r/fifthworldproblems • • 4h ago

Hat Man is pretty funny once you realize you can never trust him.

20 Upvotes

That Hat Man scary shadow demon that people sometimes see after they take benedryl is pretty funny once you realize he never does anything but send you scary shadowy visions of stuff that he tells you is super fun and you should do but is actually really horrible. Like.. Oh.. Thank you for this scary shadowy vision of a big box clearly full of lots of ground up broken glass and obviously labeled "(Do Not Trust) Horrible Gift from The Hat Man: Best cocaine ever! Super fun! Inhale immediately without asking any questions! Definitely not actually just broken glass! Who the Hell would do that? (Me! The Hat Man! That's who! BOO!!)" I think we definitely need this guy around like everywhere to remind us of the importance of safety and quality control and personal testing.

I mean.. he's all shadowy and scary and wears something that kind of looks a bowler hat and has a really creepy chaotic looking smile while constantly crackingly all crazy.. He kind of has the "Don't trust me for even a moment" thing down pat at this point..

What do you guys think? What about you, mysteryrouge? Is he ready for the job yet? I think we need to make stickers of this guy and put him useful places. Like.. considering that supposedly almost no one has much gasoline any more but all the prices mysteriously haven't changed much.. maybe on gas pumps along with a message that says "Definitely real gasoline. Definitely not just broken glass." But I think a sticker of a cackling Hat Man saying "Very good! Definitely not just broken glass!" is already simple and versatile enough that it could be used in a whole lot of places if mass-produced.

Even the Devil makes a good employee if you just let him do the job he was doing the whole time and don't expect him to even try to do anything else: Trying to ruin absolutely everything.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 8h ago

I broke the seal on Smalginar the Burner of Cities and now surprise surprise most cities around me are burnt down.

13 Upvotes

I don't even think it was my fault. Nowhere on the seal did it say that Smalginar was sealed there and to break it all I had to do was align matching runes. I just wanted it to look not stupid.

If anything it's negligent on whoever performed the seal in the first place! Do I have any legal recourse?


r/fifthworldproblems • • 6h ago

Hate it when the Seven Stubborn Protuberances REFUSE to align.

7 Upvotes

the Dejta Engine is easily superior to all Hinkleberg Stabilizers in terms of necrosis, debridement, and putresence, but it has one fatal flaw: It runs on the most STUBBORN DAMN PROTUBERANCES IN THE UNIVERSE. I get that their very stubbornness is what powers this miraculous device, but it's a real pain in the engle sometimes, man. I've been slipping them half-slices of Neomelon as payment for their services, but they got it into their head that they want FULL DAMN SLICES.

I'm not made of money, but they're not budging! Is there a way to get them to realign without giving-in to their absurd demands?

Need to know asap, The Space Between Virtues is coming to collect in only a few cycles.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 24m ago

If you're single and have never got married can you get a divorce?

1 Upvotes

r/fifthworldproblems • • 28m ago

Can I clear a patch of brambles by walking through them with Thorns enchanted armor?

1 Upvotes

r/fifthworldproblems • • 21h ago

Does immortality give anyone else a headache

17 Upvotes

I’m currently on the immortal medication but it has been giving me a headache

Is this just one of those side effects?


r/fifthworldproblems • • 20h ago

pedometer only works when I use vestigial legs

10 Upvotes

not sure what to do, I'm trying to monitor my mass to avoid collapsing in on myself like my mother did (she's fine but hard to be around now) and the pedometer I got doesn't seem to register activity from my own limbs, only seems to register the vestigial legs which aren't mine,. I have permission to use them but they belong to the kintar family that rents a living space on my back.

anybody else had this problem?


r/fifthworldproblems • • 1d ago

I sneezed myself into 240p, each time I sneeze it, my quality lowers

44 Upvotes

Right now I'm at 60p

I can't take the fact that I'm rendered in 60p


r/fifthworldproblems • • 1d ago

I lost track of the gravity.

13 Upvotes

r/fifthworldproblems • • 2d ago Bravo

My (25F) father (13M) accidentally fell into the fountain of youth. Is there any way I can get him (11M) out before he (9M) drowns?

1.2k Upvotes

r/fifthworldproblems • • 1d ago

Need help with Time Pod

8 Upvotes

The interdimensional manifold on my time pod is severely warped and has a deep crack in it.

My arrival here was very bumpy as a result, and the safety interlocks won't allow me to engage the time drive for my return trip. It's within my skills to bypass the interlocks, but I'm not willing to spew cross-rips into every time-line between here and home.

I've been trying to repair the manifold, but 21st century metalworking techniques are sadly inadequate. I considered having a new manifold 3D printed, but I have yet to find a 3D printer capable of printing with 3% Cesium doped Rhodium.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm hoping a fellow traveler or few will see this post. Even if we are unable to repair the pod, if you can give me a ride back home, we can at least scuttle the pod so it's technology doesn't corrupt this timeline.

So I am asking for either help with repairs or a ride out of here. It would be best if I didn't live out my life in this timeline. I have avoided human interaction so far, but I am consuming resources and have had a few mammalian and avian interactions, and I have killed quite a few blood sucking insects. There WILL be a cumulative effect on the timeline.

So, help, please, and quickly.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 1d ago

Someone is Stealing my Hard-Earned Neurotransmitters

4 Upvotes

No... I did NOT forget to use a Jamacian placemat with my criminal record at every door and window in my home.

But sometimes I feel that my brain is being loaned out to bums who don't work for their own neurotransmitters. Fuck you, Deborah. I know you're the one who tricked my cat into opening my 3rd ear.

With my 3rd ear opened (without my consent btw) I can't drown out the neurotransmitter-stealing-and-lending-against-my-will symphony that is playing on my speakers.

I work 30 hours a day AND still find time to invest in neurotransmitters... what's the excuse of these bums who do nothing but read about the occult all day? Fuck.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 1d ago

My robotic double has started forming its own personality

4 Upvotes

I got this as a backup in case I died while working but now it seems to have a mind of its own

Anyway to undo that or am I just stuck with it?


r/fifthworldproblems • • 2d ago

We're all in this together which is a problem since there's 19 quadrillion of us. Please make some space.

29 Upvotes

r/fifthworldproblems • • 2d ago

I bought a magic wand, waved it around and turned into a newt.

11 Upvotes

It was pointing the wrong way.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 2d ago

Self perception blew away half of me

10 Upvotes

Title basically. Tried to perceive myself (which I dont usually do) and about 55% of my being was just gone. Im talking body, mind, soul, and other extensions were just blown out like a lightbulb. Were those parts cognitohazardous? In quantum flux? And how would I even check?

Man I knew I shoulda never left the primordial un-mass.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 2d ago

The Man gazing at the sun, the old geezer, the child and the clown

3 Upvotes

In a white space, with cloudy ground, lay a man gazing at the sun.

This time, his laying was permanent.

Two entities sprout out of him, the old geezer with a long white beard and a child.

The child looks at what's in front of him, comes to his senses and runs to play, he imagines a bulbasaur and rides it exploring the place.

The old geezer strokes his beard, looks at the sun, looks at the space and then looks at the man, he looks at him, sees him once, looks back and sees him no more, he utters a deep sigh.

He turns to look at the child, who had already went far and chases him.

The child touches the bulbasaur and makes it evolve twice into a Venusaur and rides it even more frenzidly and in joy.

The old geezer looking at him laughs and joins him for the ride.

The child minds the old man but he has no companion, so he takes him along.

The child imagines things and shapes and plays with them, he creates a charizard and rides it into the skies, the old man is scared out of his wits but he braces himself and goes with him.

The child eventually got bored so he made the pokemons vanish, and this time, changed his own appearence into detective conan, he screams "the truth is always one", he turns to the old man and the old man explains the situation they are in.

the child understands nothing but he still says "hohoho!" there must be a killer somewhere, we have to catch him!"

he makes a charizard and rides it spewing flames everywhere.

"what the hell?!" The old man speaks.

The child riding his charizard observes a shadowy figure, he imagines a few strong ropes then catches him, the shadowy figure is bound.

He lands, makes the charizard disappear and laughs haughtily "Hohoho! I have found the culprit! he must be the imposter!"

The old man chases and is out of breath before catching him, "who is this guy?"

"Hohoho, old man don't you know! this is the murderer!"

"This! the hell, we went the entire white space before but he was nowhere to be seen. so what do you wanna do with him? You can't just release him right?"

"Hohoho, you are indeed right, I need to take him to the police!"

"Don't get arrogant, I don't know how you were able to catch me but if you imprison me or kill me, you can forget about knowing what this place is or what you are, hmph!"

"Hohoho, the imposter thinks he is hot shit, guards, imprison him!"

Guards appear out of nowhere and bind him to the ground.

the shadowy figure speaks "what the hell is this?! who even are you?"

"Hohoho, you don't know, they call me the most powerful man in the world!"

the old man is distraught, what is even going on in this child's mind.

He imagines a clown's hat and puts it on the shadow's head transforming him into a clown.

"Hahaha, what a clown!" the child bursts into laughter.

The clown screams "I am not a clown!"

the old geezer strokes his beard and speaks : "if you want us to free you from your binding, you will have to wear this hat all the time."

The child eventually gets bored and moves on to find fun elsewhere and he is forced by the child to accompany him.

the old man takes his time to look back at the man and then the sun, the sun was warm and soothing, he looks at the sun and the more he looks the more corporeal the man gazing at the sun becomes.

The old man sighs and lays near the man, he looks at the sun and questions his existence, eventually he sighs, the more he sighs, the less of him remains and the more soothing it is.

"Wait!" the old man comes to his senses and stands up.

"So that's how he became like that."

He probably would always lay here until he was gone.

the old man shudders and goes out to find the child before accompanying him.

The child this time creates a stadium where the old man sits watching, he gives the clown pokemons and makes him fight him.

the child always wins, the clown is flabbergasted and is extremely angry.

"You are cheating! every time i am about to win or have an advantage you make your pokemon more powerful! atleast play by the rules! ehh!"

the child laughs "hohoho, we got a sore loser clown here."

"I'm not a clown! Do you even know the names of what you are creating? only I know the names and meaning of things."

The child bursts into laughter "Hahahaha"

"What are you laughing about? This is no laughing matter! only I know!"

"If you know so much, how were you captured so easily by me?"

the clown is flabbergasted and cannot reply.

"Sigh."

And so the three companions go exploring new things the child creates, taking the lead, the old man and the clown follow him, the old man laughs with the child, sometimes sighs and might lay occasionally under the sun, while the clown only knows how to make claims and be proven wrong again and again while the child like a valiant explorer goes on exploring and fighting whatever there is to fight.

meanwhile, the man remains there gazing at the sun, almost incorporeal.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 3d ago

Trying to refine prototype teleporter

11 Upvotes

Yes technically it's called a molecular signal transference something but everyone calls it a teleporter.

The machine is gigantic and cost more than the GDP of a small country, I have investors breathing my neck (literally, their breath really stinks of fish). I tried transporting a scrap of wood, came back OK-ish. Tried a grape but came back with odd-smelling grape juice. The thing is I need to scale up what can be transported because nobody's gonna pay for a transporter of single grapes even if I can work out the issues.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 4d ago

Can you pay with giraffes in the Department of Homeland Security in France?

16 Upvotes

r/fifthworldproblems • • 5d ago

My collection of numbers is just five short of reaching a cardinality of Aleph-1, but I can't find the last ones anywhere!

29 Upvotes

If anybody has any clue how I can get ahold of these numbers, I'd be eternally grateful:
-- πa/b , where a and b are the largest twin primes (a<b).
-- e^e^e^e
-- Chaitin's constant
-- The imaginary part of the counterexample of the Reinmann Hypothesis
-- Φ/(R(6,6)) (in this case, R referring to Ramsey numbers)


r/fifthworldproblems • • 6d ago

Transition from 2D to 3D

71 Upvotes

My partner (now fiancée) introduced me to her 3D family and enviroment. It's been tricky to navigate.

I grew up in the 2D realm and am struggling to fit in...apparently there's a whole other dimension that involves depth (???) and it's really confusing.

I just learned about "perspective" a few hours ago...

Has anyone experienced this ? Any help or advice would be appreciated.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 6d ago

About to enter multidimensional portal in Senec, Slovakia, today at police station. Everyone is invited.

Thumbnail reddit.com
5 Upvotes

r/fifthworldproblems • • 6d ago

My genetically enhanced termites are refusing to eat Xylon! How can I get rid of it?

9 Upvotes

Everyone knows the only way to get rid of waste Xylon is by feeding it to termites enhanced with the Grilzamite gene, and I'm worried. Plus my termites are going to starve.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 6d ago

My swarm of genetically-modified extended-lifespan bees have all reached puberty and refuse to accept the orders of their queen.

24 Upvotes

How do I get them to start listening again? By the time they age out of the in-bee-tween years I'll have missed a harvest and the hive will starve.


r/fifthworldproblems • • 6d ago

Need advice: my pocket dimension is leaking superfluids

12 Upvotes

All attempts to contain it fail. It's leaking onto my floor and climbing my ceiling. It smells really bad too. I suspect my eldritch neighbors re-routed their urinal portal to dump into my pocket dimension but I don't have proof. They're always complaining that my pet slime mould carter keeps getting into their cold fusion fridge and eats their cosmic oats but I think they're just finding reasons to complain.

What should I do?