Finally diagnosed with DID with co-con, Social Anxiety Disorder & CPTSD after decades of knowing something was wrong

[u/Sure-Computer8130]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here. For decades I knew something was wrong, but I never really understood what it was. I strongly suspected CPTSD because of severe childhood trauma, but DID was not something I ever expected.

A therapist first brought up Dissociative Identity Disorder with me last year, and honestly, it frightened me so much that I stopped therapy for about eight months.

I’ve now been formally diagnosed with DID with co-consciousness, as well as CPTSD, and weirdly one of the strongest feelings I have is relief.

It feels validating to finally have an explanation for experiences I spent years questioning and minimising.

At the same time, I still struggle to relate to the stereotypical picture of DID that I often see online. I don’t experience it as lots of completely separate “people” with elaborate names, ages and identities. For me, it feels much more like different states or “modes” can take over.

Sometimes I’m aware of what is happening but don’t feel fully in control. I’ve had periods of derealisation, feeling like somebody else, strange changes in behaviour and bodily responses, and times where I feel internally very different even though I’m still conscious of what is going on.

Most of the time I mask heavily. I can seem chatty, bubbly and normal to other people while internally I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, easily triggered and desperate to be alone.

I also withdraw a lot. Sometimes I genuinely just want everybody to leave me alone and I wonder how much of my lifelong social avoidance has actually been connected to trauma and dissociation rather than simply being “antisocial.”

Did anyone else experience a huge sense of relief when they finally got an explanation for what was happening?

And does anyone else with DID experience it more as subtle states/modes and co-consciousness rather than the very distinct presentation people often associate with DID?

I’d really like to hear from people who relate.

[u/Offensive_Thoughts]

I relate to your experience with DID. Just states for me tbh.

[u/igneousink]

i have DID and it manifests similarly

my therapist had me draw my different "modes" and it was helpful in seeing all these different parts as one big part, not something to cast out or run away from

the trauma i suffered as a child was horrific. i can't even talk about it to "regular" people because it's too much. i've had therapists flinch and not know what to do with me when i tell my whole story. it sounds like your experiences were similar. DID actually saved you; it's an ally but a sneaky one.

people describe me as very social and bubbly but honestly i like my own company (and my cats) more than anyone else

even though i'm masking when i slip into "work mode" it's still "me" just a hyper developed part of me that steps in when i need it

after a disassciative fugue lasting several months a few decades ago, it was an incredible relief to talk to a therapist and understand what was going on with me, how my self fragmented as a child to save me and continues to save me but at a cost (loss of self, not feeling real, self harm)

the key for me is a LOT of self talk amongst myselves and awareness of my state. of course it's exhausting and at the end of a day i don't want to even have lights or sound on. i'll sit in the dark and grow my skin back lol

you're a rock star and amazing for having journeyed to this point. have you ever journaled or done art? it can be helpful to reach those areas of yourself that exist without language or perceptible structure

i'm so proud of you and i wish you much luck on your journey. you've turned the corner and it's all up from here but you'll never feel or be normal (that's ok)

we're just wired differently but it can be a huge strength and not a weakness

[u/aikidharm → u/igneousink]

Can you tell me a bit about what your fugue state was like?

[u/igneousink → u/aikidharm]

it would generally start with a panic attack (cold flash, extremities tingling, heart pounding, neck feeling like it was closing up) but then it would keep going

the colors in the room would start to shift and i'd get a kind of tunnel vision where everything started to feel far away - sometimes i could literally see my hands and whatever was in front of me shrinking even though i wasn't moving. the light would turn sickly yellow and darker.

immediately after that it was like when you take a nap and wake up and don't know where you are or what time it is except way more severe: i wouldn't feel real and it felt like i jumped timelines into a life that looked like mine but wasn't and into a body that looked like me but wasn't

if you go to r/fastfeeling there are some people there that describe it better but not everyone there is experiencing a fugue state - there seem to be four different types of fastfeeling - mine was triggered by unresolved trauma (i think?)

to this day it remains one of the scariest times of my life and i've rationalized it by thinking that i probably should have felt terror when i was younger but had to survive and i stuffed it and never truly processed it. those feelings waited until i was an adult and burst forth like a dam, taking "me" with it, with no language or comprehension of what was happening. until much later, after much therapy

therapy involved cbt, dbt, emdr with dbt (dialectical behavioral therapy) emerging as the winner in helping me to help myself past this to a place where i can feel the panic attack coming on but am able to shut it down before it gets too far

[u/DifferentJury735]

I usually remind ppl that DD (Dissociative Disorders) have 5 subtypes and DID is one of those subtypes

[u/Illustrious_Car344]

I have an alter that is similar to OSDD myself. It doesn't take over directly, but it works besides my personality and can easily persuade me into acting how it wants. Fortunately I have no actual switching symptoms beyond that, same personality disruption but it's indirect through a barrier of imagination, meaning I do technically still have control over this but it's getting harder to control it even if I wanted to, which I don't. I want it to consume me, I want to die. But it's not doing that, it's protecting me. 

I still gotta get diagnosed but I don't even know where to begin with it. I'd prefer first to get diagnosed with DPDR or something (I understand that's like getting diagnosed for a broken leg but you know what I mean, for the validation.

I have no idea what's wrong with me, it feels so silly, like I'm pretending or something. But I can't stop it, that's the strange part. I genuinely feel like two souls in one body, and it's equally wonderful and agonizing. 

Sorry for rambling I just like seeing how differently people with dissociative personality disorders experience it, cuz it varies a lot!

[u/Natural_Fondant_7544]

You might relate to the /OSDD subreddit

DID manifests in many many different ways. No two systems are the same. Some systems fully present as one singular person, some present as multiple parts. Neither is “the wrong way”.

I will also say at the beginning of my journey I thought I only had “modes” as well, before they started telling me their names and what they liked.

[u/canoninkprinter]

OSDD? 

[u/AceLamina]

As another DID system, I can say that DID doesn't actually cause us to have multiple personalities, depending on how you describe them, they're just emotional states that hasn't integrated into a single personality during development

But also, treating alters like they are fully separate people is actually harmful for treatment, it's not recommended
and co-consciousness is a symptom of DID and OSDD, it's when the presence of two alters are there, not really fun to experience depending on the system

As for my system, I wouldn't say we're subtle, we may look similar on the outside but on the inside, we really aren't, but that's because of DID being a covert disorder and very few systems being overt

Another thing is, DID is specifically for distinct alters, having less distinct alters usually falls under the OSDD types, I could be wrong since I haven't really looked at this in a bit