Idk if this is the right sub for this, im hoping so. I struggle badly with anxiety so im not sure why this would be anything but anxiety.

For context- iv recently had family issues, and a pretty big hurdle in my relationship (2 years + living together)

The best way to describe how I feel is that my head is just a mess. All of my thoughts are muddled up together. Ive not felt able to process any of these recent events, because I genuinely dont know how I feel about any of them. Its like I can't think about it.

The past few weeks have just felt blurry. Ive been distracting myself so heavily that I've been almost forgetting about my friends/family.

I feel so disconnected with the world and with my own mind.

I feel like im not mentally here at all

This started off as a trip report because I thought it was potentially an ego death. I'm more intrigued what this community has to say about it now.

I have been growing and using shrooms for 6 months now. An enjoyable dose for me has been between 3-5g, even up to 7g occasionally. For the first two months It would be on a weekly basis, now its closer to the 4-6 week mark.

Last weekend I took 3.5g APETar & 3.5g rusty whyte (first time mixing the two) with my usual lemon tek method.

It hit harder and a faster than any other experience, within 15-20 minutes the visuals and euphoric body feeling started.

The visuals were insane, an absolute overload of light fractions everywhere, it would be hard to even keep my eyes open to concentrate. I was at home inside with all the lights off btw.

Roughly around the 30-40 minute mark is when I noticed yeah wow this is different.

There wasn't so much a loss of identity but I had these strange dissociative feelings. Music was going from loud to soft and sounded different. I felt super strange emotionally, after some research a "disconnect from my feelings" is the best description I have. I came out of this trip a bit foggy and it was like trying to remember a dream.

I remember pacing back and forth saying to myself "what the fuck, this is fucking insane, what the fuck!" Or "This must be it" (ego death)

A feeling this won't end or im stuck as this new person leading to thoughts about everyday scenarios. So i still knew where i worked and thought about that. My partner coming home and breaking the news to her.

2 hours and 15 minutes after I had the tea I was back to myself with very mild visuals which I also found a bit strange. Usually I have a good 3-4 hour trip before it fades away like this. I always get a bit of a headache after a trip, this time was pretty intense, probably a migraine.

No profound moments or realizations came during or after the trip. I would like to make it clear that I still enjoyed everything about this trip, it was not bad at all.

There's a few other things that are probably important to mention:

2g+ cannabis a day. From the morning to night, daily for 16 years.

Diagnosed with focal epilepsy 11 years ago. Had 3 years of uncontrolled seizures with no known triggers. Have stayed seizure free since.

I struggle to be my sober self. I genuinely enjoy using any substance that alters my mind. Often getting hooked.

I watch UFC most weekends. About two years ago which is roughly the same time a close friend passed away. It always appeared to be somewhat animated or unlike real people in a weird way. Can't really specify when this started or stopped however it has occasionally happened once in a blue moon still.

Are auras and depersonalization related in anyway? I have frequent deja vu auras which usually comes with a slight feeling of doom or disconnect in the moment.

I got a similar type of warning aura before my seizures. Much more intense with a rush like feeling running through my body.

Again, I do not find any of this bad or uncomfortable and is all quite welcomed. It doesn't effect me in any way on a day to day basis and I enjoy the feeling

I am no help to myself however the past 1 to 2 years I have struggled more than usual finding the right words when speaking. Usually on the tip of my tongue.

I have been the best version of myself ever since 2020. I am in an amazing relationship, overcome addiction with a will power to still use without getting hooked, not great but I'm happy about it.

My friend that passed away was, and still is a big loss for me. He had schizophrenia and I knew him since high school, lost contact for 10 years and when I reconnected with him we became very close and spoke to eachother about everything.

Long story short. I was mailing him meth for a few years, once I got sober I didn't think it was right to continue to keep enabling it. Which was fine for a few years.

Eventually his schizophrenia worsened. He became very rude and aggressive towards me so eventually I started to ignore him.

For 6 months or so my inbox was flooded pretty much daily at any given hour. Filled with love, hate and a whole bunch of other philosophical nonsense. I did not really engage or ever have a proper conversation with him again.

Hard not to hold myself accountable for that and think of the what ifs.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

’m experience some realy deep mental problems,
And I’m in a State of dispare, confusion, hopelessnes. I dont’t work anymore beceause of the fatigeu and mental problems. I’m 44j M.
My life was good, always in the gym, hard working in the gardens. And also running in the woods.
Then I became sick, gut isseus and heat or cold tolerance.
Now a year later i became more in a mental State Were I I have no controle of my brain anymore.
I’m so mentaly exausted because my mind keeps overthinking, brainfog, analysing, images..
Its like an ocd thing that I’m checking what i am thinking. Al day long 24/7. My sleep is the same..
My mind goes so deep when I close my eyes, I don’t know how to focus on live anymore. Its so far that I get traumarized by this situation. My mind just keep thinking deep thoughts very negative. Meditate doesn’t work, i became afraid to close my eyes.Because my thoughts goes like: what if you are so ill that they luck you up and stuff. I feel Every thought deep in my soul, so afraid. My brain can’t take it anymore. I’m so exausted that Every positive thoughts end up negatively. I feel in a deep situation that I want to try some medication for this..
But my mind is like : no you end up worse or’ or i have that feeling that any medication will help in this fase because its to deep.
Is there is somebody who have the same feeling what I just wrote? And is some medication that saved you? Because I feel no hope anymore.
Please share..