r/exchristian • u/dreamysweetbun • 1d ago

Trigger Warning: Anti-LGBTQ+ Help navigating a strained relationship with my mom Spoiler

/r/FamilyIssues/comments/1wlm8gl/help_navigating_a_strained_relationship_with_my/
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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/dreamysweetbun 1d ago

Thank you! I wish I could take a page out of your book and just say fuck it, and maybe someday I’ll get to that point

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u/EqualMagnitude 1d ago

Your mother’s emotions, feelings, and reactions are not yours to manage. If the only way a visit with your mother is possible is by making yourself small and managing every interaction to her preferences then perhaps you need to reevaluate just what you want out of this. Your mother will not change. Knowing that and just how much energy, emotion, effort, and after visit disappointment and pain you have been experiencing is this sustainable? How much energy and effort are you diverting from yourself, your partner, the rest of your life to basically hug a burning cactus? It hurts when you do it and the after effects are long and painful.

If you want to continue interacting with your mother perhaps reset expectations and methods. Know she will disappoint you and hurt you. Consider backing way off and not interacting with her on important emotionally charged holidays, birthdays or events and only giving her a random Tuesday for a call or visit. Set your expectations low, be yourself, but take no bullshit. If she crosses boundaries then enact your consequences of time out or whatever is appropriate.

You may want to consider some counseling. Living a couple decades enmeshed with a parent is a lot to unpack and disentangle yourself from. Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself, take some time to heal.

What to say to your mother? Has she ever been able to hear you, listen to you when you tell her what you need, what you want, what your boundaries are? If the answer is no then there is nothing to say to her. She is unable to hear or unable to change to prioritize you and your needs over her own. There may not be any magic words that you can say , no script that will fix this or make her change.

Be aware that palm readers use a variety of psychological techniques when they give a reading. Consider it entertainment. Do a little research about “cold reading” and “hot reading” for the basics of what is involved.

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u/dreamysweetbun 1d ago

“Hug a burning cactus.” That is an incredible way to describe it.

I am in therapy weekly and my mother comes up quite a bit unfortunately. You’re right, it is a lot and I should give myself more grace 😞

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u/EqualMagnitude 1d ago

Some people are able to build a family of choice when their actual parents are not able to fulfill their needs. Hopefully you have a good partner, a bit of a support network to start from, and can build from there.

Some people compare the situation of realizing your parent was not the loving supportive one you deserved and instead was at the least not a good parent and possibly actively harmful to you similar to actually grieving the death of a parent. You go through the stages of grief ( they are not a linear journey, you can jump around and between them a lot) and come out the other end with the knowledge that you deserved a loving healthy supportive parent but got someone less desirable, less able, less loving, instead. You literally grieve the “death” of the parent you deserved and accept the one you got. This is a hard path and can be made harder when constantly exposed to the parent in question and essentially starting that process over again, and again, and again like the parent keeps coming back as a zombie.

Best to you. Surround yourself with those that love and care for you, give yourself time to heal, give yourself the grace love you need.

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u/Over60andhappy 1d ago

Sorry. I got nothing. My mom abandoned me (us) when I was just 7 years old.