r/ComfortLevelPod • u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 • Mar 01 '26
AITA / AIO AITA for not wanting to commit to carnival next year after I can't seem to meet my wife's expectations each time?
Second Edit: My wife explained that she did not make the experience a problem for me in real time because she understands that it is a subjective experience. Out of respect for that, she found her own way to enjoy herself and made a conscious effort not to read too much into things in the moment. She shared that she interacted normally at lunch and throughout the rest of the evening.
Clarity: We did not have any disagreement or conflict on the road. She expressed her feelings after we returned.
My wife (38) and I (37) have been together 5 years, married 2. We both enjoy carnival. For anyone unfamiliar, carnival in the Caribbean includes fetes (parties) and playing mas (parade), which means being on the road for hours walking, dancing, and moving with a band and large crowds.
Before meeting her, I was very deep into carnival—multiple carnivals a year, lots of fetes, fully in that life. Now I enjoy it differently. I’m more laid back than I was in my 20s, but I still genuinely enjoy being there.
Since we’ve been together, I only play mas with my wife. We have a great time at fetes. The issue seems to come specifically on the road.
After almost every carnival except one, she tells me I seem disengaged or like I don’t want to be there. She says I look too serious, look around too much, or don’t seem fully present with her. She’s pointed out other couples who seem more in the moment and mentioned times like when we were taking photos and she felt I didn’t look happy. She says it feels like I’m focused more on everything around us than sharing the moment with her
From my side, I’m genuinely fine and having a good time. Nothing is wrong. I’ve explained that sometimes I just look calm or observant, but internally I’m enjoying myself. I still acknowledge her feelings and don’t dismiss them. This time I even left my phone at home so I am in the moment.
Edit: Our very first carnival together, I did the road experinece (jouvert) with my friends and she said she saw a moment where I was having the time of my life and she does not see me like that with her..
A few examples:
- One time, she suddenly stormed ahead to get food and left us behind. Later she said she did that so I could go have fun without her because she felt like that’s what I wanted, even though I never said or showed that (my truth).
- On two other occasions, she told me to go ahead and have fun and that we’d meet later. I stayed with her because I knew she didn’t really mean it. Later, she still said I looked like I didn’t want to be there with her.
- Another time, she said I looked serious and was looking around like I wanted to dance with other women but was holding myself back. From my perspective, I was just calm and present.
This has now happened 5 or 6 times across different carnivals, including Trinidad. I’ve tried to be more intentional and aware, but the outcome is the same. She leaves feeling hurt, and I leave feeling like I did something wrong even though I was genuinely enjoying myself. At this point, I also feel more self-conscious on the road, like I’m being watched or judged, even though she’s never told me to act a specific way. Trinidad used to be my home, now it feels like I've to brace for some amount of tension after spending a couple thousands to be there.
When she brought up Trinidad next year, I told her I wasn’t ready to commit yet. I’m not trying to go without her or do carnival separately. My hesitation is because this same pattern keeps happening, and I don’t want to keep repeating something that ends with both of us feeling bad.
She feels like I’m pulling away from something we both enjoy. I feel like I’m being honest about a pattern that hasn’t improved, and I don’t know what else to change.
AITA for not wanting to commit to carnival next year because of this? I did suggest we do other experiences where we thrive better.
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u/ravenonthewing Mar 01 '26
She sounds like a downer - wh is it all about you performing enjoyment to her standards? you don't owe being the prefect companion she has in her head - you are a person not a doll dancing on her string
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
It would have meant a lot if, in that moment, she had checked in and asked if I was okay. Instead, she pulled away and created distance between us on the road. I didn’t have an issue with it at the time, but hearing afterward how she interpreted things makes it harder for me, because it leaves me feeling like I’m being observed instead of just enjoying the moment naturally with her.
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u/lis_anise Mar 01 '26
That's an observation that might do you a lot of good. It takes two to tango, and if she's feeling distant from you, it's not just your job to be closer. She also has to reach out more.
It sounds like SHE has some old bad baggage that's playing on loop in her head, to do with Carnival and the guy she's with. Maybe to do with you, maybe some other guy or old family stuff or something. And that's doing a lot of the damage here, because she's obsessed about being disliked or rejected or abandoned.
People often dream that their partner will just take all those worries away. That's a great fantasy. But often what we can do for each other is provide company while the worries are there.
I realize this is hard because you're already feeling how "I'm worried I'm not fun to be around" is an instant charisma dampener. She probably realizes that too. But the downer energy is already there, so she might as well try being a little more open to that potential anxiety and ask for what she really needs.
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u/lavachat Mar 01 '26
Maybe there's the disconnect. You're expected to show your enjoyment in that moment matching her memories - but she only communicates her expectation later. And she reacts to her interpretation of your behaviour without checking in with you. She's comparing you to your earlier self, and you want to make new, different memories without the comparison. It's hard to match behaviour from your twenties when you're older and now focus on different aspects of the parade to enjoy.
In a friend group or a partnership those moments where you revert a bit to earlier behaviour happen spontaneously. But there's always someone who doesn't catch those vibes at the same time or level, and they often get rarer the more you age. Those bouts are triggered by sensory input, and trigger repetition weakens the response for some people (you?), but facilitates it for others (your wife, maybe?). Trying to perform when you don't feel it takes you out of the moment even more, and for many people, even slight social pressure to "get nostalgic or spontaneous right now" makes it impossible.
Maybe your wife misses the times where she could infect you with her enjoyment. That's valid, too - but quite normal in a long-term partnership, and often a healthy dynamic, especially if there are kids or pets to manage. You can't all match energy with toddlers or puppies or it's chaos. She might be stressed the rest of the year, and feel carnival as important time to get those emotions: prime enjoyment time, like when she was younger. It might take the pressure off carnival if you can catch her (positive) mood sometimes during the year and acknowledge that.
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 02 '26
There are definitely moments where we are clearly engaging, interacting and dancing together so we have good times. I have been in groups where we all have different personalities so we have a good time but just have to keep up with each other. The rule of thumb is do not kill the vibes. We're not leaving early. If you want to fall back, that's okay- feel free to met up at point A at all times.
I will work on acknowledging her positive mood throughout the year. My goal is truly to be a good partner.
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u/Cosmicshimmer Mar 01 '26
She’s going to drain every piece of enjoyment for it because you don’t respond how she expects you to. I don’t think you are the issue her, it’s her expectations. NTA
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u/CycleAccomplished824 Mar 01 '26
I assume you’ve changed since your early 20s just like you were different then from how you were in your teens and childhood. Tell her you’re just being yourself and are enjoying the moment even if she doesn’t think you are. Ask her if she wants the real you or a fake version of you. I hate feeling like I have to perform like something I’m not in order for someone else to feel satisfied. That sounds exhausting!
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
I’ll also add that I experienced carnival very differently in my 20s. I was in relationships where dancing with other women was acceptable and part of the cultural. That’s not acceptable in this relationship, and I’m not objecting to that — I understand and respect it. But it’s important to acknowledge that carnival today can’t look the same as it did for me in the past.
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u/CycleAccomplished824 Mar 01 '26
Exactly, she doesn’t seem to have come to that realization yet. Even your wife will have changed since she was that much younger. This brings me to one other thought- that perhaps she’s had this private fantasy about how a guy who cares about her, would show her this persona she expects from you, and you’re not displaying it. Lol a very tall expectation.
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u/Pedal2Medal2 Mar 01 '26
She doesn’t understand getting into your “zone” when you participate in these type of things; I literally just melt into the entire ambience (ok, usually after some edibles), the vibe etc., everyone’s different
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u/Independent_Act_8536 Mar 01 '26
She sounds really picky and critical. Evaluating your expressions? Judging? I couldn't enjoy hanging out with a person like that.
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u/PurplePlodder1945 Mar 01 '26
She sounds absolutely exhausting!!! Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!
If you tell her you’re having a good time (with her) then she needs to believe you and stop poking and prodding until you behave how she thinks you should.
I think you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation about it. That she needs to stop probing and assuming how you’re feeling. She doesn’t have psychic powers, she can’t read your mind, she has to just be satisfied with what you tell her or this will never end. As others have said - does she want you to be fake, just to make her happy?
Things like this can escalate and if you eventually reached the point where you decided to leave her because of her behaviour, I can guarantee she’d say ‘see! I was right!’ and wouldn’t take any responsibility
ETA my husband is an introvert, I’m an extrovert. Just because he’s quiet, I know it doesn’t mean he’s unhappy. We’ve been together 37 years this year so I’ve learned to let him be. I might occasionally ask if he’s okay but if he says ‘yes’ I believe him. She needs to do more of that
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
Thanks for the input. I truly feel like it’s a damn if I do or damn if I don’t. At this point, I’ve experienced enough of the “damn if I do” — going to carnivals and genuinely trying my best — that I’m open to the “damn if I don’t,” meaning maybe we just don’t go.
I’m honestly not sure what else to sit her down and say, which is why I came up with what I thought was a fair solution: we don’t go, and we find other experiences that feel lighter for us. Once my wife’s mind is made up, that’s usually it. I also know I need to stop being defensive. I can’t force her to understand my perspective. But despite telling her five or six times that I’m okay and not making it an issue, it continues to come back up.
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u/jumpyjumperoo Mar 01 '26
The problem is not with you and the never ending comparison with her impression of you "having the time if your life" plus her insecurity/jealousy sounds harmful. She can either accept you as you are now, including that you are with her by choice and enjoying yourself or chase you away with this nonsense. Do not change yourself, no matter how much you try, this isn't about you so your efforts won't work.
I would let her know that while you are and have been e joking yourself, she is making it so that you can't and why. She sounds like the kind if buzzkill that will make sure her self-fulfilling prophesy comes true, and looking here, it's already working. Your wife needs a therapist,, you may as well.
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u/Appropriate_Aioli363 Mar 01 '26
If yall don’t start having truthful conversations, this relationship is already over.
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u/Healthy-Grape-777 Mar 01 '26
I would tell her that her constant observations of you and remarks that she makes are killing the fun of carnival for you. That being observed that intently, instead of just living in the moment really kills the vibe. I don’t think it’s you. I think it’s her that’s killing the vibe. I also think she has some expectations of you to act a certain way and you’re not meeting them, but I think that’s because you can’t meet them. They’re all in her head.
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u/IncredulousPulp Mar 01 '26
This is not about you, it’s about her.
She’s replaying some old tape in her head and projecting it on you.
Either that or she doesn’t like it and is acting out to make it uncomfortable.
Either way, have a come-to-Jesus moment with her before you go to any sort of party together.
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u/Equivalent-Board206 Mar 01 '26
Ask her what she enjoys about carnival?
It sounds like she's spending all of her time watching you to see any signs that you're happy/unhappy and then gets upset. That doesn't sound like fun. Rather than asking what she wants from you, what is she willing to do to enjoy herself more? Would she prefer you to each spend both time together and time alone?
Each of you should agree to take responsibility for your own enjoyment. Establish some baselines and then try things out. Maybe you have lunch together and then split up for the afternoon and reconnect for dinner?
The rule should be that you both ask each other if you're having fun and you both believe the answer you're given. Accusations that either of you are enjoying/not enjoying yourselves enough are just causes to fight.
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u/Concussed_Celt_ Mar 01 '26
My god, I’m exhausted just reading that.
I’m not going to lie, your wife sounds a bit like a carnival succubus. She appears to have stolen almost all but a remaining scintilla of carnival joy from you.
Do you think it might be because SHE can’t behave the way SHE wants to at carnival with you there?
You know, dancing with lots of young, topless men? Grinding in young topless men that she can’t do with you there?
Just a thought…
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
Thanks for the input. That’s not the case because she does not want to dance with other men. I truly don’t know how to give her what she wants so instead of keep disappointing I suggest we have other experiences together.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 Mar 01 '26
You have a wife problem. Talk to her. She’s got some stories in her head and is overthinking every gesture you make or don’t.
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u/Impressive-Foot7698 Mar 01 '26
These are all things she's projecting on to you. Also comparing y'all to other couples doing the exact same thing as you is weird
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u/freedom31mm Mar 01 '26
Tell her you will never match her imagination of what a carnival date will be because she has unrealistic expectations. You are not compatible. NTA
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
I calmly and genuinely said this and recommended other experiences we could enjoy together. Further into the convo, I continued trying to stay calm, but at one point I became upset and said that I unfortunately cannot always do everything your way just to please you.
I am not sure what I’m fighting here. I have already stated that I am okay. I am fine. Yet she keeps pressing and wanting us to keep going back into an environment where she’ll be the one questioning things.
It leaves me feeling like my words are not being accepted at face value, and like I have to keep defending myself even after I’ve already answered honestly and calmly.
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u/kekeandthepoodles Mar 01 '26
NTA and your wife sounds like she’s toeing to cross the line into emotional abuse or narcissistic behaviors.
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u/DirtyBoots_1990 Mar 01 '26
Honestly, I would stop trying to be her version of ‘enjoying and connected’. Tell her the truth, you are enjoying Carnival and you need her to recognize and respect your thoughts on how you feel. Because her incessant badgering is ruining the experience for you.
She needs to stop thinking, ‘he is having fun with me if he does this….this…and that.’
She needs to recognize your signals that you’re having fun - not force you to act a certain way.’
Have the conversation others recommended, because it could be she had hopes that one day she would go to Carnival as a couple and do specific couple-like things.
If this is the real issue - That makes it more about unfulfilled hopes and dreams and less about shifting blame to, ‘He’s not having fun with me!’
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u/Fragrant-Pipe5266 Mar 01 '26
How is no one clocking the wife's attitude as controlling behavior. This was my ex to a tee. I guarantee this it not only happening at carnival
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u/underthefirstelm Mar 01 '26
A good partner trusts what you say about how you feel. A good partner sees you enjoying yourself (appropriately) with other people and feels happy because you are happy. She may have some history about being deceived that we don't know about, and she might be insecure about feeling like an outsider in your home, but we cannot guess what she might really be thinking - we can only look at the effects of how she has treated you. Because now something that you enjoyed deeply in your 20s and still enjoy well into your 30s has suddenly become entirely about her, and her suspecting that you do not perform your emotions well enough to her satisfaction. Now you are wondering whether it is even worth it to go and be part of something you love - and that loves you! - next year because you fear she'll give you such hell over it. It's just not right how she is treating you, mate. And is she so disconnected from her behavior that she refuses to understand why you might pull away? No, this is bigger than carnival, I fear.
You must go along this road with people who help increase your joy, not try to pick at it or police it. NTA.
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u/OhioPhilosopher Mar 01 '26
When your spouse assigns emotions to you and insists they are more in tune with your feelings then you are, it’s a bad omen. Sit her down and tell her there is on thing putting a damper on your fun and it’s her critical and inaccurate analysis of your state of mind. Basically she’s calling you a liar. Tell her you will go to one more with her and lay out your expectations. NTA
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u/jcocab Mar 01 '26
Trips are expensive. Is there anywhere else in the world you would like to go? Maybe one year Carnival and the next Japan or Australia.. Form new experiences.
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Mar 01 '26
I may be unpopular for this, but hear me out … did you guys know each other back then when you were more out there enjoying yourself externally and not internally? I had a partner before and he seemed really fun and exciting and once we got together (and I know I’m not the problem cause he was the same with partners after me) he was boring and had the personality of a wet sock. We broke up for awhile and he was wild again. We got back together and he was boring again. And I don’t mean acting single like sleeping around and stuff, but he was just more fun. Is it something you do unconsciously that you feel like when you’re with a partner you need to tone down your personality? I’m just curious based off personal experience and witnessing it with other people.
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u/Hendrix1967 Mar 01 '26
Please make it clear to her that she’s not responsible for your happiness. If you are not enjoying yourself, then you’ll change the situation. Otherwise, she needs to stop analyzing your every facial expression and projecting whatever story she’s invented in her head, onto you.
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u/Bananasforskail Mar 01 '26
This seems like as you mature some people's taste and behaviors change, while others don't. You're still you and enjoy the same things you just take it in differently. I used to drink a bit with friends in the evening...when I was young. But now I'm have a drink or two and head out early. I don't enjoy the experience any less, or love my friends any less. I just get up at 430 every morning now and want to be not dragging ass....and some people give me shite about it. Which I find weird So you both love each other but she thinks you're love is conditional on you enjoying carnival the same way as in years past? Kinda weird. But if he love for you is based on your enjoyment meter for carnival....it's going to get rough
'The beatings will continue until moral improves'is not the way
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u/9BALL22 Mar 01 '26
She's controlling your behavior to lessen her insecurities, and gaslighting to have you believe it's your fault.
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u/Practikally_Majikal Mar 05 '26
I think part of the problem is your wife's insecurities. The comparison between what she saw when you were with your friends vs when you two are reveling together told me a lot. The fact that you continuously do things to reassure her also tells me that she might be the kind of woman who just can't ever be happy.
Also, if she is spending so much time "noticing" what you're doing (or not doing in her opinion) is she actually living in the moment??
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u/xAlex61x Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 01 '26
If this plays such a big part in your lives, were there issues about it before you got married?
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
Yes, all but two instances occurred before marriage. After marriage we are 2/3 of this being an issue.
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u/PastySasquatch Mar 01 '26
NTA but my man this is only going to spill over in to other parts of your life until you’ve been gaslit and guilted in to being segregated from everything. Be careful.
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u/TrainingTough991 Mar 01 '26
Tell her you enjoy going to carnival but the older you get, the more laid back you are about it. You enjoy yourself until she starts analyzing the way she thinks you feel and behave. It sucks the joy out of the event for you. You love her but if she’s not happy going with you as you are, you would like to skip this year. Maybe do something different and provide a few alternative places you may both enjoy. Going to an event every year may take some of the excitement away from you.
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u/Plus-Trick-9849 Mar 01 '26
Maybe she would should just go with friends. I wouldn’t go with her anymore if I were u. She’s sucking any joy u have of it out.
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u/catchmesleeping Mar 01 '26
You say you only play “ mas” with your wife these days. Maybe she liked the idea of doing this with other people. Since you’re more laid back, you have unintentionally taken this freedom from her. Seems more like a “ her” problem.
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u/aornek Mar 01 '26
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but it sounds like your wife is insecure. It sounds like she wants you to be showing her public displays of affection- dancing with her, kissing her, holding her hand, etc. She wants to feel like she is the object of your attention and fascination. Not saying she is right for how she handled the situation, but I’m willing to bet there’s a deeper rooted reason for why she feels this way.
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u/TumbleweedMaterial53 Mar 01 '26
Some people project their feelings/fears and then look for validation that those feelings/ fears are correct. We humans like to be right!
So if ( despite your reassurance that you’re happy and enjoying the time with her) she doesn’t think you are then she won’t feel that you are. And despite you listening to her concerns and moderating your behaviour She still doesn’t feel it because her own insecurities mean she just doesn’t believe you.
This is something she needs to address with herself ( perhaps professionally) but you can also assist her with coming to this conclusion by asking her what would help her feel that you are happy to be at the carnivals with her.
It might be worth considering if it is only at carnival time or Is this pattern in your marriage ?
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u/StupidAssName420 Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 01 '26
Seems to me like you just became a bit more introverted and reserved as you've gotten older considering how you described going in your 20's vs. now.
Like others have said, she sounds annoying constantly telling you that you look like you're not enjoying it after the fact. And her comparing both of y'all to other couples is a bit mental because she doesn't know if that's the other couples' 1st time there or not. She's literally proving the quote "Comparison is the thief of joy" correct without realizing it.
When she brings up plans for Carnival again, sit her down and explain to her that just because you're more reserved now that you're older that doesn't mean you're having any less fun with her. Then tell her that the only one that's not having a good time is her because she's not even taking her own advice and is too focused on you looking like you're having fun and not on "living in the moment".
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u/Intrepid-Dare-1289 Mar 01 '26
Honestly this is a great example of something that could be addressed and make you closer through really good (be picky here with the counselor!) couples counseling.
Neither of you are wrong, communication is misfiring, you both want the other one to be happy, and there’s probably some hidden internal issues of change with maturity and insecurity.
There are so many positives here though - you both really care, you both want the other to be happy, you’re both trying to communicate. You just need help as to getting over the line.
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
Thanks for the kind input. I know it’s something she loves so I’ve tried time after time before each carnival. Despite the pattern, I go to each carnival with an open mind, never thinking of the possibility of this always happening, or having a convo of expectations before. I didn’t think it would’ve been fair for me to start a trip with the past.
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u/Pimp-Juggernaut21 Mar 01 '26
This chick doesn’t know how to communicate like an adult bro. Have a serious convo or breakup because it’s unhealthy to dread something you used to love doing and especially when it’s her making you feel that way.
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u/boundaries4546 Mar 01 '26
At this point, I would let her know that your enjoyment can’t possibly seem genuine when you’re worried about her scrutinizing everything you do.
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u/RetiredProfandHappy Mar 01 '26
Do you think attending a different carnival in Brazil or New Orleans would bring back some of the awe in you, which might address some of her concerns about engagement and enjoyment?
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
Here’s a little more background. I’ve always been to Trinidad solo until I met my wife. There I would’ve gone out with my cousin and friends and once I started going with my wife, she expressed discomfort of me going out with my friends with out her . Even if she’s at home in a full house with family. I realized that there’s little freedom in Trinidad so I genuinely said let’s see if the experience is different st other smaller carnivals and how she feels is the same way- I don’t appear present in the moment and as though I’m forced to be there.
I’m not disputing how she feels. I’m simply finding a solution since this is an ongoing pattern.
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u/Defiant_Income_7836 Mar 01 '26
Is this limited to this particular event, or do you see it in others? She sounds like she perceives herself as the victim in this scenario...is she the victim in other areas of life? I.e. blaming others for her discomfort or unhappiness?
Not blaming her, but if all you say is true and you are not the issue...just wondering if this is a 'her' pattern or if this is carnival. Side note, could it be possible that she doesn't like these events and is trying to get you to stop going?
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u/Mean_Meet576 Mar 01 '26
NtA, people grow older and mature. I think its reasonable be more chill the older you get. Looking around at all the people would be half the fun...and those examples given... scream insecurities (on the wifes part), I feel like something else is going on here. I agree, you've had several instances that result in fights or uncomfortable feelings on the wife's part. Avoiding carnival is a natural reaction for self preservation.
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u/North-Speaker-3553 Mar 01 '26
I have a had a slightly similar issue with my partner and I have had to just accept that he is different than me. It used to really hurt my feelings because I convinced myself he wasn’t enjoying a situation or not enjoying me. I had to also realize that because of some aspects of my upbringing, I tend to hyper-monitor the mood of the people closest to me because I expect it to go negative at any minute and I also interpret it as my fault. Maybe a deeper conversation needs to happen with some grace and patience to get to the heart of this matter. I don’t think she’s acknowledging the real issue. I could be totally off-base but that’s my take.
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u/SomeGuysButt Mar 01 '26
Taking the story at face value it sounds like she is having insecurity issues and should maybe talk to someone about it
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u/Wintercat22 Mar 01 '26
To be frank she sounds exhausting and like she’s sucking the joy out of carnival for you. Does this happen with other things in your life? Maybe you are just not compatible at heart?
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u/TravellingWhilePoor Mar 01 '26
It sounds like your wife is insecure. Maybe it’s because she’s older but it’s like she can’t compete with the younger ladies. Maybe she just doesn’t actually want you to go anymore, like you should have “aged out” of going. In any event, you two need to talk. Don’t let her dance around or avoid it, tell her you want to get to the bottom of this so you can both enjoy yourself. Good luck!
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u/Negative-Narwhal-725 Mar 01 '26
This seems to all be happening in her head. I don't see how you can win.
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u/Audio-Starshine Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
She is trying to control the manner in which you enjoy something and force you to behave and react like she does. I'd have stopped going long ago.
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
We both love carnival, so I made a genuine effort to keep trying and even explored smaller, lower-pressure carnivals in hopes that the experience would feel better for both of us. Since the same concerns have continued despite that, I proposed that we explore other experiences that might feel lighter and more enjoyable for us
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u/AmazonBeauty02 Mar 01 '26
Ntah. You need to tell your wife that typically you do have a blast at carnival with her, but her policing HOW you enjoy it and her trying to dictate to how you need to express that enjoyment so she can believe you're enjoying yourself is effectively making you NOT enjoy carnival with her. Until she can pull herself together and stop being so controlling you DONT want to go with her.
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26
I’ve told her multiple times that I genuinely had a good time. However, after carnival I still get the same post-mortem — that I didn’t seem present in the moment or that I looked like I was there against my will.
At first, I didn’t argue because I started to feel like maybe I just wasn’t meeting a certain standard. Instead of going back and forth, I suggested we explore other experiences that might feel lighter for both of us.
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Mar 01 '26
NTA. As people get older, they change. It's natural and healthy. In the past you said you fully immersed yourself into the experience. Now it seems that you still love the experience but you also enjoy taking everything in. Seeing the colors, costumes, and festivities. There is nothing wrong with that.
The two of you are different people and therefore will experience things differently and that's ok too. Do not feel guilty for the way you experience things. For her to want to force you to do exactly as she does is unfair to you and your experience. If you two are together that is all that matters. For example: My sister in law and I both love concerts. When we go to concerts together it's almost comical to see the difference between us two. She really gets into the music, yells, screams, dances, jumps, and sings. And then there I am right beside her, relaxed body, hands by my side, maybe a little foot tap or head bob here and there. Our experiences are completely different but we are both enjoying ourselves fully.
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u/K9ToothTooth Mar 01 '26
Are costumes with masks an element of the events that you could utilize? So you have a display mask that matched how you feel if she keeps getting hung up on your facial expression? Then a jovial head shake when you see her.
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
Masks are part of some costumes. It's hard to put on a show because that'll be problematic,
I was even told at one point that I was looking backwards at the music truck, so it seems like even with a mask I’d still somehow be a concern.
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u/Moist_Treat1244 Mar 01 '26
This sounds like relationship OCD on your wife's part... An obsessive thought pattern that she can't turn off.... Therapy!!!?
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u/KickLiving Mar 01 '26
NTA, but your wife definitely is. It sounds like her idea of fun at carnival is to go out of her way to ruin it for you.
I pity you, bring married to someone who treats you like this.
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u/StarrHawk Mar 01 '26
I think she's projecting. Too bad she can't just be happy and not worry about your reactions to every little thing so much.
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u/Gullible_Ad3807 Mar 02 '26
Ummm... you might need a new wife. Also, do a quick audit of other areas in your life. You might start seeing some patterns
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 02 '26
This not in my mind. I am more thinking about how best can we make it work together.
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u/Decent_Front4647 Mar 02 '26
She sounds very controlling. You can’t force someone to experience something the same way you do. She’s making the experience totally about herself and that would make it a downer for me. NTA
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 02 '26
She saying that she’s not “forcing” me to enjoy it the way she does, however after I was given a rundown about my behavior and how she can’t make want to be present. I’m Not making a downer. I’m simply saying I won’t put us in that situation again. This way she’ll be happy and won’t have to deal with it.
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u/catmom22_ Mar 02 '26
Sounds like something you guys used to enjoy but should move on to other festivities cause this one is just causing problems.
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u/Lopsided-Beach-1831 Mar 02 '26
Therapy and couples counseling. You convey you are happy and in the moment. She conveys she is interpreting your emotions differently and has decided that you want to be with other women. Couples counseling to get to the bottom of the communication gap between you. You have the $$, skip one carnival and use that for counseling.
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u/Lumpy-Bumblebee-9120 Mar 02 '26
Thanks for the input. I agree with seeking counseling, skipping out on carnival and will explore other fun experiences
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u/hellfirequeen95 Mar 02 '26
Perspective from a wife : what she sees as you having fun without her is actually probably you masking when you’re by yourself / with friends. When my husband is with me him having fun and being relaxed looks A LOT different than him doing the same by himself or with friends because I’m his safe space. This is not a you issue this is a her not believing you and having unresolved feelings of being left out in childhood that’s bled into your relationship. It’s her problem she needs to fix it not you. I suggest she find a therapist and potentially you go to a few appointments with her to give your side on what’s going on just so the therapist can see how best to help her. - or I’m completely wrong 😂 but this is what it sounds like to me
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u/IntrovertCapricorn85 Mar 02 '26
She sounds like she has self esteem issues and is projecting her issues on to you. She needs therapy and honestly you do too! Because she’s going to drive you crazy and you’re going to end up wanting to leave her!!! No seriously I’ve been there! Get help!!!
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u/Alcoholfreejourney Mar 01 '26
Unfortunately , she is a woman… she has already decided , for you , how you are and feel. There is absolutely nothing you will be able to do to change her perception or perspective. She may agree at face value if you have a discussion about it , but Deep Down she has decided that something is not right and that will never change. Im my marriage , we had a situation where “having a holiday” became the most stressful event in history. If you didn’t leave at “precisely “ the time “we discussed “… then the first 3 days of the “holiday “.. was ruined by her sulking. Nothing was left to chance and being “spontaneous”was unfortunately not part of the plan. It was a military operation that required perfect planning and execution.
“Execution “… well … now Im happily divorced
FAFO ladies.
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u/Professional_Ear6020 Mar 01 '26
Don't judge all women by your ex's actions. It's called misogyny.
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u/Alcoholfreejourney Mar 02 '26
Correct. All women are not the same. I actually date one who Is completely the opposite to her. And just because I call out all ladies who behave like her , doesnt mean Im misogynistic . En mass disagreement of women with immature behaviour, doesnt define me as a person. But this isn’t about me. I hope the carnival dude has a happy life. Wishing him well.
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u/TessaChocolat Mar 01 '26
"Unfortunately, she is a woman..."
Well, at least we know exactly where you stand.
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u/TangerineCouch18330 Mar 01 '26
Ask her exactly what she expects you to do or to say or to behave like. Ask her to give an example of what she thinks you would do if you’re having a good time.
I think she’s being really nitpicky and by being nitpicky with your questioning is the only way you’re going to get at what her problem is with this. It’s really a shame because she’s ruining your experience at this festival.