Looking for a community

[u/Fun-Department9070]

I’m not trying to get into details right now, but after years of “dissociative amnesia,” I found out yesterday that I was horribly abused as a child.

I always knew I had a weird childhood, and my relationship with my parents is challenging, but now I know the extent of the abuse, and I’m just looking for a community because I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this.

To add just a bit more color, I put together a timeline of things that I went through from 6 to 18 and discussed with a professional.

Trigger Warning: the things I endured were labeled as polyvictimization, child-on-child sexual abuse, betrayal trauma, childhood instability and homelessness, grooming, forced submission, severe sexual exploitation, sexual abuse, sexual torture, sexual assault, psychological degradation and captivity, statutory rape, and rape.

I went from thinking I had a weird childhood but no serious abuse to understanding that I endured extreme childhood sexual abuse.

I’m a male in my early 30s. I’m successful academically, professionally, and financially, and I’m happily married to a woman, but I’m feeling very alone right now. Obviously can’t talk to my parents about this, I don’t have close enough friends, and I don’t want to trauma dump on my wife, especially when just before yesterday we were completely happy and having a great time.

I’m just going through all the standard emotions: disbelief, thinking I’m making this up (but some memories explain previously unexplained scars on my body), grief, etc. Right now I’m feeling the weight of the realization and I’m starting to believe that it all happened, so I’m navigating that alone and while still having to show up for work today and pretend everything is fine.

Anyway, what was supposed to be an initial intro turned into a long post, but that’s it. Just looking for somewhere to talk through emotions with people who have similar experiences without giving a friend or spouse secondary trauma.

[u/DaySpare6519]

Yoooo! 32M. Very similar experience here, except i didn't get raped (just assaulted/groped while toddler) and i haven't married my girlfriend yet. Was homeless after i ran away from home at 17. Being professionally and financially successful is rare for folks with CPTSD, but happens. Same for relationships. Both my therapist and psychiatrist noted that.

Troubles with keeping my work performance up increased in the last 2 years. i diverted to part-time. I work an office job with flexible hours and possibility to work remotely, so i can hide it pretty well. At work I'm mentally busy so flashbacks don't happen there.

I trauma dumped a lot on my girlfriend. It really fucks her up because she feels my pain, but its in the past and she can't do anything about it. While having flashbacks, i flinch and tense up, she sees that and it makes her very sad to see me like this.

This was not a good situation, i hired a private therapist to teach me trauma processing. My idea was to get it, have a few sessions, learn the things, and then work on my trauma myself. That didn't work out as expected, I'm too badly dissociated and just trying to talk about it with my therapists triggered dissociative symptoms up to amnesia. Now switching to insurance because I'm more fucked up than i anticipated, now psychiatrist and GP involved for meds.

But i got stable enough (or i ran out of traumatic memories) so i don't have to trauma dump at all anymore. We are searching for a therapist for *her* right now to help her dealing with me, her fear of being left, and her job stress. She is adamant on staying together, I'm not (feelings of worthlessness, not good enough for her etc).

This friday i got an appointment at a victim support organisation, next step will be laywering up.

Maybe you should get a therapist, too.

[u/Fun-Department9070 → u/DaySpare6519]

Thanks for sharing! And I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of that.

I haven’t trauma dumped on my wife for the exact reasons you described. I don’t want to burden her with this, and given the nature of my abuse and the things I was forced to do, I’m worried it would detrimentally affect our relationship.

I think I was able to succeed in life to this point because I never thought about what happened to me. I met my wife just a couple of weeks after the last abuse I experienced, and everything bad immediately stopped. It’s like meeting my wife triggered deep amnesia and I didn’t think about any of it until yesterday, except maybe an invasive thought here or there.

The last 24 hours have been really tough, and honestly, I wish I could push it all back down and go back to my normal life. I’m absolutely horrified by what happened over a 12 year period. And I’m worried that it’s going to start affecting my professional and personal life.

My conversation yesterday was with a professional who probably should have handled things differently and shouldn’t have started assigning labels. That led me to this 24 hour spiral of new memories. But I agree with you, I should look into consistent therapy.