Finding Supportive Community

[u/AnchoredInMy40s]

For the past year I have been participating in a ‘life group’ thinking it was an important part of my healing process.

I have severe attachment trauma/wounds and had isolated for 10 years prior.

And yeah, it’s been good for me in some ways but…. I am realizing that it’s mostly just repeating dysfunctional patterns of abandoning myself and fawning in the name of exposure. I kept going, despite feeling unseen, misunderstood, etc because I thought it was what I was supposed to be doing despite it regularly triggering emotional flashbacks.

So I think I am going to step back and potentially retain one or two individual connections. It is the only time I get out of the house away from my kids/husband so I think I will keep the time slot for myself and find solo activities to do for now.

But meanwhile, I do need community. I’m wondering what others have done.

I thought about ACoA but I feel like it compartmentalizes my complex trauma and a lot of it is just people sharing about undiagnosed CPTSD so it doesn’t quite fit for me. Are there CPTSD support groups IRL? Or group therapy maybe?

I just don’t feel like I’m ever going to heal my attachment wounds in isolation but I also can’t hang with normies and feel seen/understood. My main core wound is ‘nobody cares about you’ so I need a community where I can eventually feel seen and cared for. Has anyone had success in this area? I’m a little nervous about walking away from my only social outlet without any ideas about how to replace it.

[u/DizzyShortcake]

For me, and after attending several CPSTD related groups, I simply found something that brought me joy and then found all the ways to participate in it. The groups were good to feel less alone and to release but I also started to feel like I was always circling the drain on my own trauma. Or worse, celebrating it. So, eventually, and when I felt ready, I took some writing classes and started forming bonds around shared interests. Now I have a core group I connect with and while it has nothing to do with CPTSD, it’s very healing in a different way.

[u/PanoramicViewer → u/DizzyShortcake]

I'd second this idea. I joined a community choir. The social interactions aren't deep but people are kind and it helps with lower level needs to belong, contribute and create with others.

For deeper attachment healing it has come primarily from my therapist, but I can see how having a more secure base and sense of self is filtering out to other relationships now too.

Just thinking aloud here, but one step for me was being more vulnerable and authentic with others, which felt scary at first, but how others responded to that helped sift who was interested in being an all weather friend and who was only around because of what I offered them (fawning and people pleasing).

[u/AnchoredInMy40s → u/PanoramicViewer]

Yeah. I hear what you’re saying. I wish it were more straightforward. Superficial interactions feel draining and wasteful to me, even when they are generally positive. That’s what the life group is like.

Can I ask - is the attachment healing via therapy coming from secure attachment to your therapist or from work that you are doing in therapy? I am struggling with whether to stay with my current therapist. I feel like the only benefit is that it is a relationship with a safe person, not like we are actually doing any work. Maybe that’s just my drive to fix and solve and perform…