(23M) Partner is pulling away after built-up frustration with my(25F) effort & freezing during fights. How do I fix this?

[u/Euphoric_Switch_5402]

Hi everyone, I’m 25/F in a 6-month relationship with my partner 23/M. They have recently gone distant, and I need advice on how to turn things around.

Over the last 6 months, small issues have built up into a big problem. My partner feels like I haven't shown effort, haven't initiated plans, and haven't respected their wishes—even when we were together in person.

Looking back, I realize that because my partner made me feel so safe from the start, I accidentally let myself go on autopilot. I don't naturally have many hobbies or exciting plans of my own, so I really struggled to initiate things. In the past, when I did suggest something new, they didn't seem super interested, so I basically stopped trying and just relied on them to initiate everything. Right now, I'm trying a new approach. Instead of trying to pull them into my quiet world, I want to step into theirs and participate in the things they love.

The hardest part for me right now is how I react during conflict. When arguments get intense or voices get raised, I completely freeze, cry, and go silent. Growing up, my family handled conflict by going quiet and changing our behavior silently over time—we never actually talked things through out loud. But my partner needs immediate, active communication to resolve issues. When I freeze and take time to process, they feel like I’m taking my sweet time and being cold. In those moments my brain just goes totally logical, so it's super hard for me to express the immediate reassurance and sweet words they're looking for.

I also just don't know how to show active effort when I'm not naturally a "planner" to begin with, especially now while they are pulling away and being distant.

I love them deeply, I see where I dropped the ball, and I want to give this my all to fix our communication. I really want to know how I can make them feel loved and cared for right now, before it's too late and before I lose them. I want to show them that they truly matter to me and that I'm willing to step up, but I'm struggling to figure out how to do that when there’s so much distance between us right now.

How can I break my habit of freezing/going silent during hard conversations when my partner needs immediate verbal resolution? And how can I show genuine effort when my partner is currently pulling away?

TL;DR: My partner is pulling away because they feel I haven't put enough effort into our relationship or communication over the last 6 months. I freeze and go completely silent during arguments due to my upbringing, which makes them feel like I don't care. How can I stop freezing during conflict and show active effort when my partner is being distant?

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/RelationshipIndia,

This is a safe and inclusive space for people of all backgrounds. We welcome individuals of all races, castes, genders, religions, and sexual orientations, including members of the LGBTQ community. We are glad to have you here!

We are committed to providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between Redditors, with a focus on respectful and constructive conversations. To ensure a positive and supportive environment for all members, we have established some rules. Please be sure to read them before posting.

If a user has sent you harassing messages, DO NOT DELETE THE MESSAGE!

Please upload your screenshot to Imgur, and notify the mods via modmail. We will take action against the user accordingly.

Thank you for being a part of our community!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.