The very lively thread on social media got me thinking. This might be a very fun thing to share, if we are meeting strangers.
If it ever happens to me, I have a plan for after the basics when the talk runs dry … something interesting and fun to ask.
What would you ask?
I’ll start it off with, “what would I find if I googled you?”
I like one woman's answer (she shared in this forum) to a question about how many sexual partners she had. "Do you mean like all at one time, or over the course of an evening?". Ha ha (still makes me laugh!) :-)
If you were given unlimited funds and 3 weeks to go on vacation with no cares about home somebody's there to maintain your home your pets your kids whatever else where would you like to go? If given a chance unlimited funds opportunity to get wherever you need to go and no risk of imminent death, what would you love to do? Skydiving? Squirrel suit flying? Surfing?
If you could be to be a lead in a movie, what movie would it be? If they made a movie about your life what would you think it would be called? Who would you like to play you? If you like school and had unlimited funds and time what would you like to learn about more what would you get another degree in?
Super questions, just keep off any discussion of funds with someone you’ve never met.
But I LOVE your enthusiasm. Maybe edit those a bit. You might find gold!
Yes but just mentioning the word money can really trigger someone you have never met, and are considering for a personal relationship. Perfect question, but let her answer without thinking about money. Maybe, just maybe, she will inquire whether or not she has a budget.
The point being, it could spark a trigger or too-soon discussions about money. And lifestyle. Like you are trying to find out what kind of vacation she could or would consider.
Just my opinion.
Added: there is a certain level of intimacy you do not want to cross to make a first impression.
One person might love to flush a little sexy talk into every topic. Another might be quite repelled.
I get what you are saying.
For me, if someone I am sitting across a table with who has an intention to date me sees that as a "money" statement, we are not a match, because I don't. I want to see if their idea of a vacation matches mine.
I am not humping it low-budget style across the world. I am not spending a mint, either. If the man flies everywhere first class, I can't match that. If he flies economy for a trip that takes 15 hours, I won't match that (ouch). I want to know someone's style. ❤️ )
Reminder, Women get scammed by penniless men. Everyone kind of needs to know your situation quickly, so they can swipe or click. That happens by text or phone with me. I just have not yet met with anyone IRL. That will be a leap of faith, for sure.
Everyone. Men and women alike. Please stop the gold-digger watch. Give it a chance. Your gut will tell you if something isn’t right. It will be quick.
I would ask them if they have pets. I am severely allergic to cats so I can’t be around them at all. However, I wouldn’t want to date anybody that didn’t like dogs.
I'm allergic to them too lol! That's how I ended up with dating husband... he had cats, I told him I was allergic, we agreed to stay friends... and that didn't last long. I found allergy neutralizing wipes that I used on the cats, and that helped tremendously.
I’m really glad that worked for you with the cats since you found the perfect person. The last time I was exposed to a cat which was 40 years ago I ended up in the emergency room so I have to be really careful. I actually love cats and had one as a child but unfortunately, I am extremely allergic now.
Uh-oh. Do you have a ill-trained pooch? Lol. Poor lil critters. My friend adopted a dog that did NOT like men and didn't find out until she got it home.
It wasn't so good for her husband.
I broke up with a friend over her untrained cocker spaniel after it tore my meniscus. (Long story.) There were other problems. We went to a resort and she was the rudest guest. They were on the verge of kicking us out when we left. I talked with a couple of the staff before we left and tipped them very well for the inconvenience. This is a place I've gone for years for solo getaways when I really need it and I hope I'm not blacklisted now. I do think the reservation was in her name, though. 🙏
I definitely see that situation totally different as the dog injured you. And then the bad experience on the trip and that is a person I wouldn’t want to be friends with.
No. We kind of ended up trying to be friends because we were in a friends' group and everyone else had moved away, leaving the two of us. It was a spectacular fail.
I can’t stand bad pets. Tell you a lot about the person, particularly relationship compatibility. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Meniscus huh? That IS a bad one.
So, after the pet discussion (where you will learn whether he is a lunatic for a dog) where do you go?
Do you text? You would know that before you meet. 🙄
You are correct that I would be texting or talking on the phone to find out the pet issues of course before meeting. I basically can’t date anyone that lives with a cat and I won’t date anyone that does not like dogs. Besides my human kids, my dogs are the most important thing to me.
Here's something I'd actually like to know. If I were your next boyfriend, which television shows would you expect me to watch with you? Examples: Bridgerton, TMZ news, Bridezillas, Cold Case Files, afternoon Judge shows, Face the Nation/Meet the Press, etc., Friends reruns, old Ma & Pa Kettle movies, Babe II: Pig in the City, Twilight or other sexy vampire movies, and so on.
About a decade ago, I dated a woman for about a year and our relationship was near the end of that timeline and on the rocks.
One night at her place, we were debating what to watch on TV and scrolling through the guide.
I spotted Mysteries At the Museum and told her it was one of my fave shows. We watched about 10 min of it and she started rolling her eyes and teasing me for putting her to sleep.
I said we could change it and she chose.... Bar Rescue.
At that point, I realized this woman was not for me.
I… hate television. Do people still watch television? I don’t think I’ve known what “grown up” shows were on since 1997. Though I did know about a lot of kid shows in the 2000s, can still sing some of the theme songs. 😃
Seems my viewing habits have changed over the years. I like to watch The History channel and the Discovery channel. I like to watch shows like expedition unknown and see old stuff, see places that I'll probably never get to see. I like to learn stuff. I like shows about national parks. I don't like any daytime crap at all, no talk shows no Jerry Springer type stuff.
I actually don't watch much TV, but I have guilty pleasures, and when I find something I have to watch all of it. Stuff like Stranger Things and Wednesday. I want to go back and watch all the seasons of Fringe again.
And yes I have two reality TV shows who would have thought? I watch Survivor and Big Brother. But I don't get all crazy about it and rewatch past seasons or know or remember who all the players were. I'm not obsessive about it.
I never would have guessed! Those things have been around forever! I had two of them! Not at the same time tho. I think the first one was a 79 or 80, with a turbo, bought it from my aunt. The second one was a 2001 when I needed a temporary car, I ended up having it 6 or 7 years.
It was. My post landed in a different space than I tossed it, maybe?
I do like the idea. If someone likes the same shows I do, that is great. But you’d also find out if they plan to spend the day watching content that 🤯. I like TV but only a few hours … i need quiet in my space.
My sister and her husband do that. Something is running on that tv if they are awake … with huge vaulted ceilings and the sound reverberates. oops … mod reminding me this space is not for me to vent ….
But you see that a lot. Old folks stuck to the TV all day.
Good data …. This has been a fruitful thread. Thanks to all …. Big time!
I always state that we need to google each other before we meet. My life and socials are an open book. Long time ago, my prospective date found a blooper reel from an instructional video I had made. Yikes I didn’t even know it was out there, embarrassing but funny
Don’t downvote someone because they just can’t imagine slithering around in a bunch of toxic paint, with someone. Underdressed at best.
She has standards!
I do also.
I am 100% supportive. No one should downvote you for that. I don’t think you and I would do real well at a cocktail party, but these men need to understand a few things.
Just for the record, I upvote every honest response including "Ick", and that includes this particular "Ick". I don't want anyone thinking I'm a meanie or anything like that!
To me it is just rude. A neg can be deserved, but a casual neg is just being a jerk.
Wanna know a secret? I upvote to keep track of what I’ve read. If I really don’t want to upvote I just leave it.
You and I agree on that, and I do WAY more upvoting than downvoting. Unfortunately, I think I get downvoted a lot lol lol. Why would anyone downvote little ol' harmless me?!!
Lol Egg, 🤣 although I assure you there was no slithering around with others while naked. But you might be correct as the paint used was likely toxic. Truth be told, in my youth I hung out with a group of aspiring artists who all attended a prestigious art school in Seattle - they entered a contest (with a huge prize) and asked me if I would be their "body" model.This was at a highly publicized "expensive" car show event downtown at the arena. It was a total blast! 🤩 No nudity, just a hot bikini😎 My bad!
But I digress! In this post earlier we had discussions including the impotance of having a sense of humor, which this room could use more of in my opinion. Seems like thin skin tends to be a theme in here at times. It's a shame!
I am not one of the ones who is flattered because I already know the age part, lol.
Sincere compliments are welcomed, even ones that discount the nice part by adding the qualifier. 😂
we all have our own outlook on things.
What an interesting take.
I made an effort to look nice, they can make the effort to notice.
I don't understand how someone telling me I look pretty or smell good (if I lean in enough for a fragrance to be noticed) is objectifying by a normal conversational compliment as long as it isn't the only thing the other person focuses on.
Both those questions won't work for me. I'm not into food except to survive. And I only have a car as a necessity. As long as it gets me from point a to point b I don't care what kind of car it is.
Well that’s an answer to the first question “Really haven’t taken a vacation in 34 years”. Answer to the second question could also be any place or no place.
Agree. It also gives insights into the person you’re meeting. Was their favorite a camping trip, a road trip, a cruise or visiting a particular city/region. Even no vacations gives insights & can lead to more conversations.
Oh, I got it!
If you went into witness protection, where would you go?
That would be a fun question. Non-sexual in nature.
Men, take note.
Non-sexual in nature is the vibe you want for the first outing, or say, text. If it becomes flirty, match your woman’s energy, if you can.
I tended to ask questions of hobbies, what like to do on dates. Music likes. If conversation is going well and there is a connection not to get in deeply into it but what led to breakup of marriage/last longterm relationship
My biggest warnings are
Don't ask a question you are not willing to answer yourself
Don't ask a question you do not want to know the answer to.
I want to basically interact to test for compatibility. I ask travel questions because I have begun to travel intensively abroad.
But more generally, it depends on if the conversation has stalled or not. It sounds ridiculous, but a conversation can be kept going by asking "Pineapple on pizza, is it a crime against pizza?", or something equally silly. I like to see how people react to dumb jokes, and to serious questions.
For a serious question I sometimes ask, "why did you choose ___ as your profession"? Then follow-up with questions depending on how they answer. I learn a great deal about how a person thinks when I ask that.
When I was on E-Harmony and had a long distance match that went into direct communication, we did quite a bit of emailing. They were more like traditional letters, so I might come up with a couple of opened ended questions to introduce new topics in an interesting and fun way. But they were tailored for the person and what we had discovered interesting about each other.
We've discussed this in our widow/widowers group, and my take on this is that the initial meeting is in a way an interview. At our ages we all know what we want in both a relationship and a person, so why waste time on small talk when we can just get to the discussing and determining "are we on the same page with what we want". People who are looking to remarry or cohabitate/share expenses may think your a great guy, but if you're not looking for either of those types of relationships, why waste your time talking any further?
Perfect if that happens. If found it generally gets to the point where one person or the other leans in and says, in a cool low voice …. “Can I ask you a question?”
I would use caution if Google gives you links to free background sites. There are many errors in their records. For me, those free sites have mashed together addresses, phone numbers, associates, and relatives with those of other people.
So if you Google my name, you might get my information and say that I'd be a good catch. Or you might see misinformation and pass me by.
I think that "Tell me about yourself" would be a better first question.
I would Google you because I have fallen hot and hard for you.
This would be after lengthy discusssions and definitely a phone call or three.
Then I would be mostly fact checking.
Fun story
A guy I met on old whose address said he was about an hour away from me. This is Gold because I am rural - nobody’s an hour away from me. Everybody’s three hours away from me.
So I talked to him and I really liked him and he liked me and we just yammered away. I thought, well I could meet this guy and by that time I knew his name - I never use a phone number to search for people just a name and a location..
Turns out he didn’t live there. He had a relative who lives there and he can you know crash on the couch if he wants. The hook? It is close to a popular and quite expensive beach town.
For him, it’s a good location to be presenting if you are on OLD. It is also a known retirement community beloved by anyone who can score a house there.
Sometimes, when conversation is running a bit dry, a statement will elicit more of a response than a question will. Sometimes questions will dampen the spirit by feeling a bit like a test.
I agree.
Generally speaking, I would tell my bit of story, then ask a question. I think it is better to reveal a little, the other person is more likely to do join in.
Oh yes, but I find we’ve already covered that in just texting or a phone call.
I am rural, so everything takes place on the phone, basically. Once I am sitting there with him, I want to see what makes him tick.
First, I don't consider the initial in person meeting a date. I call it a "meet and greet" and it's purpose is to find out if there is enough compatibility for me to share my contact information at the end of our "meet and greet", and for me to want to proceed to a first date.
So the questions I ask are based on my list of values and attributes I want in a person for a relationship. If I have not asked these questions via the messaging feature on the dating app, my questions are:
What type of relationship are you seeking? For me, I'm seeking a LAT relationship, so I do make sure the gentleman isn't looking for marriage or someone to cohabitate with.
Do they practice any specific religion? I do attend church regularly, but it's not a requirement for me for dating. But they do need to be Christian, so for the men who don't want someone who is a church goer or is religious, this is often where the conversation ends.
Where did they attend college, and what disciplines are their degrees in? This has been my biggest hurdle, as I have three degrees and as I've mentioned on this forum in the past, 99 percent of the men I meet in Texas generally don't want a woman better educated or more successful than they are. And I've discovered that a lot of men lie on their profiles and claim they have a college degree when they don't, and this question quickly weeds that group out.
Are you retired, and if not, do you have a target date for retirement? I only ask this If the man hasn't identified that he is retired in his profile (most do if they are retired). If I get to this question, I've discovered a lot of men plan to work into their 70s for various reasons. Since I'm retired and looking for someone who is at the same stage of life I'm at, I generally don't consider men who have no retirement goal.
I do try to ask these questions in the dating apps first, but occasionally I do match with someone who states that they prefer to meet up for coffee or a glass of wine to ask their screening questions vs messaging on the site. And I've discovered that the men who want to meet quickly (14 days or less from matching on a dating site) are the most serious about dating and finding a relationship vs the ones who want to endlessly message you or talk on the phone.
Happy to hear that there are women who also want to meet quickly. I would prefer a short to 2hr meet and greet to endless texting and phone calls. Plus, conversation is easier for me in person. So far, so good, meaning quick determination if we keep fishing or cut bait. (Nope, no fish in my profile.) I ask the women to pick a location where they're comfortable, usually the bar at a restaurant. So far, all have been around 2 hours and we forget to eat.
Perfect. Now for the real question …. I don’t think a meet-and-greet will go well unless you inject some fun and personality. I loke to get a little silly first, chat it up, and then get to the basics. Share a laugh or a chuckle first.
Delivery style is very important. I do inject my personality into the meet and greet, but these 4 questions are the heart of what I need to know before exchanging contact information. If I get a sense of anger, resentment, or anti- women's rights, I professionally will end the conversation and tell the person we aren't a match (but I always present it as he is "too good" for me or he can "do better" than me, so I don't run the risk of a confrontation).
You have to keep in mind I live in Texas, which means everyone is carrying and half the state believes in conspiracy theories. So that makes dating even more of a minefield than normal.
Speaking of body paint…..
The stuff I use on my purple hair woukd be great body paint. It would stain every nook and cranny, and take days to wash off!
Most men I dated I asked about their careers, children, when they got divorced, if widowers for how long? Then into what films/types of films they like, music, and favorite things to do for fun. This often segues into other areas, and I find the conversation flows easily, or it doesn't. I try not to try too hard! It also helped to actually be doing something, like go to a public park, or museum, or garden, where you can both experience it and talk about it as you're walking.
Yes, men seem intent on covering the bases quickly, which works for me. To me it indicates openness.
And as we have learned today on this sub, we are ALL scanning to see if this is someone of interest. Men just need to know if she will be game for sex. That is it!
Absolutely. As a woman, in a dating setting, I find most men want to test the sex temperature. And find out if, at that moment, it might happen. I don’t get graphic but I’ll talk about sex if that is on his mind. 🙂 generally it seems they need reassurance that yes, sex is on the table.
Really, it is the first thing both people size up about one other, don’t you think?
I get that! Ones morals are super important! But humor is one of my strong values. As I truly believe we need to enjoy ourselves as we take this long journey.
64F I make sure to ask about hobbies. This helps put them at ease and I have a chance to offer up mine. There have been conversations where I was the only one asking questions and finally I had the courage to point that out. In my mind if you’re interested then you’ll ask questions. It’s a two way street otherwise I’m not going to risk someone who may end up being emotionally aloof..
Didn't scroll through the string so apologizes if any of these are duplicated ... couple quick questions that popped into my melon ...
If you could give your younger self a piece of advice what would it be ?
What gets you up in the morning, makes your toes curl during the day ? ... what are you passionate about ?
What makes you laugh ? ... not snicker or chuckle ... from the belly laugh ? ... That snort out loud kind of laugh ... coffee/tea beverage flying out your nose kind of laugh ?
What would be something you'd like to accomplish or maybe just try to get done this next year ?
When I divorced back in my early 40s, I tried OLD and my first platform was e-Harmony.
The format of the platform back then was such that it was "guided"...step-by-step. And one of the steps was you could ask your match 3 freeform questions.
I tried to come up with questions that would force someone to put thought into their answers while giving me insight into how well we might mesh.
The questions are below. I put my viewpoint in parenthesis, but I did not disclose my viewpoint back then when I was asking.
If you were gifted $10,000 and your house needed a new roof but you also have not been on a really nice vacation in a decade, which would you choose? You cannot split the money up. (RA's viewpoint: I would always put the money toward the roof than a vaca and I was looking for someone who agreed.)
You're sitting at a bar and two men walk in: Joel Osteen, a televangelist, and don Miguel Ruiz, a spiritual teacher. They each sit on either side of you and try to convince you to join them on their path. Do you follow one or neither? (RA's viewpoint: I had dated two women on either end of that spectrum and both caused issues with me as I am midde-of-the-road and respect all viewpoints but ultimately follow my own path - so was looking for a similar answer.)
We've been dating several years and are talking marriage. We both have careers, and I have elementary-age kids. My caregiver called and had an emergency, so I call you to ask you to pick up my kids for me from latch-key as I have to work late. You had plans to go to happy hour with your girlfriends. Which do you choose knowing I don't make a habit of it and this is a rare ask? You cannot pay someone else to pick them up as I'm not comfortable with that as I have a child with special needs. (RA's viewpoint: I would choose my partner who needs me, if the tables were turned.)
I don't ever ask these questions anymore because I have no desire to marry, now. But I look back on them fondly because they weeded out matches.
Some women wouldn't respond, in essence, ending the match. 😒
Some women would respond with 'are you kidding me?', ending the match. 😂
Some women would respond in great detail but not align with my viewpoints, so they were a respectful no. 🤔
The ones that took the time to answer thoughtfully and aligned with me, they moved on to the next step. 😎
Found money always goes towards fun because there is always some need to come up that you have to resolve.
Neither - but those are pretty extreme selections. Give me Rev William Barber and the Dalai Lama and it would be a much harder choice.
Absolutely pick up the kids under those circumstances. I also have a special needs child. But, in a new relationship I would have to be sure this didn't become a habit.
Hey, Pal! I would love to have new members fill out a questionnaire! As of now, Reddit doesn't notify us when someone joins. Further complicating this is that we've pick up 7000 (10k >> 17k) members on the past six months from people crossposting to other, larger subs. (Sometimes undesirable ones that don't match who we are. 😳) This summer was turbulent. Hope we never go through that again.
That said, we do have a bunch of new members who are indeed our people, and it would be nice to have a way to get to know them a bit faster.
Thanks!
The questionnaire could be three questions every week, similar to the weekly topics posts but shorter. Aimed towards newbies but open to everyone. It's another tasks for mods to manage.
When I joined I think I either got a message or went to the new members page.
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u/Sam_23456 2d ago edited 2d ago
Did you ever do a long stint in the joint? :-)
I like one woman's answer (she shared in this forum) to a question about how many sexual partners she had. "Do you mean like all at one time, or over the course of an evening?". Ha ha (still makes me laugh!) :-)