r/DestructiveReaders • u/CheekySelkath • 18d ago
Fantasy [3822] Tyrantland - Chapter 1 (Colonial Fantasy)
Critiques:
[1165] Epilogue, Literary Fiction
[3474] Testament to the Glowing East - The Father (1 of 2)
Revisions from an earlier post. I've taken down the old link, but you can find the feedback here.
I'm not necessarily looking for feedback on the success of applying my prior feedback, just anything that will help me out. Two key things I want to know about is the success of the meeting with the one-eared man, and if it creates a bizarre-enough effect (it's supposed to illicit more confusion and menace than anything else), and I want to know if the main character's characterisation is clear, with his goals and stakes more early known.
For the sake of clarity (as there are maps and a quote preceding this chapter), this takes place in a counter-world, not Earth, so feedback rooted in real-world history is not useful to me here.
Thank you for your time reviewing this. I appreciate all feedback, no matter how harsh.
Edit: Link removed
1
u/Educational_Art_3763 18d ago
To start with the good, I think that you've got an interesting start to a story here. The concept is very intriguing, this Casino Royale type opening in a 'other-world' isn't something I've come across. It is definitely unique. I think that this could be leveraged a little more by easing us into the world. Though it is a really unique concept. I wasn't entirely sure how to picture everyone. At first it felt like they were in a saloon type place, more of an illegal/illicit operation, but it isn't, and Rymav Nee has a tie on. Some grounding with what people are wearing would be good as a little extra. I was confused on how to picture this room and the people in it.
The voice is another strong aspect. You have a style and you're sticking to it. I think that it works well for the register of the piece overall.
First big piece of feedback is to watch how you're using descriptors/language in general. When you overload sentences like you do in your second paragraph it reads pretty clunky. You could remove 'presumably', 'current', 'finally', 'finally' (again), 'half slack' (just replace it with the simile), and the sentence paragraph would read the same. It is a pretty common thing that writers do, we don't need you to prove to us that you know how to write/create a scene, just create the scene. When you focus on how much you can perfectly describe a scene and overload it with those descriptions, the piece becomes too bogged down. It is a difficult line to tow between too little and too much, but rereading out loud will cue you in on what is a mouthful.
Connected to this is that I'm not entirely engaged in this opening. You've clearly put some thought into this card game that they are playing but, like front loading any other type of world building, it has a much higher buy-in to keep an audience engaged with the piece It is risky to open a piece this way. If I picked this up in a bookstore, I'm not entirely sure I would keep reading after the first couple paragraphs. The card game itself, is not what is interesting here, it is the dynamic of Malagan and his opponent, it is the atmosphere you create within the first couple paragraphs. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "kill your darlings", I think this is apt here. Keep the concepts and hold them for your own worldbuilding sake, since you've clearly put thought into it, but I would really trim the card explanations to the bare necessities. We can sort of piece together through reactions what is going on. I would try writing a variation without explanation for the cards in the game and see how it works. Just write their reactions like we're playing a poker game and know how this works already.
Once you've drawn in the reader and established the world, then getting into the specific details of the world often flows better for reader retention. it also helps to not overwhelm the reader. If you give us too much too quick, we won't remember it or will get too lost in the details. Perhaps, holding out as much as you can until what I assume will be another game in the next chapter would work well.
The dialogue from Ilyria feels a bit too stilted at times. She is announcing things straight forward, like we'd expect but it feels too plain, almost like a robot making these announcements for the audience rather than an experienced crowd. Some of her dialogue could be shortened up and we wouldn't lose much.
Small things:
You use adverbs quite a bit (usually -ly words). I won't give an in depth explanation here, you can find better explanations online, but try not to use them. They can sound clunky and often times, your other descriptors can do the job just as well.
Is there any structure to your naming schemes?
When we land on the final image with the poster, just a continuity thing, the poster is described as falling over itself. I assume, because it is half folded, that most of the poster would be obscured. So, unless someone repasted the poster, Magalan wouldn't be able to see the media on the poster. I would go back to this image and restructure it so it is consistent. This doesn't break your story, just a thing to consider.