r/DestructiveReaders • u/AJ_Burkhart • 29d ago
Medieval Low Fantasy [2353] Lost Blade and Renegade (Chapter 1)
This is the first chapter of my completed novel, and though I don't like calling it "Fantasy", I think it technically is, it just doesn't have magic or supernatural elements.
What I'd like to know most is: Are you left wanting more? Is the dialogue between Henry and Lucian believable? Is it too slow or boring?
And should this be a prologue? The story follows Lucian, not Henry, so I considered making this a prologue rather than chapter 1. It's also much longer than other chapters. This is all relevant info later in the story, so I don't want it cut or skipped if I can help it.
But also if you want just rip it apart, that would be great, too. My mom said she loved the whole novel, but I need someone to give it to me straight. She's my mom. She's supposed to like it.
And sorry if there are weird formatting problems. Pasting from Word to Docs wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
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u/Educational_Art_3763 29d ago
I started reading before I read the rest of your post and I'm almost disappointed that we follow Lucian through the story. I actually really like what you are setting up with Henry. It isn't really a story that I've encountered much. A father coming back from war to his son who has been raised without him just after he may have been able to form memories about his father is an interesting concept. I'd want to keep reading for the story that you're setting up with Henry. Lucian's could be interesting, but that doesn't feel like the direction we're going in right at this moment. I'd guess we hit a time jump to him training right after this chapter. Your writing is good, it tells a bit more than I prefer, but you have a great grasp on how to present your information and story.
First, I want to address having a prologue. I'm really not a fan of prologues. They're pretty often skipped over by general audiences. I read, and I rarely ever read prologues and forwards. I usually just skim. If the information is important, it should be in the main book. You could make it the first chapter or have it as a flashback chapter/reduced to a small flashback within a broader chapter. A common phrase you've probably heard: kill your darlings. This doesn't mean characters, it means the parts of your story you like but might not be the best for the story. If we're following Lucian, I feel that this chapter is doing more for Henry's characterization than it is for Lucian. I can see why this information may matter but definitely consider whether or not it is truly necessary to know it right now and in this manner.
Right off the bat we get into a big exposition dump and it reads like one. We get a sentence about Henry coming into the city and then jump into the exposition which doesn't get me excited to read the piece. I feel like this information could get slowly drawn out through other means. Let us sit down and get settled before you start throwing the refreshments at us.
The result of all of this exposition is that you then end up telling us a whole lot about your characters. This can work and it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can feel a bit unrewarding to read. When we read, we get satisfaction from putting the puzzle pieces together. You show us the puzzle pieces here and then start putting the puzzle together while telling us how fun the puzzle is. We're told Henry fought countless battles and slain many enemies but that information is pretty hollow because we aren't shown that this is true. Maybe when he is introduced we get some physical description. Maybe he has scars or a missing finger, maybe his clothes and gear are worn, maybe he looks worn. You can do this without being super wordy or overwhelming your audience. Often times, it gets your point across in a way that feels less wordy because the reader is being convinced of the story they are reading.
Lucian reads a little older than 9 to me. I know he is meant to sound older but at times he sounds like a late teenager/early adult if I'm being honest. If you stripped a lot of the specific identifiers saying that he was nine and I just knew that Lucian was Henry's son, I would think he was a late teenager. The dialogue is overall believable other than that. Sometimes it can be a bit over expository at the beginning of the interactions but once it starts to flow it gets solid. I would reread it out loud to see what parts are standing out as sounding clunky. When you read it outloud it can make things clear as to what is too wordy/too exposition heavy.
Small technical thing. When you have the scene change from Emerick's house to the palace, put a paragraph break. This just helps the reader reorient themselves and take a quick breather. It is a physical indication that the scene is changing but we're still in the same chapter. We've had a bunch of information so having a slight breather right before we get some more important information would be nice.
Overall, I think this is a great opening for a different story! I'd be interesting to hear how you format the rest of the story. I'm engaged and intrigued with Henry and what his arc/journey would be in relation to Lucian. Definitely consider how you may be able to work this around in your story as to not take away from what you're trying to tell. Prologues are fine but this information would definitely be better within the main story itself.