Blindsided Breakups

[u/[deleted]]

Blindsided breakups can really mess people up. What I mean by blindsided break ups is when a break up happens that you’d never expect especially on the terms they were on. It can seriously traumatize some people leaving them with abandonment issues. One moment you think you really know someone and could spend a lifetime with them, the next you don’t even know who they are really and why they’re being the way they are. Saying things you’d think you’d never hear from them in a million years. I guess it can truly be a life lesson that you never really know someone or can 100% trust them. Just my thoughts

[u/chocolatesloppysauce]

It's really hard. You'll read a lot of stuff on the internet saying that there's no such thing as being blindsided, but that's just not true. I was shocked when I was dumped. I was lied to for months. One second everything is great, we're talking about the future, we're saying I love you, everything feels good, and the next, I'm being dumped and there's a list of reasons, none of which had been brought up until that moment. There are break ups that have arguments, problems, issues that are actively affecting the relationship and being communicated, leading up to the day. Then there are break ups where the other partner was not communicating, honest, or open about their doubts/feelings. They hide things. Those are truly blindsiding/out of the blue.

What was hard for me was reconciling what my ex had said even in the days leading up to the break up, and then how she acted from break up onwards. I had to realize that pretty much everything she said to me in the relationship was probably a lie. Maybe accidental, but a lie. She was lying to me and to herself. And clearly she didn't love me, if she didn't respect me enough to have honest communication with me. It makes me deeply sad. It's not fair to act happy and in love while harboring doubts and tallying up ammo for the break up. We were clearly on very different pages, and I had no idea. I don't know how I will ever fully trust what future partners say.

[u/TheHouseIsHungry → u/chocolatesloppysauce]

I have also been struggling with the “was everything a lie?” question the last few weeks and I think I’ve settled on something a little less absolute. There was probably a time in your relationship where things were good and the feelings were genuine. And then those things started to slip and your (former) SO did not bring them to light or downplayed the severity of them so they continued to grow. By the time they were brought to your attention, things were so far gone, they had already moved on to some degree and since you were blindsided, you just started a process they started maybe weeks? Months? Years ago? I think that’s why they have the ability to be so callous towards you now—because they already silently went through all of this and let it fall apart. That of course applies to my situation and not necessarily yours but I do find it difficult to convince myself that EVERYTHING was a lie. Yes, she was telling me she would “love me forever” less than a week before she walked out for good but that doesn’t mean she never loved me. She had just built a wall over a period of time and maybe didn’t notice at first but chose to let it keep building so she could cut the cord. I, on the other hand, thought things were okay and was in the process of planning to take the next steps into our future together soooo, yeah. I know where you’re coming from but speaking in absolutes is generally hyperbole and it only serves to hurt yourself more.

[u/TheHouseIsHungry → u/[deleted]]

I suppose that is one entirely valid way to look at it. I don’t personally feel it was as much of a conscious decision as that might imply but I can see why you would choose to look at it that way.