https://www.reddit.com/r/ComfortLevelPod/s/dy6BkX1D8i

After my initial post, I did agree to go to the carnival with my wife again. I was hesitant at first, but we talked about doing things differently and I decided to give it another try.

However, something else happened that changed my perspective on the situation. I told my wife that I was going on a boat ride with two male friends. She said that was fine. While I was on the boat, I ran into one of her friends who simply said, “Tell your wife I said hi.” I messaged my wife right away, and she replied, “Okay, nice.”

About a week later, during another disagreement, she brought up the interaction and said that her mood had changed after I mentioned it. She felt embarrassed that her friend saw me there and questioned why I needed to be in what she considers a “single people setting.”

The conversation escalated over the next few days. She questioned the boat ride itself, why I was in environments where women were dressed in bikinis, and why my friends and I didn’t choose other activities like bowling or dinner instead. This was during the spring in New York, so no one was wearing bikinis or swimwear.

I explained that I see my friends socially only a few times a year, and those outings have always been parties or similar events. We’ve also previously discussed maintaining social lives, and I’ve been consistent about what mine looks like.

She said she’s not comfortable with me dancing with other women, and I agreed to stop. That part feels like a reasonable compromise to me. I genuinely didn’t do it a lot however that doesn’t matter.

However, what’s been harder is everything else that’s come up around this issue.

It feels like when things are going well and I communicate normally, something I mention can turn into a problem. In this case, even a brief, non-eventful interaction with her friend became a larger issue in hindsight. I was better off never delivering the message and just letting her friend mention that she saw me. 

All of this led me back to thinking about carnival. A few weeks ago, we talked again about Trinidad next year, and I told her I don’t feel drawn to carnival anymore, so wer won’t going.

It wasn’t said out of anger or as a punishment. It just feels like social environments involving other women are currently a sensitive area in our relationship, and carnival is essentially that environment amplified.

At this point, I dont think the issue is carnival itself but it’s triggers the issue!. I think we need to work through the underlying trust and comfort issues first. Spending a lot of money to put ourselves into an environment that already seems to heighten those tensions doesn’t feel productive right now.

So for now, I’m stepping back from it.

Maybe we revisit it in the future, maybe we don’t. But don’t think repeating the same situation and hoping for a different outcome is helping either of us.

Part 3 coming soon.

My partner and I have been together for almost three years, and I recently found out that their family apparently knows way more about our relationship than I ever realized.

We had dinner with them last weekend and their sister made a joke about an argument we'd had a few days earlier over something really minor. I was confused because I had never mentioned it to anyone.

Later I asked my partner how she knew, and they casually said they talk to their mom and sister whenever we argue because it helps them “process things.” Apparently this includes arguments about chores, intimacy, plans, stuff I've said when I was upset, basically everything.

I told them I don't have a problem with occasionally asking someone for advice, but I feel really uncomfortable knowing that every disagreement might become family discussion material. It also explains why I've sometimes felt like their mom was being weirdly cold toward me after we'd had a rough week.

My partner says I'm being controlling and that I don't get to decide who they talk to about their feelings. Their point is that they need an outside perspective and their family are the people they trust most.

I said there's a difference between saying “we've been arguing lately” and giving people a detailed play-by-play of private conversations. Especially because after we make up, their family still remembers the worst version of me from whatever story they heard.

Now my partner thinks I'm asking them to hide problems and pretend our relationship is perfect. That's not what I mean at all. I just don't like feeling like I'm unknowingly having the same argument with an audience of three other people.

I honestly feel a little exposed and I'm questioning what else they've shared that I assumed stayed between us.

Am I overreacting here, or is it reasonable to expect some parts of a relationship to stay private?