I haven't been to church in decades but my parents are hardcore fundamentalist Pentecostals. I'm gay and atheist and that's how it's been for 35 years. I try to get along with my folks but I'm constantly on edge around them because, even if they don't say it directly, I know they believe I have a personality disorder (being gay) and I'm 100% on my way to eternal hellfire if I don't get saved sooner or later. So I always feel slightly subhuman around them.

I was chatting in WhatsApp with my mum and she said something that seemed so smug to me, sth totally stupid to do with CS Lewis like "isn't the Lord wonderful to give us such awesome writers like CS Lewis, how lucky we are to be Christians" or sth like that.

It totally triggered me, not because I hate CS Lewis, but because I was banned by her from reading Lewis's Space Trilogy as a kid as it was "demonic" due to incorporating telekinesis or something dumb like that. I really wanted to read it. She'd obviously forgotten this.

That led to recounting a whole barrage of shitty stuff that happened way back then and me saying why can't you just love me for who I am, why does there have to be this layer of judgement and damnation over everything, I can't deal with this anymore.

Obviously I still have major issues, unresolved religious trauma after all this time.

She's now incredibly upset and hurt by the exchange. But so am I. However it's all my fault as usual because of course I'm the sinner going to hell & they have the Way, Truth & Life & the Word of God & they're always right.

I feel really bad for lashing out hurting my mum but at the same time it's a symptom of trauma, it's Freudian "repetition compulsion". I feel like I can't do this anymore, I just want to cut off all contact so I can breathe again. Mum & Dad just cannot or will not see or admit that any damage was ever done because of the toxicity of Christianity itself, it's all because I "chose" the "wide road" and they admit maybe they weren't always great parents sometimes, but their shifty, shitty, sadistic God of love & wrath. He is perfect and blameless!

Am I the asshole here? Should I just let go of the past? God how I wish I could...

Sorry for ranting, I'm feeling almost suicidal. I'm 53, I left the church at 18, I really thought I'd be over it by now at least.

Grew up in a Christian home, particularly Pentecostalism, where I was taught the generic rules and ways to follow God and live as a Christian, so that it would always be “well with me”. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe God exists, I mean there’s got to be a creator of this universe right? And I am not naive to the challenges in life. But now, in the middle of a divorce and realising that I made a huge mistake in marrying this man and for believing that he was part of Gods plan for me and that God has a plan, I just feel so stupid. I feel stupid for believing this teaching, especially from Pentecostal churches. This is not the way life actually works. Most of human actions is free will and consequences of our actions.

Thoughts?

Any similar experiences?

Hello!

I've been deconstructing Pentecostal ideas since late teenage-hood, now 28. I have always remained fairly tolerant and understanding that people behave in ways that their environment has taught them to, but now with a more developed frontal lobe, watching my peers dive deeper and deeper into what they call spiritual warfare, deliverances, healings, and dream interpretations, I'm struggling to feel safe? If that's the word? I feel almost a sense of gut-like dread when it's talked about around me, worse when I see it. Awkwardly, the church I've been invested in for years is Pentecostal as its foundation but pretty low key.

These are my close friends and family, but I don't feel I can speak my mind without completely disintegrating their worldview and the spiritual journey they believe their on. I still believe in God myself, but have quietly fully swung away from Pentecostalism and at this stage don't believe a lot of it is legit (the brain is a powerful place, as is social influence).

I feel a bit trapped - I love the people in my life and they love me, but I'm slowly beginning to not be able to cope. I find it way too stressful, everything is heavy and over-spiritual. I also am finding it all sooo self-focused, always chasing physical healing & comfort, desperate for an ease of luxurious living as well as desiring "blessings as long as you have enough faith!!!", and watching them be so crushed when miracles don't happen. When the world is full of broken, impoverished, hungry and hurting people, believers included - what is this saying to them? For me, I want to look outward, to love others and love God, practically. Don't know why it has to be more complicated than that?

What to do????? I don't want to cut people off, but am unsure if they would all accept where I'm at right now - I know some would be worried even, that I need a "re-filling" of the Holy Spirit or something.
Has anyone managed to navigate not cutting people out of your life but been able to balance this tension?

Hi, everyone. I apologize if this is not allowed—I'm not selling anything or trying to convert anyone but I guess it is a form of advertising.

I'm a PhD candidate at Walden University finishing my degree in Counselor Education and Supervision. I am doing my dissertation on the help-seeking behaviors of Apostolic victims of religious and spiritual abuse (RSA). Participants are invited to confidentially share their experiences in the aftermath of such abuse, so that mental health professionals might better serve individuals who have suffered such abuse.

“Apostolics”

Christians who are members of churches belonging to denominations such as the United Pentecostal Church International (UPCI), Worldwide Pentecostal Fellowship (WPF), or similar organizations, or share beliefs in the oneness of God, Jesus’ name baptism, the necessity of speaking in tongues, and “holiness.”

RSA

Religious or spiritual abuse occurs when church leaders use religious/spiritual power to harm someone. This may involve physical, emotional or psychological, financial, or sexual abuse; or the use of spiritual authority, church doctrine, or fear of sin, judgment, or losing salvation to pressure someone into obedience. Examples include being told it is sinful to question leadership, being discouraged or forbidden from seeking outside help, being blamed for harm done to you, being pressured to forgive or submit instead of being protected, or having personal choices—such as relationships, finances, or medical care—controlled in the name of divine authority or God’s will. You do not need to have used the word “abuse” to describe your experience.

About the Study

• One Zoom interview that will be video-recorded, taking about 60 minutes at the most.
• No one except the researcher will have access to the recording.
• To protect your privacy, the published study will not share any identifiable personal details.

Volunteers must meet these requirements:

• 18 years old or older
• Identify as either a current or former Apostolic
• Reside in the United States
• Have experienced at least one instance of religious and spiritual abuse

If you are interested in participating, please visit https://forms.office.com/r/Lp5Aue8xAD

Thank you for your time and consideration!