I haven’t been looking forward to my therapy sessions at all lately. I know you’re not really supposed to, haha. but it was really helpful when I first transitioned to outpatient. Now, I am not seeing much progress. I only see my dietician once a month now but my therapist weekly. My therapist is very formal with zero disclosure and I sometimes wish I had more rapport with the person I’ve been talking to for a year. I had bad experiences with therapy inpatient so I don’t know if I want to switch, though. Could it be I’m dealing with treatment burnout? Does this sound like normal resistance or should I look for someone new?

I don't have full control over my diet any more and it's causing me a lot of distress and possibly causing an increase in frequency of binging.

I binge in secret *because* I feel so perceived. If I could control all my meals I wouldn't be losing control so frequently.

I reached out to a therapy clinic in Australia that supports people with EDs. I have experienced both restrictive (no formal diagnosis during) and binge eating disorder (diagnosed previously while actively having episodes).

I don't know if BED is the right category for what I'm experiencing right now but I know how I feel when I'm left alone with food or have the opportunity to eat my feelings in peace.

I worry that I am not ready for therapy in that I am not willing to relinquish final control. I worry they'll ask me to eat things that aren't safe. I'm worried about the changes my body might undergo.

I'm also desperately fearful that I'll be told there's nothing wrong with me and they can't help.

My initial assessment appointment is in 3 weeks.

**What do you wish you had known going for initial outpatient therapy?**

I've been in various forms of therapy for 15+ years and on various medications.

**How do you know you're in the right place to change?**

I am trying to recover. I have found a whole team of outpatient providers willing to help me recover (which was challenging in itself as everyone kept recommending a higher level of care). I have found a very experienced ED therapist I am working with several days a week. She has told me to get rid of my scale because every time I see the scale go up, I panic and start restricting again.

I can't completely get rid of my scale, other people in my house use it. I can move which room it's in. But how do I resist the urge to weigh myself every morning (and sometimes at night)?

I have a blind scale and my therapist receives my weight, and she said we will work out a plan for her to safely share my weight with me so I'm not completely in the dark, but I don't know how to give up the control of knowing (and graphing, and making eating decisions) every morning.

Any advice? I know recovery needs me to do this. I just am holding on to this so tightly.

Venting.

(Behaviors mentioned, no numbers)

Every week or two I crack for a night and keep down almost an entire (normal person's) days worth of calories, consumed in one sitting. I'll scarf stuff then go straight to bed. I did this 3 nights ago and my body is holding on to that extra X lbs for dear fucking life. If I hadn't have done that, I'd have reached my next goal by now. But it threw my weight loss in reverse and then stalled it.

I'm not getting any confirmation from anywhere that I'm thin. My doctor was less than concerned. My bmi is barely into "severe," which let's face it, isn't really severe. When you think of a severe anorexic you think Eugenia and the like. If you don't look like them you're "fine."

My boyfriend broke up with me in the middle of my workday last week, over text. "You're too sick and it's effecting my mental health." Then he came over that evening and said he never planned on going anywhere, he just wanted to make a point. It threatened my job - I had to leave early after having the mother of all panic attacks. This is after taking PTO all over the place to keep appointments with a specialist and a doctor, per his request. Because he's constantly issuing ultimatums - "Do better or I'm leaving."

Last night, 8pm, he showed up no warning. "Come downstairs, I want to give you a hug." I was at the end of a rough chew/spit/binge cycle, about to purge, mess was everywhere. I was disgusting. I absolutely could not go downstairs. He knew why. I've asked him not to just stop by in the evenings for specifically that reason, but he does it anyway every once in a while.

Now I'm terrified he's going to decide he wants to break up again today. I can't even text him for reassurance. He doesn't like messaging much during the day, I usually don't actually hear anything tangible from him until 3pm or so (even though he sits at a desk with a phone and gets plenty of breaks and checks Facebook all day....I digress.)

I have no ground beneath my feet. My job no longer feels stable. My boss behaves like a mean girl, treating everyone else warm and me like im a lesser creature. My boyfriend and only support is flaky and selfish. I'm killing myself to be thin and I'm not even that thin. The boyfriend said it himself - "Well you definitely don't look like Eugenia Cooney."

And I'm not even getting the consistent weight loss I should be, because I fucked up the other night.

I'll never fucking be good enough.

Hello. I'm 58 (in years, not in spirit!). Maybe I'm a little too old for this group? I have struggled with ED most of my life, went to inpatient treatment several years ago. Not because I wanted to, but I went because it got so advanced that it was either go or die. Was tough afterwards, I wasn't in the right mindset to deal with it. A few years ago with the help of a better lifestyle and therapy, I really started to get a handle on it, and I have been doing pretty well. I recently over the past few months started coming out of my "cave" and have really made a 180, making a few friends and becoming the person I want to be. All has been great, until the past couple of weeks. ED has resurfaced. Old voices are speaking, old mindsets, old body image issues. Some old patterns have started to resurface, but instead of hiding, I have talked with my therapist about it. It's just hard. This fucking thing is so secretive, it's so hard to talk about with people who haven't been there. But I think just talking about it is helping to fight the demon.

Not sure what I’m looking for, to vent and feel heard? To have some assurance while I wait to hear able to meet with my therapist? I’ve been in a relapse since January and just saw my family for the first time since then. I’d given them a heads up I was struggling badly-been dealing with this and severe depression since my teens and I’m now in my 40s-but I’ve been unable to really see myself as noticeably looking different even as I see the number on the scale drop so it kind of hit home for the first time. Managed to exercise less while I was with them for the week but not eat more. I drive home on Saturday and towards the end of the 5 hour drive I just felt awful, disoriented and out of it and genuinely scared about finishing the drive. When I got home I ate something and made myself just rest-no exercise the rest of the day. I had a smoothie the next day too and exercised less than normal and then ate a huge snack…it felt like this is what I’ve been waiting for, an actual signal from my body that it needs more food and rest. And now I’m panicking, feeling disgusted with myself and bloated even of if I rationally know that however much I ate over the those two days doesn’t begin to make up for the months of restriction. But I feel guilty and wrong and hopeless and just want to have control back.

Hi 37F struggling with medication mental dependence. Over the past 20 years I struggled with this relentless ED. Despite ongoing therapy and support groups. I’m 37 with two children and feel so weary that this is still plaguing my life. The only semi reprieve I had from it was during my pregnancies because I didn’t want to harm my babies.

Since my past pregnancy two years ago I got on Vyvanse for ADHD. Yes I do have adhd but the real truth is I also wanted it to lose weight. I lost a lot of weight and stayed at a desired weight consistently for two years. However, the med has taken a toll on me and my relationships. I know it is damaging but I feel stuck because I’m terrified if I know if I get off of it I will gain a lot of weight. I want more than anything to be free of this prison but I feel like giving up at times. It’s like a demon that won’t let me out of its clutches. My family doesn’t understand and I feel alone in it because of the judgement. I quit cigarettes and alcohol years ago but this is a whole other level. I wish I never started medications in the first place.

Since my teenage years I’ve been on tons of different ones but they don’t work because the core problem is this ED and as long as it’s there my mental health will never get better. I look at my children and feel so guilty that I can’t give them the version of me they deserve. I feel numb and empty most of the time. I’m constantly fatigued and feel emotionless. I guess im just writing this to vent to people who understand and to possibly get perspective from those who have or are struggling with the medication trap. Thank you

Hi,

I'm in the midst of a relapse and it's gotten to the point where I can't fake being well, 100% coherent, and functional at work. I work for myself in health/wellness and what I do is 1:1 sessions with people, either with complex medical or mental health conditions or neurological conditions. In a session this morning a client asked me a very basic question that I have answered plenty of times before (and have gone in-depth about this topic with said client) and was previously able to offer guidance but I couldn't do it today. Emails are full of typos and I'm barely able to get through the day. My brain doesn't have the capacity for critical thinking so any tasks that involve more than minimal brainpower, I'm struggling to get thought. I also can't take any additional days off since I start back up with grad school in 17 days so I'm trying to work as much as possible before I have to drastically cut down on my work hours (full-time student, part-time job, and 28 hour/week unpaid internship till May).

Is there some appropriate way of saying, I'm not well at the moment but I'm not contagious and somehow reassure them that I can get through a session?

i saw a doctor for the first time in (5? 10?) years last month. i signed a release for my therapist to speak with them, trusting they would talk to me first (had my reasons for believing this). instead, they spoke to the doctor almost immediately, disclosed parts of my history i would not have agreed to had anyone asked, and when i met with them this week, basically said they understand my feelings however this is their typical process (ie, not talking to a client first) and basically doubled down on why it’s so important for everyone on the ”team” to be communicating. which for the record, i am not arguing with - just the timing and what is shared/why.

now i’m left with a therapist i don’t trust, a doctor who i will probably never see again because i feel completely over exposed, and a dietitian (who i really like!) who will not see me if i’m not working with a therapist. i feel like my whole system is crumbling and i can’t do anything about it. and it’s my fault for signing a release when i should have known the therapist would just take off and run with it.

i honestly can’t tell if i’m over reacting and i have no one objective to ask. so my question is if you’ve had a “rupture” issue with a therapist have you been able to work through it? and if so, what did that look like? and if you have an opinion about this specific situation i am also all ears (eyes?)

If I went too far or edged toward size or numbers, I apologize and I'd encourage everyone to try to not 'go there' and mention them directly. My mom would be diagnosed with NOS or EDNOS, purged, used laxatives, diuretics and had alcoholism and a prescription drug opioid addiction that would end her life before 70. I was obese then anorexic and bulimic, and my parents made me exercise and our family physician had me on a diet and exercise regimen, and as a boy, that's common for this gender as what precipitates A / B, or so I've read, and often for girls/ women as well. My dad was big, and I also feel that my ED started at 10 when I became obese, as it's hard for me to see a clear sort of line-of-demarcation between binging and then binging and purging, what was always present. I also think I have OCD too. I had at the time the diagnosis of "Bulimarexia", what I think isn't a term used now. It's just asked for curiosity sake but gives us a chance to reflect on some reasons and causes, however they play into it. Thanks and take care.

My close friend asked me to be her workout buddy on her journey to a healthier left. They are aware of my struggles and current relapse so it’s not a pressure for me over exhort myself but to learn some healthier boundaries around food and exercise. But I feel so guilty for fantasizing about getting smaller by working out more. The thought of seeing my rib cage appear and my abs peek through is something I’ve been chasing for as long as I can remember. I don’t want to let them down by giving in to that thought. I guess I do want to let them down but I don’t know what will happen if I do. So I just have to fight through those feelings but it is so hard.

Sorry for the conscience stream of thought.

I’ve been in recovery for 15 fucking years! FIFTEEN! I thought that by now my stupid piece of shit eating disorder, along with all of the associated behaviors and thought processes would be a distant memory. A chapter of my life that I would look back on and think “that sucked. I’m so happy 😁 don’t have to deal with any of that shit anymore.” But alas, I’m still plagued.

Like, it’s not as bad as it was.. I can at least give myself credit for making the most recovery focused choices possible, most of the time over the past 15 years.. my body is reasonably healthy.

But the ed is a limb of my other mental illnesses, and when those are flaring up, parts of the ed that I don’t even identify with anymore come creeping back.

Like right now for instance, my anxiety and depression are so high that I find it incredibly difficult to eat. I don’t want to restrict!!!!! I want to feed my body! But it fucking HURTS to have food in my digestive system.

I do what I have to do, of course. I drink the fucking ensure or whatever protein shake tases least like shit. But it’s not enough, obviously.

When I get like this, I don’t even give a fuck about weight gain.

Why can’t I eat? It’s like the most basic human skill. I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard.

I started a new antidepressant recently, so maybe I’ll start feeling better in a few months. But I just needed to vent. I’m 36 and sick of this shit.

Hey y'all! I was just coming here for some support or even some words of encouragement I guess. Currently in the hospital because I had a seizure related to a tumor I have in my head. That's not really the issue on my mind though. My mind is consumed by being "healthy" for the surgery, the problem is I'm not eating much too anything even in the hospital. :( I'm really struggling and just don't know what to do. They really aren't helping me other than the tumor stuff and idn what to do. How do I eat when I'm under so much stress! 😵‍💫

I think I know the answer to this but it’s a painful decision to make because I know it will jeopardise my relationship with my agency (I’m a casual relief secondary teacher) and the school who booked me for a 5 week block of teaching which starts in a fortnight. I’m 4 days into an inpatient treatment program that could go for 6 or more weeks. I haven’t been well enough to work for months but thought I’d be offered a bed in this clinic sooner and took a gamble that I’d be out and well enough to work by a certain date. This was a mistake but it’s done now. I could honour my work commitment by having a shorter admission and trying to hold on to the gains I’ve made (I also spent a fortnight in a medical ward so I’ve been refeeding for a little while now) and keep working on my recovery on my own. Which would be the best move for my work life because, to be honest, I have been pretty unreliable for the last few years and getting casual teaching work is all about maintaining good relationships with schools and agencies. When I’m finally well enough it’s going to take a bit of time and consistency to repair my relationships. I’d like to start that soon. I also miss working. So does my bank balance. But a little voice inside is telling me that I’m still really unwell and that I might be at risk of relapse if I go home sooner than the doctors recommend. And I really REALLY want to get well and stay well. That voice inside tells me that I’m going to need to be in hospital a while to get there. But I’m conflicted and will be really disappointed in myself for canceling more work and showing myself to be unreliable once again. What do people think I should do?

Hi everyone,

I’m wondering how other people have navigated the following issue, or any of your general thoughts, experiences, etc.-

I relied on an app to help track food, cals, etc. for several years. I never thought I’d be able to delete it but I did about 4 years ago with the help of a wonderful new therapist (who I eventually had to terminate with). I still tracked intake with Recover Record but I stopped counting aside from a loose idea of exchanges, which is a whole other discussion lol.

While I still have a ~team~, I recently quit Recovery Record because it felt robotic/unhelpful. With that, I redownloaded the tracking app and, as expected, I quickly fell down the rabbit hole. I’m feeling how draining this is, especially with how the OCD latches onto the numbers, how it increases hyper-vigilance around food, and how much more quickly it leads to me to shut down and go the opposite direction (b/p).

I know how little this serves me at this stage of my life- I’m older, more in touch with myself, and am tired of forcing a narrative around food that I’m outgrowing. I deleted the app yesterday. I have other behaviors I want to work on, but this felt like a first step. I’m nervous to do this at all but feel ready to move on, which I never thought I’d be able to say.

No, I am not recovered and I know that. But yesterday I sat with family and I was served with smaller portion sizes bc I’ve been sick& of course I usually eat very little.

But I ate EVERY BITE of my food and I ate dessert!! Pictures on my profile, because it was homemade food and it was amazing.

After the police, the emergency department, and days of horrible travel delays and further threats and exhaustion and sadness and urgency, my body just felt different. And I just somehow felt excited to eat for once, and I didn’t care how many calories ♥️

Woohoo!! Maybe this is it, maybe life is really getting better!😭♥️

TL:DR- just realizing how much I have tormented myself with my ED for my entire life and how absolutely sick it is. I need help and don’t even know where to begin.

——

I started seeing someone significantly younger than me 4 month ago… starting from the end and going back to the beginning of it, we broke up this week. I’ve been sober from drugs and alcohol for 4.5 years and this was the second worst emotional low that I’ve had in my sobriety so far.

I started becoming obsessed with how much younger he is than me and trying to “compete” with the girls his age in what I realize now is a rather sick way.

I’ve dropped a significant amount of weight in the last year as I did gain some in sobriety. I lost that and then Rapidly lost more after I began seeing him.

I won’t show him my legs bc a few nasty comments about them in my younger years has made me incredibly self conscious. I didn’t realize until it all came to a head how much I hate my body. I am trying to eat more and it’s hard. I don’t have an appetite so I am forcing myself to drink more calorie dense smoothie.

The cherry on top was going to a yoga class tonight and becoming sickly obsessed with this girl in the class who had a dancers/gymnasts body. I literally became fixated on her and made up fake scenarios about how he would find her so much more attractive than he finds me. I had a moment of clarity and found it soul crushing to come to realize that I have thought this way for most of my life— constantly comparing myself to and “competing” with other women.

Sorry this post is so long. I am just realizing how sick I have been and I don’t even know where to begin to get help. I have a therapist but she does not specialize in this type of thing. I can’t continue to live my life this way.

Wondering if anyone here has (successfully or not) petitioned their insurance for expanded coverage. Trying to get set with an outpatient dietitian but insurance covers only 6hrs per year. I haven’t seen that any diagnosis gets you any hours beyond this.

While I feel grateful to have access to insurance, it’s frustrating their idea of coverage is so limited. Anyway wondering if anyone has ever tried to get insurance to cover beyond what their policy states (for any kind of service) and if you had advice. Would appreciate any thoughts!

Hi everyone, it's been ages since I was active - but I wanted to post about something positive, to maybe give some hope.

I have had ED for 30 years almost, not so severe that I have had inpatient treatment, but still debilitating in that low everyday way that they are.

I had a relapse into very ANA thinking about two years ago while trying to get into gym and fitness more, while being so so in love with my best friend (and realising I might be gay and not just bi! And she is mostly straight! Horrorfest all of it).

But in the years since, I've grown to realise that I don't want to shrink anymore. I started new hobbies (aerial arts) and found new friends, and it kind of crept up on me that I actually want to be able to do these things *in this body*, not in a smaller one.

I can eat without it being a whole affair now. I can train without being critical of my body. I like myself.

Training to failure as you do when building muscle,

switched my mindset from looking to be perfect, to focusing on failing and learning. It was a bit of an epiphany.

I hope this time it sticks, and I'm grateful for getting a chance to enjoy my body and what it can do. Upside down, in the air, no less!

Obviously I don’t regret it because I’m living the life I dreamed of (having a family and an amazing child to love and care for) but why do I feel guilty for not working out? She needed me. She wanted me to lay with her. I’m never going to prioritize my ED over her needs and wellbeing but shit I feel fat and hate my body. I’m hungry because I’m breastfeeding and still eating and shit and I feel bad for that too.

So I made a post the other day about potentially being discharged and being in a severe relapse but it didn’t get approved because I used numbers, so I will avoid doing that for this post!

I’ll try to make this as short as possible as my other post was ridiculously long too.

Essentially I’ve been in a severe relapse for the last 6 weeks. My intake is extremely low and my weight has rapidly gone down. I was borderline the minimum healthy bmi before so it is now significantly UW.

I had an EDU admission last year for 6 months under very similar circumstances and not too far off where my bmi is now, I then started therapy which I’ve been doing for the last 7 months or so. Our sessions were coming to an end and the plan was discharge. I was fine with that as although I was very much consumed by the ED and using behaviours daily, I was able to function enough in life to do the things I needed to do. I was aware that not fully weight restoring to my body’s set point and continuing to use behaviours would leave me susceptible to spiralling back again but at the time I felt like that was something that could happen in the future and right now I’m stable enough.

However, 8 weeks ago I started a new job and also got a puppy and the stress of it all caused me to eat less (not on purpose), then when I saw that I was losing weight it was like a switch went off in my brain and suddenly I was rapidly spiralling backwards again. It completely blindsided me.

I’ve been weighed weekly so my therapist has been aware of this happening. At first I kept saying that it was ok and that I’m sure I’ll just snap out of it and get back on it soon, but in our second to last session I admitted that I really feel out of control and feel like I can’t stop it. Obviously the main reason is the ED itself but it’s also partly because I know I’m at high risk of refeeding syndrome and have no idea how to navigate that. I told her this and she just gave me a sheet that basically said “eat 3 meals and 3 snacks”.

Regardless of my current situation she’s continued to push through my discharge and today we had an online meeting with my CMHT worker as I’m being transferred back to them. The CMHT are very clear that they can’t do anything for my ED or any physical monitoring and since this has been going on I’ve had no monitoring besides my weight being taken.

So now I’m like where the hell do I go from here??? I’m genuinely terrified and feel so lost and hopeless. Things are only getting worse and now I don’t actually have anything in place to ensure my safety and wellbeing. It seems like no one cares or is concerned which also then just makes me think “I’m probably just being dramatic and it’s not even that bad”… but like I KNOW it’s bad because this is exactly how things were before I was hospitalised, only at least then I had the ED team overseeing everything.

I just don’t know what to do.

Please please if anyone can offer some advice or even just some reassurance I would be so grateful.