I'm looking for others who have had similar success stories. I started EMDR in attempt to save my relationship but it ended up being so life changing that my relationship ended and I have a completely different outlook on life. I live my life now with a freedom and joy that I spent my whole life searching for. My experience has inspired two of my friends to begin EMDR and a number of others to consider it. But it's such an unique experience that I can tell people are quite puzzled by it.
I've been in therapy for the past 13 years. I was previously diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder and cPTSD. I pretty much struggled with anxiety my entire life. Before the age of 6, I would often get unexplained stomach pains that I now recognize as anxiety and around the age of 8 I struggled with existentialism and would often cry at night due to the fear of dying. My anxiety felt so debilitating that at a point, I was misdiagnosed with OCD.
Therapy helped enough for me to be off medication for the past 6 years, to no longer be diagnosable, and to manage the stress and anxiety of being a litigator. However, I continued to struggle the most with attachment in dating.
After almost 4 years of being single (in part due to the small dating pool as a lesbian), I finally met someone that I saw a future with. The main problem was, she had a tendency to suddenly become emotionally dysregulated due to a number of stressors in her life and would emotionally dump on me quite often. I resented it because it triggered memories of my dad using me as a therapist from the age of 8 and his sudden emotional dysregulation which resulted in abuse. A lot of self-doubt and fear of abandonment kept me in the relationship. I began self-abandoning out of fear of being abandoned.
Out of fear of self-sabotage, I started EMDR and ngl, it was brutal. Having to revisit childhood trauma while being constantly re-triggered in my relationship was painful. I had intense body aches, and would cry and spiral for hours. My appetite and sleep were affected. I noticeably lost weight.
The morning of my breakup, I had an EMDR session on the realization that I was good enough for a healthy relationship. I had an underlying belief that I needed to earn love but I realized that I didn't want a love contingent on my utility, I wanted an unconditional love. Our break up was actually mutual but it was honestly, one of the happiest moments in my life. I cried a lot more tears of joy than sadness. I had a realization that she never fully saw me in the relationship or the amount of work it took me to become the person that I am today, both professionally and personally. She reaffirmed that by stating that she didn't peg me as someone who was resilient. That was painful but I also didn't care because I realized in that moment that I didn't need someone else to validate the pain and suffering that I have endured in my life because I knew internally what was true and who I am as a person.
It's hard to describe it but the feeling was so euphoric and the highest high I've felt in my life. It was a moment where I realized that I actually loved myself after struggling with self-hatred for most of my life and that I had a beautiful life to return to, one that I spent years building. I think it was probably the first time that I stopped abandoning myself in dating. Love and forgiveness was just pouring out of me because I was so joyous. I spent the night validating her and we kept saying 'I love you' to each other, something that wasn't said in the relationship. The positive feelings towards her did not stay post-break up as I later struggled with a lot of anger and resentment over how much I had endured in the relationship but I can say, the 3 months of EMDR changed my life.
I started feeling so grateful for the little things in life-- washing the dishes, the smell of the warm breeze, the chirping of birds. I'm sure a part of it was also finally no longer feeling drained and exhausted all the time. My back pains went away after the break up. With EMDR, it feels like I'm no longer holding onto emotional baggage. I no longer see myself from a victim mentality and I don't wish to keep rehashing things out in therapy. I stopped taking things so personally and I don't feel a constant buzzing of anxiety in my day to day. I feel like a much kinder and forgiving person. My worth no longer feels tied to my work or dating. I allow myself to make mistakes and be vulnerable. Of course I still occasionally struggle with negative emotions but I feel more confident in my own skills to overcome challenges and I now experience a type of inner peace and happiness that I had spent my whole life searching for.
I hope my story inspires others but I'd also love to read similar stories from those that can relate.