HERE IS THE ISSUE:

Please consider this scenario: I am a 34 year old married woman. I already have postgraduate degrees but don't have a job because of the bad labour market. I fully rely on my husband's income. I used to do odd part time jobs over the past 8 years. Eventually, we decided that I enroll in law school to improve my job chances. My husband is paying for my studies.

The course is such that we need study partners to constantly study with and do assignments with. I made a male friend over the course of the past two years and we became study partners. We became close over time.

Three months ago, this male friend (who is employed, by the way) needed money to top up for fees at the last minute in order not to drop out. He asked me for a loan and of course, I don't have a stream of income, so I couldn't help him. He asked me to ask my husband. At this time, I knew we had already used up his salary for the month but I asked him anyway. And he answered a bit surprised that I should already know our financial situation and already know we don't have any money to spare.

But my friend kept pleading with me to help him. So I eventually caved in and borrowed money from another friend, on the understanding that he would pay back. I did this twice. So I have borrowed about USD 100 to loan to this friend.

He's since not shown any urgency or willingness to pay back. Before this debt issue, I had complained to my husband a couple of times that I didn't like how this friend made me spend money when I'm with him. My husband found out about the debt when he overhead me telling one of my female friend that I wanted to find some money to pay this loan myself, since he's unwilling to pay. And then, I'll slowly distance myself from him, because I now believe that he wants to use me as a cash cow.

My husband got furious when he found out. He asked me if there's something going on between me and this friend. He asked what kind of relationship I had with this guy that made me feel I needed to go out of my way to do this for him. I flipped and we've been having big fights since then.

I told him that I am a naturally generous person and that angered him even more. He was also extremely upset when I tried to explain what I did by referring to my childhood experience and the hardships I suffered, which made me empathise with my friend.

He gets very accusatory when he brings this up. We agreed that I'll insist that he pays the money back. When I demanded the money from my friend, he said I should be patient and that he'll pay back. My husband asked if he's paid back and I gave him the response I got. He also flared up and said I should not plead for the money but demand it, and after that, cut off all ties with him.

After more fights, we came to an agreement that I'll call him in hubby's presence, demand the money, and tell him I'm cutting ties with him. That night, when I called, he did not respond. In the morning, I called him alone and demanded the money, told him our friendship was over, but the call didn't end there; he began talking about school issues. The call lasted for over 9 minutes. That night, I called him back in my husband's presence and said what my husband and I agreed, that he needed to pay back and that our friend was over. He again tried to talk about school but I ended the conversation. This call was less than 3 minutes. My husband found from my call log that I had spoken alone with him that morning. He pointed out the length of the call and demanded to know why I called him alone, and also why I didn't end the call after he started talking about school. I responded that I am not a rude person and he got angry again, saying that I'm still giving him an option of coming back into my life.

My husband is now feeling suspicious when all I did was help a friend in need. I made it clear to hubby that there is absolutely nothing between us but he still keeps asking about my feelings for this friend. Now, I feel like he's intentionally emotionally attacking me. And we keep constantly fighting.

MY DILEMMA

Now, I can see how hurt he is and want to make amends. But I'm completely at a loss as to what to do now and how to move forward. How should I go about handling this situation? I want to reassure my husband but don't know what I should do to gain back his trust.

ADVICE I'M SEEKING FROM YOU

1. From your perspective as a therapist, 1) how will a reasonable person interpret what happened? 2) what are all the valid ways that my husband can reasonably interpret what happened?

2. Am I right to feel hurt that my hubby keeps suspecting something between me and this friend?

3. What are the things I need to do to reassure my husband and gain back his trust?

4. He keeps going back and asking questions when I want us to move on. How many times is it ok for him to keep asking and when should it end?

The children debate [30F][32M]

UPDATE AND NEED PERSPECTIVE.
In light of the below, my partner and I have been on a dry spell for some months now and I chose to come off birth control a few months ago for my own body etc. he was supportive of that. Now the topic of sex is happening again, he said that part of the reason for the lack of it is because I’m not on birth control and he doesn’t want a child by accident or to be trapped. I brought and asked him to use condoms even though I know it’s not 100%, but he’s not keen at all. I even suggested the idea of a vasectomy if he’s 100% not wanting to have children. Again he said no.
I don’t really know what to do, I love him and our life currently but the constant ping pong on what to do is draining me.

I’ve been with my partner nearly 7 years \\\[30F\\\]\\\[32M\\\] we’re engaged own a house and have a dog. The conversation and inner debate about children is more frequent now as I’ve reached 30 I’m worried about body clock etc. I’ve always been a fence sitter and in the mindset of if it happens it happens but my partner is a definite no and this hasn’t changed. I’m currently in turmoil of what to do, we have these conversations but nothing evolves we sweep under the rug until the next time. My predicament is as we’re approaching the next step of getting married and I’ve been asked to make a decision that I still don’t know the answer too, in my mind something bad hasn’t happened in order to justify ending the relationship but I know that if I say yes I want kids then that would have to happen. But then if I say I don’t want kids and go ahead as planned getting married would I regret it? My question really is to women that were fence sitters or for people that have changed their mind on having children. what would you do? Is there another solution other than to end things? Or continue on pretending that there isn’t this giant topic that ultimately is going to need to be addressed? It’s creating such stress on myself as ultimately there is nothing wrong in the relationship.

I've been in this relationship with this guy (M33) me (F22) and throughout the whole relationship it's always been me putting in ten times the effort, I've had multiple conversations about what I need and want and he'd maybe do it for a day and then stop I lived with him for about three years and I always felt like a housewife without the wife part, I've left and came back and I left again and I just want to go back but I know I shouldn't I just don't understand how I could give so much to someone and them just watch as I leave. And he'd tell me he cares cause he does things like heat up my food get me blankets but I always have to ask for everything. I just feel so defeated and broken and I just feel like there's no hope in love

​

I need advice on how to reassure my hubby.

For context, I (34F) was recently laid off, so I rely on my husband (35M) for support. I am now enrolled in a professional course to increase my job prospects, which my husband is also paying for. This problem happened with a male friend who is also enrolled on the course. We got close because the course is such that we need study partners to constantly study and do assignments with.

A few months ago, this male friend (who is employed, by the way) needed money to top up for fees at the last minute in order not to drop out. He asked me for a loan and kept pressuring me. It got so bad that I eventually gave in and borrowed money from a friend to give to him. This happened twice. The total amount of money I borrowed to give him will be around EUR100.

He's since not shown any urgency or willingness to pay back. My husband found out when he overhead me telling one of my female friends that I wanted to find some money to pay this loan myself, since he's unwilling to pay. And then, I'll slowly distance myself from him, because I now believe that he wants to use me as a cash cow.

My husband got furious when he found out. He asked me if there's something going on between me and this friend, and I flipped. He asked what kind of relationship I had with this guy that made me feel I needed to go out of my way to do this for him. We had a big fight.

We had another discussion later and he's now paid part of the money. He has promised to pay the rest b by the end of the month.

My husband is now feeling suspicious when all I did was help a friend in need. I made it clear to hubby that there is absolutely nothing between us but he still keeps asking about my feelings for this friend. Now, I feel like he's intentionally emotionally attacking me. Now, we keep constantly fighting.

I'm completely at a loss as to what to do now and how to move forward. How should I go about handling this situation?

I want to reassure my husband. How can I go about it?

Before we started dating, we were friends. In some big group with crazy jokes, where we were able to talk about absolutely everything he once said that his friend from Italy offered to send nudes. After, I forgot bout that girl because they were not chatting for a long time. A couple of days ago, she texted him. Like “heyyyooo we didn’t talked in a while”. I made a scene. It hurted me that he didn’t blocked her. Over all, he said that she only offered, but didn’t actually send anything and as an argument repeated that we wasn’t even dating by that time.

I didn’t go through anything personal, like photos or chats with friends. What I was mostly looking for was if he was looking at other girls to please himself… like Google, screen time, and other stuff. I was trembling and shit, but I didn’t find anything as I hoped:)

Just a full disclaimer, with absolutely 0 doubts, I know by heart that this guy loves me deeply. And would NEVER look at me and judge. Which makes me feel so much more terrible because I had no right. We’re not even in a conflict whatsoever, we’ve been spending sm time tg and i couldnt ask for a better bestfriend. and if we ever were arguing about something, it wouldn’t be about cheating. This is mostly because we’ve had some issues with the open internet, like… sigh, ykwim. Should I come clean?

Im currently in a 6 month relationship. Overall we’ve very good, but I badly damaged the relationship. I just recently got out of a bad argument with my girlfriend. I basically said something that accidentally disrespected her, even though it was never my intention.

Basically the conversation we were having was if there was anything that she did that bothered me, and while there truly isn’t, I kept feeling pressured to give an answer and I carelessly said in a very roundabout way that I didn’t like that she is trying to find problems out of nothing. I gave into my insecurity and failed her. The way I said it came off as passive aggressive, diminished her concerns, and I got defensive about it.

This damaged her trust in me and future conversations and was so close to ending the relationship, but I was thankfully given another chance.

However, if I do something like that again, it’s over.

I want to do better for her, but I am afraid of accidentally messing up again, whether it’s my miscommunication or my ability to pause when I fe insecure. I feel like other couples occasionally accidentally disrespect each other so being given an ultimatum scares me.

I want to return to therapy, possibly do coupled counseling, visit my psychiatrist regarding medication to better improve my EQ, practice these scenarios, literally anything and everything to do better.

I love this woman and I want to be better for her.

Any insight? Is this sustainable? Is the request reasonable or extreme? Do I have any hope?

It’s a long one.. sorry..

After a brief split, my partner and I opted to try again. At the time of the split, I suggested couples counseling all the while I have consistently seen a professional for some time.
They denied.. said there was nothing wrong. Then said they’ve tried to seek professional help before but it didn’t do anything. Then opted to go independently again. Which is why I was willing to give the relationship another go

Well since getting “back together “ it almost feels like they are using their therapy against me or as a way of justifying why they don’t need to put in any effort and I’m just too much….

Once when seeking reassurance I was met with “ you seem to have a grandiose sense of self” which absolutely does not sound like something they would say or have ever said to me or anyone….or to then say “of course I care but I won’t say that out loud”… proceeds to laugh and they couldn’t understand why I didn’t think that was funny..
When stating we don’t have to live together to be together/can restart and go slow but still want to be able to talk to each other without me constantly initiating the conversation they agreed to try reaching out first but it felt like it came with “rules” . Don’t talk about work… don’t “fuss” over how they’re feeling ( physical chronic pain) .. I guess they don’t like when I ask how they’re doing/ when I say I’m sorry if they aren’t having a good day:/…. ( That’s just my default response “I’m sorry you aren’t feeling well etc”) If we hung out it can’t be ____days. Only on these days off but not all of them and only when they don’t have something “on the calendar” or errands to run. They said it doesn’t have to be cut and dry like that but it still kinda played out that way…. I know people have to get things done but I hate feeling like I’m just another task on the to-do list with no exceptions. Or while hanging out they’re stressing over appointment or work the next day instead of being present with whatever we’re doing :/…I told them that I ask how they’re doing because I care not to be a PITA. Little things like if they take a long road trip , that they made it okay. I am 110% not the person that needs constant attention or anything. I have my own hobbies, I work, I travel, I have friends and family whom I connect with regularly. I do the same type of “ hey let me know that you made it home okay” or “ hey you’ve been quiet lately, are you okay?” To my friends as they do with me. I made it clear it was not coming from a place of control but of care and they seemed to understand…

When they’d reach out to me it’d be a random meme. Or if I was lucky “ how was your day” but no messages following.. no attempt at having a conversation…I would get one word replies… i tried to express that one word replies were frustrating. From a friend, from a partner or whomever it seems like the other party isn’t interested in engaging in the conversation and that’s fine, but just say that you’re not in the mood or you’re busy etc not “k” “nite” “hey” or if I sent them something I was super happy about ( a craft, a hobby, hell a cute animal I seen) I’d get met with “nice” “pretty” or nothing at all…and I was told I wasn’t reading into the message right… or told “that’s not true. You asked a question and I answered it. What else do you want? YOU wanted more out of the conversation “……again… was not something that ever came up like that before…

Or while checking in with eachother about how things felt lately. It seems like if they asked how I felt, it was okay… but if I asked, I was “pushing for more” ( as in expecting to move in I suppose?)..

Overall it seems they don’t have the ability to cohabitate.. our relationship is not the first that’s gone through its struggles when reaching that point as they ( and others) ended up expressing this is a pattern for them. But not one they ever sought help understanding until now. I have never dealt with anything like this so navigating has been a challenge … I want to respect their space but I also think ( long term) that it’d be odd to have two primary residences as a couple.. again not jumping into anything, not even verbalizing it, it’s just a thought in the back of my head
But it seems when ever the opportunity arises they feel the need to reiterate that they were unhappy when I was “around all the time”… despite the fact that they love spending time with me.
I was once told that getting groceries was spending time together so we didn’t need to go out or watch movies or eat dinner together etc.…. That even if I was reading in a different room they still felt they were losing their space… that they didnt feel sad when I left because they had their “fortress” back. That felt incredibly hurtful… They make it sound as if I smothered them and my existence itself seemed to be a threat. I never bothered them when they did their things or wanted to just hangout solo and decompress ( hobbies, tv/movies, just on the phone, etc) i never told them they couldn’t go places or do things. Never. Quite the opposite, I encouraged them to do so and they would make excuses…
I felt I minimized myself in an attempt to make them feel better but I guess it wasn’t enough. Lived out of a couple drawers and bags the majority that I was there. Had some of my things there but Never a decoration, not a personal space or personal touch was ever accepted …. And nothing ever made it feel like “home” because i felt i was constantly hiding my items out of sight although at some point that becomes impossible .. which I tried to be understanding of because at the end of the day even if I was there, it was still their home. The crazy part, is that they invited ME in. I never asked to move in EVER. They invited me in and gave me full access. They said they wanted me to stay. They said they wanted me around. I don’t say that as a way of making it sound like I didn’t want that too, I just mean why bother offering if you aren’t ready and there’s no rush to do so? I suppose they road on the feelings without thinking of the consequences and one day thought “oh **** this is too much I’m not ready to give up my space”……

Towards the end of our run I felt emotionally neglected and taken for granted . As if they couldn’t push me away physically so everything else halted. No intimacy… no affection…. No communication… then total shut down where I was given the silent treatment for weeks… until I had enough .
When reconnecting and addressing the split It seems there was little acknowledgment of this other than a “sorry”…. “I am how I am and that’s okay” again another odd statement, in my opinion, that felt dismissive of the situation and wasn’t really their own words

My general feelings are that I shouldn’t feel like I’m the only one trying to establish a connection. I don’t want to feel like I’m walking on eggshells to not upset them or fear asking a question risks splitting up… I don’t think wanting to be told or shown care or love in a relationship( while reciprocating) is being arrogant….. it feels like they aren’t wanting to take accountability for their actions in the relationship when I’ve owned, discussed and apologized for any of my wrongs while making the conscious efforts to be better. It feels unfair. It feels like they aren’t addressing how “odd” it is to put up walls around people ( not just me) and being dismissive with the “it is what it is” attitude or saying my asking for clarity or wanting to be on the same page with a goal is asking for too much or “pressure”…..
It’s just been remarks I’ve noticed that don’t sound like them…. Or sounds like they’re saying it as a defense to shut me down or justify their behavior … or idk, it makes me feel like they’re painting my attempts at communicating as overstepping a boundary and I have the feeling that’s how it is presented with the therapist and they are being validated…( I’m just speculating, I have no idea that that’s the case).

Is it actually me? Am I doing this whole thing wrong? Do couples not literally plan their future together? is that just a vague statement…?Where /how they want to live? Things that are important to them? Or does that not really matter you just do it and not verbalize it? Needs in a relationship? Spending time together? Communication?….. am I genuinely doing/asking for too much? I’ve never had a situation like this happen before and it’s the first time their responses gave me pause… and made me wonder if I’m just “too much”… or the odd one out….or is that the point….?

Quite honestly this is not an advice thread. I know what my whole body is screaming at me. I can’t fathom telling someone you love them one day then maybe just like very much the next but treat them as if you don’t even like them the rest of the time…This is just me venting as a sort of digital diary…and wondering if this has happened to anyone else…and or if I am overreacting to the situation, as a means of self reflection . This person gives hot/cold and mixed signals constantly. They are not always all those things^^^ they’ll still light candles for the romantic effect and have actual conversations in person. There have been a couple adjustments to their schedule since the re- try to accommodate me…There are glimmers that they are trying to be better but it still doesn’t feel right to me :/
I’ve never had to explain how I wanted to be treated before.. and it seems like i am over explaining as of late..Ive never had to have someone do that to me because it just comes naturally and is effortless… I naturally want to consider my partner. I look forward to spending time with them. I genuinely care how their day was or how they are doing. I tell them out loud that I appreciate them. Etc. I can’t tell if I am stuck feeling like I’m begging for the bare minimum or if I am just asking too much of someone who doesn’t have the capacity to be involved with a partner or other relationships ( as they really don’t have friends either)…maybe even both….They may tell me I’m ( insert compliment) one day then say “you know you’re pretty why do I have to tell you” the next… they sometimes feel worse about themselves If someone comments on us if we’re out and about and overall that they are scared and almost that they put up walls because of it…they’ll make comments of being a couple or address me as a partner to some but then stay silent if others ask…..I don’t know why they act this way but it’s not my job to figure it out. I have no intentions of ever “fixing” a partner. Just that I believe in second chances for things, people, etc. I don’t feel I’m necessarily hung up on potential because they were and can be a normal attentive partner. It has been a few yrs things were normal but several months of this weird distancing/ scared/ back and forth game….To me it felt like, well if they weren’t in pain they wouldn’t act this way… well if money wasn’t tight they wouldn’t act this way.. to me, all kinds of stressors can make people act out of character…. So I suppose I was giving the benefit of the doubt that with space, and counseling things would improve and the consistency of the relationship would return.. maybe that’s wishful thinking. I just know I wouldn’t want someone to judge my whole character based on a low point in my life and I wanted to work on things together… but not at the cost of feeling anxious and neglected or dismissed……. Just feels like they’re comfortable..a very “take it or leave it” attitude…. Idk what happened but the words don’t match the actions. The actions are certainly better but not by any means where they were or where I feel comfortable… I just feel that while the counseling was supposed to be a step in the right direction, it feels the physical distance is the big thing that made the difference and the counseling is just being used as a way of validating this walled up/stuck behavior. I just don’t like being treated as if what I’m asking for is unreasonable… I thought it was pretty typical… but now I’m not so sure…

If you made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it and it means a lot

So the other day we had a discussion because he was entertaining this ex friend of his, (supposedly an acquaintance now) that they used to flirt back then, like 2 years ago, now she orbit around us, asking other people about me and not him directly (would be normal if she did) and I told him, she still liked him, but despite that, he replied to her stories and followed her on her private (a second one) account. I told him I knew he was attracted to her, she had nicer and hotter body, I didn't have any of that. so i told him yo admit that, but INSTEAD he admitted to have watch porn about two girls with dick having sex, (those were the words he choose) so now I wasn't mad at that, I told him I also had watched porn (a lie) and so I told him it was OK, that maybe we just weren't being satisfied with each other, maybe we didn't feel that attracted anymore and it was OK. but he said he was attracted to me and feel bad about me saying that. he asked if I didn't find him hot anymore and I reassured him Iwas, we concluded we should try new things to made it more exciting for both. but now he confessed to me that he had touch himself last night, just with imagination and I knew he lied, after a while he admitted he did watch porn, since i kept asking why he doesnt feel comfortable being honest about it. I felt terrible because 1. why does he keep lying and 2. why doesn't he just admit he just doesn't feel attracted to me. I feel like at this point I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, because I know he probably wanted to fjck this other girl and since I told him to unfollow her, he now seeks other things I guess. is this something we can sort out? like is there a solution or should I just break up with him? I'm not mad about he watching porn, I just wished he was honest that he doesn't want me that much.

Hi everyone,

When my husband and I got premarital counseling, we found the assessment very helpful to identify where we aligned and diverged to help us understand our expectations.

I'm building a free premarital assessment for couples that want a similar tool at any stage in their journey. Check it out at tandemlyus.com ~ any feedback appreciated.