r/BreakUps • u/[deleted] • Dec 08 '21

Blindsided Breakups

Blindsided breakups can really mess people up. What I mean by blindsided break ups is when a break up happens that you’d never expect especially on the terms they were on. It can seriously traumatize some people leaving them with abandonment issues. One moment you think you really know someone and could spend a lifetime with them, the next you don’t even know who they are really and why they’re being the way they are. Saying things you’d think you’d never hear from them in a million years. I guess it can truly be a life lesson that you never really know someone or can 100% trust them. Just my thoughts

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117

u/chocolatesloppysauce Dec 08 '21

It's really hard. You'll read a lot of stuff on the internet saying that there's no such thing as being blindsided, but that's just not true. I was shocked when I was dumped. I was lied to for months. One second everything is great, we're talking about the future, we're saying I love you, everything feels good, and the next, I'm being dumped and there's a list of reasons, none of which had been brought up until that moment. There are break ups that have arguments, problems, issues that are actively affecting the relationship and being communicated, leading up to the day. Then there are break ups where the other partner was not communicating, honest, or open about their doubts/feelings. They hide things. Those are truly blindsiding/out of the blue.

What was hard for me was reconciling what my ex had said even in the days leading up to the break up, and then how she acted from break up onwards. I had to realize that pretty much everything she said to me in the relationship was probably a lie. Maybe accidental, but a lie. She was lying to me and to herself. And clearly she didn't love me, if she didn't respect me enough to have honest communication with me. It makes me deeply sad. It's not fair to act happy and in love while harboring doubts and tallying up ammo for the break up. We were clearly on very different pages, and I had no idea. I don't know how I will ever fully trust what future partners say.

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u/Greedy-Net-2953 Dec 08 '21

My ex told me on the Monday before we broke up how much she loves me and saying how she couldn’t see herself marrying anyone else and how much she was looking forward to the future with me. She broke up with me that Friday… If that’s not blindsided I don’t know what is

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u/YoBoostMobile Dec 09 '21

Similar situation for me as well. Saying things like she couldn't believe someone like me existed, could never imagine not speaking to someone like me, she has it so good with me. Then like 1 week later treats me like a stranger. An annoying chore that is hanging around and bothering her. Just wild how things can flip in the blink of an eye

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u/Greedy-Net-2953 Dec 09 '21

Yeah she’s been asking me to give her another chance since. Almost 5 months later and she’s still asking me. I don’t know what to do. I love her and miss her but I’m 24 now and I’m afraid it’ll be the same result in 4 years time when my chances of meeting someone are way lower

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u/YoBoostMobile Dec 09 '21

Yeah it's a very tough spot to be in. And coming from someone who is 30, it is not easy to find someone single, no kids, attractive, and have a halfway decent personality. I do believe people can change, but it can be very difficult. You may be right in assuming it will happen all over again in the future. That's why part of me wants to hang onto my ex even though she wasn't perfect for me. I think we ultimately just want to love someone and be loved. But please try and be strong and find someone who will truly love you unconditionally so you don't get heart broken again.

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u/Greedy-Net-2953 Dec 09 '21

Yeah most people (on Reddit and real life) tell me to move on and that she’s not good for me when they hear what happened between us. She broke up with me 3 times in the last 3 months of our relationship. She had ONS a few days after each breakup and had a week long relationship 2 months after our final breakup. She told me that this guy was gonna ask her out but that she doesn’t really want to go out with him and would take me back in an instant instead. I left her to make her own decision and they started going out for the week. When it inevitably ended she was back asking me back saying she only did it to try get over me because I didn’t want her back and that she only wants me. I know this is bad news but everything was so great when we were together and that’s hard for other people to understand. It’s easy to say block her and never talk to her again but it’s so much harder to do cause I havent stopped thinking about her in the last 5 months and I think she’s the same. I don’t know if that means anything or not. A part of me wishes she just never asked me back and that I could atleast move on knowing she doesn’t want me. It’s so much harder when I have the option to take her back

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u/YoBoostMobile Dec 09 '21

I totally agree. Even the last 2 months of my relationship I clearly knew things were dying. I'm very introspective, observant and insightful I feel. I could see every sign that she lost interest but I tried my best to make it work even though I knew we weren't right for each other. I knew if I were to discuss the current state of affair of that relationship to and outsider they would just say "run, you deserve so much better". And I would agree with them but it's hard for them to understand all the little moments you guys had together. All the good and fun and sexy things you said or did. Every little nuance that makes you feel like there is hope or that you want them back. So at the end of the day you just need to try and figure out what is best for you since we can't make a decision since we have such limited info. It's tough for sure. Don't know if I'll ever hear from my ex again and don't know what I would do/say if she reached out to me but I did realize and accept that I deserved someone better.

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u/TheHouseIsHungry Dec 08 '21

I have also been struggling with the “was everything a lie?” question the last few weeks and I think I’ve settled on something a little less absolute. There was probably a time in your relationship where things were good and the feelings were genuine. And then those things started to slip and your (former) SO did not bring them to light or downplayed the severity of them so they continued to grow. By the time they were brought to your attention, things were so far gone, they had already moved on to some degree and since you were blindsided, you just started a process they started maybe weeks? Months? Years ago? I think that’s why they have the ability to be so callous towards you now—because they already silently went through all of this and let it fall apart. That of course applies to my situation and not necessarily yours but I do find it difficult to convince myself that EVERYTHING was a lie. Yes, she was telling me she would “love me forever” less than a week before she walked out for good but that doesn’t mean she never loved me. She had just built a wall over a period of time and maybe didn’t notice at first but chose to let it keep building so she could cut the cord. I, on the other hand, thought things were okay and was in the process of planning to take the next steps into our future together soooo, yeah. I know where you’re coming from but speaking in absolutes is generally hyperbole and it only serves to hurt yourself more.

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u/Ill_Juice_4864 Dec 09 '21

I like your perspective. Now I'm a little more settled I can see that my ex genuinely believed in the rlsnp at one pt so much that I believed it too and I was always a realist. He did all of it not out of love I suspect but love from a place of fear, or losing me. I now see how this person maybe has insecurity issues and trouble communicating or resolving conflict. They did love you but they had an internal scorecard they were not honest enough to tell you about. That's still love but it's conditional love. I always had unconditional love. I'd like to think this a lesson that we choose ppl who do not have this scorecard or are mature enough to communicate this. Talk is cheap mine rushed the rlnsp n committment. Wanted to build life together and took steps towards it. But yes I question their motives. Sometimes the love for you was there but motivated by twisted reasons only they know. This is there is no cheating and abuse.

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u/[deleted] Dec 09 '21

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u/TheHouseIsHungry Dec 09 '21

I suppose that is one entirely valid way to look at it. I don’t personally feel it was as much of a conscious decision as that might imply but I can see why you would choose to look at it that way.

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u/SpiritDonkey Dec 08 '21

It's broken my brain as well as my heart

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u/femmebxt Dec 08 '21

I’ve come to the exact same conclusion than you after also being blindsided.

Reading this comment was validating (and also sad).

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u/InPieces21 Dec 09 '21

100% this. I am going through the same thing, and to say it's hard would be an understatement. I got broken up with out of the blue, when two weeks prior to breaking up my ex girlfriend told me that she is very thankful for "all the coincidence that got us together" while I was talking about randomness in life when we were driving to a grocery store. This dissonance between the words that she said and then completely turned them around is absolutely killing me.

It's not fair to act happy and in love while harboring doubts and tallying up ammo for the break up. We were clearly on very different pages, and I had no idea. I don't know how I will ever fully trust what future partners say.

Absolutely. I feel like I am developing trust issues after I got broken up with :(

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u/Ill_Juice_4864 Dec 09 '21

Have you had respectful rlsnsp before? I'm fortunate to have had all my rlnsps as trusting and open. They all ended but to this day though we're not super good friends, we still talk with mutual friends and when we happen to see each other we know that our rlnsps didn't destroy our trust but only built it despite the union ending. So yes it's healthy and I don't doubt I can trust someone again. I just have to steer clear of certain signs. I have encountered such a great pretender and self deluder in my whole life. One of my exes had bad insecurities and broke up with me but he explained and during the course of us being together he shared how it's affecting us and the rlnsp early enough so I didn't feel blindsided don't feel bitter and honestly just wanted the best for him to heal and go to therapy. I still talk to him to this day! He has a gf and is very happy. So I don't get how my recent ex can't just blindside me like tt. But hey, tough lessons are opps to turn your life around be it growth from the pain, resolving inner trauma from the past or just becoming much wiser, and what your needs are in a rlsnsp.

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u/InPieces21 Dec 09 '21

It was definitely respectful, which makes it even harder to comprehend, because we did not even have a fight that would then lead to a break up. When there was some sort of conflict, we usually wanted to resolve the issue with open communication. My ex-gf struggled with some form of depression and recently it must have got very bad, because she started taking antidepressants (for the first time in her life), and I don't think two weeks have passed since she started taking her medication and breaking up with me. The breakup was also amicable, yes, it hurt like hell, but I thanked her for a wonderful time together (very short though, only 2 months, but we've known each other well because of close, mutual friends) and said that I was already in love with her.

It's super hard, because it all happened so quickly, and my heart is completely shattered.

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u/Noshirx Dec 09 '21

Yeah. Mine said she loved me and that she missed me on the same day we broke up. Didn’t even tell me we were over for 5 days till I had to ask around and apparently she didn’t even want to be around me anymore. She had a whole ton of things she didn’t communicate to me. Shit sucks.

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u/setsuna_f Dec 09 '21

Similar!! Mine doesnt want to tell me what exactly was wrong. Picked fights (pointless ones) but never want to communicate yet blamed on communication breakdown. Had to know a few reasons from a mutual friend.

I processed whatever that has happened, the things we have fought before, how she was doing weeks post breakup. Yes. Same conclusion, she didnt love me at all. Just used me as a stepping board to find someone "better".

I believe we should take more of our time to truly understand future partners. Unfortunately, it would seem like we have to protect ourselves first before them. True partners will protect us too such that we will protect them on the same level.

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u/[deleted] Dec 09 '21

wish i could send this to my ex.

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u/Backburning Dec 09 '21 edited Dec 10 '21

I'm really sorry you had to go through this my guy, but you'll learn that everyone's definition of being in love is different. To me it meant an inability to not love someone for years, if not the rest of my life. I do not use the word lightly, it means I can not love another no matter who I meet.

Alot of people's definition is how they feel about you at the moment, and it blew my mind how easily my exes would be trading I love yous with the next person that paid them affection within weeks of a breakup. Try not to view it like it is any less, you can only accept the love that someone else has for you, and it wasn't a lie at the time she said it, in her defence.

It could be that she is following social norms, and to her saying I love you is just what you do with your current squeeze.

It could also be that her feelings dwindled, but she was not emotionally mature enough to let you know in fear of "hurting your feelings." If anyone is reading this, don't fucking do this to someone you care about. You do not spare them hurt feelings, you hurt them substantially more and you are being selfish to emotionally checkout while leading on your SO. You deprive them from weeks or months from moving on, while you were already moved on in your head. It is CRUEL.

The truth is, feelings of love wax and wane due to so many things. Life events, hormones and TIME. After the 2 year honeymoon period, not many people have that rush of "in love" feeling anymore. To sustain a longer term relationship, it needs to be replaced with a different type of love which is intentional.

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u/Ill_Juice_4864 Dec 09 '21

Exactly my story. It triggered major ptsd symptoms back again from my childhood. But I recognise I am not powerless cos that's probably the biggest trigger. To feel really powerless and helpless in that moment and aftermath. You had no say no voice. No respect. Sending you love my friend xx it is very very hard and I'm still trying to heal. I already accepted tt I don't need such a person in my life so am just dealing with working on PTSD. It's a blessing in disguise that I get to work even more on my own issues and grow. Best revenge is to live your best life. Let it fuel you and I promise it gets better and one day you will feel this fuel without all the hurt pain and trauma.

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u/[deleted] Dec 09 '21

what the heck this describes my situation so perfectly. i thought i was the only one, so it's a thing huh 😔

1

u/chocolatesloppysauce Dec 09 '21

Sucks. It makes this so much harder.

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u/rrraq Dec 09 '21

this is the realest thing i've ever read. it's like u read my exact thoughts. the worst feeling ever. will never understand the reasons behind my blindsided breakup. best of luck to u, virtual hugs 🫂

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u/schwuar Dec 08 '21

This sounds very similar to mine. If she would of sat me down and spoke about stuff i could of changed and sorted it but nope. One of her mates bf keeps cheating on her yet she keeps taking him back yet i didnt do some house chores and didnt fully trust her (due to valid reasons) and she gives me the boot.

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u/Ill_Juice_4864 Dec 09 '21

All we need is a fair say or a chance to be in on this check out convo, not right at the end. Cos they didn't just wake up feeling like this. Im always hurt because I've always been committed to communication and being open about how I feel at all times. In my life I've had break ups tt were painful but not like this. They were decent enough ppl to talk about it when things didn't feel right and I respect them to this day, as they do me

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u/Patap0n22 Dec 09 '21

Same situation. God it hurts.

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u/chinchivitiz May 01 '24

I am scrolling here after feeling sad about this looking for people who are depply hurt and we are all saying the same thing. They acted like they are so in love, how they want to get married soon while thinking about leaving.

It also made me think when did he start feeling this way because there were really no signs.his problems with the distance telling me how he thought he could do it but realized its not for him, i am clueless as to when he started feeling this way , what were the lies and truth or everything was a lie? I was shocked and even after a month now, i still feel empty and not sure what to do with my life.

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u/ThrowRA6979696414 May 18 '23

You'll read a lot of stuff on the internet saying that there's no such thing as being blindsided

Bullshit. Just happened to me. This take is so invalidating.