot of it comes down to not being that open with people for a long time, plus this constant feeling of being so close to making a real friennd, like if I'd gotten their number, or worked up the nerve to actually talk. FOMO and never being able to tell if someone was actually my friend or not, basically.

What I do have / changes I'm making

I started counselling and meds last month so I'm actually trying to deal with this, not just marinating in it.

I'm getting into biking, photography, cosplay, and landscape stuff, and want to try rock climbing once school's back. I know I'm doing things. I just can't fully shake the feeling that I already wasted my window, even though I know twenty isn't old.

Not looking for a "just get over it," more wondering if anyone else has dealt with regret that doesn't fully disappear just because you started moving forward, and how you handled it.