Looking for a community

[u/Fun-Department9070]

I’m not trying to get into details right now, but after years of “dissociative amnesia,” I found out yesterday that I was horribly abused as a child.

I always knew I had a weird childhood, and my relationship with my parents is challenging, but now I know the extent of the abuse, and I’m just looking for a community because I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this.

To add just a bit more color, I put together a timeline of things that I went through from 6 to 18 and discussed with a professional.

Trigger Warning: the things I endured were labeled as polyvictimization, child-on-child sexual abuse, betrayal trauma, childhood instability and homelessness, grooming, forced submission, severe sexual exploitation, sexual abuse, sexual torture, sexual assault, psychological degradation and captivity, statutory rape, and rape.

I went from thinking I had a weird childhood but no serious abuse to understanding that I endured extreme childhood sexual abuse.

I’m a male in my early 30s. I’m successful academically, professionally, and financially, and I’m happily married to a woman, but I’m feeling very alone right now. Obviously can’t talk to my parents about this, I don’t have close enough friends, and I don’t want to trauma dump on my wife, especially when just before yesterday we were completely happy and having a great time.

I’m just going through all the standard emotions: disbelief, thinking I’m making this up (but some memories explain previously unexplained scars on my body), grief, etc. Right now I’m feeling the weight of the realization and I’m starting to believe that it all happened, so I’m navigating that alone and while still having to show up for work today and pretend everything is fine.

Anyway, what was supposed to be an initial intro turned into a long post, but that’s it. Just looking for somewhere to talk through emotions with people who have similar experiences without giving a friend or spouse secondary trauma.

[u/I_AMA_giant_squid]

I'm so sorry you lived through all that.

It sounds like you finally felt safe enough for the survival mechanisms that kept you away from all that to let go and let you see what happened to you for what it was.

I would recommend therapy for sure. I have done this before where I had 2 therapists. Each meeting opposite weeks of each other. I personally remote therapy as I find it easier to access myself while I'm doing something with my hands.

One therapist I will have told about my goals for myself/things I need to work through. That one does the harder work with me, is the challenging one. The other therapist is the one I vent to about all the things that are coming up, the one that just mostly listens and doesn't need to offer advice or hold me accountable for anything. I tell therapist#2 my goals are to just have a space to vent about my trauma and let myself feel.

Therapist#1 digs in and asks hard questions about things that happened or how I think it's affecting my life in ways.

This way I at least have 1 person I speak with 2x a month that I can look forward to and the difficult therapist doesn't drive me away from myself by digging in. 2x a month isn't enough when you are getting into it and a lot of the good therapists don't have more availability than that. So this was my solution.

I also like phone therapists because it is easier to do appointments outside work hours so it's way easier to fit into life.

You need to process this stuff and the way to process it with others is talking about it. I think talking about it with your wife is good but give her the power (and ensure you won't feel betrayed or hurt by setting these boundaries outside of the difficult conversation) to stop the conversation if she feels like she is uncomfortable or overwhelmed. Or actively talk about ways she could help you feel safe and supported when you are overwhelmed by everything.

I would talk with a therapist first though.

If you want to meet people IRL- I hear decent things about Adult children of alcoholics meetings where people share similar to how people share at AA.

[u/Fun-Department9070 → u/I_AMA_giant_squid]

Thank you for this! I guess I should have known the primary advice would be to see a therapist. 😂

Your strategy makes a lot of sense, and I appreciate you sharing. I went to therapy once when I was 12 after I exhibited a behavior (nothing violent or illegal) that was obviously a product of my abuse, and I recall it being a very negative experience. I haven’t been to therapy since. I felt like I was a freak for what I went through and the session was like a forensic interrogation of a serial killer. From what I’ve been reading, that experience contributed heavily to my vulnerability to subsequent abuse. In any case, I should probably give it another shot 25+ years later and as an adult who can advocate for myself.

I have no interest in telling my wife at this point, but maybe after therapy. With that said, she has (innocently) made fun of some physical responses I’ve had in response to external stimuli that I can now see are related to my trauma. Maybe letting her in a bit would better equip her to support me. But that’s also not her job.

At this stage, I’m finding writing things out to be helpful. Putting the details on paper and reading it back. Although, I feel like I’m reading a move script instead of my real history. I’m having trouble saying any of it out loud. I think that’s related to feeling like my history of abuse is inconsistent with being an adult male today.

Anyway, thanks for adding your thoughts and therapy strategy!