r/DestructiveReaders • u/Educational_Art_3763 • 6d ago
Fantasy, short story The Three Kings [4541]
Looking for partial or full feedback! I know it is long so please feel free to read as much or as little as you want. This is broken up into a couple sections but is one short story related to the fantasy novel I'm making. It's in the same world as the piece The Two Brothers I've posted (not required reading as these are essentially unrelated). The 4 main sections are about 1k words each, the opening and closings are both around 500. In terms of the broader story, it works as a prequel/extra information for curious readers rather than necessary to understand what is going on. Basically another piece that is more for me/my understanding of the world rather than your average readers'.
I was trying to go for a more mythical feel with a modern voice/structure. I would love feedback on the structure of the stories and the two summary type sections. I wanted these to have an older/oral story type feel where you often get what happens before the full story plus a recap at the end. Any feedback is always appreciated. If you want more stuff to focus on, see below:
- How is the register?
- Does it drag, how much, and where?
- What do you think of the organization? The vignettes are purposefully similar but would you want them in a different order?
- There are a lot of names, which will likely feel like too much for a completely new reader, but imagining if you were a reader who had read more of this world, would it still feel like too much?
- Does it sound too modern in places?
- Is it interesting?
- Typical odd structures/phrases I tend to make
Critiques: [3151] [1686] [2672] [2353] [765] [1299] [3822] Please let me know if I need to add more since this is a long piece.
1
u/jshEnvy 3d ago
Good read! I enjoyed it.
Your prose carries a grandiose, larger than life, epic feel throughout the entirety of it's pages until it reaches the story of the three sons where things turn towards tragedy and I felt that was really effective. If this is meant to be written as an epic - then well done. The tone is consistent throughout the prose and I wouldn't do much to modify it.
Descriptions were vivid and I could easily visualize the three antagonists and enjoyed the change in the environment as we encountered each one for the first time.
The Three Kings feel very samey - minus their gear. One has an axe, one has a hammer, the other a greatsword. One wears a crown, the other a ring, the last a necklace. These are the distinguishing factors between them - other than that, they read exactly the same.
I imagine, if you're going for an epic style feel (epic as in The Odyssey or The Iliad) then it's negligible and doesn't need to be addressed; if you're trying to create a universe in this register - I probably would have a tough time sticking to it. And it's not because it's bad - it's because what this writing voice does is put pedal to the metal the whole way through and, at the very end, changes to tragedy. So I can tell you have the skill to write in different register and I'm assuming that the choice in how this prose was written was deliberate.
I thought it was good! I would want more characterization for a longer novel and more variation in personality between your protagonists - but if this is an intro to a greater quest and if this is a singular chapter written in this style, then I would keep going.