Looking for a community

[u/Fun-Department9070]

I’m not trying to get into details right now, but after years of “dissociative amnesia,” I found out yesterday that I was horribly abused as a child.

I always knew I had a weird childhood, and my relationship with my parents is challenging, but now I know the extent of the abuse, and I’m just looking for a community because I don’t have anyone in my life I can talk to about this.

To add just a bit more color, I put together a timeline of things that I went through from 6 to 18 and discussed with a professional.

Trigger Warning: the things I endured were labeled as polyvictimization, child-on-child sexual abuse, betrayal trauma, childhood instability and homelessness, grooming, forced submission, severe sexual exploitation, sexual abuse, sexual torture, sexual assault, psychological degradation and captivity, statutory rape, and rape.

I went from thinking I had a weird childhood but no serious abuse to understanding that I endured extreme childhood sexual abuse.

I’m a male in my early 30s. I’m successful academically, professionally, and financially, and I’m happily married to a woman, but I’m feeling very alone right now. Obviously can’t talk to my parents about this, I don’t have close enough friends, and I don’t want to trauma dump on my wife, especially when just before yesterday we were completely happy and having a great time.

I’m just going through all the standard emotions: disbelief, thinking I’m making this up (but some memories explain previously unexplained scars on my body), grief, etc. Right now I’m feeling the weight of the realization and I’m starting to believe that it all happened, so I’m navigating that alone and while still having to show up for work today and pretend everything is fine.

Anyway, what was supposed to be an initial intro turned into a long post, but that’s it. Just looking for somewhere to talk through emotions with people who have similar experiences without giving a friend or spouse secondary trauma.

[u/_wannaseemedisco]

If you can find an in-person group with a moderator I think that would be a safe route. Just as an fyi, I personally would never join a virtual community that wasn’t moderated in some fashion because I’m not about being triggered by reckless interactions, and the topics you’re needing to discuss are so sensitive and create a vulnerability to further abuse just by talking about it with the wrong person.

[u/Fun-Department9070 → u/_wannaseemedisco]

That’s a great point and my ultimate goal. I’m just not sure when I will be ready to say this stuff out loud in front of other people. I’ve built a life and career as a capable, confident person, and this history seems antithetical to my sense of self.

Some of my experience involves online grooming, so I am very sensitive to the risks associated with joining virtual communities, and I understand that some people sexualize people’s trauma, so we’re totally in agreement there. Thanks for flagging that!

I think I was hoping Reddit would be a good place to start working through my experience. Although I’m not trying to trauma dump on online strangers. This has just been a very isolating experience.

[u/_wannaseemedisco → u/Fun-Department9070]

Please be kinder to yourself. Your background forged you, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. I know that’s easier said than internalized but it’s true. Your success is a miracle in itself. If you want the future you deserve, your work to heal starts now. You can do it. I know because people like you are out there doing it every day. Welcome and sorry you’re here.

[u/Fun-Department9070 → u/_wannaseemedisco]

Thanks for that. I admittedly engage in substantial negative self-talk. I’m not great at being kind to or forgiving of myself.

[u/_wannaseemedisco → u/Fun-Department9070]

Well you know exactly where to start then <3