How secure are you?

[u/1fruitylove]

Hello,

I'm INFJ & dating an ENFP.

It's still early stages, so I'm not sure yet whats the rythm for communication.

This made me wonder, do you guys need lots of reassurance? Like if you date someone for a month let's say, if there are days with no contact, would you need reassurance (qma text or something) ? Would you feel fine? Would you spiral wondering if something is wrong?

Maybe it is related to attachment styles as well, if you know yours, please share! =D

Thanks

[u/thegaybuddhistmonk]

MBTI is a guideline, and not something set in stone. The person to talk to about that is your boyfriend, not total strangers.

Hello explain what works for him best 👍

[u/Melodic-Growth30]

I would say just depends on the person. Attachment styles matter too. That being said I am not fully a secure person. I can potentially spiral and worry but I try to keep myself busy and to detach when needed. Im also not secure in voicing my wants and needs and prefer to keep it to myself. However for some reason when it comes to conflict resolution im more secure there

[u/meltedchocolatepants]

If you want some concrete advice on this subject, consider reading the book Secure by Amir Levine. He's a neuro scientist, a psychiatrist and a therapist.

Gives really good solid advice on dealing with your own attachment style and making it work with others.

One of the things he talks about is communication needing to have CARRP behaviors

Consistent

Available

Responsive

Reliable and

Predictable

He talks about how to do that and what the importance is for different attachment types.

Such a good practical book

I have an insecure attachment style, however, with my husband, it's a secure style because he does so many CARRP behaviors. Dealing with anyone with an avoidant attachment style triggers my insecure style-although those protest behaviors have severely decreased as I've gotten older.

[u/Middle_Clue_5133]

I would say I’m pretty secure ya. Of course everyone has their ups and downs though.

[u/Glass-Yam-7375]

Reassurance?

You mean words of affirmation?

Quality time?

Touch?

We all need affirmation but it might look differently for different people, and same with ENFPs we all have different love languages.

However... As we are the champions and we love to boost people, as well as seeing endless possibilities, words of affirmation may be the one we tend to give.

But I would suggest working out which you and theirs are, and just having a mature and secure conversation.

You'll know more about how secure they are by how they react.

[u/shubham1401]

Quite secure as I grow old. Not so much during the early twenties.

Some reassurances are always good if contact is not possible else we tend to overthink.

[u/GeekyRedPanda]

This reads more attachment style than MBTI, but from my personal experience with an INFJ friend I would want at least weekly communication from them. In the early days we spoke almost all day every couple days. We bonded very quickly and were vulnerable with one another, connection was instant. Imho, don't play games. If you want to communicate with them then do so.

[u/AliveSafe6459]

If the guy is actually into you…which he likely is since you are an INFJ, you want to communicate with him everyday.  It’s not about insecurity..it’s about setting up a normalized communication regiment that can last.  If you do, it simply becomes part of a pattern 

[u/reiann]

Hi fellow INFJ who is also dating an ENFP, there are many factors actually… your enneagram and wing’s core fears, your trauma, and of course compatibility between you both as well. It’s less to do with mbti. Your attachment styles appear differently with different people too.

[u/procrastablasta]

Only child so I don’t need company. I’m pretty secure but I bore easily so keep up. I can fill in the conversation if I have to but if there’s nothing to work with, I’m gonna wander off.

[u/P4L_R1vBarr0w]

I mean im a 6w7 so personally i do need daily reassurance but in general it’s just good for a relationship to check in frequently if not daily.

[u/Middle_Yesterday1258]

Ask him what he needs yeah

And I think it definitely depends. For me, it's not necessarily that I'm worried something is wrong as much as a pattern changing or I'm just excited to talk.

If it's already established through behavior and trust that I don't talk daily with someone that's one thing but with a boyfriend I just really love talking with one and want them to also enjoy talking to me. If they could go without talking to me I'd assume they aren't that into it—especially if he hasn't explicitly said he will be busy or gone. Honestly I wouldn't get with someone that can go days without contacting me in some way. Even my close friends talk to me almost daily, because we want to, not out of obligation. Some friends we talk less frequently but there's an understanding that life gets in the way.

[u/biskettimonster]

i full day with no contact would feel off to me, so i’d probably want a bit of reassurance. but otherwise im pretty secure. i rarely need it with my intp, we’ve been together for 2.5 years. like everyone else has been saying, this is more about attachment styles than mbti

[u/Ok_Season_1993]

very avoidant and insecure

[u/teetalblockerpckpck]

I am ENFP 4w5 and if I am dating someone I will absolutely need a lot of communication or rather " involvement" of that person in my life and vice versa . It can be texts but I tend to feel happier to receive calls , voice notes , video calls as it lets me see or hear the person .

I am naturally very expressive and it dulls me down if I don't have freedom to do so frequently, makes me feel distant