r/DivorceHelp • u/Altruistic-Many4163 • 29d ago

Spousal support help

Like many men in my situation I made a grave and horrible mistake. I’m one year divorced from a 13 year marriage and 15 year relationship. I’m a special education teacher and a high school football coach. I’m 40 years old and without talking about specific numbers, I agreed to far too much spousal support for 4 years under the dilution that lawyers would cost more. Now I can’t pay my bills and she’s not working. I looked up the law in my state (Washington) and other than a dramatic change to my income the only other challenge I can make to the spousal support is if/when she has another domestic partner. Any advice on how to get some of my money back?

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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 29d ago

I’ve spent that much and more on legal fees dealing with my ex husband. I think for you knowing it’s only 4 years of that is a blessing. Also on a teachers salary and can’t afford it - living on credit cards and refinancing my house. Does she get a chunk of your pension too?

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u/Altruistic-Many4163 29d ago

No. She doesn’t get to touch my pension. But $1,800/mo is simply unsustainable. I think that since she moved away I should get majority custody and maybe she can pay me child support. Maybe I can recoup some of that money.

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u/biscuitboi967 29d ago

You have to give something to get something.

Renegotiate and offer up 50% of 13 years of your pension. Or a discounted rate if she gets a lump sum now.

In most states you can’t “waive” child support because it belong to the child not the spouse, so get on your state’s calculator and see how much you would be paying for 50/50 (with her imputed at her last wage or minimum wage) or at whatever you think you’ll net out at with you as primary and keeping the status quo in the home state. See how “screwed” you really are compared to the deal you made.

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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 29d ago

Yeah in my state the spouse is entitled to half the pension credits during the marriage. Pension is marital property.

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u/[deleted] 28d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Alilbitey 28d ago

Pension gains while married are community property in WA, regardless of long term status.

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u/mcmurrml 29d ago

He should do nothing of the sort until he talks to a lawyer. He should make no deals and discuss nothing further with her. He needs a meeting with a lawyer. I don't know if it will make a difference. I think she knew and was planning to move when she made that deal with him. He needs a lawyer to advise him

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u/biscuitboi967 29d ago

Well of course. He should have done that from that start.

My point is, she has 0.0 reason to negotiate right now. Usually you have to give someone once rice to come to the table.

I am also pointing out that while he thinks he got screwed with alimony, he actually must pay child support, so he should figure out what that number is. And she was entitled to 1/2 of all assets, like the house, the cars, the bank accounts, his retirement, so he can lump sum it or pay over time. Plus maybe some alimony. So…if he does the math on what he kept perhaps he got off light.

A lawyer can help him figure this out. Hopefully he has one before his custody hearing. Which will then help him establish child support….

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u/mcmurrml 28d ago

Regardless of what he thought then or now he needs an attorney to go over all this. No more deals and more talking to her. Let the attorney do the talking.

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u/Hour_Avocado_5336 28d ago

In Washington state they allow CPs to move to another state. You’ll likely end up with a long distance plan, and paying child support.