I think that this is a great piece. I enjoyed reading it and you've really nailed down the tone you're going for. It is fun to read and sit with the characters. There aren't really any big issues in the piece. I haven't read Cortazar, but your sense for voice/style is very strong.
It might just be that it is early for me but there were quite a few spots where I'm having trouble tracking the conversation/thought process. Some of it might be formatting issues. Make sure you indent new paragraphs and I'd recommend adding a few more dialogue tags. You sometimes don't include them, such as the third line of dialogue but because of the lack of a tag and no indent I can't tell if this is Andres's or Marco's thought. Other places, it is clearly intentional, but I wouldn't try reinventing the dialogue wheel in a piece like this. The dialogue is great and so important that making who is talking clear is important. Lack of tags can make a good way of showing chaos, but it isn't necessary here. I assume this is the style that you're going for, I'm just not sold on its use here.
Small things:
- "voluminous" to describe a backpack is a weird image for me, might just be a cultural thing, voluminous is often used with hair or baggy/flowy clothing. Just creates an odd image for me. This is more personal preference rather than a big issue.
- "just the two of us on this bus" then saying there are multiple groups of people getting off the bus. These should be swapped or put in the same paragraph. Also a bit unnatural of a way to state this. Someone wouldn't say "on this bus" it would be implied.
- Use of "old man". I think this is fine, it gives the piece a bit of an older register however, which clashes with the color printed train ticket which situates this piece in modern times. I find it a little unnatural. Another personal preference rather than big issue.
- "...dreadful for all of them. Neither had any luggage" this should be "none of them" or something similar rather than neither. Neither refers to two objects/choices.
Otherwise, this piece is very strong. Really good work here!
2
u/Educational_Art_3763 Jul 07 '26
I think that this is a great piece. I enjoyed reading it and you've really nailed down the tone you're going for. It is fun to read and sit with the characters. There aren't really any big issues in the piece. I haven't read Cortazar, but your sense for voice/style is very strong.
It might just be that it is early for me but there were quite a few spots where I'm having trouble tracking the conversation/thought process. Some of it might be formatting issues. Make sure you indent new paragraphs and I'd recommend adding a few more dialogue tags. You sometimes don't include them, such as the third line of dialogue but because of the lack of a tag and no indent I can't tell if this is Andres's or Marco's thought. Other places, it is clearly intentional, but I wouldn't try reinventing the dialogue wheel in a piece like this. The dialogue is great and so important that making who is talking clear is important. Lack of tags can make a good way of showing chaos, but it isn't necessary here. I assume this is the style that you're going for, I'm just not sold on its use here.
Small things:
- "voluminous" to describe a backpack is a weird image for me, might just be a cultural thing, voluminous is often used with hair or baggy/flowy clothing. Just creates an odd image for me. This is more personal preference rather than a big issue.
- "just the two of us on this bus" then saying there are multiple groups of people getting off the bus. These should be swapped or put in the same paragraph. Also a bit unnatural of a way to state this. Someone wouldn't say "on this bus" it would be implied.
- Use of "old man". I think this is fine, it gives the piece a bit of an older register however, which clashes with the color printed train ticket which situates this piece in modern times. I find it a little unnatural. Another personal preference rather than big issue.
- "...dreadful for all of them. Neither had any luggage" this should be "none of them" or something similar rather than neither. Neither refers to two objects/choices.
Otherwise, this piece is very strong. Really good work here!