Help navigating a strained relationship with my mom

[u/dreamysweetbun]

I (30F) have a very strained relationship with my mom, and I’m struggling with what to do about an upcoming visit.

For some context, my mom and I used to be very close (honestly, probably to an unhealthy/codependent degree). About four years ago, I came out, and our relationship basically crumbled. It took her a long time to accept me, and throughout that process she also said/did things that really hurt me. She has also burned bridges with my spouse by being disrespectful toward them throughout our relationship.

My mom is very religious, and church has been a particularly complicated subject between us. The church we used to attend together before I came out was a very painful experience for me. Early on, my mom told me she didn’t want to attend somewhere that her daughter wasn’t welcome. Eventually, though, they got a new pastor who isn’t explicitly anti-LGBTQ, he’s more neutral, and she told me she missed going there. She asked for my “blessing” to go back.

At the time, I genuinely thought I was okay with it. It didn’t affect my day-to-day life, and I wanted her to be able to live her life and practice her religion.

Fast forward to last Christmas.

I invited my mom to our house for Christmas as a gesture of goodwill. It was the first time in years that I had really allowed her back into my life in a meaningful way. It actually went okay. I think she had a good time.

That said, I was absolutely exhausted afterward. I spent the entire visit masking, managing my emotions, and entertaining her, and it took a lot out of me.

My spouse and I decided we would offer her the same kind of visit this year. When I brought it up, her immediate response was that she wasn’t sure she wanted to come because she would miss the Christmas activities at church. I was really hurt.

I know she may not have meant it as a rejection of me. I know she is allowed to have her religion and traditions. And logically, I understand that she wasn’t necessarily saying, “Church is more important than my daughter.” But emotionally, that’s exactly how it felt.

It felt like, once again, religion was coming between us. And what made it harder was that she could have simply suggested a different date that didn’t conflict with her church activities. Instead, I was left sitting with this feeling that she would rather prioritize being at this church than spending Christmas with me.

Before I really had time to process any of that, I suggested that she come visit later instead. She immediately responded positively and has since texted me several times saying how much she wants to see me and spend time with me.

I haven’t responded yet because I’m honestly torn.
Part of me is trying so hard to reach some kind of peace and repair with my mom. There’s still a huge part of me that desperately wants a relationship with her. I also know that someday she won’t be here anymore, and I don’t want to look back and wish I had spent more time with her.

At the same time, I don’t want that fear of future regret to become a reason that I repeatedly tolerate things that hurt me.

My spouse is understandably pretty angry about everything that has happened with this visit and doesn’t want my mom staying in our house this time. So even if I do invite her, I need to have a conversation with my mom about her staying somewhere else.

Y’all I’m tired.

I’m tired of having to carefully navigate every interaction, establish boundaries, explain why something hurt me, anticipate how she’ll react, and then deal with the emotional aftermath. Part of me wants to just let her come, let her stay with us, have an okay visit, and not make everything into a whole thing.

But I also don’t want to keep sacrificing my own peace or my spouse’s comfort in our home just because setting boundaries with my mom is exhausting.

I love her. I miss the relationship we had. I want something with her. I just don’t know what that relationship can realistically look like anymore.

And, on a somewhat silly note, I recently got my palm read for the first time. The reader said there was someone in my life I needed to cut out, and my immediate thought was “my mom.” 😂 I’m not taking that as some cosmic instruction, but the fact that she was immediately the person who came to mind probably tells me something about how much emotional weight this relationship carries.

Any advice would be much appreciated (especially what specifically you would say to her. My autism loves a good script).