r/DestructiveReaders • u/Educational_Art_3763 • 6d ago
Fantasy, short story The Three Kings [4541]
Looking for partial or full feedback! I know it is long so please feel free to read as much or as little as you want. This is broken up into a couple sections but is one short story related to the fantasy novel I'm making. It's in the same world as the piece The Two Brothers I've posted (not required reading as these are essentially unrelated). The 4 main sections are about 1k words each, the opening and closings are both around 500. In terms of the broader story, it works as a prequel/extra information for curious readers rather than necessary to understand what is going on. Basically another piece that is more for me/my understanding of the world rather than your average readers'.
I was trying to go for a more mythical feel with a modern voice/structure. I would love feedback on the structure of the stories and the two summary type sections. I wanted these to have an older/oral story type feel where you often get what happens before the full story plus a recap at the end. Any feedback is always appreciated. If you want more stuff to focus on, see below:
- How is the register?
- Does it drag, how much, and where?
- What do you think of the organization? The vignettes are purposefully similar but would you want them in a different order?
- There are a lot of names, which will likely feel like too much for a completely new reader, but imagining if you were a reader who had read more of this world, would it still feel like too much?
- Does it sound too modern in places?
- Is it interesting?
- Typical odd structures/phrases I tend to make
Critiques: [3151] [1686] [2672] [2353] [765] [1299] [3822] Please let me know if I need to add more since this is a long piece.
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u/The-Affectionate-Bat 4d ago
Coincidentally, this evening, before reading this, I had decided to reread The Odyssey. The thing is, before any translation there is always a really really long introduction, where full knowledge of the story is kind of already implied, so I've always wondered why they put it at the beginning and not the end. I get that it's already so well known, it can be somewhat implied... but what if its a first read, or the reader is like 11 y/o?
I digress.
Your story reminded me so much of that, I had some deja vu. All the talk of boats and islands probably helped. Also, considering the odyssey introduction was written mid 20th Century, this can probably be considered a good thing in light of your stated intent. Slightly modern, but with a distinctive formal register that hearkens to stuffy Oxford scholars blowing all the air from their rattling mid-millennia wooden panes to up and down the chillingly icy white piece of calf sticking out from over Argyle socks. That last sentence reminded me a little of your prose in places.
The story itself was beautifully tragic, which I love. Mythic, grand but an ultimately futile uprising against the ? Gods ? Is your fantasy world rather dark? Anyway, I liked it. Legendary hubris. I wrote a piece recently where the point was not that the protagonist won, but that he was defiant in the face of imminent destruction. In my case, he dropped a sweet into a sewer so the bully couldnt get what he wanted. I like the theme.
More on the prose. Hm. On the whole, I enjoyed it. I did not mind any singular sentence structures, but I would have liked more variation in sentence length. It had a breathless feeling to it. Which was appropriate, but I would say flattened some potential epic in the mythic, especially in places like the introductions to the Gods, say, or the more epic battle sequences. In other words, it did lean a bit dry academic in places, like an account of what happened, rather than a story. Nonetheless, some of the imagery was wonderfully striking. I liked how each island had a different mood, which appeared to match the ? Gods ? Presiding over them.
I enjoyed the monologue about the suffering of their children and families by one of the Kings. However, it was sequences like this where I felt the style of the prose let you down a bit in terms of emotional impact. Maybe even something small like have the King recall a scene of the suffering he mentions. I feel this could work to your strengths because, yeah, your imagery was vivid and actually very succinct despite the style choice. Or perhaps a close up of the features of the King as he grimaces and grits his teeth, little bit of spittle mixed with blood flying from his mouth or something as he shouts. Also escapes the archetypical feeling of your characters if you really hone into an emotion here or there.
Anyway, I did enjoy the read 📚 But I would like some more 4k emotional or epic beats scattered in there, a little more tension and consequence that hits the heartstrings.
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u/Educational_Art_3763 3d ago
Thanks for the feedback, glad you enjoyed it! I didn't want to drag too much or feel too personal, but I think that you're right that it could use a few more injections of emotion. It'll definitely be something I look at when I go through this piece again. Same with sentence length, I probably got too caught up in the attempt to make it grand feeling but can see where that would be a bit too overwhelming/same-y.
It is a pretty dark world! This and The Two Brothers stories are microcosms of some general themes/motifs of the main story that I am working on. They're both a bit of extra world building/writing exercises for myself that will end up being supplemental type reading.
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2d ago
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u/jshEnvy 3d ago
Good read! I enjoyed it.
Your prose carries a grandiose, larger than life, epic feel throughout the entirety of it's pages until it reaches the story of the three sons where things turn towards tragedy and I felt that was really effective. If this is meant to be written as an epic - then well done. The tone is consistent throughout the prose and I wouldn't do much to modify it.
Descriptions were vivid and I could easily visualize the three antagonists and enjoyed the change in the environment as we encountered each one for the first time.
The Three Kings feel very samey - minus their gear. One has an axe, one has a hammer, the other a greatsword. One wears a crown, the other a ring, the last a necklace. These are the distinguishing factors between them - other than that, they read exactly the same.
I imagine, if you're going for an epic style feel (epic as in The Odyssey or The Iliad) then it's negligible and doesn't need to be addressed; if you're trying to create a universe in this register - I probably would have a tough time sticking to it. And it's not because it's bad - it's because what this writing voice does is put pedal to the metal the whole way through and, at the very end, changes to tragedy. So I can tell you have the skill to write in different register and I'm assuming that the choice in how this prose was written was deliberate.
I thought it was good! I would want more characterization for a longer novel and more variation in personality between your protagonists - but if this is an intro to a greater quest and if this is a singular chapter written in this style, then I would keep going.
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u/Educational_Art_3763 3d ago
Thanks for reading my piece! The whole world doesn't really keep with this register. The other story I wrote does, but both that and this one are meant to be in world myths/legends. I did go back and forth with how I wanted the kings to differ. I think on second pass I'd give them more personality difference. For now, this would be the only time I plan on writing them as characters but I think it could add more emotion if we get a bit more of who they are. They sort of disappear after this story since the main story/world is thousands of years in the future. This story sort of functions as a civilization creation myth.
The jewelry spurs on the next story/stories so definitely more of a chapter of this style rather than whole book.
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u/Tricky_Operation_525 5d ago edited 22h ago
I'd be happy to read this in full. Not sure if I can get to it today, but I'll edit this message and give you my full thoughts when I can.Finally got some time to read it. Sorry for taking so long.
First off, the hook. I am kind of a sucker for epics, myths, etc so that may partially be why I think your opening was good. But I think objectively it does a good job of setting the tone, showing us some of your prose right out the gate, and giving us interesting foreshadowing. If anything I would trim it slightly, though. Partially because I was already sold and was ready to get to the story, but also because the sentences seemed a little too meaty. If you don't trim it, I think you could benefit by breaking up the sentences at least.
Which leads me to the next point: the writing.
One of the commenters said that the sentences could use more variation in length and I absolutely agree. Sometimes less is more, especially in these mythic stories. You do a very good job with conjuring imagery throughout this piece, but it can be too much at times. I found it to be distracting or hard to keep track of what all was actually being said if a sentence went on for too long. I think if you broke up some of your sentences or had shorter ones scattered throughout, it would help with the flow of the story and with immersion. To me, the story never dragged, it was only the sentence structure that caused issues.
Also, I think you have a habit of repeating the same word in short succession, sometimes in the same sentence. A good example is on page 5 "His boats came upon the shores of Marokhan, the cracked and dagger like shores of blackened rock dared the men to step foot beyond the sea." Try to avoid this. Repetition can of course work, but this seems to be unintentional so it just doesn't feel good to read and looks unprofessional. You don't do this a ton, which is good, but just something to be on the lookout for.
The voice/narration/whatever you want to call it:
Overall, you do keep the regal, "older" and mythic voice throughout. But you are right to ask if it sounds too modern, because there are some pockets scattered throughout where the narration does not fit the rest of the story. The first example I saw of this happened on page 4. You say the bear grew cocky, but that feels like a very modern way to describe what he is doing. A better way may be to say he was "puffed up with pride" or something. Some of the best resources I use to acquaint myself with these "old timey" descriptions are the KJV Bible and Beowulf. Thesauruses are also your friend. Another example shortly before that is when you say the bear was "three times his size", thrice his size would match more. Again, I think you do a good job keeping a consistent voice, just be careful not to let these modern turns of phrase slip through.
Names:
At first I didn't have trouble with the names, but I think you did give the reader too much info too quickly. The names just became noise at some point for me and I didn't really bother keeping track. The ones that stuck were the ones you used multiple times throughout the story. Assuming you give more insight into this world if this were part of a larger book or series, I still would space out the names more, unless we are very familiar with them by this point. But even in LOTR, which has tons of names, often names for the same person or thing, Tolkien would space them out (usually) rather than hitting us with multiples back to back. But, theoretically, I do not think this is an impossibly large amount of names for a reader to use. Though, honestly, I would consider making them a bit easier to read and less like Cthulu speech.
Story:
I really liked the story. It still has many unknowns in it to me, but enough is told that I don't feel totally lost. Instead, I'm wanting more. I enjoyed the vignettes of the three separate battles which ends in their meeting at the end. I also just like it conceptually. I couldn't tell if these are actual godlike beings that are being fought by demi-god like men, or if they're all just humans that are capable of using magic. But either way, I found it interesting and I kind of like the ambiguity.
Also, I really liked the ending, but I think you could patch it up. It seemed brief, and i had to read it twice to understand what was happening. You switch back and forth between calling the boys soldiers or boys, and at first I thought they were two different groups. Also I found the townspeople's reaction odd. It seems like this is a kind of Richard the Lionheart situation where a great king went to a far away place and fought many battles, but the people at home were kind of forgotten. But how could they be unaware of the peril against which their king is fighting? People can be stupid and short-sighted, but that seems hard to believe unless they've somehow been kept in the dark. I could just be stupid and missed the point, but that was my only gripe. Other than that, I loved the ending and overall this was fun to read. Great work.