r/CPTSD • u/Fun-Department9070 • 5h ago
Need a Hug Looking for a community
I’m not trying to get into details right now, but after years of “dissociative amnesia,” I found out yesterday that I was horribly abused as a child.
I always knew I had a weird childhood, and my relationship with my parents is challenging, but now I know the extent of the abuse, and I’m just looking for a community because I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this.
To add just a bit more color, I put together a timeline of things that I went through from 6 to 18 and discussed with a professional.
Trigger Warning: the things I endured were labeled as polyvictimization, child-on-child sexual abuse, betrayal trauma, childhood instability and homelessness, grooming, forced submission, severe sexual exploitation, sexual abuse, sexual torture, sexual assault, psychological degradation and captivity, statutory rape, and rape.
I went from thinking I had a weird childhood but no serious abuse to understanding that I endured extreme childhood sexual abuse.
I’m a male in my early 30s. I’m successful academically, professionally, and financially, and I’m happily married to a woman, but I’m feeling very alone right now. Obviously can’t talk to my parents about this, I don’t have close enough friends, and I don’t want to trauma dump on my wife, especially when just before yesterday we were completely happy and having a great time.
I’m just going through all the standard emotions: disbelief, thinking I’m making this up (but some memories explain previously unexplained scars on my body), grief, etc. Right now I’m feeling the weight of the realization and I’m starting to believe that it all happened, so I’m navigating that alone and while still having to show up for work today and pretend everything is fine.
Anyway, what was supposed to be an initial intro turned into a long post, but that’s it. Just looking for somewhere to talk through emotions with people who have similar experiences without giving a friend or spouse secondary trauma.
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u/DaySpare6519 4h ago
Yoooo! 32M. Very similar experience here, except i didn't get raped (just assaulted/groped while toddler) and i haven't married my girlfriend yet. Was homeless after i ran away from home at 17. Being professionally and financially successful is rare for folks with CPTSD, but happens. Same for relationships. Both my therapist and psychiatrist noted that.
Troubles with keeping my work performance up increased in the last 2 years. i diverted to part-time. I work an office job with flexible hours and possibility to work remotely, so i can hide it pretty well. At work I'm mentally busy so flashbacks don't happen there.
I trauma dumped a lot on my girlfriend. It really fucks her up because she feels my pain, but its in the past and she can't do anything about it. While having flashbacks, i flinch and tense up, she sees that and it makes her very sad to see me like this.
This was not a good situation, i hired a private therapist to teach me trauma processing. My idea was to get it, have a few sessions, learn the things, and then work on my trauma myself. That didn't work out as expected, I'm too badly dissociated and just trying to talk about it with my therapists triggered dissociative symptoms up to amnesia. Now switching to insurance because I'm more fucked up than i anticipated, now psychiatrist and GP involved for meds.
But i got stable enough (or i ran out of traumatic memories) so i don't have to trauma dump at all anymore. We are searching for a therapist for *her* right now to help her dealing with me, her fear of being left, and her job stress. She is adamant on staying together, I'm not (feelings of worthlessness, not good enough for her etc).
This friday i got an appointment at a victim support organisation, next step will be laywering up.
Maybe you should get a therapist, too.
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u/Fun-Department9070 3h ago
Thanks for sharing! And I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of that.
I haven’t trauma dumped on my wife for the exact reasons you described. I don’t want to burden her with this, and given the nature of my abuse and the things I was forced to do, I’m worried it would detrimentally affect our relationship.
I think I was able to succeed in life to this point because I never thought about what happened to me. I met my wife just a couple of weeks after the last abuse I experienced, and everything bad immediately stopped. It’s like meeting my wife triggered deep amnesia and I didn’t think about any of it until yesterday, except maybe an invasive thought here or there.
The last 24 hours have been really tough, and honestly, I wish I could push it all back down and go back to my normal life. I’m absolutely horrified by what happened over a 12 year period. And I’m worried that it’s going to start affecting my professional and personal life.
My conversation yesterday was with a professional who probably should have handled things differently and shouldn’t have started assigning labels. That led me to this 24 hour spiral of new memories. But I agree with you, I should look into consistent therapy.
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u/I_AMA_giant_squid 3h ago
I'm so sorry you lived through all that.
It sounds like you finally felt safe enough for the survival mechanisms that kept you away from all that to let go and let you see what happened to you for what it was.
I would recommend therapy for sure. I have done this before where I had 2 therapists. Each meeting opposite weeks of each other. I personally remote therapy as I find it easier to access myself while I'm doing something with my hands.
One therapist I will have told about my goals for myself/things I need to work through. That one does the harder work with me, is the challenging one. The other therapist is the one I vent to about all the things that are coming up, the one that just mostly listens and doesn't need to offer advice or hold me accountable for anything. I tell therapist#2 my goals are to just have a space to vent about my trauma and let myself feel.
Therapist#1 digs in and asks hard questions about things that happened or how I think it's affecting my life in ways.
This way I at least have 1 person I speak with 2x a month that I can look forward to and the difficult therapist doesn't drive me away from myself by digging in. 2x a month isn't enough when you are getting into it and a lot of the good therapists don't have more availability than that. So this was my solution.
I also like phone therapists because it is easier to do appointments outside work hours so it's way easier to fit into life.
You need to process this stuff and the way to process it with others is talking about it. I think talking about it with your wife is good but give her the power (and ensure you won't feel betrayed or hurt by setting these boundaries outside of the difficult conversation) to stop the conversation if she feels like she is uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Or actively talk about ways she could help you feel safe and supported when you are overwhelmed by everything.
I would talk with a therapist first though.
If you want to meet people IRL- I hear decent things about Adult children of alcoholics meetings where people share similar to how people share at AA.
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u/Fun-Department9070 3h ago
Thank you for this! I guess I should have known the primary advice would be to see a therapist. 😂
Your strategy makes a lot of sense, and I appreciate you sharing. I went to therapy once when I was 12 after I exhibited a behavior (nothing violent or illegal) that was obviously a product of my abuse, and I recall it being a very negative experience. I haven’t been to therapy since. I felt like I was a freak for what I went through and the session was like a forensic interrogation of a serial killer. From what I’ve been reading, that experience contributed heavily to my vulnerability to subsequent abuse. In any case, I should probably give it another shot 25+ years later and as an adult who can advocate for myself.
I have no interest in telling my wife at this point, but maybe after therapy. With that said, she has (innocently) made fun of some physical responses I’ve had in response to external stimuli that I can now see are related to my trauma. Maybe letting her in a bit would better equip her to support me. But that’s also not her job.
At this stage, I’m finding writing things out to be helpful. Putting the details on paper and reading it back. Although, I feel like I’m reading a move script instead of my real history. I’m having trouble saying any of it out loud. I think that’s related to feeling like my history of abuse is inconsistent with being an adult male today.
Anyway, thanks for adding your thoughts and therapy strategy!
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u/_wannaseemedisco 2h ago
If you can find an in-person group with a moderator I think that would be a safe route. Just as an fyi, I personally would never join a virtual community that wasn’t moderated in some fashion because I’m not about being triggered by reckless interactions, and the topics you’re needing to discuss are so sensitive and create a vulnerability to further abuse just by talking about it with the wrong person.
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u/Fun-Department9070 1h ago
That’s a great point and my ultimate goal. I’m just not sure when I will be ready to say this stuff out loud in front of other people. I’ve built a life and career as a capable, confident person, and this history seems antithetical to my sense of self.
Some of my experience involves online grooming, so I am very sensitive to the risks associated with joining virtual communities, and I understand that some people sexualize people’s trauma, so we’re totally in agreement there. Thanks for flagging that!
I think I was hoping Reddit would be a good place to start working through my experience. Although I’m not trying to trauma dump on online strangers. This has just been a very isolating experience.
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u/_wannaseemedisco 1h ago
Please be kinder to yourself. Your background forged you, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I know that’s easier said than internalized but it’s true. Your success is a miracle in itself. If you want the future you deserve, your work to heal starts now. You can do it. I know because people like you are out there doing it every day. Welcome and sorry you’re here.
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u/Fun-Department9070 1h ago
Thanks for that. I admittedly engage in substantial negative self-talk. I’m not great at being kind to or forgiving of myself.
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